CSI: Bikini Bottom
- Thread starter Hankster
- Start date
Hankster
Coroner
(Cut scenes kick in and we're back to the Palace 'O Pranks. Gills Grunion, Nick Sturgeon and Fin Benchley are going into the business dressed in helmeted biohazard suits. Fin is carrying a toolox that contains sample containers and various chemicals for on-site tests.)
Grunion: Mr. Cod indicated that the greenish biological slime was behind the cash register area.
Fin: I'll go check that. Gills, you and Nick fan out around the store and see if there's any more of it elsewhere.
Nick: Gotcha.
(Nick begins making his way around the store. Nothing but cheap plastic gags, tricks and gross-outs for as far as the eye can see. At one point, he stops by a display of some Seanut Brittle cannisters. He opens one up without thinking and a bunch of spring-snakes shoot out at his face.)
Nick: D'oh! I should've seen that one coming.
(Meanwhile, Gills Grunion is using his flashlight to check the floors and corners on the various aisles, looking for any more of the apparent biohazard. Nick calls to him)
Nick: (off-camera) Hey Grunion!
(Grunion turns as he hears Nick's voice but continues to step forward. We hear a wet squishing sound and Grunion makes a horrible face.)
Grunion: Just a second Nick, I think I stepped in something.
(He turns his flashlight to his foot)
Grunion: It's mostly green, but there's some other colors here... some yellow small round items, some green small round items, some reddish pulpy material...
(Grunion bends down to get a closer look at it)
Grunion: (rubs some on the gloves of his hazzard suit) Feels kind of oily, almost like rubber cement.
(Nick approaches and joins him)
Nick: YUCK! It looks like someone lost their lunch here.
(Camera pans out and we see a sign that says "Fake Vomit" above our two heroes)
Grunion: (makes a harrumphing face) It figures I'd step into this stuff in the Palace 'O Pranks. If we clear this store of hazards, I'm going to buy some of this stuff to put on the seat of Ecklie's chair.
Fin: (Off-camera) Guys, I've found the substance.
(Camera cuts over to behind the register where we see Fin in his hazard suit running his gloved hand through some green-gelatanous ooze. Nick and Grunion approach from behind his shoulder.)
Grunion: Let's see what we have here. Nick--have you touched anything that would have left any residue on your gloves.
Nick: The only thing I touched was a can of spring-loaded fake Seanut Brittle.
Fin: Fine. Then you run the tests while we move the substance.
(Nick reaches over and opens Fin's kit. Fin scoops up a small sample and places it into a sample jar. Nick opens up some orange pH paper and inserts it into the gel. A couple of seconds later, he pulls it out and it's slightly red. Grunion gets another sample into another jar, that Nick now sprays with luminol, and it glows slightly. A few other tests are run before the three look at eachother, nod and take their helmets off.)
Fin: This residue is plasma from a colony of Plankton! It's not toxic, just kind of gross.
Grunion: We need to know if it was any particular colony of Plankton that did this. I'll send this to Greg to have him run DNA through CODIS and see if it's a match. While MO rules out Sheldon J. Plankton, we need to find out who might have done this and if there is some further purpose involved in the theft of some cash, a bunch of whoopie cushions and some electroshockers.
Nick: (to himself, smirking) I can think of a few things to do with that stuff...
Grunion: Mr. Cod indicated that the greenish biological slime was behind the cash register area.
Fin: I'll go check that. Gills, you and Nick fan out around the store and see if there's any more of it elsewhere.
Nick: Gotcha.
(Nick begins making his way around the store. Nothing but cheap plastic gags, tricks and gross-outs for as far as the eye can see. At one point, he stops by a display of some Seanut Brittle cannisters. He opens one up without thinking and a bunch of spring-snakes shoot out at his face.)
Nick: D'oh! I should've seen that one coming.
(Meanwhile, Gills Grunion is using his flashlight to check the floors and corners on the various aisles, looking for any more of the apparent biohazard. Nick calls to him)
Nick: (off-camera) Hey Grunion!
(Grunion turns as he hears Nick's voice but continues to step forward. We hear a wet squishing sound and Grunion makes a horrible face.)
