CSI: Bikini Bottom

Hankster

Hankster

Coroner
(Suspenseful music plays and Dusk shots of the various towers of downtown Bikini Bottom, the Sea-needle, the Krusty Krab, and Conch Street are shown. The camera pans around lower to the ground until we hear some mumbling of "Hungry. Meep meep! Hungry." Some springy, bouncing sounds are made until a massive moving stain appears across the road. The camera zooms closer in to reveal a massive gaggle of Nematodes moving across the ground. A boatmobile drives along the road, a tired fish-passenger making his way home after a long day comes upon the gaggle of nematodes who then proceed to consume his vehcile. The fish-man plops to the ground making skidmarks)

Fish-man: MY LEG! MY LEG!

(Cut to Conch Street. We see Patrick Star's rock, Squidward Tentacles' Easter Island Head and Spongebob Squarepants' Pineapple house. The gaggle of nematodes bounces their way across Conch street mumbling "Thirsty." Camera cuts away to the base of the Pineapple house where the Nematodes have pulled out straws and are sucking the house into smaller size.)

(Interior of the Pineapple House. The room is shrinking while Spongebob and Gary, his pet snail remain the same size.)

Spongebob: Gary! We're huge now!

Gary: (confused) Meow?!?!?

Spongebob: (Realizing they're going to bang their heads on the ceiling if they don't get out of the house) Let's get outta here.

(The pair manage to bang their way out of a window, catching their breaths and then look back at their house, to only see an empty slab)

Spongebob: GARY! We've been House-jacked!!!

Gary: (shocked) Meow!!!

(Music, time-forward to the arrival of BBPD and CSI)

Det. Jim Bass: (a fish-man who very strongly resembles Paul Guilfoyle, walking with a bearded bespectacled fish who very strongly resembles William Petersen) Apparently this poor invertibrate's house was jacked.

Lead CSI Gills Grunion: A house-jacking. We haven't had one of those since the Flying Dutchman tried to haul off Eugene Krabs' stash of money.

(Bass and Grunion cross the yellow tape to find CSI's Nick Sturgeon and Haddock Brown taking photographs and collecting samples.)

Haddock Brown: Grunion! Over here!

Gills Grunion: What've you two got for me?

Nick Sturgeon: Some pineapple skin remnants, this little pebble that Mr. Squarepants says is all that's left of his house, and a bunch of tiny straws like you'd use to stir coffee.

Grunion: Bag it and tag it. We'll need those for trace.

Haddock: I also found some odd green egg-shaped things. At first I thought they were worm scat, but they're too dry and scaly for that. (Holds up a Ziploc bag with described contents)

Gills Grunion: Would a father give his child an eggshell when he asks for an egg?

(Cue in "Who are you?" By the who, with animated aquatic style credits with a montage of characters that seem a bit too familiar to our various CSI fans here on the boards)
 
(We are in the meeting room of the BBPD Crime Lab. Gills Grunion is sitting at the table discussing the present case and handing out assignments)

Grunion: Okay People. We've got a busy night thus far. Haddock-you and Nick are working the Squarepants Housejacking. Catfish-what have you got?

Catfish Willows (an overly made-up pink female fish with blonde hair and a bit of an attitude, resembling Marge Helgenberger): We've had another call from Eugene Krabs--Sheldon Plankton's out of jail again and he's trying to steal the Krabby Patty secret formula.

Grunion: We'll kick it to Sqidrad Ecklie and the day shift. Next.

Sara Sailfish: (a very finny, skinny female fish with brown hair, bearing a strong resemblance to Jorja Fox) Someone's been knocking on doors and running away again over at the Shady Shoals Retirement home, and someone released a really bad stinkbomb that caused a number of floaters at the Reef Movie theater.

Grunion: Okay, Sailfish--I want you and Cat on the Movie Theater case. I'll be working the housejacking with Haddock and Nick.

(Cut to the interrogation room where Det. Bass is interviewing Spongebob and drinking a cup of coffee. Grunion walks in as Bass is summarizing what he's learned.)

Bass: Okay, Mr. Squarepants. Let me make sure I understand this correctly. You and your pet snail, Gary were sleeping, and you suddenly felt a whole bunch of small tremors. The sound woke you up and you then began to notice Gary's bowl shrink until it disappeared, followed by your alarm clock. You then looked at your room and realized that your bed and everything around you was shrinking, but you and Gary were the same size.

Spongebob: Actually, I thought Gary and I were growing huge at first until I looked out the window and realized that my house was shrinking.

