Hmm.. How should I start? First, you did a great job! :thumbsup: When I started to read this, I thought it was non-SMacked Romance but I was flabbergasted by that. I'm glad that I did continue to finish it. Both were bold enough to confess what they felt about each other, what they feels about something that's not right, something that needs to be corrected. And.. "I want you in my bed". :guffaw:I totally agree with MacsLady about Stella's the only one who can push Mac. I've never seen Danny or Lindsay doing that. Confronting him about his life, asking him if he had any sleep, about his ring and being bold enough to step ahead her boss. Even if they does, it's not as frequent as Stella did. Well, they took their relationship fast so I really do hope that there's no hurdle or barriers that shall stop them as Mac/Stella.
Finally an update. Many thanks to Leigh @LHD for looking this over for me. ~~~~ Weeks passed. We couldn’t get enough of each other. One time, after Mac had been out of town for four days, we scarcely got in the door when we were both reaching for each other. I had barely gotten in the door when his hands were all over me; digging into my shirt underneath two other layers. I don’t think I had taken off my wool coat when he had me on the floor kissing my neck. “Oh God Stella, I missed you.” he murmured while his hands reached for my belt buckle. But I turned the tables on Mac. I slid off my wool coat and I watched my $350.00 purse fall to the floor. I didn’t care. I wanted Mac. I missed him touching me, holding me and loving me. I wanted to love him, to feel him inside me, to make love to him right there. I just wanted something a little different. I crawled on top of him and reached for his belt buckle instead. Before I knew it, his boxers and pants were around his ankles. My hands pushed against his solid chest, his hands were around my waist, “Don’t ever leave me again Mac.” I breathed as we began to make love right there on the foyer of Mac’s and my apartment. “Yes Stella,” he breathed back to me as we continued to make love. “I won’t ever leave you.” And amongst those beautiful words we said to each other, during the most sacred and beautiful act two people can commit, something else beautiful happened. It happened. I became pregnant. I just didn’t know it until much later. Mac and I tried to space the time we left the lab apart as not to raise any suspicion, but who were we kidding? I’m sure the lab knew that Mac and I were sharing an apartment. I mean living together. In fact I knew they knew. One time I caught Danny and Flack joking at the idea of who was going to find out our secret first. I think the pot was up to $100.00. But, what they didn’t know, and I really what didn’t want to know myself was that not only were Mac and I sharing and apartment, and a bed; but now we were sharing something else… the child we created. You know that saying… “If you don’t want to know the answer, don’t ask the question.” Well, that’s how I felt over the next few weeks. Something was ‘off’ with me and I couldn’t place it. I never thought to ask the question so the answer never came up. Being in a foster home for all of my childhood, I got used to the idea that I was unwanted. I wasn’t meant to have a family. That idea never left me as I grew older. It was sort of ‘hardwired’ into my brain that I would never become a mother, never have grandchildren because I’d never had a family. So the idea of being pregnant or becoming a mother was not ever in my thought processes. I would hear of friends who complained about wanting to become pregnant, the struggles they would go through to become a mother one way or another. My sympathies would go out to them, but as for me becoming a mother myself, it never occurred to me that I ever would. More weeks passed. I think it really hit me; the possibility that I might be pregnant was one Sunday morning. Mac and I were sleeping when Don called my cell phone. One of the benefits of being the head of the lab, was that no one called Mac on Sundays, no one. If you did, it had to be absolutely necessary. Donnie knew where I was. I didn’t have to tell him where I was, he just knew. Mac’s naked body was curled up next to mine as we lay in the bed together. His hand was draped over my middle. Maybe he subconsciously knew something I didn’t. The high pitched squeal of the phone shook me out of my comfortable position beside Mac. “Bonasera,” I grumbled into the phone. When I got to the crime scene I was tired, cranky, and a bit put off. Donnie tried to cheer me up by offering me one of my favorite breakfasts; iced coffee and anything sweet. Sometimes I can have an insatiable sweet tooth first thing in the morning. “Thanks,” I muttered to him smiling as he handed me my breakfast. “No problem Stel,” he smiled back. “It’s not like I want to