Grunion: Just a second Nick, I think I stepped in something.
(He turns his flashlight to his foot)
Grunion: It's mostly green, but there's some other colors here... some yellow small round items, some green small round items, some reddish pulpy material...
(Grunion bends down to get a closer look at it)
Grunion: (rubs some on the gloves of his hazzard suit) Feels kind of oily, almost like rubber cement.
(Nick approaches and joins him)
Nick: YUCK! It looks like someone lost their lunch here.
(Camera pans out and we see a sign that says "Fake Vomit" above our two heroes)
Grunion: (makes a harrumphing face) It figures I'd step into this stuff in the Palace 'O Pranks. If we clear this store of hazards, I'm going to buy some of this stuff to put on the seat of Ecklie's chair.
Fin: (Off-camera) Guys, I've found the substance.
(Camera cuts over to behind the register where we see Fin in his hazard suit running his gloved hand through some green-gelatanous ooze. Nick and Grunion approach from behind his shoulder.)
Grunion: Let's see what we have here. Nick--have you touched anything that would have left any residue on your gloves.
Nick: The only thing I touched was a can of spring-loaded fake Seanut Brittle.
Fin: Fine. Then you run the tests while we move the substance.
(Nick reaches over and opens Fin's kit. Fin scoops up a small sample and places it into a sample jar. Nick opens up some orange pH paper and inserts it into the gel. A couple of seconds later, he pulls it out and it's slightly red. Grunion gets another sample into another jar, that Nick now sprays with luminol, and it glows slightly. A few other tests are run before the three look at eachother, nod and take their helmets off.)
Fin: This residue is plasma from a colony of Plankton! It's not toxic, just kind of gross.
Grunion: We need to know if it was any particular colony of Plankton that did this. I'll send this to Greg to have him run DNA through CODIS and see if it's a match. While MO rules out Sheldon J. Plankton, we need to find out who might have done this and if there is some further purpose involved in the theft of some cash, a bunch of whoopie cushions and some electroshockers.
Nick: (to himself, smirking) I can think of a few things to do with that stuff...
Hankster
Coroner
(Several cut scenes shift us forward in time and over to Mrs. Puff's Boating school, where she's teaching a class, with Spongebob in it of course.)
Spongebob: But Mrs. Puff, don't you think boatmobiles would work better with the brake farther apart from the gas?
Mrs. Puff: (through clenched teeth) That's a nifty idea Spongebob, but the topic we're working on now is "What to do at a stoplight." Now, does anyone OTHER THAN SPONGEBOB have any other questions?
(At this point Haddock Brown ambles in on cue. He's wearing his CSI flack vest)
Haddock: Yeah, in fact I do. How often do the mechanics here replace the tires on the boatmobiles you use at the school?
Mrs. Puff: (to herself) Uh-oh. It's a CSI. Act natural. (To Haddock) Excuse me? Are you in my class young man?
Haddock: No, ma'am. (whips out his badge and ID) I'm Haddock Brown, Bikini Bottom PD Crime Lab.
Mrs. Puff: (to herself) Oh great. Now it's all going to come down on top of me. (to the class) Everone take a 30 minute break. We'll...
(At this, the whole class stampedes out the door, various Yee-haws! being shouted)
Mrs. Puff: (voice drops flat)...continue this later.
Haddock: Let's go over to your motorpool. I have a warrant for your vehicles and your receipts for the past 30 days.
(bubbles go across the screen and the scene switches to the motorpool of Mrs. Puff's boating school)
Mrs. Puff: As you can see, we have just 4 boatmobiles that we use with the classes we run each semester. I have two mechanics on staff who keep them running or fixes them (grits her teeth) after SPONGEBOB wrecks them when he takes his road test...
Haddock: I need to get a look at the tires. It'll only take a minute or so.
(Haddock begins walking around each boatmobile, carefully checking the sidewalls for the brand name Marlin. The Camera zooms in as he checks the tires. The First two boatmobiles have Lamprey tires on them, the third boatmobile has Goodshell brand on all four wheels, but the last one has Marlins on them)
Mrs. Puff: (nervously) Did you find what you were looking for, Mr. Brown?
