The Retreat
- Thread starter Zan1781
- Start date
(Thank you SO much to those of you who have taken the time to read and review this fic!)
Title: Sara’s Story
Summary: Oh camping we will go!
Disclaimer: I own absolutely nothing CSI related. That honor belongs to the good folks over at CBS. Thanks goes to Quoth_the_Raven, for letting me incorporate her the Life and Times of Sara Sidle into this chapter.
“So… you want to know about my deepest fear…?” Sara asked, staring down at the empty tinfoil wrappers littering the ground around Grissom’s feet. “Okay, I’m afraid that I will slip further into depression… and become more self-destructive, until I have no more self to actually destroy…” she said, her words hanging in the silent air. “Grissom…?” Sara then asked. “Are you… sure… that you actually want me to talk about all of this…?”
“We’re all here to listen, Sara,” he replied. “You tell us whatever you want to tell us, and we will listen… non-judgmentally.”
“Okay…” Sara sighed, looking at the fire. “Well… I, uh… don’t do this whole sharing thing very well, so… whatever I say… it stays here, around this fire. Is that… understood…?”
“Of course, Sara…” Nick replied.
“Absolutely,” Warrick told her.
“You betcha,” Greg added.
“We’re just here to listen, Sara,” Catherine quietly said.
“Right. So… cough drops are my favorite food…” Sara mumbled.
“I don’t… understand…” Greg said, looking up at her.
“I like to suck on cough drops… for breakfast, for lunch, for dinner, before bed…”
Nick looked puzzled, as he stared across the fire at Sara.
“Cough drops… cover up the smell of… alcohol…” she explained, kicking a pebble away from herself. “And for awhile now, I’ve been doing a lot of drinking…”
“But… I don’t understand,” Greg repeated. “Why…?”
“Greg…?” Grissom warned. “Tread lightly,” he mouthed to him. Greg nodded back, indicating that he understood.
“Because I have so much anger, and so much sorrow, that… I don’t know what to do about it anymore. And… the alcohol makes it go away. Well, for a couple of minutes, anyhow.”
“Sara…” Catherine started to say, but stopped herself, frowning.
“Sara… why didn’t you say anything to us…Why didn’t you tell us that you were hurting so badly?” Nick quietly asked, still looking at her.
“What did you want me to say, Nick…?” she replied. “Hey guys, I want to die, but instead, I think I’ll just drink myself silly…? That my childhood was so horrible, that… there is nothing else that I can do to make the memories go away…?”
“What… was so bad about your childhood?” Nick quietly asked, resting his elbows on his knees, and looking over at her. Glancing around the fire, he once again noticed that his friends were staring at anything but Sara: their hands, the fire, stones by their feet, the stars. They were trying to process what she was saying, he knew, but… he also realized that their actions were inadvertently pushing her away.
“The answer to that question is probably much more than you’ve bargained for…” Sara mumbled, looking at Nick.
“Go ahead, though,” Greg finally spoke up. “We won’t judge, remember…?”
“Okay…” Sara sighed. “So…I don’t want… to be like my mother. She, uh,” she nervously said, “She, uh… killed my father one night, when he came home drunk. Again.”
Warrick looked up at Sara, squinting. “For real…?” he asked, shocked.
Sara just nodded. “My father… he wasn’t the best…” she said, wrapping her arms around herself to keep warm. “He was… pretty abusive…towards me…” she trailed off.
Catherine finally looked up at Sara, once again frowning. “Verbally..? Or physically…? Or…?” Physical abuse was something that she herself was familiar with.
“’Or…’” Sara replied, lowering her gaze to the ground again. “He used to come into my room when I was young… six, maybe…? Why… are we talking about this, Grissom…?” she then asked. “Why are you making us do this…?”
“I’m not making anyone do anything,” Grissom carefully replied. “It’s… whatever you feel comfortable sharing with us…or not sharing with us… but this weekend is about getting to know one another. What makes us tick... what makes us…break…”
“What makes us crazy…” Sara supplied.
“You’re not crazy, Sara…” Nick firmly told her.
“Oh, no?” she asked, angrily wiping away a tear before it had the chance to slide down her cheek. “I’m not crazy? Are you sure, Nick?” she asked him. “Because my entire family is crazy… I might have the crazy gene in me…” she added, as more tears threatened to spill down her face. “My father used me when I was young, my mother ignored what was going on under her very own roof, my brother didn’t bother to take the time to protect me, and I’m not crazy?” she repeated, as the tears started to flow.
“You’re not crazy, Sara,” Nick repeated, as he slowly stood up, and walked towards her.
“What are you doing?” Sara asked, glancing up at him. “Stay over there! What are you doing?” she repeated
Catherine’s gaze went from Nick, to Sara, and then back to Nick again, while Greg ran a shaky hand through his hair.
“Nick,” Warrick quietly said, shaking his head no.
But Nick didn’t listen to any of them. “You’re not crazy, Sara…” he whispered, sitting down on the log next to her, and slowly wrapping an arm around her shoulders.
“I don’t need you, Nick! What are you doing?”
“Yes, you do need me. You need all of us,” he told her, as he gently drew her body towards him, his other arm encircling her neck. “And we’re here for you…”
Sara tried to pull away from Nick, feebly pushing against his chest to get away.
“Don’t run away from us, Sara…” he said, as his hand gently rubbed her back. “It’s okay…”
“Nick…” Grissom warned, as he watched Sara try to once again push away from him.
“Nick, maybe you should just let go…” Catherine started to say, but it was already too late.
Sara, her body wracked in sobs, threw herself back into Nick’s arms, burying her head against his chest.
“It’s okay, Sara…” he whispered, as he pulled her closer to him. As he continued to gently rub her back with one hand, his other hand moved up to the back of her head. Slowly running his fingers through her hair, he repeated, “It’s okay…”
Sara just clung to Nick, shaking. “I remember… everything…” she whispered. “How… I thought that what my father was doing was normal… how… my father looked, dead, at my mother’s feet. I can remember… the sirens of the police cars as they came speeding down my street… and the disgusted looks on the faces of my neighbors, as they watched them take me away. I…” Sara added, starting to sob again.
Nick looked down at Sara, wrapping his arm more tightly around her shoulders. “It’s okay…” he whispered.
Angrily wiping another tear away, Sara continued. “I remember the fear that I felt as they took me into foster care, even though I don’t really remember who ‘they’ were… I just…” she sighed, staring down at the ground, and trying to avoid the gazes of her friends. “And I remember what…he… felt like. Not my father, but my… foster brother…” she whispered, wiping some more of her tears away. “Because foster care is not what it’s cracked up to be…”
“Sara, did someone… hurt you in foster care…?” Catherine quietly asked, starting to put the puzzle pieces together.
Sara nodded, leaning against Nick, who was still gently running his fingers through her hair. “My foster parents went out one night, and Matthew, my foster brother… he… called me into his room,” she whispered, “and he… r-r-raped me…” she said, closing her eyes. “And I couldn’t get away. I tried, so hard, but I couldn’t get away…” she added, barely above a whisper. “And you know what the worst thing about all of it was…?” she asked everyone.
“What…?” Catherine quietly asked.
“They… were supposed to be my family. My father… my mother…my brother… they hurt me. And then my foster family… they hurt me, too. The people who were supposed to love and protect me… they were the ones who hurt me the most.”
Nick swallowed, not sure what to say. Even Greg, for once, was completely silent. “And then at the asylum…” Sara continued, “When I got locked in the room with Adam… and he…” she trailed off. “I just can’t take it anymore. I can’t…it’s too much. I want to…”
“You don’t want to do that, Sara…” Catherine whispered, watching her with Nick. “That’s… not the answer.”