Bass: Okay. At that point you jumped out the window, with your snail in tow, managed to catch your breath, then turned around and your house was gone.

Spongebob: (Starts sobbing) Detective Bass! WHAT AM I GOING TO DO!?!?! MY HOUSE IS GONE!!! WAAAAA!!!!!

Det. Bass: (Slaps Spongebob across the face) Get ahold of yourself, man! Do you have any friends or neighbors you can stay with in the meantime?

Spongebob: (Sniffles a little) My best friend Patrick Star lives 2 doors down... or I could go back and stay with my mom and dad....

Det. Bass: Now you're thinking clearly. (notices Grunion is now in the room) Oh, and here's one of the men who's going to help us crack this case, Mr. Squarepants. Gills Grunion, our lead CSI on the graveyard shift.

Grunion: Mr. Squarepants I need to ask you a few questions. Do you have any enemies?

Spongebob: Not that I know of. Of course, my neighbor, Squidward Tentacles, is always seemingly mad at me for one thing or other.

Grunion: (mumbling as he writes) Squidward Tentacles... must be a relative of Squidrad Ecklie's...

Spongebob: And my driving teacher, Mrs. Puff over at the boating school is always trying to get me to go to Mrs. Flounder's school instead...

Grunion: (mumbling) Mrs. Puff... okay. We've got the pebble you said was all that was left of your house. We're having Greg Sandshark run a trace analysis on it to see if there's any usable evidence there. I want you to think for a minute Mr. Squarepants.

Spongebob: Okay (begins to grunt, veins popping out of his head and sweat beads down his brow) I'm thinking.... I'm thinking...

Grunion: Did you happen to hear any other noises inside our outside your house before the tremors occurred?

Spongebob: (grunts...) Must think... for a ... whole... minute...

Gary: Meow!!!

Spongebob: Ooops! Sorry! Uh, yeah... I was half asleep but I could have sworn I heard some kind of mumbling. I thought I'd left the TV on...

Grunion: Mumbling. Okay, Mr. Squarepants, this information gives us something to go on. We'll be sure to call you in if we need anything from you or if we can come up with anything.

Spongebob: Okay, Mr. Grunion. I guess I'll just catch a bus back to Conch street now...

Bass: I'll have O'Malley and Perch take you back to your friend's house.

(Two uniformed fish officers show up, on cue and lead Spongebob out of the interrogation room)

Det. Bass: Poor kid. He's been on his own only so long, a fry cook at the Krusty Krab and now he's lost his house.

Grunion: Lost? I'm beginning to think it was more along the lines of Eaten, and possible deliberately so.
 
(Scene cuts to the next morning. Gills Grunion is finishing up filing reports and as he's walking out the door into the hall, he runs into Squidrad Ecklie)

Squidrad Ecklie: Grunion! What in the Hell do you think you're doing, kicking this knocking and running away case to the day shift?

Grunion: Aw, c'mon Squidrad! That case seemed right up your alley and worthy of your talents as a CSI.

Ecklie: (Sarcastically) Ha-ha-ha. Do you realize what a pain in the ass it is to investigate any crime scene at the Shady Shoals Retirement home?

Grunion: I'm sure you're going to tell me anyway... (rolls his eyes)

Ecklie: Mermaidman and Barnacle Boy live there. Barnacle Boy keeps on griping in your ear about one thing or another, and Mermaidman keeps on trying to "help", but ends up getting in the way, befuddled and confused, and occasionally shouting "EEEEEEVIIIIIIIIIIL!!!"

Grunion: (Shuffling on his way) Well, I'm sure that your type of investigatory methods appeal to Mermaidman very well.

Ecklie: (Pauses a beat and realizes he's been insulted. Starts yelling after Grunion as he heads out the door) I know you insulted me Grunion! Watch your back!!! I've got my eyes on you!!!
 
(Cut in to a new scene, Conch street)

(Det. Jim Bass is on Conch street pounding pavement to try to find witnesses. He goes up to 122 Conch Street--Squidward's Easter Island Head and knocks on the door)

Squidward: Whadda you want?

Det. Bass: (Flashes his badge) Detective Jim Bass, BBPD, Mr. Tentacles.

Squidward: (Starts to sweat) Uh... sorry about that, sir! What can I do to help?

Det. Bass: I just wanted to ask you a few questions about what happened to your neighbor, Mr. Squarepants' house.

Squidward: Oh that? Is that really worthy of your time and efforts?

Det. Bass: If your house were stolen or destroyed, I figure you'd want us to investigate it.

