I'm Sorry That You Love Me- GSR fic

I'm evil, pure evil I know. :devil: But you don't know yet so.... But anyway, I'm stoked that you guys are so excited, and I love writing...haha I feel so horrible putting you guys off like this where I keep talking to myself about things coming up you don't know about yet and laughing at you because I know the reaction you're going to have. Haha, I'm sick, I need my meds :rolleyes:, just kidding! But, really, I'm so excited and ecstatic that you're hanging. And CSI_Trainee, I laughed so hard on your reply that I fell out of my chair :eek:. And glad to have a new follower! Welcome aboard the very, very long ride grssom89. And without further ado...

~Ash

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And We're Back to Square One - Chapter 12

Tears were welling up in her eyes, it was really happening. Thankfulness and pure raw relief welled up and she began sobbing, knowing it would be alright. Sara wiped her eye as she held Grissom's hand, still moving, but wait...it didn't feel right. It was trembling, as if... Her eyes darted from his face, scanning down his body and noticed the monitors next to the bed. Lurching out of the chair, she slammed the emergency nurse's button on the wall and screamed. "HELP! HELP!" No, he wasn't waking up at all, not even close. He was going into convulsions, his pulse decreasing rapidly. His hands shook as did his arms, his whole body started to shake. The nurses and the doctor from before burst into the room. Doctor Richardson took a single glance at Grissom before yelling at the top of his lungs into the hallway, "I need paddles in here, NOW!"

At this the pulse dropped completely, Sara screaming matching the screeching absence of pulse. Her sobbing body was eased into the hallway by a nurse, he words drawling out with her. "Nooo, Grissom no!" She pulled away from the nurse, the high pitched scream of the monitor ringing out as she heard the paddles being charged. She braced herself against the wall, hands holding her out, disheveled brown hair everywhere, face a tearing mess.

"Charging to 180! Clear!" Shaking of metal, scream of monitor, his body lurching and hitting the bed again. She sobbed, forming her open palms into fists, her forehead against the wall.

"Charging to 230! Clear!" Same sounds as before, her body shaking and completely against the wall, turning around with her back to the wall.

"Charging to 360! Clear!" Same. No result. Slowly easing down to the floor, head pressed hard against the wall. "Recharging to 360! Clear!" The lurching was heard again, even Sara heard it through her sobbing, along with the faint, barely there pulse echoing into the hallway.

"No, no, no. Don't do this to me, Gil." The nurse gently grabbed her hands, pulling the broken woman's body and soul to a standing position again as Sara turned back to the room, the paddles wheeling out and the line of nurses filing out. After the last in line, she shuffled slow as ever into the room, Grissom as pale as ever lying in the bed, limper than ever, as if he was a doll. Doctor Richardson, the man from before stood at his bedside, hands clasped on the back of his head, staring down at Grissom, a truly solemn look plastered on his face.

Dropping his hands and facing Sara now, she quietly, lightly padded over to him and, unrestrained, wrapped her arms around him, sobbing quietly again as he returned the hug, out of pity. "Doctor, you said that if I needed anything, to ask you. I do need something." He nodded as she pulled back, wiping her eyes, her arms now wrapped tightly around herself. "I need him, alive. I know you can't promise anything, but it's what I need." He nodded quietly, and walked past her and out of the room.

Her vision clearing slightly, she noticed a dark door, closed, with no window on one wall. Curious, she walked over to it and gently pulled it open. Fresh, cool air hit her face as she realized their room had a veranda. Taking a look back at Grissom, she picked up the light side table outside and used it to prop open the door, so she would still be there for him.

By now it should be blistering hot, but it was cloudy, overcast, dark heavy clouds hanging over the city of sins. "But what sins did either me or him commit for such a hideous fate? What did we ever do against another to bring upon ourselves such a cruel punishment?" she wondered out loud, softly of course, as she laid her legs out on one of the lounge chairs. She noticed the concrete wall went up to about four and a half feet, then continued as a tough, steel wire enclosure for another four and a half feet and coming back to the exterior wall to make a roof, a heavy, nice, plastic tarp as a shade. "They even prepared for me. They made sure I couldn't jump." She chuckled, tears still falling down her face as she laid there, still, ears listening only to the slight beeping from inside as the humid breeze caressed her face in a plight of empathy.
 
