---------------
Disclaimer: I do not own any part of CSI or its characters. That honor goes to the good folks over at CBS. All references to Sara’s past in foster care belong to QTR. Interested in knowing more? Go to my favorite authors, click on her name, and check out her The Life & Times of Sara Sidle.
Title: Value
---------------
Around the campfire
“…What do you mean, Sara…?” Catherine quietly asked, glancing over at the other woman.
“I mean…” Sara frowned, swallowing. “What if I don’t like anything about myself…?” she repeated her question, staring down at the fire. Because in all honesty, there really isn’t all that much to like about myself.
Nick furrowed his eyebrows, wanting to say something to make Sara feel better, but… not quite sure what to actually say. “Sara…” he hesitated. “There are a lot of good things about you…” he calmly told her, trying to smile.
Sara raised an eyebrow, looking over at Nick. “Not really…” she shrugged. “I’m…average…”
You’re above-average, Grissom wanted to point out. You’re above-average, and you have so much to offer those around you… you just don’t know it…
“You have a lot to offer everyone, Sara…” Warrick kindly spoke up. “You’re… good at your job…” he trailed off.
“Great,” Sara mumbled. “So… I’m just good at my job…whoopee…”
“And you’re a great friend,” Nick added, throwing Warrick a look.
“You have a pretty good sense of humor, too…” Greg smiled, staring across the fire at her. “Not as good as mine, but… close!”
“Those things all might be true,” Sara mumbled, kicking the dirt with the toe of her shoe. “But… I just don’t see them in myself…” she whispered, biting her lip, and closing her eyes.
Catherine sighed, taking a deep breath. “Why not, Sara…?” she asked, her friend. “Why can’t you see the value in yourself…?” she cautiously asked, making eye contact with her, before once again returning her gaze to the fire.
Sara swallowed, trying to collect her thoughts. “I… can’t…explain it…” she murmured, as she stared at the cooking shish-ka-bobs.
Grissom cleared his throat. “Can you… try, Sara…?” he quietly asked her. “We’re not going to judge you, are we, everyone?”
“No, definitely not…” Catherine immediately replied.
“Never…” Warrick trailed off, staring across the dancing flames at Sara.
“Who, me? Judge? Nah…” Greg smiled, running a hand through his spiky hair.
“You know us, Sara…” Nick jumped in. “We won’t say anything bad at all…”
Sara blinked, not sure what to say to her friends… or even how to say it. Sara was well aware of the fact that she had a lot of issues, and… she didn’t want to burden everyone else with her problems.
While Sara was thinking, Warrick threw Nick a concerned expression, raising an eyebrow. They all remembered last year… and what Sara had confided in them. They knew that for her, talking about her childhood was difficult, to say the very least.
Nick caught Warrick’s gaze, nodding back, before glancing over at Greg. We have to be careful… he mouthed to the younger man. She’s scared… and we don’t want to make it any worse for her.
Greg simply nodded, rolling his eyes. Duh… he wanted to tell his colleagues. I do have a brain…
Catherine, meanwhile, continued to watch the flames, lost in her own little world.
After a couple of minutes of silence, Grissom cleared his throat. “Sara…?” he hesitantly asked. “You… don’t have to share with us if you don’t want to, but remember what happened when we went rappelling last year…?”
Sara slowly nodded her head, frowning. She had gotten stuck, and Grissom had rescued her.
“Well… I didn’t let you fall then, and… I’m not going to let you fall now…I give you my word…” he whispered, trying to reassure her.
Sara swallowed, once again blinking. She desperately wanted Grissom to give her a hug, and to tell her that everything would be okay, but… she recognized the fact that they had made an agreement to not flaunt their relationship in front of the other team members. And although everyone already knew that they had been seeing each other for almost a year now, both Sara and Grissom had enough respect for one another, and their colleagues, to remain professional at all times. At least in public. “It’s not… it’s not that I don’t want to share with you all,” Sara finally mumbled. “It’s just that… I don’t know how to share…”
“Let’s start at the very beginning,” Greg started to sing the song from The Sound of Music. “A very good place to start…”
“Greg, knock it off!” Catherine immediately snapped at him.
Greg raised an eyebrow, but stopped singing. I was just trying to lighten the mood… he thought to himself.
“Okay, well… Greg is right, I guess…” she trailed off.
Greg flashed Catherine a look, as if to say: See? I told you so!
“So… I guess in order to like yourself,” Sara mused, “You have to believe that you have value…” she trailed off.
“And you don’t…?” Catherine kindly asked her. “You don’t believe that you have value…?”
