oh good luck! and say hi to Helena from all of us... (3 1/2 is such a cute age...) hope you all stay safe! and you know we all can't wait to read another episode of CSI:bikini bottom!
CSI:BB Episode Two "All Tired Out" (We see various dusk shots of Bikini Bottom's downtown, Conch Street, The Chum Bucket and the Krusty Krab as suspenseful music plays) (We then do a closing in series of cut shots that take us into the Krusty Krab and we see Spongebob and Squidward finishing up the day, cleaning the restaurant and getting ready to head home, and Mr. Krabs finishing counting the receipts and balancing the till.) Mr. Krabs: (Sadly) Closing time. The WORST time of my day. No more money coming in until tomorrow... (crying) boo-hoo-hoo... Squidward: Closing time. The highlight of my day. I've got a date with a beauty and her name is "Clarinet"... Spongebob: (finishes mopping the floor and walks up to Mr. Krabs) Hey Mr. Krabs! I've finished swabbing the decks, cleaning the gum out from underneath the seats (blows a bubble and pops it) and putting the patties and vegetables back into the walk-in cooler. Mr. Krabs: Then take out the trash and we'll be ready to close up. (Spongebob quickly rounds up a couple of the garbage bags from the waste cans, ties them off and whistles as he heads out to the dumpster behind the Krusty Krab. As Spongebob rares back to throw the garbage bags in, his eyes get really wide and his faces turns pail) Spongebob: (Screaming, voice gets high pitched) OH NOOOOOO!!!!! (Three cut shots later for time passing, we have BBPD on the scene, yellow crime-scene tape up and Det. Jim Bass is talking with a uniformed fish officer. A black SUB--sport utility boat--pulls up and Catfish Willows jumps out of the driver's seat and grabs her kit, with Haddock Brown getting out and coming in right behind her. ) Catfish Willows: What've we got here tonight Jim? Another floater? Bass: Nope, in this case a sinker. DB was found in the dumpster, male middle aged fish, carrying a spare tire. We're waiting on the Coroner to come out and pronounce. (Shot goes to the interior of the dumpster, showing an orange fish in a Hawaiian shirt, X's over his eyes and tongue hanging out, with a LITERAL spare tire resting on his midsection) Bass: Vic was discovered by the fry cook here--a Mr. Squarepants. Poor kid's shaken up a bit. He's inside the restaurant. Cat: We'll get to him in a minute. Haddock Brown: Anybody get the license number of the boat that hit this poor stiff? (Cue theme music "Who Are You?" by The Who. We fishy, nautical shots of fish-cariacatures of our favorite CSI's as the credits and music play. )
(We cut back in and see the poor stiff's face close up as a body bag is zipped over it. Camera pans out as it's hauled via gurney into an awaiting ambulance and driven to the morgue. Haddock Brown and Catfish Willows are finishing putting away various evidence bags and markers.) Cat: Y'know Haddock, there was something that wasn't quite right about that poor guy. Haddock: Other than the tire tracks on his skin and the spare tire on his chest? Cat: Unfortunately, yes. There was some kind of strange substance underneath his fins, felt kind of oily. I know Greg and Trace will be able to figure something out. Haddock: I don't understand what's so strange. Poor sucker was found in a garbage dumpster outside a Fast Food place. Ain't no mystery to me. (The two walk into the Krusty Krab where we see Bass off in the corner taking a statement from Spongebob at a booth. Mr. Krabs approaches) Mr. Krabs: Can I get you fine police officers anything to eat? A Krabby Patty™ with the works? A Krabby Meal™with Supersize Fries? Cat: We're not police officers, we're CSIs. Catfish Willows. Haddock: Haddock Brown. Mr. Krabs: Well, the poor fellow was found in me dumpster, but I can promise you that his death had nuthin' to do with me restaurant, me Krabbie Patties™ or me secret formula. Cat: The evidence will tell us that, Mr. Krabs, not your promise. Mr. Krabs: (sweats and is a little nervous) Well of course it will! Hee hee! I'll just go see if those uniformed police officers