CSI: Bikini Bottom
- Thread starter Hankster
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Hankster
Coroner
(More skyline shots and cut scenes around Bikini Bottom. Our scene moves to The Chum Bucket--the worst restaurant in Bikini Bottom, owned by Eugene Krabs' arch-rival, Sheldon J. Plankton. Nick Sturgeon and Det. Mantaray Vega are walking up to the door.)
Det. Vega: (knocks loud) POLICE! OPEN UP!!!
(The door opens, but nobody is at eye level. Camera sweeps down to show Plankton standing at the door.)
Plankton: Good evening, officers. Tonight, our special is Chumbalaya.
Det. Vega: We're not here for dinner, Plankton. We're here on an investigation.
Plankton: (grimaces) Very well, then, come on in.
(Plankton leads Det. Vega and Nick into an empty dining area, cobwebs and dust indicating the lack of customer traffic. Plankton dusts off a few seats and a table and gestures to the pair to sit down.)
Plankton: I already served my time in the Bikini Bottom jail for the last attempt I made at stealing the Krabby Patty formula, and I haven't tried to steal it again... yet. So then what kind of investigation brings a Detective and a CSI out here?
Det. Vega: We have a warrant to search this place for some of your relatives and for items stolen from The Palace 'O Pranks.
Plankton: If you're looking for my relatives, you should check a truck and tractor pull or Weenie Hut Jr. on unlimited root beer night. As for the Palace 'O Pranks, I can make real machines that'll do a lot more to humiliate someone than a joy buzzer or exploding chewing gum. Why would I go to that place?
Nick: Good question. If you're not involved, then we shouldn't find anything here and you've got nothing to worry about.
(Plankton's computer wife Karen wheels on in)
Karen: Plankton, do you finally have a couple of customers?
Plankton: (rolls his eye) No Karen, my computer wife, it's just a BBPD detective and a CSI.
(Karen spins, takes a look at Nick Sturgeon and her screen lights up with some hearts on it. She quickly wheels over to him.)
Karen: (sing-song) Well HELLOOOOOOO Mr. Handsome CSI guy! If there's ANYTHING and I do mean ANYTHING I can do to help you with your investigation, please, just let me know! I'll (Zapping sound as her screen goes dark due to Plankton unplugging her)
Nick: Well, that was awkward.
Plankton: She doesn't get out much and she needs a good debugging...
(A video montage is shown of Nick and Det. Vega doing a thorough search of the Chum Bucket starting from the dining room, through Plankton's Laboratory, living quarters, the kitchen and the restrooms.)
Det. Vega: Nothing... absolutely nothing!
Nick: Other than some dust and some garbage in the dumpster, this place is clean. No Plankton slime from anyone other than Sheldon J. Plankton, no whoopie cushions, electroshockers or hidden stash of cash.
Plankton: I told you so.
Det. Vega: You're not off the hook yet, Plankton. We know your relatives pulled this heist at the Palace 'O Pranks and that they're up to something. And given your status as the one genius in the family, I wouldn't be surprised if you weren't involved.
Plankton: We'll see about that.
Det. Vega: Yes, we will. We've got our eyes on you, Plankton!
Nick: Let's get back to the lab and let Grunion know what went down.
(Det. Vega looks back one more time at Plankton, points his fingers at his two eyes and then points one finger at Plankton. Then, the two leave the Chum Bucket.)
Plankton: (scoffs) Amateurs...
Det. Vega: (knocks loud) POLICE! OPEN UP!!!
(The door opens, but nobody is at eye level. Camera sweeps down to show Plankton standing at the door.)
Plankton: Good evening, officers. Tonight, our special is Chumbalaya.
Det. Vega: We're not here for dinner, Plankton. We're here on an investigation.
Plankton: (grimaces) Very well, then, come on in.
(Plankton leads Det. Vega and Nick into an empty dining area, cobwebs and dust indicating the lack of customer traffic. Plankton dusts off a few seats and a table and gestures to the pair to sit down.)
Plankton: I already served my time in the Bikini Bottom jail for the last attempt I made at stealing the Krabby Patty formula, and I haven't tried to steal it again... yet. So then what kind of investigation brings a Detective and a CSI out here?
Det. Vega: We have a warrant to search this place for some of your relatives and for items stolen from The Palace 'O Pranks.
Plankton: If you're looking for my relatives, you should check a truck and tractor pull or Weenie Hut Jr. on unlimited root beer night. As for the Palace 'O Pranks, I can make real machines that'll do a lot more to humiliate someone than a joy buzzer or exploding chewing gum. Why would I go to that place?