Haddock: Yes, I did Mrs. Puff. I'm going to have to impound this vehicle in order to check the tire treads. When did your school last buy tires for this vehicle?
Mrs. Puff: About a month ago. (clenching teeth again) It was right after Spongebob drove this boatmobile the wrong way into a hospital zone and ran over those tire hazard spikes.... GRRRRR.....
Haddock: I see. You have the receipts?
(The camera follows Mrs. Puff goes and opens a filing cabinet, pulls out a file labeled "Tires" and pulls a receipt for a set of 3 White-walled Marlin Radials, signed by a Leni Flounder.)
Mrs. Puff: Here it is Mr. Brown. And... (she looks at the receipts) what... Leni Flounder spent $400.00 on a set of tires?!?!? I have a bulk deal on Lamprey and Goodshell tires with Bikini Bottom Tire Outlet where I only pay $99.00 for a full set. These tires were bought from some auto-repair shop on Coral Street.
Haddock: The tow truck will be here to take the boatmobile to the Crime Lab in a few minutes. Once this case is resolved, we should have it back to you. Meanwhile, who is Leni Flounder?
Mrs. Puff: She's one of the other teachers I employ. There's me, Leni Flounder and Babs Baracuda. Leni's not here right now though--she usually teaches the night classes.
(We hear a honking outside the school. The Towtruck's here.)
Haddock: Thank you Mrs. Puff. You've been very helpful. I'll be in touch if I need anything else from you.
(The towtruck driver backs into the motorpool, hooks up the boatmobile and drives off, with Haddock following him in his vehicle. )
Spongebob: But Mrs. Puff, don't you think boatmobiles would work better with the brake farther apart from the gas?
Mrs. Puff: (through clenched teeth) That's a nifty idea Spongebob, but the topic we're working on now is "What to do at a stoplight." Now, does anyone OTHER THAN SPONGEBOB have any other questions?
(At this point Haddock Brown ambles in on cue. He's wearing his CSI flack vest)
Haddock: Yeah, in fact I do. How often do the mechanics here replace the tires on the boatmobiles you use at the school?
Mrs. Puff: (to herself) Uh-oh. It's a CSI. Act natural. (To Haddock) Excuse me? Are you in my class young man?
Haddock: No, ma'am. (whips out his badge and ID) I'm Haddock Brown, Bikini Bottom PD Crime Lab.
Mrs. Puff: (to herself) Oh great. Now it's all going to come down on top of me. (to the class) Everone take a 30 minute break. We'll...
(At this, the whole class stampedes out the door, various Yee-haws! being shouted)
Mrs. Puff: (voice drops flat)...continue this later.
Haddock: Let's go over to your motorpool. I have a warrant for your vehicles and your receipts for the past 30 days.
(bubbles go across the screen and the scene switches to the motorpool of Mrs. Puff's boating school)
Mrs. Puff: As you can see, we have just 4 boatmobiles that we use with the classes we run each semester. I have two mechanics on staff who keep them running or fixes them (grits her teeth) after SPONGEBOB wrecks them when he takes his road test...
Haddock: I need to get a look at the tires. It'll only take a minute or so.
(Haddock begins walking around each boatmobile, carefully checking the sidewalls for the brand name Marlin. The Camera zooms in as he checks the tires. The First two boatmobiles have Lamprey tires on them, the third boatmobile has Goodshell brand on all four wheels, but the last one has Marlins on them)
Mrs. Puff: (nervously) Did you find what you were looking for, Mr. Brown?
Haddock: Yes, I did Mrs. Puff. I'm going to have to impound this vehicle in order to check the tire treads. When did your school last buy tires for this vehicle?
Mrs. Puff: About a month ago. (clenching teeth again) It was right after Spongebob drove this boatmobile the wrong way into a hospital zone and ran over those tire hazard spikes.... GRRRRR.....
Haddock: I see. You have the receipts?
(The camera follows Mrs. Puff goes and opens a filing cabinet, pulls out a file labeled "Tires" and pulls a receipt for a set of 3 White-walled Marlin Radials, signed by a Leni Flounder.)
