MrsGiovinazzo
CSI Level Three
As most of you are aware, Jkladis claims to have followed his heart to LA this past summer to pursue his one true love -- Carmine. However, he also claims to have had Carmine's love child, so I take everything he says with a grain of salt. When he posted that he had taken up residence in Carmine's bushes, I didn't buy that for a second and openly called his location into question. I also vigorously opposed his claim of sole ownership of Carmine. Sharing the Italian Stallion is essential to continued peace on this board. We pass him around like a drunk freshman at a frat party and that's the way it should be. However, Jkladis so strongly disagreed with me on this issue that he challenged me to a smack down -- a battle for 'the banana' (see Mr. Kladis' avatar if in doubt as to what this refers to 
).
The battle was set for tonight. Jkladis fought for sole possession of the banana, while I fought to retain the communal status of the banana.
For those unable to attend the event, here's how it went down:
ACT ONE: QUEST FOR KLADIS
As Jkladis hasn't showered since July, finding him wasn't much of a challenge. I simply stepped outside and was able to discern his pungent man-whiff even above the stench of LA. Here is where I must apologize to Jkladis. I doubted he lived in Carmine's bushes. I stand corrected.
Could that really be Jkladis hiding in the bushes?
Yep. I'd recognize that bald monkey anywhere.
Upon seeing me, he pointed and began shouting idiotic declarations of his undying love for Carmine. Apparently, his "boyfriend"'s recent appearance as one of People's "Sexiest Men" left him all kinds of aggitated and fearful of competition.
I immediately drug his delusional ass out of the bushes.
Sure, I found Jkladis is some bushes, but I needed proof that these bushes were in fact Carmine's. Jkladis was able to provide me with conclusive evidence that he was at the correct address.
First, he explained how difficult parking in the area can be and how he thought it was really nice the way Carmine reserved a parking space just for a special friend from work.
I began to suspect Jkladis really had found the home of his true love. However, I unfortunately had to clue him in as to the nature of this 'special friendship.' He was shocked and clung to his disbelief, positive Carmine loved him and only him.
He then proceeded to show me a little DNA stash he found in the bushes outside Carmine's bedroom window.
Apparently, trace found on the outside of the condoms bears a genetic make-up strikingly similar to that of Jkladis' love child ... which could mean only one thing. The condoms must belong to his baby's daddy.
Suddenly, Jkladis remembered that a used condom was thrown out the window each time the reserved parking space was filled.
He may be a little slow on the uptake, but things were finally starting to add up.
Lab reports confirm that the 'matter' found inside the condoms belongs to the owner of the parking space.
Jkladis was understandably upset, but still wanted to fight for exclusivity. I laughed hard, knowing that Jkladis wasn't riding that stallion, but someone else was. My laughter was somewhat dulled by the knowledge that he had been telling the truth about his location all along.
ACT TWO: THE SMACK DOWN
As a courtesy to Jkladis, I took him far away from the bushes to kick his ass. I didn't want him to have to endure the embarrassment of having Carmine call the cops again to complain of the rancid smelling homeless guy in his bushes.
I promptly stuck my heel in his ass.
To be fair, Jkladis had obviously been working out while living in those bushes. He proved much stronger than anticipated.
Then the battle was really on. We each grabbed ahold of the banana, unwilling to give the opposition even an inch.
After tugging for hours, the banana began to show signs of wear and we knew that if we continued, the banana would suffer irrepairable harm and no one would be able to enjoy it's firm length or sweet taste. The only solution? Out of love for the banana, Jkladis was man enough to put it's interests above his own and agree that there was plenty for everyone. The important thing being that his beloved banana be loved and cared for, rather than pulled apart in a struggle.
With the decision made to act in the best interests of the banana, we then went three rounds of "No, you take your turn first." ... "No, you go first." ... "No, no, I simply couldn't. Please you enjoy it first and I'd be happy to wait my turn."
ACT THREE: CLIMAX / RESOLUTION
So neither of us had to wait to take a turn with the banana, we decided to enjoy it simultaneously.
The overjoyed banana hastily shed it's skin and we took it up a notch.