Squidward: All I know is that last night, there was some kind of a tremor, some mumbling which disturbed my beauty sleep, and I hear Spongebob crying that his house is gone.

Det. Bass: I see. But you know something, your other neighbor, Mr. Patrick Star told me that after going out to greet Mr. Squarepants, you went upstairs and began playing loud cha-cha music, laughing and dancing with a lampshade on your head.

Squidward: (Begins to sweat even more and gets more nervous) Well, uh... you know something... Have you ever had a really annoying neighbor? Someone who's always making noise, disturbing you with silliness, stupidity, bubblestands, jellyfishing.... (starts getting angrier as he recounts things he's dealt with living next to Spongebob) ...bringinb over Mermaidman and Barnacle Boy... BEING AN ALL AROUND NUISANCE?

Det. Bass: I see you feel very strongly about this.

Squidward: You have NO IDEA!

Det. Bass: Actually, I think I do. (pulls out handcuffs, pushes Squidward to the wall) You're under arrest, Mr. Tentacles, for suspicion of detroying or conspiring to destroy Mr. Squarepants' house.

Squidward: (now scared) Under arrest? Waitaminute! I wouldn't last a moment in jail! I'm too pretty--I'd be made some big shark's bitch within hours of being thrown in there! WAAAAAA!!!!

Det. Bass: Tell it to the judge! You're hatred for your neighbor gives you a clear motive. If you have something to fess up, you'd better do so while you have the chance! GET MOVING!!!

(Detective Bass hauls Squidward into his squad car and drives off)
 
(Cut to Gills Grunion's office a couple of hours later. Greg Sandshark, a blonde-haired, semi-nerdy shark who bears some resemblance Eric Szmanda, enters Grunion's office wearing a blue lab-coat)

Greg: Grunion! I've got back your trace results. On the straws, there was some spittle left on them, but the DNA did not match sentient fish life.

Grunion: Well, are you going to tell me what it is, or are you going to make me guess.

Greg: They had about 10 base pairs, and contained some very odd green xanthophylls. I almost thought they were a form of Plankton...

(Quick cut to the Chum Bucket. Plankton pauses while working on his latest evil plan to steal the Krabby Patty Secret Formula)

Plankton: I think my antennae just detected some inferior shark scientist invoking my name... oh well, no matter...

(Cut back to Grunion's office)

Grunion: Well, if it wasn't a form of Plankton, we can rule out Sheldon J. Plankton as a suspect. Plus, his MO is to steal the Krabby Patty secret formula anyway.

Greg: Exactly. However, there were those eggshells Haddock and Nick found that looked a bit of an aquatic insect-like.

Grunion: Of course!

Grunion and Greg: NEMATODES!!!

Grunion: We need to check to see if there were any other Nematode incidents in the area last night. If we can locate them, I can triangulate a path to where they were going, probably to spawn this time of year.

Greg: And then what?

Grunion: And then, we find the gaggle that perpetrated this crime and let justice take care of the rest.

(Det. Bass steps in)

Bass: Gills--I brought in a potential suspect. Squidward Tentacles is Mr. Squarepants' next door neighbor. The guy is a nut job--losing his temper every time someone Squarepant's name, playing his clarinet horribly bad, boo-hooing about how bad his life sucks, yadda-yadda-yadda

Grunion: Jim, the evidence points to Nematodes, not the neighbor. Wait a minute--did you say his name was Squidward Tentacles?

Bass: Yep. The very one.

Grunion: (To Himself:) Ecklie's cousin! (To Bass): Hold him for 24 hours on noise pollution for that lousy clarninet playing, then release him.

(Cut to the Bikini Bottom Jail. Squidward is in a cell, grabbing the bars and looking very nervous)

Squidward: Guard! GUARD!

Fish Guard: Whadda you want now, Tentacles?

Squidward: I want outta this cell! I want a different cell-mate.

Fish Guard: This is JAIL, ya bum! Not Summer Camp. Youse two need to sort things out fer yerselves. (Fish guard walks away)

(Squidward turns back, and we see his cellmate. The Tattletale Strangler! The Strangler begins flexing his hands and laughing evilly)

Strangler: FINALLY! I GET MY REVENGE ON ONE OF THE YELLOW IDIOT'S FRIENDS WHO KEPT ON SHOWING UP THROWING PARTIES! HOOO HOOO HAA HAAA HAA!!!