be out here either. I don’t know about you, but I’d rather be in a nice warm bed next to someone I care about…” He said with a wink. That’s all he needed to say. It was out there. He knew. I’m sure everyone else did too. Somehow I felt I didn’t need to say anything else. He told me about the case. A body found in the alley next to a bar. The person was I.D’d as Jeremy Tyler. He had been missing since Friday night. The body was bloated and the smell of decomp was overwhelming, so overwhelming that it made my stomach churn. Normally the smell of decomp and rotting flesh doesn’t bother me, it’s part of my job. But on this particular morning that I couldn’t take it. I was snapping pictures of the body when suddenly I lurched over and my breakfast made a return trip; all over the crime scene. “Jesus Stella,” Don good-naturedly snickered at me. “Late night or what? I mean, look what you did to the crime scene.” His voice was amused and not amused at the same time. “What did you say?” I snapped back at him. “Look,” I started, “it’s not like I planned to get sick. So do me a favor and get your ass over here and help me clean this up before all of our evidence is compromised!” My voice shrilled at him. The next thing I knew, Don was on his knees helping me clean up. ~~~~ “I’m sorry,” I got out to Don I don’t know how many hours later. “Don’t worry about it,” He smiled his famous smile at me. “I shouldn’t have snapped at you like that,” I conceded. “Stel, let me tell you,” he began, “if I’ve learned one thing about women, its not to piss them off when they are either pregnant or have PMS. And since you are not pregnant then I’m chalking that outburst up to PMS. Am I right?” He winked at me. “Ah Yeah,” I laughed back. Somehow I thought he knew something I didn’t otherwise why would he bring up the ‘pregnant’ part? Both of us dropped the conversation after that. Generally, when I did find myself with PMS, I would go to the gym. Nothing cures my crabbiness like cannolis and a good hour of kickboxing. And if I’m feeling really crabby, I’ll have another cannoli. That usually does it for me. But what happened that day at the crime scene with Flack sent a red flag up. Sometimes I felt like Mac and I lived in our own little fantasy world, our apartment. The rest of the world was filled with crime, hate and horrible things, but in our apartment we were safe from all of that. Safe, together and nothing from the outside world could penetrate the walls of the apartment. Nothing could harm us or burst the little bubble we were living in. But, things started to unravel when I started griping at Mac. When I started to snap at Mac, then I knew something was wrong. Now again, the idea of being pregnant didn’t cross my mind until that day at the crime scene with Flack. But, I shoved that idea out of my head. I just thought I was getting older, becoming less regular and possibly even going through ‘the change.’ That was a thought I didn’t want to dwell on either. When Mac and I did fight, it was usually over really stupid things…. Like the laundry. “Hey Stel, have you seen my white button down shirt?” Mac asked one morning while we were getting ready for work. I was trying to hold down the bile that was filing my throat. I shook my head ‘ NO’ as I quickly stepped past him and into the bathroom closing the door behind me. I really tried to hold the vomit in. I did my best as to not vomit in front of Mac, so I chocked it back. “Are you okay?” His voice came through the door. “Yeah, I think I’m just coming down with something, I’ll be fine,” I quickly answered. “So, about my shirt…” he started again. “I like the way it fits and I have a court date this afternoon.” he continued. “Look,” I flung the door open much to my surprise I found him standing immediately on the other side of it. “Since when is it MY responsibility to do all the laundry around here?” I snapped. “And don’t you have like fifty- thousand white shirts?” I asked sarcastically. “No, I just thought...” “Just thought what?” I cut him off. “I’m the women, I’m the wife. It’s my duty to cook and to clean and to do all that kind of stuff. Is that it?” I huffed. “Ummm no.” He scowled as I slammed the door to the bathroom. I don’t know how long I was in there. I heard some shuffling coming from the bedroom. My stomach was churning again but I wanted to make things right. “Maybe you should wear the blue one; you know the one that brings out your eyes?” I hollered from inside the bathroom as I finished getting ready. “Are you okay?” Mac asked again. “Yeah; why?” I replied. “Well one minute you are snapping my head off about laundry and the next you are complimenting me. What’s going on with you?” I could hear the curiosity in his voice. “Uhh nothing. Like I said, I think I’m coming down with something.” My voice responded much calmer. I opened