I don't think anyone of us wants Griss to die, but you know, an author is God, I still haven't decided ya' know... But anyway, thanks for all of the great feed back, it helps me see what style you guys like and what keeps you interested. So now, a new chapter.

~Ash
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Salted Rain - Chapter 13

"Aww, damn no!" He ran, fast as he could and doing his best to run between the raindrops. The motion activated doors opened as he stepped inside, hair dripping wet, jacket and the bottom of his black jeans soaked, along with those Timberland work boots. He sighed, wiping the droplets of rain from his face and shuddered at the a/c blowing heavily over him. Walking forward, he moved through the hospital, to the elevators, and up to the third floor to a sign that read, 'Floor 3 - INTENSIVE CARE UNIT'. Strolling slowly forward, he quickly found the nurses' station, conveniently across from his destination.

"Yes, how can I help you?" The young nurse looked up at him, returning to her typing.

"I'm here to visit Gil Grissom." She stopped.

"Name?"
"Nick Stokes."
"A.K.A. Nicky?"
"Yeah." He rubbed the back of his neck as a small smile crept across her face and he felt the soft heat of embarassment rising into his cheeks.

"Go right ahead. Sara's out on the veranda." He nodded, turning around and proceeded into the room. It was breezy, and he heard the soft pitter patter of rain from an open doorway. Softly closing the door he heard a shifting of plastic on concrete outside the door. Proceeding gently, Nick saw Sara sitting on a lounge chair, staring blankly out over the strip. Her hair was wet and so was the front of her gown.

"Sara, hon, it's raining. How 'bout we go inside?" She shook her head, barely, but still a strong, defiant 'no'. "Sara, you're gonna catch a cold."

"I don't give a damn what happens now. I can't live without him. He went into convulsions about an hour ago Nicky. He's getting worse. And he's only in a medically induced coma, so he'll only be in pain and die anyway."

He was shocked, purely apalled to hear her say this about the man she loved, the man who wanted to kill himself for thinking he killed her, the very man who needed her inside. But he knew she didn't mean it, she instantly covered her face and chest heaved with sobs as Nick slowly sat down next to her on the chair. Feeling the same remorse, he slowly wrapped his arms around her, holding her in an embrace and rocking her.

"Nick, Nick I don't want him to go. I can't let him go. It's all because of Ecklie. Grissom has a temper sometimes and Ecklie just pushed the right buttons. Grissom doesn't deserve this, not after everything else he's gone through today."

"Shhh, Sara, shhh, it'll be alright. Remember, this is Grissom we are talking about here. He's invincible, strong, apathetic, well until today that is. But that's good, because you brought him to life, you pulled that special pleasure back into that we used to see. Remember when we were all planning Lindsey's party the first year you were here?" She slowly nodded her head, listening. "The Grissom that was going ballistic and off the walls over a chem set for a little girl is the Grissom you've unveiled, the Grissom he wants to be, but was afraid to. He's gonna make it okay? Don't say he won't because he will, I know he will..."

He was choking, everything coming full circle as he remembered how he felt worthless when he was buried. He was ashamed that he let himself be taken. We was afraid he brought shame to the lab and ruined all the work Grissom put into bringing the lab to second in the country. But above all, he thought he let Grissom down. His heart ached when he was envisioning his autopsy, fearing that Grissom wouldn't even attend it because he was so ashamed, deeper than everyone else, that he died. He was terrified that his life, career, and death would pass by his boss and mentor like nothing.

"I always tried to do my best, to make Grissom acknowledge me, to tell me I was doing everything right, and...and I just wanted to hear he was pround of me. I felt average, and when I was buried, I felt as if I didn't do enough and that I was useless enough to be let go."

Sara placed a hand over his mouth, silencing him. "You know he never doubted you and that he was proud to have you as a CSI, and he knows how you felt, he knows." She hugged him again, both of them crying as the wind and rain pelted them through the wire.