“What isn’t the answer…?” Greg quietly asked Warrick, who looked just as confused as he felt.
“Suicide?” Warrick asked. “Are you talking about killing yourself..?” he asked Sara, looking over at Grissom. “If you are, that isn’t the way to deal with it…”
“Then what is the way?” Sara whispered, not moving out of Nick’s arms. “You tell me, because… I can’t do it anymore…”
Greg cleared his throat. “We can be your cough drop…”
“What…?” Warrick asked, once again confused.
“The cough drop… helps take care of the after effects of drinking, right…? It helps deal with the problem…?” Everyone except Nick and Sara nodded. “We can be your cough drop, Sara… lean on us for support…we can help you deal with the after effects of your childhood…”
“I… don’t know how to trust you, though…” Sara whispered. “I just don’t.”
“We’ll help you,” Nick told her, gently rubbing her back. “We won’t let anything happen to you. We’re your family, Sar…”
“But… that’s just it,” Sara whispered, closing her eyes. “You’re not my real family… you’re not my flesh and blood.”
“A family, Sara,” Grissom spoke up, “Can also be defined as a group of people who share similar values and goals…”
“And who care about one another, whether or not they share a common ancestor,” Catherine added. “What he’s trying to say, Sara,” she clarified, “Is that we care about you… and we’re here for you…”
“Definitely…” Warrick agreed.
“For always…” Greg put in.
Nick just continued to run his fingers through Sara’s hair, looking around the fire at the faces of his friend.
“Then don’t let go of me…” she whispered to Nick, as she once again buried her head against his chest, sobbing.
TO BE CONTINUED
Title: Sara’s Story
Summary: Oh camping we will go!
Disclaimer: I own absolutely nothing CSI related. That honor belongs to the good folks over at CBS. Thanks goes to Quoth_the_Raven, for letting me incorporate her the Life and Times of Sara Sidle into this chapter.
“So… you want to know about my deepest fear…?” Sara asked, staring down at the empty tinfoil wrappers littering the ground around Grissom’s feet. “Okay, I’m afraid that I will slip further into depression… and become more self-destructive, until I have no more self to actually destroy…” she said, her words hanging in the silent air. “Grissom…?” Sara then asked. “Are you… sure… that you actually want me to talk about all of this…?”
“We’re all here to listen, Sara,” he replied. “You tell us whatever you want to tell us, and we will listen… non-judgmentally.”
“Okay…” Sara sighed, looking at the fire. “Well… I, uh… don’t do this whole sharing thing very well, so… whatever I say… it stays here, around this fire. Is that… understood…?”
“Of course, Sara…” Nick replied.
“Absolutely,” Warrick told her.
“You betcha,” Greg added.
“We’re just here to listen, Sara,” Catherine quietly said.
“Right. So… cough drops are my favorite food…” Sara mumbled.
“I don’t… understand…” Greg said, looking up at her.
“I like to suck on cough drops… for breakfast, for lunch, for dinner, before bed…”
Nick looked puzzled, as he stared across the fire at Sara.
“Cough drops… cover up the smell of… alcohol…” she explained, kicking a pebble away from herself. “And for awhile now, I’ve been doing a lot of drinking…”
“But… I don’t understand,” Greg repeated. “Why…?”
“Greg…?” Grissom warned. “Tread lightly,” he mouthed to him. Greg nodded back, indicating that he understood.
“Because I have so much anger, and so much sorrow, that… I don’t know what to do about it anymore. And… the alcohol makes it go away. Well, for a couple of minutes, anyhow.”
“Sara…” Catherine started to say, but stopped herself, frowning.
“Sara… why didn’t you say anything to us…Why didn’t you tell us that you were hurting so badly?” Nick quietly asked, still looking at her.
“What did you want me to say, Nick…?” she replied. “Hey guys, I want to die, but instead, I think I’ll just drink myself silly…? That my childhood was so horrible, that… there is nothing else that I can do to make the memories go away…?”
“What… was so bad about your childhood?” Nick quietly asked, resting his elbows on his knees, and looking over at her. Glancing around the fire, he once again noticed that his friends were staring at anything but Sara: their hands, the fire, stones by their feet, the stars. They were trying to process what she was saying, he knew, but… he also realized that their actions were inadvertently pushing her away.
“The answer to that question is probably much more than you’ve bargained for…” Sara mumbled, looking at Nick.
“Go ahead, though,” Greg finally spoke up. “We won’t judge, remember…?”
“Okay…” Sara sighed. “So…I don’t want… to be like my mother. She, uh,” she nervously said, “She, uh… killed my father one night, when he came home drunk. Again.”
Warrick looked up at Sara, squinting. “For real…?” he asked, shocked.
Sara just nodded. “My father… he wasn’t the best…” she said, wrapping her arms around herself to keep warm. “He was… pretty abusive…towards me…” she trailed off.
Catherine finally looked up at Sara, once again frowning. “Verbally..? Or physically…? Or…?” Physical abuse was something that she herself was familiar with.
“’Or…’” Sara replied, lowering her gaze to the ground again. “He used to come into my room when I was young… six, maybe…? Why… are we talking about this, Grissom…?” she then asked. “Why are you making us do this…?”
“I’m not making anyone do anything,” Grissom carefully replied. “It’s… whatever you feel comfortable sharing with us…or not sharing with us… but this weekend is about getting to know one another. What makes us tick... what makes us…break…”
“What makes us crazy…” Sara supplied.
“You’re not crazy, Sara…” Nick firmly told her.
“Oh, no?” she asked, angrily wiping away a tear before it had the chance to slide down her cheek. “I’m not crazy? Are you sure, Nick?” she asked him. “Because my entire family is crazy… I might have the crazy gene in me…” she added, as more tears threatened to spill down her face. “My father used me when I was young, my mother ignored what was going on under her very own roof, my brother didn’t bother to take the time to protect me, and I’m not crazy?” she repeated, as the tears started to flow.
“You’re not crazy, Sara,” Nick repeated, as he slowly stood up, and walked towards her.
“What are you doing?” Sara asked, glancing up at him. “Stay over there! What are you doing?” she repeated
Catherine’s gaze went from Nick, to Sara, and then back to Nick again, while Greg ran a shaky hand through his hair.
“Nick,” Warrick quietly said, shaking his head no.
But Nick didn’t listen to any of them. “You’re not crazy, Sara…” he whispered, sitting down on the log next to her, and slowly wrapping an arm around her shoulders.
“I don’t need you, Nick! What are you doing?”
“Yes, you do need me. You need all of us,” he told her, as he gently drew her body towards him, his other arm encircling her neck. “And we’re here for you…”
Sara tried to pull away from Nick, feebly pushing against his chest to get away.
“Don’t run away from us, Sara…” he said, as his hand gently rubbed her back. “It’s okay…”
“Nick…” Grissom warned, as he watched Sara try to once again push away from him.
“Nick, maybe you should just let go…” Catherine started to say, but it was already too late.
Sara, her body wracked in sobs, threw herself back into Nick’s arms, burying her head against his chest.
“It’s okay, Sara…” he whispered, as he pulled her closer to him. As he continued to gently rub her back with one hand, his other hand moved up to the back of her head. Slowly running his fingers through her hair, he repeated, “It’s okay…”
Sara just clung to Nick, shaking. “I remember… everything…” she whispered. “How… I thought that what my father was doing was normal… how… my father looked, dead, at my mother’s feet. I can remember… the sirens of the police cars as they came speeding down my street… and the disgusted looks on the faces of my neighbors, as they watched them take me away. I…” Sara added, starting to sob again.