the door again and there stood Mac. He did have on one of my favorite shirts. It was light blue like the color his eyes. He nearly took my breath away. “What do you think?” He asked mimicking a model. “You look… you look great,” I smiled at him. “How about a tie to go with that lovely shirt?” “Weren’t you the one who convinced me I no longer needed to wear ties?” He asked as his eyes playfully danced. “A tie would make you look much more credible,” I joked as I turned to run a brush through my perpetually wild hair. When I turned to face him again, he had donned a blue and white stripped tie. “Just for you, love.” Mac grinned standing in front of me. He reached out for my hands and kissed my knuckles. “I’ll be in the kitchen making coffee,” he said leaving the room. My heart melted. All the fear and doubt and emotions I was feeling suddenly went away when I saw Mac standing there in that blue shirt. That is why I love him so much. He can make me mad as anything then with just a look; make me melt. After that, I really needed to find out what exactly was going on with me. More than likely I was pregnant but I wanted to, more like needed to find out. And right away. I went to the only person I could think of. The only person who could be discreet enough yet followed every protocol. The first thing I did when Mac and I got to work that day was to find Adam. Mac made a bee-line for his office; I made a bee-line for the lab. “Adam,” I said startling the lab tech practically out of his chair. “I need a favor.”
Just a short update this time. Thanks to Leigh@LHD for looking this over. :hugegrin: *** “Stella,” Adam’s voice shook me out of a trance. I guess I was staring blankly at him. Not really at him more like through him. His voice brought me back to where we were, at the lab that was soon to be full of others. “Yeah Adam,” I replied not really focusing. “Stella, You really don’t need me to run this test for you, do you? You said you took a Home Pregnancy Test already. Those don’t lie…” “ADAM!” I almost shouted as I was now truly focused on the conversation. “I need you to run it anyway. I want to be sure. I want to be really, really sure. I don’t want to tell Mac, I mean I have to tell Mac, it’s just I want to be sure.” I smiled a half smile. Adam smiled his cutest Adam smile. Lately the folks around the lab have been picking up on my moods, more so than I have. Smiling at me keeps me happier than not smiling, so after Adam smiled at me, I began to notice when others did too. “Okay,” he started as I watched him nervously slide a pencil behind his ear, “because I like you,” he winked, “give me about an hour. Okay? And if anyone asks what I’m doing, I’m bringing it all back to you. I don’t want Mac to riding my ass again.” “Fair enough,” I shot back at him. “And Adam?” “Yeah?” He answered “Thanks,” I said after placing a kiss on his cheek. Now that little task was out of the way, I could really focus on work. It’s not like I didn’t believe the home test, it’s just I wanted ‘hard evidence’. We strive to find all the evidence we can in our jobs, so why shouldn’t I double check something if I am uncertain? I felt a sense of relief after I left Adam, but that wouldn’t last long. An hour or so later, I was relaxing having coffee with Mac in his office. Something the two of us have been doing for I don’t know how long, but now that we are ‘together’ I think we are more guarded of our conversations and sometimes I feel just the slightest bit nervous. I don’t know why, it’s not like everyone doesn’t know about me and Mac, but it’s what else is going on with Mac and I didn’t want everyone else to know. I was trying to savor each sip since I was almost certainly certain I was pregnant and I somehow I also knew the 3-4 cups of coffee I have before noon wouldn’t be good for the baby. I just hoped Mac didn’t catch on. “Let me get you some more,” Mac said standing to refill my cup when I abruptly stopped him. “NO!” I almost yelled. Then without thinking I continued, “Its not good for the bab…” “What?” Mac questioned turning towards me with his eyes wide. “Umm, no thank you, baby,” I coyly said scrunching my eyebrows together. I think that was the first time I ever used an endearment toward Mac. I could see confusion on his face. “Are you sure? Because usually you would have downed like three cups by now,” he joked. “Yeah, I’m good.” I answered right away. “Plus, my stomach is not feeling great.” I admitted. “Okay,” Mac said after I watched him pour another cup just for himself. He walked back and sat down next to me again. Phew I thought. I’m glad that was over. Sometimes I think that for a man like Mac who believes that everything is connected and everything has a purpose, was oblivious to what was going on with me. He never caught on, or that I knew of. He knew subconsciously or he was