Nick: Good question. If you're not involved, then we shouldn't find anything here and you've got nothing to worry about.
(Plankton's computer wife Karen wheels on in)
Karen: Plankton, do you finally have a couple of customers?
Plankton: (rolls his eye) No Karen, my computer wife, it's just a BBPD detective and a CSI.
(Karen spins, takes a look at Nick Sturgeon and her screen lights up with some hearts on it. She quickly wheels over to him.)
Karen: (sing-song) Well HELLOOOOOOO Mr. Handsome CSI guy! If there's ANYTHING and I do mean ANYTHING I can do to help you with your investigation, please, just let me know! I'll (Zapping sound as her screen goes dark due to Plankton unplugging her)
Nick: Well, that was awkward.
Plankton: She doesn't get out much and she needs a good debugging...
(A video montage is shown of Nick and Det. Vega doing a thorough search of the Chum Bucket starting from the dining room, through Plankton's Laboratory, living quarters, the kitchen and the restrooms.)
Det. Vega: Nothing... absolutely nothing!
Nick: Other than some dust and some garbage in the dumpster, this place is clean. No Plankton slime from anyone other than Sheldon J. Plankton, no whoopie cushions, electroshockers or hidden stash of cash.
Plankton: I told you so.
Det. Vega: You're not off the hook yet, Plankton. We know your relatives pulled this heist at the Palace 'O Pranks and that they're up to something. And given your status as the one genius in the family, I wouldn't be surprised if you weren't involved.
Plankton: We'll see about that.
Det. Vega: Yes, we will. We've got our eyes on you, Plankton!
Nick: Let's get back to the lab and let Grunion know what went down.
(Det. Vega looks back one more time at Plankton, points his fingers at his two eyes and then points one finger at Plankton. Then, the two leave the Chum Bucket.)
Plankton: (scoffs) Amateurs...
Hankster
Coroner
(Cut scenes take us back to the Salty Spittoon. The Camera pans inside showing various tough sea creatures armwrestling, brawling, drinking booze, playing cards and so forth in a rather dingry waterfront style bar. The camera zooms in on a pool table where we see a very tough looking Sperm Whale with an eyepatch, wearing a muscle shirt, jeans, combat boots, and a scar on his cheek. THis is Patchy McWhale. He's shooting pool with an equally rough looking hammerhead shark, chortling as he sinks a shot.)
Bass: (Off camera) You patchy McWhale?
Patchy McWhale: (gruffly, turning around) Who wants to know?
Bass: (Camera catches him full face, flashing his badge) Det. Jim Bass, BBPD.
Patchy: I ain't done nuttin' wrong. Whaddya youse want wid me?
Bass: Me and my CSI Friend here...
Cat: Catfish Willows, Bikini Bottom Crime Lab.
Bass: ...have a warrant to search your car and to bring you in for question as a person of interest in the Murder of Phillip Dirt.
Patchy: Phil Dirt's pushing up daisy's?
Cat: You sound surprised Mr. McWhale.
Patchy: I figured that wimp would more likely run from a fight than do anything to get himself killed.
Bass: So you knew him?
Patchy: Yeah, yeah. My girlfriend, Lena Flounder used to date dat weenie. He was always grovellin' fer her approval, and it didn't do nuttin' fer her. She finally got sick 'o him and got wid me, a REAL MAN. But the little goober just couldn't accept it was over. He kept on callin' her, all hours of the day and night. He came over here and thought he'd do somethin' about me, but he was thrown out on his dorsal fin. Dis guy wuz hopeless.
Bass: Sounds like maybe you decided you weren't going to let some "little weenie" keep on botherin' your special ladyfriend and maybe you decided it was time to take him outta the picture.
McWhale: Yeah.... Hey Waitaminute! Not like dat! I'm on parole for a long list of assaults. If I violate my parole, I'm back in da big house and not able to be wid my lady. No way I wanna go back to being stuck in there wid a buncha ugly guys. All I did was put the fear o' me into him. I didn't kill him!
Cat: Well, the evidence will prove or disprove this. You come in willingly and cooperate, we'll put in a good word with your parole officer if the evidence proves your innocence. In the meantime, where's your girlfriend?
Patchy: Lena? She's probably out wid her girlfriends. She usually does a girls' night out every Monday night while I'm out here shootin' stick wid my boys.
Bass: Well, come on downtown with us. We'll have impound come get your vehicle. If you're telling the truth, you've got nothing to worry about.
Bass: (Off camera) You patchy McWhale?
Patchy McWhale: (gruffly, turning around) Who wants to know?