“I… don’t know…” Sara sighed. “And I don’t want this to turn into the ‘Sara pity-party, either, but…” she whispered, staring at her hands. “But…I told you all about my childhood at last year’s retreat, right…?” Her friends all nodded. “Well… I never… had what a lot of other kids had. I never had a father who wanted to go to any of my extracurricular activities, or… a mother who baked me cookies for an after school snack…” she mumbled.
“I don’t… I don’t get it…” Greg hesitantly spoke up. “Why would that matter…?”
“Because, Greg,” Sara bit her lip. “I never had a parent who cared about me. No one ever checked my homework, or grounded me for breaking the rules—“
“You broke rules…?” Greg incredulously asked, his eyes going wide.
“Greggo, let her speak!” Nick warned.
“Sorry…” Greg muttered.
Sara ignored Greg’s comment, frowning. “Basically, I just never had anyone to really care about me… and that, I think, makes all of the difference in the world… I mean…” she glanced down at the cooking shish-ka-bobs again, lost in thought. “Our parents are supposed to tell us that they love us, right…? And to congratulate us when we do well on something…? Well… I never had that… I had an alcoholic and abusive father, a mother who ignored me, and a brother who abandoned me. And then…” she continued, “I had a foster brother who…”…Raped… “me…” she added, trying to bite back the tears that were threatening to spill over.
Warrick swallowed, rubbing the back of his neck. So… basically, he thought, no one ever told you that you were special…?
Nick frowned, staring up at the sky. You didn’t have anyone to hug or kiss you… he sighed. Although… I guess you did... just not the right kind of hugs or kisses, he bitterly thought.
Sara again swallowed, as a single tear slid down her cheek. “I mean… I know that I am a good person, and that… I am doing good work, but… my parents always pointed out my flaws…” she whispered, sniffling, as a second tear quickly slid down her cheek. Angrily wiping it away, she frowned. “I was my daddy’s princess, but… he was no knight in shining armor. And as for my mother, well… she repeatedly told me that she wished that I had never been born. So…” she tried to continue, as the tears just started to flow. “I just… grew up hating myself!” she whispered, burying her head in her hands. “Because everyone else around me hated me, so… I figured that there had to be something wrong with me!” she shakily mumbled, as her body was wracked with sobs.
Nick glanced up at Grissom. “Do something…” he mouthed to him, nodding, when he saw Catherine trying to tell him the exact same thing. “We all know about you two, so just do something…” he mouthed.
“Sara…” Grissom coughed, clearing his throat. Slowly standing up, he carefully walked around the fire, sitting down beside her. “Hey… don’t cry…” he whispered, brushing her tears away with his thumbs.
“But I hate myself!” she quietly told him, looking up at him, sobbing even harder. “I hate myself!” she repeated. “And so does everyone else!” she added, before crawling into his arms. Sara knew that very few people actually hated her, but at that moment in time, her mind was so clouded with sadness, that she just… couldn’t see the sunshine through the clouds.
“But we don’t hate you…” Grissom quietly pointed out, as he gently held her in his arms. “None of us do…”
“You know what, Sara…?” Greg hesitated, glancing over at her and Grissom.
“What…?” Sara whispered, as she swallowed, trying to calm herself down.
Greg frowned. He knew that he and his colleagues had already tried to point out some of the great things about Sara and her personality, but he also recognized the fact she needed to hear more positives about herself. “You are one of the people that I most respect around here…” he admitted, flashing her a small smile. “When I first switched over to being a criminalist, you just… helped me. You encouraged me, you helped foster my growth as a CSI, and you patiently showed me the ropes… if I had to pick one thing that I like the most about you,” he mused, biting his lip, “I’d have to say that it is your ability to teach…and to teach, without making anyone feel stupid…”
Nick nodded, focusing his attention on the crackle of the fire for a moment, in order to better collect his thoughts. “And when I came back from being… buried alive…” he sighed, “You, uh… you helped me through the rough spots. I can’t thank you enough for your friendship…”
Grissom remained quiet, as he gently rubbed Sara’s back. You taught me how to open up my heart… he wanted to tell her. Not many people have been able to show me how to feel…
“See?” Catherine smiled over at Sara. “You have so many good qualities… we just have to try to find a way to make you see them all, and to show you that you have some very likeable qualities…”
“And we have all weekend, and the rest of our lives, to do that…” Warrick added. “Okay…? We’re not going to quit on your, Sara… you’re too special to us…” he smiled, glancing over at her for a moment.
Sara slowly nodded, wiping the remainder of her tears away. “I’ll try to see the good in myself, I promise… but…” she trailed off.
“But… what…?” Warrick quietly asked.
“Greg…?” Sara mumbled.
“What…?” Greg frowned, looking over at her. What did I do now…?
“Your shish-ka-bob is on fire…” she pointed out, flashing him a weak smile.