sort of clueless when it came to women. Either way, I was grateful for his outright naivety. I knew I would have to breakdown and eventually tell Mac but I wanted to wait just a bit longer, just to find out for sure from Adam. But Adam almost wrecked my plan. “Heya Stella. That’s an affirmative on those lab results you asked for." Adam blurted out while entering Mac’s office. “What results?” Mac asked arching an eyebrow. “Thanks Adam,” I muttered as I shot a glance toward Mac with a smirk. “Stella,” Mac started, “I thought you closed the Jeremy Tyler case. It was ruled an accident this time,” he winked at me. “The lab results are useless at this point. Why did you have Adam run anything?” Mac asked with some concern. “Well boss,” Adam stammered in his usual way, “it’s like this, Stella came to me.” “Okay, I’m listening,” Mac said watching my face. “Adam was doing me another favor,” I started. “Part of my HIV follow- up care. My stomach was upsetting me for a while and I think it had something to do with the medicine they gave me.” I lied. “Can we uh….uh talk about this later?” I smiled back to Mac as Adam left the room. “Is everything alright with you?” Mac asked in a calmer tone. I felt his hand gently sweep down my back resting right at the small of my back. I love it when he touches me that way. I always feel better when I feel his hand on my back. I tried to keep the anxiety I was feeling inside of me to a minimum. I smiled a small, weak smile and said, “Yeah, yeah, we’ll talk later… at home okay?” as my hands wrung together nervously. Then he did something he had never done. He leaned over and whispered something in my ear, “J’aime mon amour,” He said in French. I never even knew Mac knew French. I smiled a big smile. I quickly tried to recall some Greek and said something similar to back to him. His eyes danced as he stroked his hand up and down my back. I didn’t want him to stop touching me, but I knew we had to get back to work. I find Mac irresistible when he is like this, very thoughtful and attentive. It’s a part of him no one else gets to see but me. I knew I had to tell him. There was no other way around it, but how? Should I make a romantic dinner? Take him out on the town secretly knowing I wouldn’t be doing very much of that sort of thing for a long time. Should I just tell him, straight out? That’s what I opted to do, tell him straight out. I hurried home, hopefully getting there before Mac did. Thank goodness I arrived a whole hour before he did. I’m not sure how I managed that because when I left the lab, Mac said he was also heading home but I didn’t need to wait for him. He’d see me at home. Then he smiled his smile for me and my insides melted. I didn’t want Mac to come home to the apartment in chaos so I tided up a bit, opened a bottle of wine that Mac’s friend gave us from Washington State. I had heard that they make good wine on the West Coast. I took a few sips just to test the theory and to steady my nerves some. Within an hour, just like he said he would be, Mac walked in the door. His head was totally hidden by a huge and I mean HUGE bouquet of flowers. Gerbera daisies, big red roses, yellow daffodils, you name it, it was in the bouquet. “Mac,” I giggled as I saw his head peering out form behind the flowers, “did you buy the whole Flower Market down on 38th or what?” “I knew you weren’t feeling well, you snapped at me this morning and I didn’t take it well, so this is my way of making it up to you. Plus I know how much you love these roses.” He gushed handing me the enormous bunch of flowers. “I…I’ll go put them in some water,” I stalled. I could see from the corner of my eye, Mac do his usual routine when he gets home. Routine is how Mac gets through the day. Or at least that’s what I know of Mac Taylor. Knowing what comes next helped him get through loosing Claire. A trait he learned in the Marines I’m sure. I’m sure as I am sure Mac is too, that having a ritual no matter how boring it is, could surely keep you going through some hard times. I would never take that away from him. Sometimes I just wish it wasn’t so routine. I watched him as I placed the flowers in the center of the little table off the kitchen. Hang up coat, walk to couch, take off shoes, place shoes next to door (unless he chooses a different pair, sometimes he does, those shoes get placed by the door). Then, undo the buttons on the shirt, and finally sit down on the couch. After proceeding to pick which piece of music to listen to; Billy Holladay or Louis Armstrong? After watching his habits for…. I don’t know a few months now or a lifetime I’m not sure which, I knew I would have to say something. Now was a good as time as any…. “Mac,” I started to say but he cut me off. “Stella, I want you to be honest with me,” he said after choosing Billy Holladay for the music. “If there is something wrong I want to know. I think I should know, especially if it has to do with your HIV status.” Then he stopped. I knew he wasn’t trying to be cruel so I waited for him to continue. “I mean that if you are getting sick, please tell me….” He stopped again, walked over to me and placed his hand on my face. I closed my eyes taking in him. Just him. His scent, his touch, his body. I wanted it all near me. My heart was swelling, I felt his love all around me as corny as that sounds but it was true. He radiated it. “Stella, love,” I opened my eyes and looked right at him. “If you are ill please tell me so we can get you well.” I couldn’t take it anymore. I just blurted it out, “Mac, I’m pregnant.”