Nick looked down at Sara, wrapping his arm more tightly around her shoulders. “It’s okay…” he whispered.
Angrily wiping another tear away, Sara continued. “I remember the fear that I felt as they took me into foster care, even though I don’t really remember who ‘they’ were… I just…” she sighed, staring down at the ground, and trying to avoid the gazes of her friends. “And I remember what…he… felt like. Not my father, but my… foster brother…” she whispered, wiping some more of her tears away. “Because foster care is not what it’s cracked up to be…”
“Sara, did someone… hurt you in foster care…?” Catherine quietly asked, starting to put the puzzle pieces together.
Sara nodded, leaning against Nick, who was still gently running his fingers through her hair. “My foster parents went out one night, and Matthew, my foster brother… he… called me into his room,” she whispered, “and he… r-r-raped me…” she said, closing her eyes. “And I couldn’t get away. I tried, so hard, but I couldn’t get away…” she added, barely above a whisper. “And you know what the worst thing about all of it was…?” she asked everyone.
“What…?” Catherine quietly asked.
“They… were supposed to be my family. My father… my mother…my brother… they hurt me. And then my foster family… they hurt me, too. The people who were supposed to love and protect me… they were the ones who hurt me the most.”
Nick swallowed, not sure what to say. Even Greg, for once, was completely silent. “And then at the asylum…” Sara continued, “When I got locked in the room with Adam… and he…” she trailed off. “I just can’t take it anymore. I can’t…it’s too much. I want to…”
“You don’t want to do that, Sara…” Catherine whispered, watching her with Nick. “That’s… not the answer.”
“What isn’t the answer…?” Greg quietly asked Warrick, who looked just as confused as he felt.
“Suicide?” Warrick asked. “Are you talking about killing yourself..?” he asked Sara, looking over at Grissom. “If you are, that isn’t the way to deal with it…”
“Then what is the way?” Sara whispered, not moving out of Nick’s arms. “You tell me, because… I can’t do it anymore…”
Greg cleared his throat. “We can be your cough drop…”
“What…?” Warrick asked, once again confused.
“The cough drop… helps take care of the after effects of drinking, right…? It helps deal with the problem…?” Everyone except Nick and Sara nodded. “We can be your cough drop, Sara… lean on us for support…we can help you deal with the after effects of your childhood…”
“I… don’t know how to trust you, though…” Sara whispered. “I just don’t.”
“We’ll help you,” Nick told her, gently rubbing her back. “We won’t let anything happen to you. We’re your family, Sar…”
“But… that’s just it,” Sara whispered, closing her eyes. “You’re not my real family… you’re not my flesh and blood.”
“A family, Sara,” Grissom spoke up, “Can also be defined as a group of people who share similar values and goals…”
“And who care about one another, whether or not they share a common ancestor,” Catherine added. “What he’s trying to say, Sara,” she clarified, “Is that we care about you… and we’re here for you…”
“Definitely…” Warrick agreed.
“For always…” Greg put in.
Nick just continued to run his fingers through Sara’s hair, looking around the fire at the faces of his friend.
“Then don’t let go of me…” she whispered to Nick, as she once again buried her head against his chest, sobbing.
TO BE CONTINUED
quoth_the_raven
Corpse
*sniffle* Aww, I'm teary-eyed! Good job!
Cordelia_GRS_Fan
CSI Level Two
*tear* That wa so sad!! I love how you've brought even more depth to a very deep character like Sara with the extension of her childhood. Kudos!! And more please!!!
Xx..::Mia-Sara::..xX
Xx..::Mia-Sara::..xX
Thanks! But actually, Sara's backstory really belongs to Quoth_the_Raven. She invented the idea of Matthew, and brought life to Sara's bro... if you liked that part of this fic, go check out The Life & Times of Sara Sidle. If I knew how to create a link, I'd do that for ya! Raven, wanna throw a link up here?
saraXsullivan
CSI Level Two
*wipes eye* I just have something in my eye. An eye-lash, or ... something. *claps*
NOW CONTINUE ON!
~sar
NOW CONTINUE ON!
~sar
(Thank you SO much to those of you who have taken the time to read and review this fic!)
Disclaimer: I own no part of CSI or its characters. That honor goes to the good folks over at CSI and CBS. Also, the quotes from John Churton Collins and Helen Keller came from http://www.inspirational-quotes.info/, and the line of poetry was written by Elizabeth Barrett Browning.
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Title: Interlude
Summary: Oh camping we will go!
---------------
After Sara shared her story, the campsite became completely silent, save for the steady snap and pop from the fire, and the occasional sob from Sara. Not one person uttered a word, as each individual CSI tried to process what had just happened.
I… still can’t believe that you never said anything to us, Sara, Nick thought to himself, as he absentmindedly continued to rub her back. We… could have helped you, you know…?
Staring at the fire, Catherine sighed. Suicide? You should have come to one of us… any of us. We could have helped you through everything…
Damn, Sara, Warrick thought, as he gazed up at the stars. And here I was, worried about myself. Apparently, I should have been more worried and concerned about you!
Even Greg was somber for once, his mind racing. You’re not crazy, really. You’re one of the sanest people that I know, and I don’t think that you’ve ever done anything that could be conceived as crazy. Well…except for the fact that you’ve been keeping secrets from us for years. That’s actually a little bit on the crazy side…
It was Grissom, however, who finally broke the silence. Looking over at Sara, he sighed, not exactly sure what to say. “Sara, I wish… that I could wave a magic wand over you, and instantly make you feel better,” he told her, as she slowly picked her head up from Nick’s shoulder in order to glance at him. “I wish that… I could say something to reassure you of the fact that you aren’t alone… I can only repeatedly tell you that we’re all here for you.”
“John Churton Collins,” Catherine spoke up.
“…Who...? What…?” Greg asked, confused.
“John Churton Collins,” she repeated the name. “He once said that ‘In prosperity, our friends know us; in adversity, we know our friends…’ And it’s true, Sara… we are your friends; your family… we’re here to help you, in any way that we can.”
“I know that,” Sara quietly whispered from beside Nick, “And…I appreciate it.”
After a couple of moments of silence, Grissom cleared his throat. “Sara… I know that this is easier said than done, but… Helen Keller said something that kind of applies to your situation. Well, actually, to all of our situations…” he trailed off.
“What is it, Grissom…?” Nick curiously asked, looking over at him.
“She once said that ‘when one door of happiness closes, another opens, but often we look so long at the closed door that we do not see the one that has been opened for us…’”
Nick frowned. “It’s… hard to look forward,” he sighed, “When there’s so much in the past that still has to be dealt with…”
“Yeah, no kidding,” Warrick added.
“Moving on takes time, Grissom…” Catherine commented. “And therapy… It’s not… a process that can be done over night…”
Sara just nodded, staring at the ground. “Time… I just need time…” she mumbled, leaning against Nick for support, as her eyes slowly started to close. Without saying a word, Nick just quietly wrapped his arm more tightly around Sara’s shoulders.
Once again, the team members all lapsed into their individual silences, thinking about the evening. It hadn’t been an easy one for any of them, and… they knew that they probably had more talking to do. Grissom, at the very least, still had to share his deepest fear.
Sighing, Catherine stared at the embers of the fire, lost in thought. We all… really do have each other, don’t we…?
It’s nice… to have good friends, Greg thought, staring out at the darkened lake.