---------------
TO BE CONTINUED
Disclaimer: I do not own any part of CSI or its characters. That honor goes to the good folks over at CBS. All references to Sara’s past in foster care belong to QTR. Interested in knowing more? Go to my favorite authors, click on her name, and check out her The Life & Times of Sara Sidle.
Title: Value
---------------
Around the campfire
“…What do you mean, Sara…?” Catherine quietly asked, glancing over at the other woman.
“I mean…” Sara frowned, swallowing. “What if I don’t like anything about myself…?” she repeated her question, staring down at the fire. Because in all honesty, there really isn’t all that much to like about myself.
Nick furrowed his eyebrows, wanting to say something to make Sara feel better, but… not quite sure what to actually say. “Sara…” he hesitated. “There are a lot of good things about you…” he calmly told her, trying to smile.
Sara raised an eyebrow, looking over at Nick. “Not really…” she shrugged. “I’m…average…”
You’re above-average, Grissom wanted to point out. You’re above-average, and you have so much to offer those around you… you just don’t know it…
“You have a lot to offer everyone, Sara…” Warrick kindly spoke up. “You’re… good at your job…” he trailed off.
“Great,” Sara mumbled. “So… I’m just good at my job…whoopee…”
“And you’re a great friend,” Nick added, throwing Warrick a look.
“You have a pretty good sense of humor, too…” Greg smiled, staring across the fire at her. “Not as good as mine, but… close!”
“Those things all might be true,” Sara mumbled, kicking the dirt with the toe of her shoe. “But… I just don’t see them in myself…” she whispered, biting her lip, and closing her eyes.
Catherine sighed, taking a deep breath. “Why not, Sara…?” she asked, her friend. “Why can’t you see the value in yourself…?” she cautiously asked, making eye contact with her, before once again returning her gaze to the fire.
Sara swallowed, trying to collect her thoughts. “I… can’t…explain it…” she murmured, as she stared at the cooking shish-ka-bobs.
Grissom cleared his throat. “Can you… try, Sara…?” he quietly asked her. “We’re not going to judge you, are we, everyone?”
“No, definitely not…” Catherine immediately replied.
“Never…” Warrick trailed off, staring across the dancing flames at Sara.
“Who, me? Judge? Nah…” Greg smiled, running a hand through his spiky hair.
“You know us, Sara…” Nick jumped in. “We won’t say anything bad at all…”
Sara blinked, not sure what to say to her friends… or even how to say it. Sara was well aware of the fact that she had a lot of issues, and… she didn’t want to burden everyone else with her problems.
While Sara was thinking, Warrick threw Nick a concerned expression, raising an eyebrow. They all remembered last year… and what Sara had confided in them. They knew that for her, talking about her childhood was difficult, to say the very least.
Nick caught Warrick’s gaze, nodding back, before glancing over at Greg. We have to be careful… he mouthed to the younger man. She’s scared… and we don’t want to make it any worse for her.
Greg simply nodded, rolling his eyes. Duh… he wanted to tell his colleagues. I do have a brain…
Catherine, meanwhile, continued to watch the flames, lost in her own little world.
After a couple of minutes of silence, Grissom cleared his throat. “Sara…?” he hesitantly asked. “You… don’t have to share with us if you don’t want to, but remember what happened when we went rappelling last year…?”
Sara slowly nodded her head, frowning. She had gotten stuck, and Grissom had rescued her.
“Well… I didn’t let you fall then, and… I’m not going to let you fall now…I give you my word…” he whispered, trying to reassure her.
Sara swallowed, once again blinking. She desperately wanted Grissom to give her a hug, and to tell her that everything would be okay, but… she recognized the fact that they had made an agreement to not flaunt their relationship in front of the other team members. And although everyone already knew that they had been seeing each other for almost a year now, both Sara and Grissom had enough respect for one another, and their colleagues, to remain professional at all times. At least in public. “It’s not… it’s not that I don’t want to share with you all,” Sara finally mumbled. “It’s just that… I don’t know how to share…”
“Let’s start at the very beginning,” Greg started to sing the song from The Sound of Music. “A very good place to start…”
“Greg, knock it off!” Catherine immediately snapped at him.
Greg raised an eyebrow, but stopped singing. I was just trying to lighten the mood… he thought to himself.
“Okay, well… Greg is right, I guess…” she trailed off.
Greg flashed Catherine a look, as if to say: See? I told you so!
“So… I guess in order to like yourself,” Sara mused, “You have to believe that you have value…” she trailed off.
“And you don’t…?” Catherine kindly asked her. “You don’t believe that you have value…?”