Another update. Many many thanks to my beta Leigh@LHD :hugegrin: A word of warning though: This chapter starts out light and fluffy and gets a bit dark and angsty. Just a warning. ~~~~ Just as I suspected, Mac’s face held a priceless expression. Like the little boy whose neighbor ran over his favorite toy. I stood there and watched him. I watched the realization that I wasn’t joking come to his face. I waited for the onslaught of questions such as, “Are you sure? Is it mine?” I really hope he wasn’t going to ask that question but one never knows especially when dealing with some life-altering news. I finally spoke, “Are you…. Are you okay with this Mac?” I asked wanting him to talk, to say anything, to have some sort of reaction. “Yeah,” He started, “Uhhh, yeah, I’m okay.” A blank expression remained on his face. He was stunned. I could tell because he kept looking past me when he spoke. Then as if he was coming out of a trance or something he asked, “Are you okay?” “Yeah.” I smiled at him hoping to reassure him that I was okay. But more than just okay, actually, I was more surprised and thrilled than just okay. I wasn’t ‘bursting at the seams’ as some women are when they find out they are going to have a baby. I was happy, no more than happy, I was elated. “I am okay. I feel good and the doctor said I’m perfectly healthy and so is our baby,” I said as my hand unconsciously found its way to my middle and stopped there. I stood there, studying the looks that would appear on Macs face as I spoke. And once more he found his trance. I had to keep talking to keep him focused on what I was saying. I wanted to pull out the sonogram image (from the hurried doctor appointment I made that day) but I was afraid I would send Mac into overload. He had a lot to digest and I wanted to give him time. One of the things that no one tells you about being pregnant, or at least 8 weeks pregnant, was that you have to go to the bathroom every ten minutes or so. I began to walk out of the room when Mac stopped me and placed his hand on my face. I finally got to look into his eyes and know what he was thinking and his true reaction. My heart melted at that moment just like it always does when Mac looks at me that way. We finished our dinner that I had planned for us. I had just a small glass of the wine that I opened to ‘soften the blow’ so to speak for Mac. I could just see Mac’s disapproving eye if I had more than one glass. We talked about everything and nothing, just as we always did. After we finished eating, he picked out more of his favorite music. We sat on the couch in silence. Not a cold, distant silence but a relaxed, peaceful, and loving silence between us. His hand rested on my knee. Sometimes we don’t need to say anything to know what the other is thinking. “I hope he likes jazz,” Mac sort of joked after sliding yet another disc into the CD player. “So,” I joked back, “you’re sure it’s a boy are you? Are you willing to put up something, something worthwhile, you know, in case you are wrong?” I smiled. “Oh, I’m not wrong,” he said after sipping more of his wine. “In fact, I’m willing to bet my name on it.” He smiled his sly smile. “What makes you so sure? It’s not like we’ve been in this situation before. What makes you so sure you will have a son? Who’s to say that inside my body I’m not growing YOUR daughter?” I patted my stomach as we continued our lighthearted conversation. “Okay,” he played on, “If I am wrong and you are carrying a girl then you give me your name in exchange for mine….” “Wait,” I cut him off, “are you saying you want to get married?” “That’s what I’m saying. I’m saying that you have to marry me if we have a daughter.” “Well Mr. Taylor, what happens if we have a son?” “Well then, you also have to marry me if we have a son.” He commented in an ‘all too serious’ tone. I was sort of hoping he was kidding, but I wanted to make sure. I continued to go along….. “So let me get this straight, so if we have a daughter, I have to marry you. Is that right?” “That’s right,” He said in that cryptic way of his. “And if we have a son instead, I still have to marry