The Rant and I Cannot Say This Out Loud #3

Poor E... many big hugs from me for you

To myself:
What do you do when people have high expectations from you??? You talk them down... you don't get anything right and you're simple and easy a failure... but is it really like that??? I mean there must be something you're good at... Something in you must give the people the feeling you can do it otherwise they wouldn't have those unique expectations from you. But why is it always so hard to have a little faith in yourself???

Damn get your butt moving... you've a mission, giving your best and not disappointing the people who actually think you can do something right!!!

 

Dear Notebook,

how can you do that to me??? You've been my one and only for the last year... and now you're abandoning me that hard... damn I need to send this fic in tonight and you simply erase the whole document... are you insane??? :brickwall: Damn how should get that done till tonight??? My day has also only 24 hours... damn, damn, damn...

Well at least internet is still working and my Word too, so maybe it isn't as bad... but I'm still mad at you!!! And then I need to be gentle because I NEED you... seems like the last days weren't my days... Hopefully this changes soon...

 

Well let's see..

Corporation loses paperwork indicating I'm legally in financial straits uhhh..eight years ago. Corporation hires lawyer to go after me. I call lawyer and he tells me to send proper paperwork to him. I do so.

Drug dealer complains about ME to landlord. Landlord tells me to mind my own business. I tell her drug dealer needs to leave so public domain is safe for offspring.

Landlord loses paperwork for the third time, must submit paperwork AGAIN.

And I'm the one without a job!? I certainly couldn't do any worse then the losers who I have to deal with.

 

This is long and I tried not to swear but I'm pissed off and mad.

You know how hard it was for me to not hit you or shove you or swear at you tonight? You have no idea. You're lucky too because you may be a guy but I'm way bigger than you. You also have no idea how close I came to taking every one of those beer bottles and smashing them in the middle of our driveway. Or how close I came to packing up some stuff and calling up a friend or relative. I do hate you. Sorry to say, especially when you're someone I should love. I can't lie about that anymore, even to you. I DESPISE you and if you left I wouldn't miss you one bit. Sure we'd have some trouble at first with money but we'd pull through and be WAY better off without you. I'm tired of how you make my mom feel. She does EVERYTHING. What do you do? You work, come home, and drink and drink and you're drunk by 6 o' clock. We can't count on you for ANYTHING. We can't count on you to drive us to Port Colborne on Saturday because on Saturday when it's your day off you're drunk by 12, maybe 2 if we're lucky. You can't drive us to Wal-Mart that's 20 minutes away without complaining your ass off. And when we fight you go on and on about how you put a roof over our head. That may be true but you know what? Without Mom we wouldn't have anything to put in the house. She pays for everything from the mere 40 dollars you give her every two weeks. Is a marriage really supposed to work like that? Is the husband supposed to give the wife a fucking allowance or lend her some money and she pays it back? I don't think so. I always thought in a marriage if one of you needed money you GAVE it to them, you didn't fucking lend it and expect payback. But oh right, you need to buy your 12 pack every two days right? Not to mention your cigarettes. Both of which cost a lot of money and you get almost every day. Yet we have chicken for dinner and you come home from drinking with your friends and you see that one of us didn't eat all of our chicken? So you start to go on a rant and when mom tells you she tried to eat it and it was hard you have to fucking call her a liar and say it's bullshit? WHY THE FUCK WOULD SHE NOT EAT IT IF IT WAS GOOD?! And then after this HUGE fight you have the fucking nerve to come upstairs and try to fucking apologize to me? FUCK YOU. Seriously. You expect me to forgive you because you decide to be nice for five fucking minutes to get in your apology?

I just want you to leave, or for us to leave you. That's all I want. I know a lot of people who when I actually let this one detail of my life that they don't know out, say I'm crazy and I'm lucky my parents are still together. They see my dad as this awesome guy who does everything for everyone. That's true for everyone but my family. No one sees that we're all miserable with him.

 

I wish there was a time in my life where everything was going well for me. My daughter wasn't being sullen; one or more of my friends weren't mad at me; I wasn't being hassled over money or paper work.

I wish I didn't have to go through this all alone.

I wish when I'm being hit on by a guy he didn't balk at the term-kid!

Will things ever get better for me?

 

*hugs* luf, hope it gets better for you!