"Come on, you're gonna have to stay in this place even longer if you don't get inside." She nodded and she got up and walked just inside the room before turning around to see Nick standing, hands up against the wire.

"Nick?" He turned quickly, fearing something was wrong.
"Yeah?"
"You coming?"
"Yeah, just a second. I think I'm going to talk to Grissom from out here, is that okay?"
"Uh-huh." They nodded to each other as Sara disappeared from sight. Slowly returning to the lounge, he eased down onto it and rested his head in his hands, elbows on his knees.

"Grissom, I need you. You've saved my life before, and now I feel that I need to repay my dues. I can't let you leave us, I can't. Any way, any way at all that I can help, that I can accomplish, anything you didn't get done you need to be settled. Just, I need a sign." The tears fell soft, collecting in his cupped palms as he hid his weeping face from no one, when he heard the steady thundering of rain stop, or at least slow.

Head raising, he looked between the wire to see the rain slowing, a single ray of sunlight skimming his cheek. Standing up, intriguied, Nick moved from the path of the light to see it casting a soft glow upon her face. "Thank you." he whispered, taking his sign and taking it, walking from the veranda and out of the room, wiping a tear of renewed hope from his eye as he trekked a river of water behind him.
 
I was just crusing the fanfiction thread and happened upon this. I have to say, at first I was indifferent to the GSR , but now reading, I can say, I am addicted. I loved how you captured everyone's emotions and even Hodges' refusal to come see his boss( for some reason, that stuck with me).

You are an awesome writer! Now, there's only one question, where are the pitchforks? :lol:

Oh, and one more question, well, more like a statement, what is Nicky thinking to do?

Great job!!!
 
I'm so sorry that I haven't posted lately, but I will make up for it today, for I will not sleep until I post AT LEAST 4 more chapters, including this one. I'm glad all of you are enjoying this and I absolutely am relying on the feedback to determine my next chapters since I'm doing this the indifferent way...writing it by ear. Just remember that anything's game.... Glad to have a new trekker, speedfanatic05 and I feel incredible that I could change your feelings someway just with this. I am so completely relieved to hear I'm catching the characters' well, character, well. I was soooo worried that I was completely butchering them and shaming myself, yata yata! So onto the next chapter!

~Ash
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Weighted Memories - Chapter 14

He couldn't move, frozen in fear. When he saw his boss hours earlier, he couldn't believe that was the very same man who had watched over him, mentored him, passed him against all odds to move into the field. Greg Sanders was just terrified of losing someone that treated him so much like a father, and he respected him as one. Shaking his head slightly, full of woes, he stood sorely and proceeded forward down the hall to the dreaded room he had visited earlier. His breath began to shake, and he slowly walked through the door to face a serene Sara and, as expected, unconscious Gil. "Hey Sara, how ya' doin?" He forcibly placed a smile on his face, for her sake, and yet the normal Greggo perkiness was absent. Anyone who remotely knew him could spot that, let alone Sara.

"I'm okay, Greggo. You don't sound like your normal self, ha, none of us do." She sighed and took Greg's hand comfortingly, starting to settle into the fact that if he couldn't make it, if he wasn't as strong as they willed, then it would be alright. He shook his head in solemn agreement, sitting in a chair at Sara's side.

"Sara, I - I don't know what I'll do if Grissom leaves. I mean, he's always been there, hammering and tempermental at points yeah, but he still always lead me in the right direction. He's always leant a comforting hand and word of advice and," he chuckled, remembering all of those silly comments he made, "the way he would look at me if he just didn't want to know where I came up with something was just hilarious, just Grissom. But, when we were hurt in the explosion, he - he was there, made sure I was alright. I remember seeing it about to explode a split second before and then... it just hit. I can't forget how much scrutiny he forced upon me when I was trying to become a CSI, and I tried my hardest, nervous all the time, to fufill my duties and maybe crack a smile. I mean, I'm the youthful, wise-crack little brother of the group, and I wanted to prove myself to all, but especially him. Not to mention he did control whether or not I passed." He passed a small smile over to Sara who was listening, as she had been all day, to the reactions of everyone else around her.

