Wow! :wtf: I can't wait to get through this entire thread!!! :thumbsup: I've been watching CSI for several years, but I only just started jotting down all the funny one-liners from the show recently, so I don't have that many. My favorite one-liner is in my sig. Here are the rest I managed to collect (sorry if some have been said already - I haven't had a chance to read this whole thread yet).
Gil Grissom: I can't tell whether he's brilliant or nuts.
Captain Jim Brass: Sound familiar?
[after telling Grissom something that he already knows.]
Greg Sanders: I guess I should stop trying to impress you.
Grissom:
That would impress me.
[Grissom admits to a mistake]
Nick Stokes: It's just that most people don't admit to being wrong.
Grissom: I'm wrong all the time. It's how I get to "
right".
Grissom: A Harvard professor conducted an experiment. Asked a bunch of students to watch a basketball game - count the number of times the ball was passed.
Brass: Yeah? Groundbreaking.
Grissom: During the game a person dressed in a gorilla suit ran across the court. Afterward, the professor asked the students if they noticed the gorilla. Fifty percent responded, "what gorilla?"
Brass: That's wonderful, Gil. If I see a gorilla, I'll arrest it.
Sara Sidle: Is there truly no place left in Las Vegas without slot machines?
Grissom: He's wearing a wig... and a fat suit. Is it Samhain?
Catherine Willows: In
this town, it's
always Samhain.
Lawyer: You took your clothes off for a living?
Willows: For a
very good living.
Robbins: Hand me that foot, would you?
Grissom: Are we paying you by the word?
Grissom: Sometimes I can be a little thoughtless.
Willows: I wouldn't say that. Not just
any guy would walk a girl to the morgue.
Grissom: What you do on your time is your business. What you do on
my time is
my business.
[after Greg kicks him out of the lab]
Brown: Did you take your medication today?
Greg: All work and no play makes Greg a dull boy.
Grissom: All play and no work makes Greg an
unemployed boy.
Grissom: Amazing how the sight of blood can clear a room.
Stokes: There's a sucker born every minute.
Grissom: Yeah, and they all come to Vegas.
[after she has fallen onto the victims' blood]
Willows: Don't touch me - I'm evidence.
[to Grissom upon seeing a bug]
Willows: Hey, look at that… your six-legged soul mate.
Sidle: You made my pickle into a light bulb?
[to a recalcitrant suspect]
Brass: Newsflash. You can't make a deal if you keep your mouth shut.
Sidle: So what is it?
Hodges: Give me some time, I'm not a miracle worker.
Sidle: Well, that's obvious, Hodges, or else you wouldn't be rude.
Hodges: I wasn't being rude, I was being curt. Rude would be "When I know, you'll know." Friends?
Sidle: No.
Greg: Hey Catherine, you think Sara would go to dinner with me?
Willows: Sure, as long as you don't tell her it's a date.
Grissom: Most mammals only copulate seasonally.
Willows: How boring.
Brass: What are you doing after work?
Grissom: More work.
[trying to pick an uninterested Catherine up for dinner]
Chris Bezich: So, what are you in the mood for?
Willows: Room service.
Brass: [to a suspect] Nice stare. Too bad it doesn't work on me. Keep it though - they'll love it in prison.
[talking to a suspect about a broken mirror at the crime scene]
Sidle: You know that's seven years bad luck.
Brass: More like seven to ten.
Brass: [an accused perp bends over to be searched] You better save that position for later, you'll need it where you're going.
Grissom: My bugs are my babies, my children.
Lieutenant: Dave, drop your donut! You're gonna be
earning your pay today.
Stokes: [to a suspect with a cut on his forehead] Did you cut yourself shaving or were you just thinking too hard?
[Dr. Robbins has received a human head in the mail; Grissom walks into the room]
Grissom: I heard you got some head.
Greg: I am a genius.
Warrick Brown: Let me guess, you ran the DNA and got a hit?
Greg: No.
Grissom: You ran the DNA and something distinctive came up?
Greg: No.
Warrick: You rolled out of bed and managed to dress yourself?