(Closeup on Squidward's scared, sweating face, with the Strangler's shadow falling over it)

Squidward: GULP!!!
 
omg! THIS THREAD ROX! U ROX HANSTER!!!! I LUV YOU!*kisses and hearts* i want more please! i need more! more more MORE!!! (i'm addicted! ^-^)
 
(Cut back to the Lab. We see Greg Sandshark poring through a few other items from Ziploc bags labeled "Squarepants", but then notices one in particular that has an oval, somewhat brown colored pebble)

Greg: (To himself) I don't remember seeing this.

(We go into a montage that shows Greg measuring the pebble's weight, major and minor diameters, taking some small scrapings of of it, putting them under a slide and then looking at the scrapings under a microscope. Greg suddenly jumps up from the microphone and pumps his fist in the air!)

Greg: I got it! I AM DA MAN! WHOO HOO!!!

(Cut to the interior of Grunion's office, where he's working the Bikini Bottom Gazette's crossword puzzle)

Grunion: (to himself out loud) 11 letter word for steak.... porterhouse...

Greg: (bursts in) YEAH! I AM DA MAN!!!

Grunion: No, you're a shark. What do you have for me?

Greg: You remember that pebble that Nick and Haddock got from that Squarepants guy? Well, it isn't a pebble. Look at this slide...

Grunion: (places the slide in his desk microscope and looks) These are fibres that you see in seed coatings for plants. Mr. Squarepants' house didn't just look like a pineapple, it actually was a pineapple house plant! Let's bring this to him over at his neighbor's place--I have an idea.

(Scene cuts to Conch street, we see Grunion, Greg and Bass standing on the site of Spongebob's former house with Spongebob and Patrick)

Grunion: Mr. Squarepants, I know you've been distressed about losing your house.

Spongebob: My parents are coming by any minute to take me back to their house in Ukeleli bottom.

Grunion: I don't think they'll need to that, Spongebob. Greg, if you would...

(Greg Sandshark takes a small trowel digs a hole, puts the pebble inside the hole and covers it up.)

Grunion: Now for some fresh water...

(Patrick hands Grunion a glass and Grunion pours it on there)

Bass: We'd better all get away from the site now. We'll see some action in a few minutes.

(Everyone gets away from the house site of Spongebob's former pineapple house)

(Squidward comes out of his eater Island head, covered with bandages and bruises and walking funny)

Squidward: Well, it looks like I'm just in time to see you LEAVE Spongebob. HA HA!!! (To Bass) And, I'm glad to see that these fine scientists were able to prove my innocence!

Bass: Innocence from jacking your neighbor's house, maybe. But you're still guilty of being a jerk...

(Squidward goes over to the former site of Spongebob's house just as Spongebob's parents drive up and starts dancing)

Squidward: (singing) Spongebob is leaving! Spongebob is leaving! Spongebob is leaving! Spongebob is leaving!

Mr. Squarepants: Son are you ready to go? What's happening here?

Grunion: You''ll see...

Squidward: (singing) Spongebob is leaving! Spongebob is leaving! Spongebob is leaving! Spongebob is leaving!

(Suddenly a giant flower springs up out of the ground next to Squidward, with the flower hanging directly over his head.)

Squidward: (looks up at the flower) Uh oh....

(Suddenly the flower spits out a brand new, full sized Pineapple House, right on top of Squidward, and then retreats back into the ground)

Spongebob: HOORAY!!! That wasn't a pebble! It was a SEED! And it grew into a new house!!! Everybody come in and PARTY!!!!

(Spongebob, Patrick, Spongebob's Parents, Bass, Grunion and Greg all run inside, and we see his new house looks exactly like his old one. Spongebob cranks up his record player, playing beach music and everyone starts dancing. We then see the outline of Squidward's body underneath the floor)

Squidward: (muffled) Ouch....

(CSI: Bikini Bottom Logo Comes up. Ending Credits roll. Who are you? by The Who plays)

(The name of this episode is "Crushed Pineapple", by the way. I live in Houston--my house is boarded up and we're getting ready to bunker down due to the Hurricane coming in close by. I hope to have another episode in this thread after the storm passes. Thanks for all the love and appreciation for this thread. I also want to thank my 3½ year old daugther Helena for giving me the inspiration for this fanfic. Helena is a Spongebob fan and she knows I like CSI. Sometimes, after the show ends, she likes to say "Grissom solved the crime, Daddy." How ever, one time after watching Spongebob--the episode "Home Sweet Pineapple"--she got mixed up and said "Grissom solved the crime, Daddy--nematodes eat pineapple." Then I started thinking about how CSI might work in the Spongebob realm after she said that and the rest is history. Stay tuned for another installment of CSI: Bikini Bottom after Hurricane Rita has passed and power is back on in Houston.)
 
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