“I… don’t know…” Sara sighed. “And I don’t want this to turn into the ‘Sara pity-party, either, but…” she whispered, staring at her hands. “But…I told you all about my childhood at last year’s retreat, right…?” Her friends all nodded. “Well… I never… had what a lot of other kids had. I never had a father who wanted to go to any of my extracurricular activities, or… a mother who baked me cookies for an after school snack…” she mumbled.
“I don’t… I don’t get it…” Greg hesitantly spoke up. “Why would that matter…?”
“Because, Greg,” Sara bit her lip. “I never had a parent who cared about me. No one ever checked my homework, or grounded me for breaking the rules—“
“You broke rules…?” Greg incredulously asked, his eyes going wide.
“Greggo, let her speak!” Nick warned.
“Sorry…” Greg muttered.
Sara ignored Greg’s comment, frowning. “Basically, I just never had anyone to really care about me… and that, I think, makes all of the difference in the world… I mean…” she glanced down at the cooking shish-ka-bobs again, lost in thought. “Our parents are supposed to tell us that they love us, right…? And to congratulate us when we do well on something…? Well… I never had that… I had an alcoholic and abusive father, a mother who ignored me, and a brother who abandoned me. And then…” she continued, “I had a foster brother who…”…Raped… “me…” she added, trying to bite back the tears that were threatening to spill over.
Warrick swallowed, rubbing the back of his neck. So… basically, he thought, no one ever told you that you were special…?
Nick frowned, staring up at the sky. You didn’t have anyone to hug or kiss you… he sighed. Although… I guess you did... just not the right kind of hugs or kisses, he bitterly thought.
Sara again swallowed, as a single tear slid down her cheek. “I mean… I know that I am a good person, and that… I am doing good work, but… my parents always pointed out my flaws…” she whispered, sniffling, as a second tear quickly slid down her cheek. Angrily wiping it away, she frowned. “I was my daddy’s princess, but… he was no knight in shining armor. And as for my mother, well… she repeatedly told me that she wished that I had never been born. So…” she tried to continue, as the tears just started to flow. “I just… grew up hating myself!” she whispered, burying her head in her hands. “Because everyone else around me hated me, so… I figured that there had to be something wrong with me!” she shakily mumbled, as her body was wracked with sobs.
Nick glanced up at Grissom. “Do something…” he mouthed to him, nodding, when he saw Catherine trying to tell him the exact same thing. “We all know about you two, so just do something…” he mouthed.
“Sara…” Grissom coughed, clearing his throat. Slowly standing up, he carefully walked around the fire, sitting down beside her. “Hey… don’t cry…” he whispered, brushing her tears away with his thumbs.
“But I hate myself!” she quietly told him, looking up at him, sobbing even harder. “I hate myself!” she repeated. “And so does everyone else!” she added, before crawling into his arms. Sara knew that very few people actually hated her, but at that moment in time, her mind was so clouded with sadness, that she just… couldn’t see the sunshine through the clouds.
“But we don’t hate you…” Grissom quietly pointed out, as he gently held her in his arms. “None of us do…”
“You know what, Sara…?” Greg hesitated, glancing over at her and Grissom.
“What…?” Sara whispered, as she swallowed, trying to calm herself down.
Greg frowned. He knew that he and his colleagues had already tried to point out some of the great things about Sara and her personality, but he also recognized the fact she needed to hear more positives about herself. “You are one of the people that I most respect around here…” he admitted, flashing her a small smile. “When I first switched over to being a criminalist, you just… helped me. You encouraged me, you helped foster my growth as a CSI, and you patiently showed me the ropes… if I had to pick one thing that I like the most about you,” he mused, biting his lip, “I’d have to say that it is your ability to teach…and to teach, without making anyone feel stupid…”
Nick nodded, focusing his attention on the crackle of the fire for a moment, in order to better collect his thoughts. “And when I came back from being… buried alive…” he sighed, “You, uh… you helped me through the rough spots. I can’t thank you enough for your friendship…”
Grissom remained quiet, as he gently rubbed Sara’s back. You taught me how to open up my heart… he wanted to tell her. Not many people have been able to show me how to feel…
“See?” Catherine smiled over at Sara. “You have so many good qualities… we just have to try to find a way to make you see them all, and to show you that you have some very likeable qualities…”
“And we have all weekend, and the rest of our lives, to do that…” Warrick added. “Okay…? We’re not going to quit on your, Sara… you’re too special to us…” he smiled, glancing over at her for a moment.
Sara slowly nodded, wiping the remainder of her tears away. “I’ll try to see the good in myself, I promise… but…” she trailed off.
“But… what…?” Warrick quietly asked.
“Greg…?” Sara mumbled.
“What…?” Greg frowned, looking over at her. What did I do now…?
“Your shish-ka-bob is on fire…” she pointed out, flashing him a weak smile.
---------------
TO BE CONTINUED
But the ending was funny 