"I know, Greggo, we'll all miss him. Some of us more extreme than others, and some of us in other ways. But we all loved him, some for the intellect, some for the occasional empathy, some for the - the soft smile he sometimes cast which lit up his usually darkened face..." She trailed, realizing she was describing every single reason she missed him, even when there was still hope.

"You know what, Sara?"
"What, Greg?"
"I think he's been watching over all of us for his entire life, including now. I think he misses us too." Bending down and lending a hug, he embraced Sara like a frightened child in a mother's arms. "I really miss him."
"I do, too, Greg. More than he'll ever know."
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Labs - Grissom's Office

Nick silently closed the door to Grissom's empty office, the creepy lights still displayed upon his pickled trophies. He had to gulp to keep the nausea down, just as any other time, but he proceeded further until he reached his desk. Taking a deep breath, he ran his country calloused hand across the length of the dark wood desk, a slate of clear glass placed over the main piece. Rounding to where Grissom would sit, wait where Grissom would sit. He nervously, uncomfortably eased himself down into Grissom's chair as him mind screamed at him that he shouldn't even be doing this.

'You shouldn't be doing this!'
'I know, but I need to search.'
'You're invading his privacy!'
'I'm searching for something to crack the sign.'
'Your searching is scathing his memory!'
'He's not dead!'
'He will be in a few hours!'
'No he won't! Grissom can't! And this is for him, he told me himself!'
'A simple ray of sunshine doesn't prove anything!'
'I'm desperate, anything coincidental will do!'
'You're sitting in his chair!'
'I'm quite aware of that, now I need to do this.' "What am I looking for?"

He murmured quietly, so quiet as not to make a noise and alert anyone else in the labs. Taking another deep breath and momentarily ceasing the war in his head, he whispered, "Well, here we go." and eased open the top drawer. Digging systematically through, nothing seemed out of place or unordinary. Blank evaluation forms, crime scene sketch paper, notebook paper, a pile of small questioning notebooks, etc. Moving on to the middle drawer, hope was fading, quickly. A contacts box filled with index cards with everyone's phone numbers, addresses, history of progression, training, etc. Next to that was The Expert's Guide To Entomology. Stifling a full-on-rolling-on-the-floor-in-stitches laughter, he couldn't help but chuckling as he thought of Grissom sitting in this very seat as he studied it furtively. "Grissom's bible, that man is just too funny." Placing the well conditioned book back in its place he closed the drawer and sighed, reaching out to open the last drawer. But it had a key place for that drawer, and just as Nick suspected, as he tugged roughly at the drawer, it wouldn't budge. But knowing Grissom to be Grissom, Nick pulled out a ring of keys and couldn't help but beat himself up over this as the war flamed again.

'Now you're in for it! It's locked for a reason!'
'I know! I feel horrible enough as it is!'
'Then don't do it!'
'Fine I - Hey wait! Nuh uh, I'm doing this! He showed me that something has to be done for, about, to, around, involving Sara! I have to do it! I asked for it, I got it, and now it has to go full circle and I need to return and complete it!' Shaking his head, he placed in the third to last of many, many keys Nick had been trying for the lock when it clicked. Gulping again, he pulled gently on the drawer to see it easily sliding open. But what was there to hide? Flipping through, there were case files, photos of ongoing cases, interview tapes, but what was so important that Grissom had to secure it?! Placing everything back in the drawer, he noticed a bulky manilla folder, untitled, unlike the others.

"What the-?" Carefully pulling the prongs together and lifting the seal up, he gasped as he pulled out the papers. Right on top was a picture of Grissom leaning against his Tahoe, with a beautiful young woman next to him, his arms wrapped around her waist. This was certainly some years ago, as his hair was more brown than grey and white, his eyes held a fresh luster to them, and his smile was genuine, face clean shaven. You couldn't mistake him for anyone else in the world. But this woman, who was she? Dark brown, long hair held back in a ponytail as she held her arms around his shoulders gently. Her bright white teeth were straight, all but a small crooked space in between the two front, top teeth. Her eyes was what Nicky came to next, and at this he sucked in a great amount of air, not enought oxygen being supplied to his brain as it all raced to his heart in shock. Those chocolate brown eyes of the twenty-something woman in the picture were those of the now thirty-something Sara Sidle.
 