I’m going to introduce Tina to the team once we get home. It’s time, I think, Warrick thought, looking up at the night sky.
Nick glanced down at Sara, feeling a little bit anxious. You don’t… deserve what happened to you, Sara… I wish… that I had been able to stop it.
I… don’t know how to trust. How… do you start to trust someone…? Sara questioned herself, moving closer to Nick. None of you would ever hurt me. I know that…Especially you, Nick…
‘How do I love thee? Let me count the ways,’ Grissom bitterly thought to himself. He beat you to her, Grissom, fair and square. You could have easily comforted her...but… you were too slow.
---------------
Twenty minutes later, Greg’s head snapped up, as he bit back a yelp. “What… uh… what was that?” he quietly asked the group, his voice shattering the silence of the evening. When no one looked up at him, he repeated his question a bit more loudly. “No, seriously, what was that…?”
“Probably just the wind, Greggo…” Nick told him, still holding Sara in his arms, and once again running his fingers through her hair.
“No it wasn’t. The wind goes ‘wooooosshhhh….’ That was definitely a ‘rustle-rustle’ noise…” he trailed off, standing up, and moving closer to the fire. “Warrick, go check it out…”
“I’m not going to check it out, man, you go check it out!” he replied with a grin, looking over at him.
“Grissom, you’re the supervisor…” Greg tried again. “Go check it out…”
“It’s fine, Greg,” Grissom told him, raising an eyebrow. “It was probably just an animal…”
“Like… a coyote…?” Greg asked, nervously looking around. “Maybe… someone should go check it out, just to be sure that it’s something harmless…?”
“Washoe Lake State Park has a lot of animals, Greg,” Grissom replied, “But there are enough people and fires around here to keep them far enough away from us. Don’t worry about it…” he added.
“I won’t worry about it, until some coyote tries to take one of my legs off,” he mumbled. “A Greg-shish-cabob.”
“I don’t think that the coyote would find you all that appetizing,” Catherine teased, smiling at her younger colleague.
“Although…” Warrick added, holding back a laugh. “Never mind…”
“What?” Greg asked, looking at his friend.
“Never mind,” Warrick repeated, smiling.
Nick rolled his eyes at the antics of his co-workers, once again glancing down at Sara. “Are you doing okay…?” he quietly asked her, his arm still wrapped around her back. Sara just nodded. “Do you want anything? A blanket…? A drink…? Food…?” Sara shook her head no, resting her head on Nick’s shoulder. “Okay,” he whispered, looking at the fire.
“Did… someone say… food…?” Greg asked, raising an eyebrow.
Grissom gave a small chuckle. “No one can accuse you of not having good hearing…” he commented.
“You’re always hungry, Greggo,” Nick said with a smile.
“Yeah, but… all of this thinking… seriously, it’s making me hungry!”
“Shall we… make some s’mores?” Grissom suggested.
“You have… chocolate…?” Catherine asked, perking up. “You’ve been holding out on me, Gil!”
Grissom laughed. “The graham crackers, marshmallows, chocolate, and skewers are all buried in the storage bin.”
“On it,” Greg immediately replied, bouncing up to get the supplies. “Warrick, little help?”
“Yeah, you bet,” he replied, standing up and stretching. “Anyone else want anything, while we’re up?” Catherine, Grissom, and Nick shook their heads no, while Sara remained still, her eyes closed. “Okay, back in a few…” he told everyone, once again yawning.
“I haven’t had s’mores since I was a Girl Scout,” Catherine commented. “I used to love browning the little marshmallows...”
“I was definitely a burnt marshmallow kind of guy myself,” Nick replied with a smile.
“Not me!” Greg told everyone, returning with the package of marshmallows, chocolate, and graham crackers. “I don’t like them burnt! Then again, I don’t like them browned, either!”
“You…don’t like marshmallows…?” Nick asked him, completely shocked. “I… kind of thought that you’d eat anything!” he laughed.
“Well I didn’t say that now, did I, Nick?” Greg grinned. “I said that I didn’t like them burned or browned… I like ‘em uncooked,” he smiled, ripping open the bag, and grabbing a couple of the white, fluffy treats. Shoving them into his mouth, he laughed. “Gooey…”
“That’s… sick, man,” Warrick laughed, handing a skewer and the bag of marshmallows to Catherine. “You have goo on your face, too,” he told Greg, as he handed another skewer to Grissom. “Sara? Want a s’more?” he asked.
“Of course…” she replied, slowly opening her eyes. Looking at Nick for a moment, Sara tried to reassure herself that he wasn’t going anywhere. When he flashed her a small smile, she took the skewer from Warrick, grabbing the bag of marshmallows from Grissom.
“Nicky, here you go,” Warrick then said, handing a skewer to his colleague, before waiting for the marshmallows to make it back around to himself.
“Kumbaya, anyone…?” Catherine chuckled.
“Ugh, please, no!” Greg replied with a laugh, grabbing another marshmallow and eating it raw.
Grissom gave a small smile, as he watched his team interact with one another. Good… this retreat is working out well, although… soon… it will be my turn to share. I can hardly wait! he sarcastically thought to himself.
Disclaimer: I own no part of CSI or its characters. That honor goes to the good folks over at CSI and CBS. Also, the quotes from John Churton Collins and Helen Keller came from http://www.inspirational-quotes.info/, and the line of poetry was written by Elizabeth Barrett Browning.
---------------
Title: Interlude
Summary: Oh camping we will go!
---------------
After Sara shared her story, the campsite became completely silent, save for the steady snap and pop from the fire, and the occasional sob from Sara. Not one person uttered a word, as each individual CSI tried to process what had just happened.
I… still can’t believe that you never said anything to us, Sara, Nick thought to himself, as he absentmindedly continued to rub her back. We… could have helped you, you know…?
Staring at the fire, Catherine sighed. Suicide? You should have come to one of us… any of us. We could have helped you through everything…
Damn, Sara, Warrick thought, as he gazed up at the stars. And here I was, worried about myself. Apparently, I should have been more worried and concerned about you!
Even Greg was somber for once, his mind racing. You’re not crazy, really. You’re one of the sanest people that I know, and I don’t think that you’ve ever done anything that could be conceived as crazy. Well…except for the fact that you’ve been keeping secrets from us for years. That’s actually a little bit on the crazy side…
It was Grissom, however, who finally broke the silence. Looking over at Sara, he sighed, not exactly sure what to say. “Sara, I wish… that I could wave a magic wand over you, and instantly make you feel better,” he told her, as she slowly picked her head up from Nick’s shoulder in order to glance at him. “I wish that… I could say something to reassure you of the fact that you aren’t alone… I can only repeatedly tell you that we’re all here for you.”
“John Churton Collins,” Catherine spoke up.
“…Who...? What…?” Greg asked, confused.
“John Churton Collins,” she repeated the name. “He once said that ‘In prosperity, our friends know us; in adversity, we know our friends…’ And it’s true, Sara… we are your friends; your family… we’re here to help you, in any way that we can.”
“I know that,” Sara quietly whispered from beside Nick, “And…I appreciate it.”
After a couple of moments of silence, Grissom cleared his throat. “Sara… I know that this is easier said than done, but… Helen Keller said something that kind of applies to your situation. Well, actually, to all of our situations…” he trailed off.
“What is it, Grissom…?” Nick curiously asked, looking over at him.
“She once said that ‘when one door of happiness closes, another opens, but often we look so long at the closed door that we do not see the one that has been opened for us…’”
Nick frowned. “It’s… hard to look forward,” he sighed, “When there’s so much in the past that still has to be dealt with…”
“Yeah, no kidding,” Warrick added.