want some food to keep them going on their rounds. (Mr. Krabs teeters off) Haddock: I really could go for a Krabby patty. Cat: We've got bigger fish to fry. (Everyone pauses, scared at that expression, as they are all fish) Cat: I mean, we've got more important things to do. (Bass approaches from off-camera) Bass: Well, the kid knew the vic--name was Philip Dirt. He was a regular customer at the Double-K for years. He'd just been in earlier that evening eating a Krabby Patty™ for dinner and hanging out. It looks like after he ate here, someone ran him over with their boat. (We see the usual washed-out recreation of the past filming at this point) Squidward: *unenthusiastically) Welcome to the Krusty Krab. My name is Squidward. May I take your order. Phil: Uh.... Squidward: In this lifetime, please. Phil: Uh, I'll have a Krabby Patty. Squidward: (sarcastically) How original... Phil: And with extra onions! Squidward: (scarcastically) Daring today aren't we... (Washed out scene cuts over to Phil eating the Krabby Patty, finshing, throwing out his trash and walking out the door, suddenly a boat comes out of nowhere, knocks him into the dumpster and it's spare tire somehow hits Phil at high speed as he's trying to get up and out of the dumpster, killing him instantly. Washed out recreation scene ends here.) Haddock: Sounds like a hit and run to me. Cat: True, but the dumpster is BEHIND the Krusty Krab and there's no direct road coming into it. Haddock: Ah!!! Plus, even the Sanitation trucks have to go through the parking lot to pick up the dumpster trash, and they're rated for 10 MPH. Since they have to turn off the main road, they'll have to slow down that much anyway to make the turn and there's not enough distance for any car to go fast enough to lose it's exterior spare and kill the guy. Bass: Doc Bobfins will probably figure the COD and TOD and you two will be able to work from there. Now if you'll excuse me, my Krabby Patty™ is getting cold. (Bass takes off to go eat.) (Cat and Haddock shake their heads and see a large group of cops now seated and eating Krabby Patties. The camera cuts over to Mr. Krabs at the register with Squidward working the Grill) Mr. Krabs: Cops work late, as does crime--maybe keeping later hours will get me more MONEY!!! Squidward: (From behind the grill area, whiny) But Mr. Krabs, Spongebob is the Fry Cook! Why does he get to go home and I have to work? Mr. Krabs: (Annoyed) Because you didn't nearly lose your dinner upon seeing a regular customer in the dumpster, that's why! I'm going to miss poor Phil... I always loved it when he spent money here at the Krusty Krab™... (Krabs sniffles a bit) (Camera cuts back to Haddock and Cat. Haddock's shell phone rings.) Haddock: Brown. Yeah, Nick! Yeah, we're at the scene. You want what? Yeah... yeah... okay, I'll get it. See you back at the lab. (hangs up) Cat: What'd Nick want? Haddock: He wants me to pick up a 4 by 4 Krabby Patty™, Carnival Style for his dinner. Cat: (rolls her eyes)
(Commercial Break.) (Commercial is the Commercial for the Krusty Krab from the Spongebob episode "As Seen On TV", which includes a cross-dressing Squidward as Pearl's girlfriend) (We see more rooftop shots of Bikini Bottom at night, panning/zooming in via cut shots over to BBPD and The Crime Lab) (Cut to Gills Grunion's office where he's got some odd looking aquatic bug in a plastic case that he's feeding seaweed too) Gills Grunion: C'mon little guy.... eat up... (Nick Sturgeon knocks on the door and then comes in) Grunion: Hey Nick. What's going on? Nick Sturgeon: Grunion, Det. Mantaray Vega just got a call in on a burglary over at the Palace 'O Pranks. Frank Cod, the owner is in a snit about it and there seems to be some weird biohazard there. Grunion: (To himself) The Palace 'O Pranks, eh? Maybe I can get something to nail Squidrad with over there. (To Nick) Let's grab our gear and go, Nick. (Several cut scenes that take us over to the Palace 'O Pranks. We see Det. Mantaray Vega outside the front of the store, taking a statment from Frank Cod, a green fish with a balding head, grey hair and an