Bass: (Camera catches him full face, flashing his badge) Det. Jim Bass, BBPD.
Patchy: I ain't done nuttin' wrong. Whaddya youse want wid me?
Bass: Me and my CSI Friend here...
Cat: Catfish Willows, Bikini Bottom Crime Lab.
Bass: ...have a warrant to search your car and to bring you in for question as a person of interest in the Murder of Phillip Dirt.
Patchy: Phil Dirt's pushing up daisy's?
Cat: You sound surprised Mr. McWhale.
Patchy: I figured that wimp would more likely run from a fight than do anything to get himself killed.
Bass: So you knew him?
Patchy: Yeah, yeah. My girlfriend, Lena Flounder used to date dat weenie. He was always grovellin' fer her approval, and it didn't do nuttin' fer her. She finally got sick 'o him and got wid me, a REAL MAN. But the little goober just couldn't accept it was over. He kept on callin' her, all hours of the day and night. He came over here and thought he'd do somethin' about me, but he was thrown out on his dorsal fin. Dis guy wuz hopeless.
Bass: Sounds like maybe you decided you weren't going to let some "little weenie" keep on botherin' your special ladyfriend and maybe you decided it was time to take him outta the picture.
McWhale: Yeah.... Hey Waitaminute! Not like dat! I'm on parole for a long list of assaults. If I violate my parole, I'm back in da big house and not able to be wid my lady. No way I wanna go back to being stuck in there wid a buncha ugly guys. All I did was put the fear o' me into him. I didn't kill him!
Cat: Well, the evidence will prove or disprove this. You come in willingly and cooperate, we'll put in a good word with your parole officer if the evidence proves your innocence. In the meantime, where's your girlfriend?
Patchy: Lena? She's probably out wid her girlfriends. She usually does a girls' night out every Monday night while I'm out here shootin' stick wid my boys.
Bass: Well, come on downtown with us. We'll have impound come get your vehicle. If you're telling the truth, you've got nothing to worry about.
Hankster
Coroner
(Several cut scenes take us back to the Crime Lab. Patchy McWhale is in the interrogation room, sitting at the table rubbing his fins together. Bass and Cat are outside watching him while they await the results of processing McWhale's vehicle and a search for his girlfriend Lena Flounder.)
Cat: So what do you think, Bass?
Bass: Me? I think he's guilty as sin of doing *something.* However, we need to wait for you to get us some evidence. We can hold him for 24 hours if need be, but since he's cooperating, it would look bad if we didn't release him if he said he had to leave for some good reason.
Cat: Don't be so quick to release him just yet. I may have to work my special magic to see if I can get something out of him.
Bass: (with a smirk) Well, Abra-cadabra!
(Scene quickly cuts over to the boatmobile processing garage. Greg Sandshark and Sara Sailfish are removing tires, taking tread marks, running the superglue to check for fin-prints, doing a vaccuum job for fibre content, checking the trunk on the boatmobile. Evidence is bagged and tagged and taken back to the lab. Next montage shows Greg pulling out some scales from the vaccuum cleaner container, doing visual matches and then going through the distillation process to pull DNA from them. We see the machine process the drops as Greg and Sara watch intently. After an amount of time, the reports begin printing off and Sara grabs them to take them down the hall to Bass and Cat.)
(Jim Bass' office is only occupied by him and Catfish Willows at present. Two cups of coffee sit on his desk as the two are killing time, chatting and waiting for lab results from the Car. Sara Sailfish walks in.)
Sara: I believe you two are waiting for this.
Bass: What've got?
Sara: Boatmobile had scales with 6 distinct sets of DNA. 5 males, one female. 4 of the 5 males showed up in CODIS, one of them your detainee in the interrogation room, 3 others known associates of your detainee. Rap sheets full of the type you'd expect--public intoxication, disorderly conduct, one of them was public defecation....
Cat: Real high-brow crowd Patchy runs with.
Sara: Female didn't show up in CODIS, but here's the thing--her scales were the freshest of the bunch. We were able to get a bunch of them from off the seat before we even started vaccuuming.
Cat: How fresh are we talking?
Sara: Usually, scales get worn into the upholstry and carpets of a vehicle over time, drying out and requiring the usual solutions to be able to get DNA out. (Special effects show this process) These scales were shed recently--very little titration was required and we were able to extract a good deal more DNA from them than from the other scales.
Bass: Anything else we should know about the boatmobile?
Sara: Yes--this guy really needs to clean the interior more frequently. Or at least buy an air freshener. I nearly gagged during the processing of it.