“Moving on takes time, Grissom…” Catherine commented. “And therapy… It’s not… a process that can be done over night…”
Sara just nodded, staring at the ground. “Time… I just need time…” she mumbled, leaning against Nick for support, as her eyes slowly started to close. Without saying a word, Nick just quietly wrapped his arm more tightly around Sara’s shoulders.
Once again, the team members all lapsed into their individual silences, thinking about the evening. It hadn’t been an easy one for any of them, and… they knew that they probably had more talking to do. Grissom, at the very least, still had to share his deepest fear.
Sighing, Catherine stared at the embers of the fire, lost in thought. We all… really do have each other, don’t we…?
It’s nice… to have good friends, Greg thought, staring out at the darkened lake.
I’m going to introduce Tina to the team once we get home. It’s time, I think, Warrick thought, looking up at the night sky.
Nick glanced down at Sara, feeling a little bit anxious. You don’t… deserve what happened to you, Sara… I wish… that I had been able to stop it.
I… don’t know how to trust. How… do you start to trust someone…? Sara questioned herself, moving closer to Nick. None of you would ever hurt me. I know that…Especially you, Nick…
‘How do I love thee? Let me count the ways,’ Grissom bitterly thought to himself. He beat you to her, Grissom, fair and square. You could have easily comforted her...but… you were too slow.
---------------
Twenty minutes later, Greg’s head snapped up, as he bit back a yelp. “What… uh… what was that?” he quietly asked the group, his voice shattering the silence of the evening. When no one looked up at him, he repeated his question a bit more loudly. “No, seriously, what was that…?”
“Probably just the wind, Greggo…” Nick told him, still holding Sara in his arms, and once again running his fingers through her hair.
“No it wasn’t. The wind goes ‘wooooosshhhh….’ That was definitely a ‘rustle-rustle’ noise…” he trailed off, standing up, and moving closer to the fire. “Warrick, go check it out…”
“I’m not going to check it out, man, you go check it out!” he replied with a grin, looking over at him.
“Grissom, you’re the supervisor…” Greg tried again. “Go check it out…”
“It’s fine, Greg,” Grissom told him, raising an eyebrow. “It was probably just an animal…”
“Like… a coyote…?” Greg asked, nervously looking around. “Maybe… someone should go check it out, just to be sure that it’s something harmless…?”
“Washoe Lake State Park has a lot of animals, Greg,” Grissom replied, “But there are enough people and fires around here to keep them far enough away from us. Don’t worry about it…” he added.
“I won’t worry about it, until some coyote tries to take one of my legs off,” he mumbled. “A Greg-shish-cabob.”
“I don’t think that the coyote would find you all that appetizing,” Catherine teased, smiling at her younger colleague.
“Although…” Warrick added, holding back a laugh. “Never mind…”
“What?” Greg asked, looking at his friend.
“Never mind,” Warrick repeated, smiling.
Nick rolled his eyes at the antics of his co-workers, once again glancing down at Sara. “Are you doing okay…?” he quietly asked her, his arm still wrapped around her back. Sara just nodded. “Do you want anything? A blanket…? A drink…? Food…?” Sara shook her head no, resting her head on Nick’s shoulder. “Okay,” he whispered, looking at the fire.
“Did… someone say… food…?” Greg asked, raising an eyebrow.
Grissom gave a small chuckle. “No one can accuse you of not having good hearing…” he commented.
“You’re always hungry, Greggo,” Nick said with a smile.
“Yeah, but… all of this thinking… seriously, it’s making me hungry!”
“Shall we… make some s’mores?” Grissom suggested.
“You have… chocolate…?” Catherine asked, perking up. “You’ve been holding out on me, Gil!”
Grissom laughed. “The graham crackers, marshmallows, chocolate, and skewers are all buried in the storage bin.”
“On it,” Greg immediately replied, bouncing up to get the supplies. “Warrick, little help?”
“Yeah, you bet,” he replied, standing up and stretching. “Anyone else want anything, while we’re up?” Catherine, Grissom, and Nick shook their heads no, while Sara remained still, her eyes closed. “Okay, back in a few…” he told everyone, once again yawning.
“I haven’t had s’mores since I was a Girl Scout,” Catherine commented. “I used to love browning the little marshmallows...”
“I was definitely a burnt marshmallow kind of guy myself,” Nick replied with a smile.
“Not me!” Greg told everyone, returning with the package of marshmallows, chocolate, and graham crackers. “I don’t like them burnt! Then again, I don’t like them browned, either!”
“You…don’t like marshmallows…?” Nick asked him, completely shocked. “I… kind of thought that you’d eat anything!” he laughed.
“Well I didn’t say that now, did I, Nick?” Greg grinned. “I said that I didn’t like them burned or browned… I like ‘em uncooked,” he smiled, ripping open the bag, and grabbing a couple of the white, fluffy treats. Shoving them into his mouth, he laughed. “Gooey…”
“That’s… sick, man,” Warrick laughed, handing a skewer and the bag of marshmallows to Catherine. “You have goo on your face, too,” he told Greg, as he handed another skewer to Grissom. “Sara? Want a s’more?” he asked.
“Of course…” she replied, slowly opening her eyes. Looking at Nick for a moment, Sara tried to reassure herself that he wasn’t going anywhere. When he flashed her a small smile, she took the skewer from Warrick, grabbing the bag of marshmallows from Grissom.
“Nicky, here you go,” Warrick then said, handing a skewer to his colleague, before waiting for the marshmallows to make it back around to himself.
“Kumbaya, anyone…?” Catherine chuckled.
“Ugh, please, no!” Greg replied with a laugh, grabbing another marshmallow and eating it raw.
Grissom gave a small smile, as he watched his team interact with one another. Good… this retreat is working out well, although… soon… it will be my turn to share. I can hardly wait! he sarcastically thought to himself.
saraXsullivan
CSI Level Two
more soon!!!
~sar
~sar
Announcement: Thank you SO much to those of you who have taken the time to read and review this fic. I really appreciate it, and I hope that you all like this new chapter! And before you ask, I do not yet know how a certain situation will resolve itself! The jury is still out, so…if you choose to keep reading future chapters of this fic, I suppose we will all find out together!
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Disclaimer: I do not own any part of CSI or its characters. That honor goes to the folks over at CBS. Also, the quote is from the opening passage of a Tale of Two Cities, by Charles Dickens.
Title: Grissom’s Story
Summary: Oh camping we will go!
---------------
Looking around the fire at the faces of his co-workers, Grissom sighed. “I wanted to thank all of you for sharing your fears with everyone,” he quietly told them, making eye contact with each individual CSI, except for Sara, who still had her head buried against Nick’s shoulder. “I know that it can be difficult to share such minute, personal details about ourselves, but… I truly believe that doing so makes us better human beings.”
“I don’t know about that, Gil,” Catherine said with a small smile, looking over at him, “But it definitely helps to get things out in the open.”
“Although the whole nervous sweating thing is a bit disgusting,” Greg remarked, stopping for a moment to smell his armpits.
“Actually, I like getting to know all of you a little bit more,” Nick shrugged, ignoring Greg’s comment, and looking down at Sara. “I’m learning things about some of you that I never knew…” he trailed off.
Warrick raised his eyebrow at Nick, trying to hide his smile. “I agree with Nicky…I’m glad that I am having the opportunity to get to know all of you outside of work,” he finally said. “It’s about time.
“Gil? I believe it’s your turn to go…” Catherine quietly spoke up, once again looking over at him.
Grissom stared at the ground, frowning. “It’s only fair, right…?” he asked the group.