eyepatch, presumably from having a few pranks backfire) Det. Mantaray Vega: (we start to hear him as Nick and Grunion approach) ...we'll see what we can do here Mr. Cod. Frank Cod: I hope that it's not too late to save the shipment of Whoopie Cushions that just came in. Nick: What's a whoopie cushion? Some kind of Spawning aid? Heh heh! Grunion: Save the jokes for the Christmas party, Nick. We've got work to do. Vega: Hey guys. There was a breakin earlier tonight. A uniform responded to the Alarm. Mr. Cod was in the back, duct taped to a chair so the Uni cut him free and called me and you guys. When I got here, we found some weird, smelly, green slime on the floor by the cash register that we thought might be some kind of biohazard. Nick: How do you know it's not some kind of prank slime that Frank here is selling? Frank: The slime I sell smells like mildew or maybe soap scum. This stuff here reeks like a moldy orange or some kind of medical waste. Grunion: Mantaray, you did the right thing by cordoning off the area. Let's extend the perimeter a bit and call in the expert from the BBFD's biohazard squad--Fin Benchley. Nick and I will suit up and go in with Fin and check this out.
Thankee, but I can't take credit for "Shell Phone"--it's a term that's used on Spongebob sometimes. Credit Stephen Hillenberg, the creator of Spongebob Squarepants. I just wish I could draw worth a darn. I'd love to do a drawing of all of these Fishy spoofs of our favorite CSIs, but my drawings suck the works! UGH!!! For those just joining us, here are the main CSIs at the BBPD Crime Lab: Gills Gruinon-Lead CSI, graveyard shift Catfish Willows-Deputy Lead CSI, Level III Jim Bass-Detective, BBPD Mataray Vega-Detective, BBPD Haddock Brown-CSI Level II Nick Sturgeon-CSI Level II Sara Sailfish-CSI Level II Nick Sandshark-CSI Technician, DNA Lab/Trace Dr. Bobfins-Bikini Bottom Coroner
(Back to the show) (Several cut scenes ensue and we see Fin Benchley, Gills Grunion and Nick Sturgeon putting on biohazard suits next to a BBFD truck. Fin is a tall, yellow-finned fish with a blue body) Fin Benchley: Thanks for calling me in, Gills. Given the location, you can't be too careful--some of those pranks are really dangerous. Nick: Dangerous? How so? Fin: One time, there was this Starfish who was not too bright that chewed some exploding gum and blew his own head off! If it wasn't for his ability to regenerate, that would've been a messy scene to clean up. (Cut to Patrick Star's rock. Patrick suddenly jumps up) Patrick: Where'd I leave that gum? (Patrick finds the package, opens a stick, pops it in his mouth and starts chewing. Camera cuts away as the explosion hits. Then cuts back and we see a bone sticking up where his head used to be.) Patrick: (Muffled) Oh darn it! Not again! (Cut back to the Palace 'O Pranks) Fin: Yep, that guy sure was a dim bulb. (the three of them put their helmets on) Grunion: We're going in... (several cut scenes around Bikini Bottom transistion us over to the Morgue, where Doc Bobfins has just finished the autopsy of poor Philip Dirt. We still see the Xs on his eyes, but now there's a Y-Cut across Phil's chest and a sheet over the lower half of his body. Catfish Willows is on the other side of the body from the Doc looking it over.) Cat: So Doc, what have we got here? Doc Bobfins: A poor guy that had some really bad luck. Cause of Death was crushing by a heavy, fast-moving object, most likely a boatmobile. Stomach contents were a partially dissovled Krabby Patty, coral bits and soda pop. Based upon the degree of digestion when he was found, he couldn't have been dead more than an hour and a half. Cat: Well, we know it wasn't the Krabby Patty that killed him then. Doc Bobfins: Based upon the degree of breakage, this had to be a smaller vehicle. Based upon the receipt he had from the Krusty Krab in his pocket that showed 6:30 PM, I'd say TOD was 8:30 PM. You and the folks at the lab are going to have to take it from here, Cat. Cat: You've given us something to build a timeline with. Let's see what the boys over at trace have to say about what we found at the crimescene.