Mrs. Puff: Here it is Mr. Brown. And... (she looks at the receipts) what... Leni Flounder spent $400.00 on a set of tires?!?!? I have a bulk deal on Lamprey and Goodshell tires with Bikini Bottom Tire Outlet where I only pay $99.00 for a full set. These tires were bought from some auto-repair shop on Coral Street.
Haddock: The tow truck will be here to take the boatmobile to the Crime Lab in a few minutes. Once this case is resolved, we should have it back to you. Meanwhile, who is Leni Flounder?
Mrs. Puff: She's one of the other teachers I employ. There's me, Leni Flounder and Babs Baracuda. Leni's not here right now though--she usually teaches the night classes.
(We hear a honking outside the school. The Towtruck's here.)
Haddock: Thank you Mrs. Puff. You've been very helpful. I'll be in touch if I need anything else from you.
(The towtruck driver backs into the motorpool, hooks up the boatmobile and drives off, with Haddock following him in his vehicle. )
Hankster
Coroner
(Several cut scenes shift us over to the Salty Spittoon, the roughest, toughest Sailor bar ever to be built under the 7 seas. Catfish Willows and Det. Jim Bass are in the parking lot checking some of the older, junkier boatmobiles in the parking lot for recently replaced tires.)
Bass: Most of this crowd ride motorcycles, so this might not take too long.
Cat: True. I recognize some of those guys (points to a group of biker fish hanging outside doing armpit music and laughing roughly) from my days dancing at the Medusa Club. They tiped well, but expected wayyyy too much for their money...
Bass: (Smirks) Part of the reason why you had a pole to hang onto?
Cat: (chuckles) You know it.
(Cat looks around at a couple of the boatmobiles and notices one has a bright shiny new whitewall tire that doesn't match the other older tires. A close-up reveals the older tires to be Tilapias, but the new tire is a Marlin Whitewall.)
Cat: Hey Jim--look at this.
(Bass takes a look)
Bass: Well, well, well... what do you call a junker at a sailor bar with a mismatched tire?
Cat: A Vehicle owned by a Prime Suspect.
Bass: I'll call the plates in. Let's go to the door and talk with the bouncer. See if he knows anything about this vehicle.
(The Scene cuts to the line going into the Salty Spittoon. Reg, the very tough looking bouncer, is screening the clientele as usual.)
Reg: Welcome to the Salty Spittoon. How tough are ya?
Tough Fish: How tough am I? I ran across a big pile of broken glass for excercise this morning with no shoes or socks on.
Reg: Go ahead in.
(Bass and Cat are next in line)
Reg: Welcome to the Salty Spittoon. Hey! This ain't no couples cuddling joint--I think youse wanna go over to that place. (Reg points across the street to a location of Weenie Hut Jr.)
Bass: First of all, Reg, I know your parole officer, and I don't think he'd like to hear about you threatening a cop.
(Bass flashes his badge. Reg looks at it and nods.)
Reg: Okay Detective Bass, score one for you. Now whadda you want here wid me?
Bass: Second, you see that brown Hobie Motors boatmobile over there?
Reg: Yeah. What about it?
Bass: You happen to know who it belongs to?
Reg: Yeah, I do. It belongs to Patchy McWhale. He's inside playing pool, but you better watch out--he's a mean drunk after a few beers.
Bass: Noted, Reg. Now, me and my CSI friend here will be on our way in.
Reg: You can go in, Bass. I know you're plenty tough, but why should I let that little pink gal into my sailor club.
Cat: (Firmly) Because, Reg, I used to danceat the Medusa club and i know that... (Cat starts whispering into Reg's ear. Reg's face turns red)
Reg: (Embarassed, sputtering) Uh, you can go ahead in, Ma'am. Sorry to give you a hard time.
(Several of the roughnecks outside give Reg a confused look)
Reg: What're you mooks looking at?!?!?!
(Bass and Cat start walking in, leaving Reg and the line behind.)
Bass: (Whispering to Cat) What did you say to him?
Cat: (Smugly) I just told him about the last time he and his buddies went to the Medusa Club and what happened to them when their girlfriends all showed up and busted them.
Bass: And what DID Happen?