Greg chuckled. “Grissom’s in the hot seat!” he said with a grin.
“Greg…?” Catherine warned.
“Sorry…” he muttered under his breath, popping another raw marshmallow into his mouth.
Grissom cleared his throat, before removing his glasses in order to rub the bridge of his nose. Slowly raising his gaze to look at his colleagues, he quietly said, “‘It was the best of times, it was the worst of times, it was the age of wisdom, it was the age of foolishness, it was the epoch of belief, it was the epoch of incredulity, it was the season of Light, it was the season of Darkness, it was the spring of hope, it was the winter of despair, we had everything before us, we had nothing before us…’”
“…Shakespeare?” Nick asked.
Grissom shook his head no. “Emerson…?” Warrick questioned.
Grissom again shook his head no. “Dr. Seuss?” Greg asked, grinning.
“Uh… no…” Grissom sighed. “It’s—“
“Just kidding…” Greg interrupted. “It was Charles Dickens,” he told everyone with a proud smile. “From a Tale of Two Cities.”
“Very good, Greg,” Grissom replied with a small smile.
“But… I don’t understand how this relates to your greatest fear, Gil…” Catherine quietly said, looking over at her friend and supervisor.
“Simple,” Grissom told her, shrugging. “It describes our team… and the unpredictability of our lives, and…” he trailed off, “My current mental state…”
Sara finally looked up at Grissom, confused. “I don’t… understand…” she whispered.
“‘It was the best of times, it was the worst of times…’” Grissom began. “When Nick got kidnapped,” he quietly said, his words punctuated by the crackle of the fire, “It was the worst of times. I felt… ineffectual, incapable, out of control… not intelligent enough to stop what happened, from actually happening. I… looked around at all of you, and felt unsure of myself, and unsure of what to do… or to say. Sara, you were almost inconsolable. Warrick, you were ready to fly off of the handle at any moment. Catherine, your fear was palpable. Greg, you tried to hold it together, but… you were having a difficult time. And as for myself,” he added, once again rubbing the bridge of his nose, “I felt… vulnerable. Nick, your kidnapping made me realize one thing…”
“What…?” Nick quietly asked.
“That at any moment, I can… lose any one of you. And I am desperately worried that I will be the cause of that happening…”
“But Grissom… if it’s going to happen, it’s going to happen…” Catherine pointed out.
Grissom just sighed, continuing. “‘It was the age of wisdom, it was the age of foolishness…’ I am supposed to be the leader…the guy with all of the answers. I have the most seniority, and… it is my job to keep each and every one of you safe, so that you can return home to your families. I—“
“But Grissom,” Greg interrupted. “No one knows everything…” he quietly said. “Except for Alex Trebeck, maybe…”
“Please, Greg, let me finish…” Grissom told him. “I am supposed to have enough wisdom to be able to save all of you, when in actuality, I myself still have so much to learn...”
“Like… what…?” Greg asked, once again ignoring the glare from Catherine.
“It’s…alright, Catherine,” Grissom quietly sighed, holding up one of his hands to stop her protestation. “Greg, you know how to relax and have fun. I do not. Warrick, you know how to balance your personal life with your work life. I do not. Nick, you know how to persevere against insurmountable odds. I do not. Catherine, you know how to speak with victims, and how to gain their trust. I do not. And Sara,” he continued, “Well…” he trailed off, “You know…”
“Nothing…?” she supplied for him.
“No. You know how to give people multiple chances. I do not,” he sighed.
Catherine raised an eyebrow, confused. What did that mean? Glancing over at Warrick, she shrugged, smiling, as he did the same. Nick continued to hold Sara, his thumb gently brushing against her arm.
Grissom took another deep breath, before continuing. “‘It was the epoch of belief, it was the epoch of incredulity…’ This describes the last could of years of our work lives… we started off working as a team, convinced that we were invincible. We solved crime after crime, without anything major really happening. I believed that things were okay… that nothing could go wrong. But then things started to change. I was almost fired, our team was split up, Nick, you were almost killed, and some of us went through our own personal crises. I went from believing that everything would be okay, to… feeling incredulous at what was taking place around me...”
Sara frowned, staring down at the ground. He’s not even making any sense… personal crises? Who went through those? Oh…does he mean… me…? Sighing, she closed her eyes, trying to burrow into Nick’s arms.
“‘It was the season of Light, it was the season of Darkness, it was the spring of hope, it was the winter of despair…’” Grissom quietly recited, his voice once again rising above the sizzle and pop of the fire. “I… am worried…” he told everyone. “Light and darkness… good and evil…right decisions and wrong decisions… I feel like I am constantly walking this fine line between the different dichotomies, and that at any moment, I will take a wrong step, and do something that will propel us all into a ‘winter of despair.’ Do you know how many decisions I have to make in one day…?” he asked everyone, looking around the fire at their puzzled faces. “What if… I do, or say, something, that inadvertently causes one of you to get hurt?” Or not say, in your case, Sara.
Nick sighed, raising his eyes to meet Grissom’s gaze. “Grissom…” he started to say, before realizing that he didn’t exactly know how to finish his sentence.
“You might be our supervisor, Grissom,” Catherine carefully said, “But you are not solely responsible for our actions… or our safety.”
“We all signed up for this job, knowing what might happen to us…” Greg added.
“I know…” Grissom sighed, staring at the ground. “But… it goes beyond that. The last part is more…personal in nature…’We had everything before us, we had nothing before us…’ I… don’t know how to share my thoughts and feelings…” Grissom slowly said, before swallowing, and looking up at Sara.
Sara opened her eyes, blinking. What did he just say? she asked herself.
Catherine followed Grissom’s gaze to Sara, raising an eyebrow.
“What are you talking about, Grissom…?” Greg asked him, running a hand through his hair. “I don’t… understand…”
”I had the chance to have… everything. I had… everything standing right in front of me, but my…stupidity, and my…inability to act… ripped it all away…” he answered, before looking down at the ground again.
Warrick coughed, clearing his throat. “Uh… Grissom…” he trailed off, not sure what to say. Glancing over at Nick, he rubbed his neck.
He didn’t… he didn’t just say what I think he just said, did he…? Is he…referring to...? Sara once again asked herself, starting to feel a little uncomfortable and confused.
He isn’t… referring to… Sara, right…? Nick thought, glancing down at her in his arms. He doesn’t… have feelings for her… does he…? Why… is he looking at her like that…?
“Grissom…” Catherine started to say.
“No, let me finish,” Grissom replied, once again looking up at everyone. “Dickens aside, I am worried about not being able to express how much each and every one of you actually means to me, before… something happens. If something happens,” he amended. “I am worried that one of you might be kidnapped, or get hurt, or even killed, and that I will not be able to stop it from happening. I am concerned that I might someday miss a clue at a crime scene, or that I might not be able to get through to a suspect, accidentally allowing someone who is detrimental to escape and come back to hurt one of you. I guess most importantly, however,” he sighed, “is that I am… afraid that I will not have the chance to get to know you, or that I won’t even know how to get to know you, if given the opportunity to do so…”
He definitely wasn’t talking about me, right…? Sara again asked herself, still focusing on Grissom’s previous statements. Because Grissom doesn’t have feelings for me…he doesn’t have feelings for anyone… I don’t think… does he…?
“There’s still time, Grissom,” Nick told him, gently rubbing Sara’s arm. “We’re all still here, breathing… although…if Greg takes one more marshmallow, he won’t be breathing for long…” he added, as he noticed Greg take another handful of the gooey treat.