Fin Benchley is a "miscellaneous expert" that we see from time to time on CSI--like Terri Miller with bones/facial construction and Jesse Menken with snakes. JAWS fans will notice the hat tip I gave to the author of that book that inspired the movie...
This episode is one where the A case is Cat and Haddock, the B case is Grunion and Nick, with some lab work done by Greg Sandshark and Sara Sailfish in incidental scenes. Squidrad Ecklie doesn't make an appearance this time around. This is also the first episode to introduce our recurring 2nd detective Mantaray Vega and BB Coroner, Doc Bobfins. Episode 3 will have Sara Sailfish and Greg Sandshark handling the A case with some input from Grunion and Nick. Annoying Lab Tech Halibut (Hodges) will also show up in Episode 3. Okay kiddies, back to the show!!!
(Scene cuts back to the lab where we see goofy Greg Sandshark dancing to some punk rock playing on his headphones/MP3 player as he's running DNA in the centrifuge and trying to separate some materials for analysis) Greg: (Dancing and jamming) Oh yeah... gonna write an essay... that's what I say... (begins drumming on the lab table as he pulls print-outs out of the printer and moves test tubes around) (Sara Sailfish walks in and observes Greg's silliness, while Greg continues, oblivious to her presence. Finally, she makes her way over to him and hits the volume up button on Greg's MP3 player. The music gets very loud, his eyes bulge and he screams in pain and jumps up, crashing through the ceiling, leaving his headphones and MP3 player behind. Two seconds later, he crashes back down to the floor of the lab, looking quite a mess.) Voice through a whole in the Ceiling: MY LEG! MY LEG! YOU STUPID LAB GUYS NEED TO GET OFF THE CAFFEINE ALREADY!!! Greg Sandshark: (Calls up to the hole) SORRY! (Notices Sara's presence) Thanks a lot. Ecklie told me if something like this happened he was going to dock my pay. Sara Sailfish: Better your pay getting docked than you ending up filleted on some dock on the surface. Where's my trace results on those carpet fibres from my case? Greg: They're in the queue behind Cat and Haddock's case. Sara: Anything I can do to get them expedited? Greg: Fix the hole in the ceiling or go on a date with me. Sara: Never mind, I'll just wait. (She turns around and begins walking out of the lab, nearly knocking over Catfish Willows.) (Catfish and Haddock look at eachother and shrug) Cat: (To Haddock) Must've gotten hooked up recently and is still recovering from the reel. (To Greg) You have my trace results on the Phil Dirt case yet? Greg: Ah yes! Here's some of the print-outs... now. (the print-outs come off and he hands them to Haddock and Cat) Haddock: (looking at the printout) The tire-tracks were from Marlin Radials--not cheap, but very common on Fleet cars used by driving schools, taxi companies and the like. Cat: But the spare tire found on his chest was a Tilapia retread, mostly seen on run down old clunkers driven by some of the rough types that hang out at the Salty Spittoon. Greg: An interesting quandry. I also found 30 weight motor oil residue imbedded in the tracks on Mr. Dirt's body, also typical of fleet vehicles. Depth of the treads indicate they don't have too many miles on them--in fact, they're probably brand new. Haddock: I'm going to run a check on Barg-N-Mart and the local tire stores to see if anyone bought any Marlin Radials recently. Cat: And I'll grab Bass and we'll go check out the Salty Spittoon and see if there's any junkers missing a tire.