To life, in general: you confuse me. I always say to people that I live my life the way it directs me. I always feel what to do, and whenever I have come to big decisions in my life I always choose the right thing and have never regretted anything. I don't want to be disappointed in myself, in my decision for my whole future. Now I'm confused and for the first time of my life I have no clue of what do to, where to go. Two weeks ago I thought that that problem was either a difficulty to solve or a sign to move on in another direction, but you solved it easily, and I thought this is the what I'm supposed to choose. But today when I read that article...I felt it was all about me. It's my future life and career, please don't confuse me even more!

thanks for who made this rant thread, it's good to know that I don't have to keep all my thoughts to myself

 

Dear Friend,

You will never know how you've broken my heart.

I hope that between now and your appointment tomorrow you change your mind. Love is not finite. Love is a living thing that grows exponentially. The more love you give, the more love you have in you to give.

I grieve for you, your fiance and your baby. I'll be here for you when you get back. You won't know how broken I am this week. I'll put myself back together so that you can fall apart yourself, as you said you would do. I'm here for you.

I'm glad your sister is there with you so you are not alone. I'll keep my phone by my side.

I love you. Truly.

E.

 

Big, big hugs E. I'm so sad to hear that

To the "great" referee from today:
You did an "awesome" job, really. It's normal that you oversee a penalty and it's also normal that you referee one against us, even nothing happened... you're human....
... but if you do something, do it right!!! Damn, I know my team wasn't the home team but do you really need to referee that obviously against us??? Damn you, I know where you've parked your car :devil:

And for my girls:
Don't worry, those arrogant b****es will be our guests soon and then we'll show them that they can't f*ck with us!!! We never have a referee who referees for us but we can beat them just with our skills

 

Big hugs E. I am here for you, to pick up some of the pieces if you need me to.

I feel as such an ass, as in a horse's ass..Just by being lead along and not being able to stand up for myself. And for being lead behind the light and then to find out my friends have known all along but been told specifically not to tell me? WTF? So I let the two of you just work it out and then we'll see where we'll end up.

I put so much trust in the two of you and I open up to the both of you and this is the trust I get back? I am just so peeved off at the two of you that I am about to implode! But I still love you so much it hurts and I can't bleeding tell either of you.

/L

 

To the advisor in the academics office today:

You don't listen very well to the students who come to you needing help planning their schedule do you? You asked if there were any classes that I might be interested in taking to test out if I'd like a certain major or not. I replied that I would like to try an accounting class. An accounting class. As in one of them. Instead you decide to plan out my entire schedule as if I'm an accounting major, with a business emphasis. I don't recall ever saying that, or even expressing interest in that. I don't want a bunch of business classes when I don't have to take them. I simply wanted one basic accounting class to see if that was something I'd like or not, then we could revisit the idea of business classes. Did you fail to notice the looks of "What?!?" on my face as you were writing all of this down? Or wonder why I left to "look over the schedule before I register" even after I'd said I was there for the sole purpose of registering for classes? Next time, listen to what the student wants and not just what you want to hear.

 

To [the person]:

STOP TREATING ME LIKE A CHILD!!!!!!!!!

That is all.

 

To my co-worker:

First let's get this straight. Just because you haven't seen me around work since you got hired does not mean that I am new. Does the fact that people work different hours than you do ever cross your mind? Honestly to go around asking people if I am new and then reacting to the funny looks they gave you was a good laugh for me. And no I do not have to explain to you why I am working different hours than I was because honestly you are sticking your nose too far into things you do no need to know. Which leads to another part of a rant...also about you.

Please do no assume that because I have a scrape on my right arm that I am a cutter. I throw empty boxes around and dig though other boxes when I'm stocking or other things. Heck you didn't comment on the scar I have from the safety box cutter(yea safety is supposed to be the key word...but that's another story in itself) only that I have scrapes from boxes. Honestly do you think that going around telling people who have worked with for varying times of 1-5 years that they will believe the lie about me trying to harm myself? I suggest that you clam up or I'm going to have a chat with the GM about your lack of respect for your co-workers. Something the new owners are huge fans of.

 

I am so sick of these f***ing exam.
To S: you are sitting right in front of me and i'm so annoyed with you. Just leave me alone. i love you to bits but when it comes to exams and revision you are so irritating. i don't know how i'm going to be able to live with you next year.