Okay, okay, I know I said I would have four chapters but, obviously that didn't happen. And I know you've been waiting patiently for a new chapter and I'm really sorry it's short and it took so long to post, but despite, I hope you still enjoy!
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A Life for A Life - Chapter 15

She awoke, startled by something, yet not quite sure as to what. Everything flooding back to her, she remembered that Brass was supposed to come around quarter of seven. It was now 7:30, two and a half hours left. "That's strange, he's usually on time to everything." Reaching over laborously, she gently grabbed her cell phone, and started down the contacts list. The buzzing rang once, twice..."Brown."

"Hey, Warrick. You haven't heard from Jim have you?"
"Nope, sorry."
"Kay, thanks." Hanging up she scrolled to the next name on the list. As the ringing persisted, she silently prodded her mind. 'All right, all right, he's fine. There's plenty more people to check.'

"Willows."
"Cath, have you seen Jim?"
"No, I haven't."
"Okay, thanks."
Ring, ring, ri-
"Stokes."
"Nicky, you haven't seen Jim around have you?"
"Yeah, actually he was sitting in his office the last I knew. But he left at half past six, I guess to come visit you and Gris."
"Hmm, okay, tha- Hey why are you at the labs?"
"Ummm, I couldn't stop thinking about Gris, had to get my brain off it."
"I understand, wish I could do the same."
"It'll be all right, Sar."
"I know, thanks Nicky."
"No prob." She sighed and moved down her contacts list before going to hit Grissom's link, but she caught herself, shook her head, and moved on. Just about as she was going to call Brass herself, through the door a very rushed looking Jim Brass walked through.

"Sorry. I - I was trying to think and...and I guess I lost track of time. How...how's he doing?" Sara sharply inhaled, remembering that in a matter of two hours he would cease to live.
"Uhh, he - he went into convulsions right before Nick came, they said he's not improving much and the plan's still on." Brass nodded, hands dug deep into his slacks pockets before heavily easing into a chair next to Sara."

"I was thinking, a lot, about when I was shot. Grissom, he was there. He - he even got Ellie to come see me. I remember when Holly Gribbs was shot, and I was moved back to homicide. In a way, I'm sort of glad, and I've seen how much effort Grissom puts into this, it's his life. He's brought us all together even closer than what I would have ever been able to do as a supervisor, and moving back made me see just how much of an ass I really was." A small grin shadowed his lips, his eyes fixated on some object over Sara's right shoulder, keeping focus. "I just wanted to come and let him know how much I really did appreciate and respect him. I...I'll miss him."

It wasn't a complicated good bye filled with tears and hugs and striving for comfort, but subtle and yet more personal than any other approach the rest of the team had taken. It was hidden to Sara, but most likely clear as day to Grissom. At this, Brass forced a horribly distorted smile of deepened sorrow onto his face and rose from his seat, squeezing Sara's hand tightly, and walked over to Grissom's bed. She watched him softly pat the unmoving hand next to Grissom's side and whisper something, inaudible to her ears, and headed out of the room as quickly as he came.
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Labs- Grissom's Office

For a while now, Nick had been pouring over the handful of photographs, little tokens like a rose petal or a calligraphed copy of something pertaining to Robert Frost. It was so bewildering, to see this younger, more vibrant, more alive Grissom that lay in a bed half-way across the city. That's when something caught his eye in the bag of Grissom's personal effects from pockets of what he had on him before the stabbing. A small, deep navy velt box sat in the bottom of the bag. "No way, it couldn't be," he whispered, trying to assure himself that what he thought was in that elegant box was not...

A delicate silver ring with a circle-shaped opal in the middle with tiny diamonds encrusted around it. This was the real thing. Grissom really did have a fling for Sara, and he was going to ask her to marry him?! Eventually?! Apparently so, because a masculine silver ring with a gold band in the middle laid in the bag, apparently loose in his pocket. And suddenly, it all seemed so clear to him. Grissom wanted Sara to...
 
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