Cat: Oh-kay. (looks at the reports) It says here that there was about half a tank left. The Salty Spittoon isn't that far from McWhale's place of residence. However, the Krusty Krab is clear on the other side of Bikini bottom.
Bass: Greg's trace report also shows scales were found on the bumper on the front passenger's side that don't match any of the scales found inside, and the DNA is male. We need to compare this to the victim.
Cat: And let's not forget, based upon what was inside the car, the most recent driver was a female. I think we need to have a word with Miss Lena Flounder as soon as a Uniform can bring her in...
Cat: So what do you think, Bass?
Bass: Me? I think he's guilty as sin of doing *something.* However, we need to wait for you to get us some evidence. We can hold him for 24 hours if need be, but since he's cooperating, it would look bad if we didn't release him if he said he had to leave for some good reason.
Cat: Don't be so quick to release him just yet. I may have to work my special magic to see if I can get something out of him.
Bass: (with a smirk) Well, Abra-cadabra!
(Scene quickly cuts over to the boatmobile processing garage. Greg Sandshark and Sara Sailfish are removing tires, taking tread marks, running the superglue to check for fin-prints, doing a vaccuum job for fibre content, checking the trunk on the boatmobile. Evidence is bagged and tagged and taken back to the lab. Next montage shows Greg pulling out some scales from the vaccuum cleaner container, doing visual matches and then going through the distillation process to pull DNA from them. We see the machine process the drops as Greg and Sara watch intently. After an amount of time, the reports begin printing off and Sara grabs them to take them down the hall to Bass and Cat.)
(Jim Bass' office is only occupied by him and Catfish Willows at present. Two cups of coffee sit on his desk as the two are killing time, chatting and waiting for lab results from the Car. Sara Sailfish walks in.)
Sara: I believe you two are waiting for this.
Bass: What've got?
Sara: Boatmobile had scales with 6 distinct sets of DNA. 5 males, one female. 4 of the 5 males showed up in CODIS, one of them your detainee in the interrogation room, 3 others known associates of your detainee. Rap sheets full of the type you'd expect--public intoxication, disorderly conduct, one of them was public defecation....
Cat: Real high-brow crowd Patchy runs with.
Sara: Female didn't show up in CODIS, but here's the thing--her scales were the freshest of the bunch. We were able to get a bunch of them from off the seat before we even started vaccuuming.
Cat: How fresh are we talking?
Sara: Usually, scales get worn into the upholstry and carpets of a vehicle over time, drying out and requiring the usual solutions to be able to get DNA out. (Special effects show this process) These scales were shed recently--very little titration was required and we were able to extract a good deal more DNA from them than from the other scales.
Bass: Anything else we should know about the boatmobile?
Sara: Yes--this guy really needs to clean the interior more frequently. Or at least buy an air freshener. I nearly gagged during the processing of it.
Cat: Oh-kay. (looks at the reports) It says here that there was about half a tank left. The Salty Spittoon isn't that far from McWhale's place of residence. However, the Krusty Krab is clear on the other side of Bikini bottom.
Bass: Greg's trace report also shows scales were found on the bumper on the front passenger's side that don't match any of the scales found inside, and the DNA is male. We need to compare this to the victim.
Cat: And let's not forget, based upon what was inside the car, the most recent driver was a female. I think we need to have a word with Miss Lena Flounder as soon as a Uniform can bring her in...
Hankster
Coroner
(Scene cuts take us to the parking lot of the Krusty Krab where we see Nick Sturgeon and Detective Mantaray Vega inside a Denali S.U.B. with the seats kicked back, eating Krabby Patties™, drinking sodas and watching the exterior of the Krusty Krab.)
Nick: Are you sure this isn't just a waste of time, 'ray?
Vega: Criminals always return to the scene of the crime. You know this, Nick. And given Plankton's M.O., it's going to happen, I can feel it.
Nick: The scene of the crime in question was the Palace 'O Pranks, not the Krusty Krab.
Vega: I think Plankton's relatives stole those whoopie cushions, electrocution rods and cash for another run at Eugene Krabs' secret formula. Sheldon J. Plankton may not be coming over to make the steal, but he's pulling the strings.
Nick: Well, that's your interpretation of the evidence.
(As the two are talking, Spongebob comes out with two garbage bags in hand, walks over to the dumpster, looks inside carefully first, lets out a sigh of relief and then throws them into there.)
Spongebob: (sniffles a little) Poor Phil... (shakes his head and then walks back to the Krusty Krab)
Vega: Is that the poor invertibrate kid who found the DB in the dumpster?
Nick: Yep. Everyone's favorite fry cook: Spongebob Squarepants. He was really broken up about it too.