you?” “Umm hmm,” Was all he replied. He stood up after finishing his wine. I knew that look he had in his eye. I was drawn to him and I got up and walked over to where he was, in front of the bedroom door. Another moment where we didn’t have to say anything to each other……. We made love. Mac was so kind and so gentle. At one point, I told him it was okay to touch me; that I wasn’t going to break. He whispered endearments into my ear the whole time. Something that Mac doesn’t normally do when we make love. But things were different now between us. We were going to have a child. I wasn’t sure if Mac was serious about getting married or not. I thought he was just playing along with the game. It’s something we used to do a lot before we were a couple. It’s something I missed. But I’m glad we haven’t lost the thing that made us… well…us. The way we used to talk, and to joke, and to play around with each other. I couldn’t help but ask after we made love, “So, were you serious about getting married?” He rolled from his back to his side and faced me. He stroked my hair and in what I believe was his most honest answer, he said, “Yeah, why wouldn’t I be?” That was the last time either one of us brought up the subject of marriage. I did sense something else, something different about Mac. Something that wasn’t there before, vagueness if you will. Something that was not like Mac. I was beginning to worry and have these nagging feelings, which our own little utopia would fall apart. But it didn’t collapse, or at least like I thought it would, it just changed. A change that neither Mac nor I were ready for. ~~~~ Two and a half more months passed. It went by so fast that I hardly remember the night I told Mac about the baby. You see, a case came up that required, no I should say demanded our attention. All of our attention. Everyone at the crime lab was on board with this case. Mac made sure of it. A serial rapist began a horrible spree across the NYU campus. No young woman wanted to come home from studying to see her roommate nearly strangled with her clothes strewn about the place. That was just the first case. The crimes got worse. The last victim he wound up killing. It was horrible. Horrible for everyone involved. Horrible for us at the lab. The city demanded the ‘buddy system’ for everyone leaving after dark. And most of all it was horrible for Mac and me. At that time I was about 4 months along. Funny, no one really could tell that I was pregnant at all. I wore a lab coat most of the time at work and I steered away from anything form fitting. Mac’s shirts were a temptation, but too much of a giveaway. I think it was Lindsay who finally blew my secret to everyone. Adam had a huge grin on his face every time he saw me. Even when everyone was busting themselves to catch the rapist, Adam always wore a big smile in my presence. Mac told him one time to wipe the smile off his face or Mac’s would do it for him. Adam didn’t take Mac’s threat seriously and that’s what I love so much about Adam. He rolls with the punches and doesn’t complain about anything. I considered him my steady rock some of the time when things got ‘too heavy’ around the rest of the lab. Lindsay and I were working on some evidence most likely tied to the rape case. We were both exhausted but more than anything I had to pee. I learned to ignore the nausea that was morning sickness. Whoever tells you that morning sickness just happens in the morning, well they are wrong. I excused myself to go to the bathroom and began to walk down the hall. A huge pain and I mean HUGE pain doubled me over in no time. I stood frozen in the hallway with my hands crossed over my belly. I felt like I was protecting the baby. I couldn’t move. I willed myself to breath but my breaths were falling short as the pain got worse. “Stella, are you okay?” Lindsay’s panicked voice asked as I felt her body next to mine. “Yeah, I’m okay, it’s ….. it’s …. “I almost spilled my secret myself forgetting that the lab didn’t know that I was pregnant. “I’m okay,” I panted hoping to see Mac coming down the hall. But no such luck. “What can I do?” She asked sounding even more panicked from the minute earlier. “Are you okay? Are you sick? Can I get you anything?” The onslaught of questions didn’t come from Mac, they instead came from Lindsay. Now Lindsay Monroe was a nice girl. And that’s what she was to me, a girl. She will always be ‘the country girl who tried to make it big in the city’. She has a great smile, was friendly enough and knows chemical compounds like the back of her hand. She’s a good CSI, but the two of us will never get along and still don’t get along as more than co-workers. Having Lindsay at my side at that time was more than a little unnerving. Something about her demeanor made me feel like I would have to take care of her at some