“Hey!” Greg replied with a smile, shoving two of them into his mouth. “They’re good!” he told everyone, grabbing a piece of chocolate and two graham crackers in order to compliment his marshmallows.
Catherine rolled her eyes, turning her attention back to Grissom. “I can… understand what you are feeling, Gil,” she told him, “We all come to work every day, and put our lives on the line for one another. We all… periodically share meals with one another, and we all… care about what happens to one another. Even you,” she added. “Gil… I know that you want to protect us, and I know that you fight for us every single day… although… you’re a bit slow with the paperwork,” she added with a teasing grin, raising an eyebrow at him.
“Sorry…” he quietly replied.
“But I know that when push comes to shove with Ecklie,” she continued, “You are there for us.”
“I know that, too, Gris,” Warrick spoke up. “I respect you, man, and I’m glad that I work graveyard. Don’t get me wrong, Cath,” he added, turning to his former supervisor. “I loved working with you and Nick, but… I started to miss the camaraderie of nights. Greg’s stupid jokes, Sara’s insane thoroughness, and you, Grissom,” he concluded.
“That goes triple for me,” Greg jumped in. “I’ve wanted to make you proud of me for the longest time, Grissom,” he said, shrugging his shoulders. “I know that you care about all of us… you love your job, and you put a lot of your effort into it, but a rare smile from you, or a ‘job well done,’ means a lot to me. And it wouldn’t matter at all, if I thought that you disliked me…”
Grissom nodded, throwing a look in Sara’s direction. She was the only one who still had yet to say something.
Sara, however, her eyes tightly shut, remained quiet. Why now…? Why in front of everyone…? she thought to herself, lost in her own world.
“Thank you for all of your comments…” Grissom finally said. “Listen, I don’t know about all of you, but…I’m tired. How about we get some sleep…? Tomorrow will be a very busy day…” he quietly added.
“Why?” Greg asked. “What do you have planned for us?”
“Repelling,” Grissom told him, standing up.
“You’re not… serious, right…?” Catherine quickly asked, looking up at him.
“When am I ever not serious, Catherine?” he asked with a smile. “So tomorrow we do a little repelling, and—”
“And some swimming?” Greg hopefully asked.
“And some swimming,” Grissom smiled. “And… some more talking.”
Nick groaned. “About what…?” he hesitantly asked.
“Your hopes and dreams for the future,” Grissom simply replied. “Alright. We have three tents. Who’s bunking with whom…?” he asked, glancing around the fire.
“Sara and I are together,” Catherine quickly said, walking to the larger of the three tents. With a sigh, Sara stood up, following her.
Grissom headed over to the middle tent, walking in.
“Rock, paper, scissors?” Greg suggested to Nick and Warrick, grinning.
“No, Greggo,” Nick replied with a smile. “He snores. You’re the newest. You’re sharing a tent with Grissom. Good night!” he added, slapping the younger CSI on the back.
“Hey! That’s not fair!” Greg told him. “Come on…pick a number? Draw straws?”
“Goodnight, Greg,” Warrick grinned, following Nick to the tent on the end.
With a sigh, Greg grabbed a sleeping bag, turning in for the night.
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Disclaimer: I do not own any part of CSI or its characters. That honor goes to the folks over at CBS. Also, the quote is from the opening passage of a Tale of Two Cities, by Charles Dickens.
Title: Grissom’s Story
Summary: Oh camping we will go!
---------------
Looking around the fire at the faces of his co-workers, Grissom sighed. “I wanted to thank all of you for sharing your fears with everyone,” he quietly told them, making eye contact with each individual CSI, except for Sara, who still had her head buried against Nick’s shoulder. “I know that it can be difficult to share such minute, personal details about ourselves, but… I truly believe that doing so makes us better human beings.”
“I don’t know about that, Gil,” Catherine said with a small smile, looking over at him, “But it definitely helps to get things out in the open.”
“Although the whole nervous sweating thing is a bit disgusting,” Greg remarked, stopping for a moment to smell his armpits.
“Actually, I like getting to know all of you a little bit more,” Nick shrugged, ignoring Greg’s comment, and looking down at Sara. “I’m learning things about some of you that I never knew…” he trailed off.
Warrick raised his eyebrow at Nick, trying to hide his smile. “I agree with Nicky…I’m glad that I am having the opportunity to get to know all of you outside of work,” he finally said. “It’s about time.
“Gil? I believe it’s your turn to go…” Catherine quietly spoke up, once again looking over at him.
Grissom stared at the ground, frowning. “It’s only fair, right…?” he asked the group.
Greg chuckled. “Grissom’s in the hot seat!” he said with a grin.
“Greg…?” Catherine warned.
“Sorry…” he muttered under his breath, popping another raw marshmallow into his mouth.
Grissom cleared his throat, before removing his glasses in order to rub the bridge of his nose. Slowly raising his gaze to look at his colleagues, he quietly said, “‘It was the best of times, it was the worst of times, it was the age of wisdom, it was the age of foolishness, it was the epoch of belief, it was the epoch of incredulity, it was the season of Light, it was the season of Darkness, it was the spring of hope, it was the winter of despair, we had everything before us, we had nothing before us…’”
“…Shakespeare?” Nick asked.
Grissom shook his head no. “Emerson…?” Warrick questioned.
Grissom again shook his head no. “Dr. Seuss?” Greg asked, grinning.
“Uh… no…” Grissom sighed. “It’s—“
“Just kidding…” Greg interrupted. “It was Charles Dickens,” he told everyone with a proud smile. “From a Tale of Two Cities.”
“Very good, Greg,” Grissom replied with a small smile.
“But… I don’t understand how this relates to your greatest fear, Gil…” Catherine quietly said, looking over at her friend and supervisor.
“Simple,” Grissom told her, shrugging. “It describes our team… and the unpredictability of our lives, and…” he trailed off, “My current mental state…”
Sara finally looked up at Grissom, confused. “I don’t… understand…” she whispered.
“‘It was the best of times, it was the worst of times…’” Grissom began. “When Nick got kidnapped,” he quietly said, his words punctuated by the crackle of the fire, “It was the worst of times. I felt… ineffectual, incapable, out of control… not intelligent enough to stop what happened, from actually happening. I… looked around at all of you, and felt unsure of myself, and unsure of what to do… or to say. Sara, you were almost inconsolable. Warrick, you were ready to fly off of the handle at any moment. Catherine, your fear was palpable. Greg, you tried to hold it together, but… you were having a difficult time. And as for myself,” he added, once again rubbing the bridge of his nose, “I felt… vulnerable. Nick, your kidnapping made me realize one thing…”
“What…?” Nick quietly asked.
“That at any moment, I can… lose any one of you. And I am desperately worried that I will be the cause of that happening…”
“But Grissom… if it’s going to happen, it’s going to happen…” Catherine pointed out.
Grissom just sighed, continuing. “‘It was the age of wisdom, it was the age of foolishness…’ I am supposed to be the leader…the guy with all of the answers. I have the most seniority, and… it is my job to keep each and every one of you safe, so that you can return home to your families. I—“
“But Grissom,” Greg interrupted. “No one knows everything…” he quietly said. “Except for Alex Trebeck, maybe…”
“Please, Greg, let me finish…” Grissom told him. “I am supposed to have enough wisdom to be able to save all of you, when in actuality, I myself still have so much to learn...”
“Like… what…?” Greg asked, once again ignoring the glare from Catherine.