Willows: Hey, you.
Warrick: Hey.
Willows: How uh... are you holding up?
Warrick: I'm fine.
Willows: You sure?
Brown: Yeah.
Willows: ...you're in the women's bathroom.
[Julian Harper, a movie star, is found dead of a drug overdose]
Stokes: Julian Harper? Isn't he supposed to be the next Brad Pitt?
Warrick: Yeah. Now, he's the next River Phoenix.
Warrick: Who brings a gun to a knife fight?
Grissom: The winner?
Grissom: I tend not to believe people - they lie. The evidence
never lies.
Suspect: What about me? I’m out $350.
Jim Brass: You’ll live.
[same conversation, a bit later.]
Suspect: Is there a reward?
Jim Brass: Shut up.
Construction worker: These casinos weren’t built by saints, you know.
Catherine Willows: I know. My dad built this one.
[Brass is interrogating a very religious suspect]
Jim Brass: If you think I’m gonna believe
that, you have a lot more faith than I thought.
[same conversation, a bit later.]
Jim Brass: Enough with the Sunday school bull.
Suspect: Don’t I get a reward?
Jim Brass: Yeah… you get to leave.
Jim Brass: An “innocent man”. Jail's
full of 'em.
Jim Brass: I hate going out to lunch with you CSI’s. You notice
everything.
Jim Brass: On behalf of the State of Nevada, my apologies. You've been cleared of all charges.
Criminal: It took
three of you to tell me that?
Jim Brass: But ... on behalf of the State of Texas you're under arrest. You're being extradited for the murder of Lana Grimshaw.
Jim Brass: You know between you and me, as long as I've been on the job I still don't like touching dead bodies.
Warrick Brown: Well, that's why you got the badge and I got the syringe.
Jim Brass: [regarding a husband and wife murder case] Haven't these people ever heard of divorce?
Jim Brass: Were there any disturbances last night? Did you hear screams?
Lady Heather: [dominatrix, who runs a sex business out of a house] It's when I
don't hear screams that I start to worry.
Jim Brass: Well, then can you tell us what time Mona got off?
Lady Heather: [dominatrix, who runs a sex business out of a house] Knowing Mona, every couple of hours. She enjoyed her work.
Jim Brass: [investigating a murder at a strip club] Never underestimate the power of the ass.
Nick Stokes: Crime scene at a funeral… can’t get any deader than this.
Sara Sidle: [meeting Catherine Willows for the first time] Do you know where I can find Catherine Willows?
Catherine Willows: She’s out in the field.
[…. During the same conversation…]
Catherine Willows: Sara Sidle?
Sara Sidle: I know who
I am – I think
you’re a little confused.
Suspect: How can I help you?
Grissom: I’d like to give you a pedicure.
Sidle: Gruesome, Grissom.
Grissom: [to Catherine about his pet tarantula] You scared him – all his hairs are standing up.
Stokes: What did you find out?
Willows: Heavy on BS; zippo on truth.
Grissom: [to a glib suspect] YOU THINK WE CAME ALL THE WAY OUT HERE TO BUST YOU FOR POSSESSION, YOU DUMB PUNK?!
Grissom: Relationship? I hardly know the woman.
Willows: Oh, so I guess that dopey look in your eye when she’s around is just that.
Sidle: This is the vagina – and it
does tell a monologue.
Willows: Who’s this?
Brass: Mr. Braun’s squeeze… she’s an ex-stripper too. Perhaps you two met in a professional capacity.
[Greg refuses to share his expensive, special coffee despite the fact that he’s making it at the office.]
Grissom: [his boss, who pours the coffee anyway] You’re using
my water, so I guess that makes it
community coffee. Want a cup, Nick?
Greg: Did I tell you I used to live in New York?
Grissom: Is this gonna be a short story or a novel?
Stokes: It’s easier to get a Master’s degree than a parking spot on campus.
[An autopsy reveals non-nutritive substances in a victim’s suspect. You must know what pica is to get this one.]
Grissom: [making a conjecture] Pica?
Doc: Boo?