Cat: Let's just say, when their ladies got through with them, some of them were crying like little girls...
Bass: Most of this crowd ride motorcycles, so this might not take too long.
Cat: True. I recognize some of those guys (points to a group of biker fish hanging outside doing armpit music and laughing roughly) from my days dancing at the Medusa Club. They tiped well, but expected wayyyy too much for their money...
Bass: (Smirks) Part of the reason why you had a pole to hang onto?
Cat: (chuckles) You know it.
(Cat looks around at a couple of the boatmobiles and notices one has a bright shiny new whitewall tire that doesn't match the other older tires. A close-up reveals the older tires to be Tilapias, but the new tire is a Marlin Whitewall.)
Cat: Hey Jim--look at this.
(Bass takes a look)
Bass: Well, well, well... what do you call a junker at a sailor bar with a mismatched tire?
Cat: A Vehicle owned by a Prime Suspect.
Bass: I'll call the plates in. Let's go to the door and talk with the bouncer. See if he knows anything about this vehicle.
(The Scene cuts to the line going into the Salty Spittoon. Reg, the very tough looking bouncer, is screening the clientele as usual.)
Reg: Welcome to the Salty Spittoon. How tough are ya?
Tough Fish: How tough am I? I ran across a big pile of broken glass for excercise this morning with no shoes or socks on.
Reg: Go ahead in.
(Bass and Cat are next in line)
Reg: Welcome to the Salty Spittoon. Hey! This ain't no couples cuddling joint--I think youse wanna go over to that place. (Reg points across the street to a location of Weenie Hut Jr.)
Bass: First of all, Reg, I know your parole officer, and I don't think he'd like to hear about you threatening a cop.
(Bass flashes his badge. Reg looks at it and nods.)
Reg: Okay Detective Bass, score one for you. Now whadda you want here wid me?
Bass: Second, you see that brown Hobie Motors boatmobile over there?
Reg: Yeah. What about it?
Bass: You happen to know who it belongs to?
Reg: Yeah, I do. It belongs to Patchy McWhale. He's inside playing pool, but you better watch out--he's a mean drunk after a few beers.
Bass: Noted, Reg. Now, me and my CSI friend here will be on our way in.
Reg: You can go in, Bass. I know you're plenty tough, but why should I let that little pink gal into my sailor club.
Cat: (Firmly) Because, Reg, I used to danceat the Medusa club and i know that... (Cat starts whispering into Reg's ear. Reg's face turns red)
Reg: (Embarassed, sputtering) Uh, you can go ahead in, Ma'am. Sorry to give you a hard time.
(Several of the roughnecks outside give Reg a confused look)
Reg: What're you mooks looking at?!?!?!
(Bass and Cat start walking in, leaving Reg and the line behind.)
Bass: (Whispering to Cat) What did you say to him?
Cat: (Smugly) I just told him about the last time he and his buddies went to the Medusa Club and what happened to them when their girlfriends all showed up and busted them.
Bass: And what DID Happen?
Cat: Let's just say, when their ladies got through with them, some of them were crying like little girls...
Star4CatESPChick
Police Officer
Cute and funny story!
Hankster
Coroner
(Cut scenes kick in, back to the lab.)
(Greg Sandshark is doing the usual titration on the DNA from the slime Nick and Grunion collected from The Palace O' Pranks. He pulls another jar that has a sample on it labeled "Sheldon J. Plankton sample." He runs it through the DNA Analyzer and after a few minutes a printout runs out)]
Greg: (to himself) And he makes it look too easy...
(Greg grabs the printout. Looks it over and then heads out of the lab over to Nick and Haddock's workspace. Nick is on the phone talking to some woman and is oblivious to Greg's presence)
Nick: Oh yeah honey! We can go to the spawning ground! Sure...
Greg: (does a fake female voice) Oh Niiiiickyyyyyyyy!!!!
Nick: (Falls out of his chair, quickly grabs the receiver off the ground) (to the girl on the phone) Hold on a sec, hon! (covers the receiver) (To Greg) Greg! What the HELL do you think you're doing?
Greg: I've already done it, Nick!
Nick: Sandshark, I'm warning you...