“It’s…alright, Catherine,” Grissom quietly sighed, holding up one of his hands to stop her protestation. “Greg, you know how to relax and have fun. I do not. Warrick, you know how to balance your personal life with your work life. I do not. Nick, you know how to persevere against insurmountable odds. I do not. Catherine, you know how to speak with victims, and how to gain their trust. I do not. And Sara,” he continued, “Well…” he trailed off, “You know…”
“Nothing…?” she supplied for him.
“No. You know how to give people multiple chances. I do not,” he sighed.
Catherine raised an eyebrow, confused. What did that mean? Glancing over at Warrick, she shrugged, smiling, as he did the same. Nick continued to hold Sara, his thumb gently brushing against her arm.
Grissom took another deep breath, before continuing. “‘It was the epoch of belief, it was the epoch of incredulity…’ This describes the last could of years of our work lives… we started off working as a team, convinced that we were invincible. We solved crime after crime, without anything major really happening. I believed that things were okay… that nothing could go wrong. But then things started to change. I was almost fired, our team was split up, Nick, you were almost killed, and some of us went through our own personal crises. I went from believing that everything would be okay, to… feeling incredulous at what was taking place around me...”
Sara frowned, staring down at the ground. He’s not even making any sense… personal crises? Who went through those? Oh…does he mean… me…? Sighing, she closed her eyes, trying to burrow into Nick’s arms.
“‘It was the season of Light, it was the season of Darkness, it was the spring of hope, it was the winter of despair…’” Grissom quietly recited, his voice once again rising above the sizzle and pop of the fire. “I… am worried…” he told everyone. “Light and darkness… good and evil…right decisions and wrong decisions… I feel like I am constantly walking this fine line between the different dichotomies, and that at any moment, I will take a wrong step, and do something that will propel us all into a ‘winter of despair.’ Do you know how many decisions I have to make in one day…?” he asked everyone, looking around the fire at their puzzled faces. “What if… I do, or say, something, that inadvertently causes one of you to get hurt?” Or not say, in your case, Sara.
Nick sighed, raising his eyes to meet Grissom’s gaze. “Grissom…” he started to say, before realizing that he didn’t exactly know how to finish his sentence.
“You might be our supervisor, Grissom,” Catherine carefully said, “But you are not solely responsible for our actions… or our safety.”
“We all signed up for this job, knowing what might happen to us…” Greg added.
“I know…” Grissom sighed, staring at the ground. “But… it goes beyond that. The last part is more…personal in nature…’We had everything before us, we had nothing before us…’ I… don’t know how to share my thoughts and feelings…” Grissom slowly said, before swallowing, and looking up at Sara.
Sara opened her eyes, blinking. What did he just say? she asked herself.
Catherine followed Grissom’s gaze to Sara, raising an eyebrow.
“What are you talking about, Grissom…?” Greg asked him, running a hand through his hair. “I don’t… understand…”
”I had the chance to have… everything. I had… everything standing right in front of me, but my…stupidity, and my…inability to act… ripped it all away…” he answered, before looking down at the ground again.
Warrick coughed, clearing his throat. “Uh… Grissom…” he trailed off, not sure what to say. Glancing over at Nick, he rubbed his neck.
He didn’t… he didn’t just say what I think he just said, did he…? Is he…referring to...? Sara once again asked herself, starting to feel a little uncomfortable and confused.
He isn’t… referring to… Sara, right…? Nick thought, glancing down at her in his arms. He doesn’t… have feelings for her… does he…? Why… is he looking at her like that…?
“Grissom…” Catherine started to say.
“No, let me finish,” Grissom replied, once again looking up at everyone. “Dickens aside, I am worried about not being able to express how much each and every one of you actually means to me, before… something happens. If something happens,” he amended. “I am worried that one of you might be kidnapped, or get hurt, or even killed, and that I will not be able to stop it from happening. I am concerned that I might someday miss a clue at a crime scene, or that I might not be able to get through to a suspect, accidentally allowing someone who is detrimental to escape and come back to hurt one of you. I guess most importantly, however,” he sighed, “is that I am… afraid that I will not have the chance to get to know you, or that I won’t even know how to get to know you, if given the opportunity to do so…”
He definitely wasn’t talking about me, right…? Sara again asked herself, still focusing on Grissom’s previous statements. Because Grissom doesn’t have feelings for me…he doesn’t have feelings for anyone… I don’t think… does he…?
“There’s still time, Grissom,” Nick told him, gently rubbing Sara’s arm. “We’re all still here, breathing… although…if Greg takes one more marshmallow, he won’t be breathing for long…” he added, as he noticed Greg take another handful of the gooey treat.
“Hey!” Greg replied with a smile, shoving two of them into his mouth. “They’re good!” he told everyone, grabbing a piece of chocolate and two graham crackers in order to compliment his marshmallows.
Catherine rolled her eyes, turning her attention back to Grissom. “I can… understand what you are feeling, Gil,” she told him, “We all come to work every day, and put our lives on the line for one another. We all… periodically share meals with one another, and we all… care about what happens to one another. Even you,” she added. “Gil… I know that you want to protect us, and I know that you fight for us every single day… although… you’re a bit slow with the paperwork,” she added with a teasing grin, raising an eyebrow at him.
“Sorry…” he quietly replied.
“But I know that when push comes to shove with Ecklie,” she continued, “You are there for us.”
“I know that, too, Gris,” Warrick spoke up. “I respect you, man, and I’m glad that I work graveyard. Don’t get me wrong, Cath,” he added, turning to his former supervisor. “I loved working with you and Nick, but… I started to miss the camaraderie of nights. Greg’s stupid jokes, Sara’s insane thoroughness, and you, Grissom,” he concluded.
“That goes triple for me,” Greg jumped in. “I’ve wanted to make you proud of me for the longest time, Grissom,” he said, shrugging his shoulders. “I know that you care about all of us… you love your job, and you put a lot of your effort into it, but a rare smile from you, or a ‘job well done,’ means a lot to me. And it wouldn’t matter at all, if I thought that you disliked me…”
Grissom nodded, throwing a look in Sara’s direction. She was the only one who still had yet to say something.
Sara, however, her eyes tightly shut, remained quiet. Why now…? Why in front of everyone…? she thought to herself, lost in her own world.
“Thank you for all of your comments…” Grissom finally said. “Listen, I don’t know about all of you, but…I’m tired. How about we get some sleep…? Tomorrow will be a very busy day…” he quietly added.
“Why?” Greg asked. “What do you have planned for us?”
“Repelling,” Grissom told him, standing up.
“You’re not… serious, right…?” Catherine quickly asked, looking up at him.
“When am I ever not serious, Catherine?” he asked with a smile. “So tomorrow we do a little repelling, and—”
“And some swimming?” Greg hopefully asked.
“And some swimming,” Grissom smiled. “And… some more talking.”
Nick groaned. “About what…?” he hesitantly asked.
“Your hopes and dreams for the future,” Grissom simply replied. “Alright. We have three tents. Who’s bunking with whom…?” he asked, glancing around the fire.
“Sara and I are together,” Catherine quickly said, walking to the larger of the three tents. With a sigh, Sara stood up, following her.
Grissom headed over to the middle tent, walking in.
“Rock, paper, scissors?” Greg suggested to Nick and Warrick, grinning.
“No, Greggo,” Nick replied with a smile. “He snores. You’re the newest. You’re sharing a tent with Grissom. Good night!” he added, slapping the younger CSI on the back.
“Hey! That’s not fair!” Greg told him. “Come on…pick a number? Draw straws?”
“Goodnight, Greg,” Warrick grinned, following Nick to the tent on the end.
With a sigh, Greg grabbed a sleeping bag, turning in for the night.