Vega: (shakes his head.) He's a nice enough kid, but boy does trouble seem to find him sometimes...
(As if on cue, we see the lights in the Krusty Krab flash, an electrical crackling noise sounds, followed by a number of "OW! OW! OW!" shouts coming from inside the Krusty Krab. The lights go out, at which point the doors rip open with a loud flatulence noise, followed by a large sea of green close to the ground, running out the door with about a dozen Krabby Patties™ on top of them!
Mr. Krabs: (Off camera) NOOOO! THE SCUM ARE GETTING AWAY WITH ME KRABBY PATTIES!!!
(Nick and Vega get out of the Denali S.U.B. with guns drawn, but have a hard time getting a bead on the sea of plankton running past.)
Vega: FREEZE YOU CRAZY POD OF PLANKTON!!!
Nick: Don't shoot--you might hit an innocent bystander or yourself with the riccochet!
(The two start running after the mass of plankton, tracking on the Krabby Patties as they head towards the Chum Bucket.)
Vega: How're we going to stop this theft?
Nick: I got an idea... (Nick reaches into his pocket and pulls out what looks like a rolled up newspaper) This is a wide angle Jellyfishing net!
Vega: We're not trying to blow bubbles and catch Jellyfish like that Squarepants kid!
Nick: No! We need to get ahead of the plankton pod and lay it down on the road. We won't catch the Plankton as they're too small to get caught by the gauge of the netting, but the Krabby Patties™ are too big to get through it!
Vega: Good idea!
(The two up the speed of their run, get ahead of the pod and spread out the netting. As Nick predicted, the pod of Plankton's relatives gets through, but every Krabby Patty™ they were carrying gets caught in the netting.)
Vega: So what now?
Nick: Let's bring them back to the Double-K and check on the folks in there. They may have gotten hurt.
Nick: Are you sure this isn't just a waste of time, 'ray?
Vega: Criminals always return to the scene of the crime. You know this, Nick. And given Plankton's M.O., it's going to happen, I can feel it.
Nick: The scene of the crime in question was the Palace 'O Pranks, not the Krusty Krab.
Vega: I think Plankton's relatives stole those whoopie cushions, electrocution rods and cash for another run at Eugene Krabs' secret formula. Sheldon J. Plankton may not be coming over to make the steal, but he's pulling the strings.
Nick: Well, that's your interpretation of the evidence.
(As the two are talking, Spongebob comes out with two garbage bags in hand, walks over to the dumpster, looks inside carefully first, lets out a sigh of relief and then throws them into there.)
Spongebob: (sniffles a little) Poor Phil... (shakes his head and then walks back to the Krusty Krab)
Vega: Is that the poor invertibrate kid who found the DB in the dumpster?
Nick: Yep. Everyone's favorite fry cook: Spongebob Squarepants. He was really broken up about it too.
Vega: (shakes his head.) He's a nice enough kid, but boy does trouble seem to find him sometimes...
(As if on cue, we see the lights in the Krusty Krab flash, an electrical crackling noise sounds, followed by a number of "OW! OW! OW!" shouts coming from inside the Krusty Krab. The lights go out, at which point the doors rip open with a loud flatulence noise, followed by a large sea of green close to the ground, running out the door with about a dozen Krabby Patties™ on top of them!
Mr. Krabs: (Off camera) NOOOO! THE SCUM ARE GETTING AWAY WITH ME KRABBY PATTIES!!!
(Nick and Vega get out of the Denali S.U.B. with guns drawn, but have a hard time getting a bead on the sea of plankton running past.)
Vega: FREEZE YOU CRAZY POD OF PLANKTON!!!
Nick: Don't shoot--you might hit an innocent bystander or yourself with the riccochet!
(The two start running after the mass of plankton, tracking on the Krabby Patties as they head towards the Chum Bucket.)
Vega: How're we going to stop this theft?
Nick: I got an idea... (Nick reaches into his pocket and pulls out what looks like a rolled up newspaper) This is a wide angle Jellyfishing net!
Vega: We're not trying to blow bubbles and catch Jellyfish like that Squarepants kid!
Nick: No! We need to get ahead of the plankton pod and lay it down on the road. We won't catch the Plankton as they're too small to get caught by the gauge of the netting, but the Krabby Patties™ are too big to get through it!
Vega: Good idea!
(The two up the speed of their run, get ahead of the pod and spread out the netting. As Nick predicted, the pod of Plankton's relatives gets through, but every Krabby Patty™ they were carrying gets caught in the netting.)
Vega: So what now?
Nick: Let's bring them back to the Double-K and check on the folks in there. They may have gotten hurt.
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