point, not the other way ‘round. “Mac,” Lindsay breathed, “I’ll get Mac.” All I could do was nod before I spied her body fly down the hall. Less than 5 minutes later, Mac and Lindsay quickly make their way down the hall towards me. I was still frozen in the hallway and I managed to extend my hand to the wall for leverage. My other hand still sat on my belly. “What is it?” Mac’s voice was the first one I could focus on. “Are you okay?” “I’m fine,” I said as I cocked my head towards Mac. “It’s nothing, I’ll be fine.” I firmly stated. I felt Mac’s hand on my back and I knew I was going to be fine. I wasn’t sure I could say the same about Lindsay. She had even more questions than before and was ready to fire them off again. “Are you sure you are okay Stella? You gave me quite the scare. Do you think it was something you ate? You are as pale as a sheet. Do you want to sit down?” Then she stopped, only to take in a breath, “Is it the case? Is it too much for you? Because if it is, I can handle the rest of the evidence by myself.” She went on. I had had enough and before she could start again with her questions, I just blurted it out much in the same way that I did with Mac, “I’m pregnant.” I announced with Mac standing right next to me. Turned out it was nothing more than indigestion mixed with heartburn. I didn’t have a clue at the time and was really scared. I thought for sure something was wrong with the baby, but I didn’t let on, even to Mac. He insisted that I go to the doctor but discreetly. It’s not like we were purposely keeping it from everyone, but the lab was small enough. Mac and I didn’t need any gossip on top of our relationship that was coming apart. The case brought back Mac’s insomnia. There were a couple of nights when I woke up to go pee (what else?) and there was only an empty space next to me where Mac should have been sleeping. He was up, drinking bad coffee, sitting at the table poring over file after file about the rape case. I know it was really hard for Mac. He needed to find a reason, needed to find out how this guy worked, to find the connections then eventually to catch him. That’s the way Mac worked. But it was so hard for me to see him like that. Not only did the insomnia come back but that insecurity about Mac that I sensed, it turned into something worse, he became cold. Not just any cold, but frigid cold. He was cold towards the people in the lab, towards the victims, and most of all, cold towards me. It was an icy sort of, distant aloofness that could be warmed in anyway. It was a hardened coolness. Like a hard shell that couldn’t be broken. Even after he lost Claire, in a time when it was expected that he would be unfeeling toward the world, he had some warmth to him. I even made him smile now and again. This, this was different. And it was apparent to everyone in the lab. Mac turned into something I thought he would never become, heartless. All I could do was stand back and watch him. Watch him as he berated lab techs, snapped at police officers to do their damn job, and growled at anyone that got in his way. We, we hardly said two words to each other, either at home or in the lab. He kept an angry look on his face for a long time. The only communication between Mac and I was about the case. I though I could stand it at least for a while. I knew, or at least I thought I knew, his detachment and downright meanness would end as soon as this case was over. That was what I hoped anyway. But I was wrong. Weird phone calls started coming. On more than one night when I woke up alone in the bed, I found Mac on the phone laughing and smiling. Something he hadn’t done in a long, long time. I couldn’t describe the feeling that came over me when I heard Mac laugh. I was more than jealous, I was envious. Whoever was on the other end of the line got Mac to do something that I couldn’t. It almost ruined me. Once I picked up the phone and I heard a woman’s voice on the other end. It was odd. I thought I had heard that voice before. A clean, clear, crisp British accent asked for Mac after I said “Hello.” Mac quickly picked up the other phone. I knew exactly who it was on the other end, Peyton. Part of me wanted to listen in, but I knew better. Why would I invade Mac’s privacy? But I thought it could explain his very heartless behavior lately. Days went by. All of the odd things about Mac (his icy behavior, the calls from Peyton) I filed in back of my mind as we gruelingly went to work. The rape cases took all our time. Everyone at the lab was too caught up in doing their job to notice Mac and I started to drift apart let alone that I was beginning to show. A break in the case came when it was very much needed. All the evidence we collected created about three people of interest. There was nothing more to do than to sit and listen to the interviews and how