NOTE: No bananas were harmed in the course of this evening. It was doubley pleasured for hours, but was not destroyed, damaged or softened in any way.
EPILOGUE: Through our joint powers of conflict resolution and out of Jkladis' selfless love for the banana, communal status has been restored. Step right up girls and get in line for a turn with one of the sexiest bananas on the planet.
).The battle was set for tonight. Jkladis fought for sole possession of the banana, while I fought to retain the communal status of the banana.
For those unable to attend the event, here's how it went down:
ACT ONE: QUEST FOR KLADIS
As Jkladis hasn't showered since July, finding him wasn't much of a challenge. I simply stepped outside and was able to discern his pungent man-whiff even above the stench of LA. Here is where I must apologize to Jkladis. I doubted he lived in Carmine's bushes. I stand corrected.
Could that really be Jkladis hiding in the bushes?
Yep. I'd recognize that bald monkey anywhere.
Upon seeing me, he pointed and began shouting idiotic declarations of his undying love for Carmine. Apparently, his "boyfriend"'s recent appearance as one of People's "Sexiest Men" left him all kinds of aggitated and fearful of competition.
I immediately drug his delusional ass out of the bushes.
Sure, I found Jkladis is some bushes, but I needed proof that these bushes were in fact Carmine's. Jkladis was able to provide me with conclusive evidence that he was at the correct address.
First, he explained how difficult parking in the area can be and how he thought it was really nice the way Carmine reserved a parking space just for a special friend from work.
I began to suspect Jkladis really had found the home of his true love. However, I unfortunately had to clue him in as to the nature of this 'special friendship.' He was shocked and clung to his disbelief, positive Carmine loved him and only him.
He then proceeded to show me a little DNA stash he found in the bushes outside Carmine's bedroom window.
Apparently, trace found on the outside of the condoms bears a genetic make-up strikingly similar to that of Jkladis' love child ... which could mean only one thing. The condoms must belong to his baby's daddy.
Suddenly, Jkladis remembered that a used condom was thrown out the window each time the reserved parking space was filled.
He may be a little slow on the uptake, but things were finally starting to add up.
Lab reports confirm that the 'matter' found inside the condoms belongs to the owner of the parking space.
Jkladis was understandably upset, but still wanted to fight for exclusivity. I laughed hard, knowing that Jkladis wasn't riding that stallion, but someone else was. My laughter was somewhat dulled by the knowledge that he had been telling the truth about his location all along.
ACT TWO: THE SMACK DOWN
As a courtesy to Jkladis, I took him far away from the bushes to kick his ass. I didn't want him to have to endure the embarrassment of having Carmine call the cops again to complain of the rancid smelling homeless guy in his bushes.
I promptly stuck my heel in his ass.
To be fair, Jkladis had obviously been working out while living in those bushes. He proved much stronger than anticipated.
Then the battle was really on. We each grabbed ahold of the banana, unwilling to give the opposition even an inch.
After tugging for hours, the banana began to show signs of wear and we knew that if we continued, the banana would suffer irrepairable harm and no one would be able to enjoy it's firm length or sweet taste. The only solution? Out of love for the banana, Jkladis was man enough to put it's interests above his own and agree that there was plenty for everyone. The important thing being that his beloved banana be loved and cared for, rather than pulled apart in a struggle.
With the decision made to act in the best interests of the banana, we then went three rounds of "No, you take your turn first." ... "No, you go first." ... "No, no, I simply couldn't. Please you enjoy it first and I'd be happy to wait my turn."
ACT THREE: CLIMAX / RESOLUTION
So neither of us had to wait to take a turn with the banana, we decided to enjoy it simultaneously.
The overjoyed banana hastily shed it's skin and we took it up a notch.
NOTE: No bananas were harmed in the course of this evening. It was doubley pleasured for hours, but was not destroyed, damaged or softened in any way.
EPILOGUE: Through our joint powers of conflict resolution and out of Jkladis' selfless love for the banana, communal status has been restored. Step right up girls and get in line for a turn with one of the sexiest bananas on the planet.