Greg: Don't get your dorsal fin in a bunch, I've got your DNA results here.
Nick: (Uncovers the receiver) I'll call you back, babe. (Then hangs up the phone) Okay, I'm all ears.
Greg: DNA confirms that a pod of plankton were at the scene. No exact matches to Sheldon J. Plankton, though. But, this pod is related to him.
Nick: A couple of years back, Sheldon called up all of his relatives and made another attempt to steal that Krabby Patty formula from Mr. Krabs. I wonder if some of them might have decided to do something on their own, without him.
Greg: It's worth a shot. (Looks at his watch) Well, my shift's over, so I'm going over to the Krusty Krab for a Krabby patty. (Walks out the door, then pokes his head back in) Enjoy you night at the spawning ground, Nicky!!!
(Nick crumples up a piece of paper and throws it at Greg, nailing him on the snout)
Nick: Knock it off, Greg!!!
(We cut to Gills Grunion in his office, feeding seaweed to a nematode in a small tank. Grunion is very occupied with this and is unaware of Nick entering.)
Nick: DNA's back--it looks like some of Sheldon J. Plankton's relatives are up to something.
Grunion: Hmmm. We haven't paid a visit to the Chum Bucket in a while.
Nick: Why would we? The food sucks over there!
Grunion: I mean for an investigation, not for dinner, Nick.
Nick: Oh right. You want me to grab Vega and see what we can shake out of old Sheldon?
Grunion: That is our job, isn't it?
Nick: Riiiiight....
(Nick walks out the door and Grunion goes back to talking some kind of baby talk to the nematode as he feeds him more seaweed.)
(Greg Sandshark is doing the usual titration on the DNA from the slime Nick and Grunion collected from The Palace O' Pranks. He pulls another jar that has a sample on it labeled "Sheldon J. Plankton sample." He runs it through the DNA Analyzer and after a few minutes a printout runs out)]
Greg: (to himself) And he makes it look too easy...
(Greg grabs the printout. Looks it over and then heads out of the lab over to Nick and Haddock's workspace. Nick is on the phone talking to some woman and is oblivious to Greg's presence)
Nick: Oh yeah honey! We can go to the spawning ground! Sure...
Greg: (does a fake female voice) Oh Niiiiickyyyyyyyy!!!!
Nick: (Falls out of his chair, quickly grabs the receiver off the ground) (to the girl on the phone) Hold on a sec, hon! (covers the receiver) (To Greg) Greg! What the HELL do you think you're doing?
Greg: I've already done it, Nick!
Nick: Sandshark, I'm warning you...
Greg: Don't get your dorsal fin in a bunch, I've got your DNA results here.
Nick: (Uncovers the receiver) I'll call you back, babe. (Then hangs up the phone) Okay, I'm all ears.
Greg: DNA confirms that a pod of plankton were at the scene. No exact matches to Sheldon J. Plankton, though. But, this pod is related to him.
Nick: A couple of years back, Sheldon called up all of his relatives and made another attempt to steal that Krabby Patty formula from Mr. Krabs. I wonder if some of them might have decided to do something on their own, without him.
Greg: It's worth a shot. (Looks at his watch) Well, my shift's over, so I'm going over to the Krusty Krab for a Krabby patty. (Walks out the door, then pokes his head back in) Enjoy you night at the spawning ground, Nicky!!!
(Nick crumples up a piece of paper and throws it at Greg, nailing him on the snout)
Nick: Knock it off, Greg!!!
(We cut to Gills Grunion in his office, feeding seaweed to a nematode in a small tank. Grunion is very occupied with this and is unaware of Nick entering.)
Nick: DNA's back--it looks like some of Sheldon J. Plankton's relatives are up to something.
Grunion: Hmmm. We haven't paid a visit to the Chum Bucket in a while.
Nick: Why would we? The food sucks over there!
Grunion: I mean for an investigation, not for dinner, Nick.
Nick: Oh right. You want me to grab Vega and see what we can shake out of old Sheldon?
Grunion: That is our job, isn't it?
Nick: Riiiiight....
(Nick walks out the door and Grunion goes back to talking some kind of baby talk to the nematode as he feeds him more seaweed.)