this guy begun to seek out and then what he would do to his victims or to go home. I chose the latter. I couldn’t stomach listening to all the details. Processing the evidence while keeping my lunch down was hard enough, I didn’t want to stay and listen to it again. At this point in our relationship, I didn’t even bother to tell Mac I was leaving the lab, I just left. Home was a different story. The once cozy little apartment where we lived, loved and spent our time together in became just as cold as Mac. It felt hollow and empty. There were plenty of furniture and trappings about to make it feel like a home. It wasn’t. There were no pictures, no warm sentimental keepsakes and certainly no items leaving any sort of clues that Mac and I were going to have a baby. No crib, no blankets, and not a single stitch of baby clothes. Coming home made me feel more alone than I already did. I was bound and determined NOT to let our relationship die. Yeah, we were under a great deal of stress. Yeah, we circled around each other avoiding eye contact and every thing else that we once shared. But we were still going to have a child. I was carrying his and my baby. I didn’t want him to forget that. So, I made a dinner much like the one when I first told him about being pregnant. I wanted to recreate that same loving, caring environment we had when I told him I was pregnant those few months back. I cooked the same thing, his favorite, garlic and lemon chicken with Spanikopita and a Greek Salad. I felt like one of those mad housewives you hear about, trying to rekindle the romance that had gone out of her marriage. Well, that was exactly what I was doing. Trying to rekindle… something…anything to get back what we once had. Because the though of loosing Mac over this, the baby, the case, Peyton, whatever was too much for me to take. I was doing whatever I could to hold on to him. He came home in the same mood as he left the lab, foul. I read it on his face. I tried to lift his spirits, tried to make him relax in his home, our home. I offered a glass of wine. The same wine we shared that night. He didn’t even have the courtesy to refuse the wine; he just walked right past me. So, I followed him into the bedroom where he took off his shoes, a break from his normal routine of taking them off beside the door. I walked over to him with a smile on my face hoping he would smile back at me. I stood right in front of him as he undid his tie. With all the commotion with the case, I forgot he had put on a tie that morning. Possibly he wasn’t as dead inside as I thought he was. “Hi,” I smiled, “how was the rest of your day?” Nothing, he said nothing. He stood right in front of me and said nothing. I closed my eyes and thought back to night he told me he wanted me in his bed. I could feel Mac was still next to me, I could hear him breathing. I opened my eyes hoping to see something other than the same disagreeable look he carried around for days. “Well I guess you won’t be needed that,” I said in my most happy upbeat voice reaching for his tie. “Stella,” he finally said. “Yeah,” I replied still smiling as I lifted his tie from around his neck and flung it on the bed. “Let me help you with your shirt,” I started. He cut me off. “Stop, just please stop.” His voice was vacant and empty as his hands clamped over mine. “What is it?” I felt just like Lindsay did when I told her I was pregnant. I just hoped that I didn’t have as much desperation in my voice as she did in hers that day. He looked at me. But it wasn’t with warmth, love or caring. It was like I was a suspect. Like he had total contempt for me. Like I had done something horribly wrong. Like I was the rapist at NYU and he had finally figured me out. I didn’t know what to do, so I asked again, “How was the rest of your day? Did you and Flack make any progress with the suspect?” I asked with the possibly that the reverse could be true. That talking about the case would open him up some and I could really talk to him. He didn’t respond. The room remained silent. Just as silent, empty and cold as when he came home. “Stella,” He spoke again. I didn’t say anything as we stood facing each other in the bedroom. His hands grasped mine still on his chest. He looked down at his hands over mine. “Stella,” he repeated. “I’m…. I’m not sure ….” “Sure about what Mac?” I asked squeezing his hands hoping I had made progress. “I’m not sure I can do this…..” That was all I heard him say. He let go of my hands, stepped away from me, slid his shoes back on, and walked out of the bedroom. He walked out the apartment door. He was gone. Mac was gone.
Come on, fix it! Why didn't you let them be happy? And I hope you're able to update faster and not keep us waiting as long this time...RL so gets in the way, doesn't it? *wants to come find you and see if you're typing lolol*