Yo!Bling/Snickers- Symphony of Change
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lostladyknight
Pathologist
Re: Symphony of Change by Bauerfreak and LostLadyKnight
Another new chapter. Sorry for the wait!
Symphony of Change
Chapter 6.
I've been trying to head over to the hospital to visit Sara about every other day or so, which is around the same that everyone else is. Well, besides Grissom. I still can't believe that he actually asked me what I thought about asking Sara to marry him. I mean, if the guy feels that way, I guess it's a logical next step. I'm not sure how Sara feels about it. But after a couple days of contemplating this, I still can't shake the feeling that it's just...wrong. You know that feeling? Kind of like if you were to try to pair Chyna the wrestler with Mr. Brady - it just doesn't feel quite right. They're not quite as polar opposites as those two, but it makes my stomach upturn to think about Sara - beautiful Sara - ending up with this older guy. And he's her boss nonetheless, and used to be her teacher. Obviously they're both consenting adults, but I wonder if Sara feels weird being attracted to a former professor. I let out a guttural sigh as I slow to make a left turn in my truck.
Why am I even thinking about this so much? It's not like it concerns me or anything. Maybe if I was that Alex guy, I would be worrying, being her husband and all. I've seen those two interact, though, and they sure don't seem married. Good friends, yes, but not in love. And for the life of me, I can't tell if Sara is in love with Grissom.
I’ve had just as long to adjust to the idea of the two of the together as anyone else on our team but I just can’t get used to the idea. I’ve even had more time, in a way, because back when he wasn’t paying her any attention at all she and I used to go out on the weekends and she’d talk about how she just didn’t understand why she wasn’t good enough for him. I didn’t understand it either. Then, finally, the signs that Grissom had met someone started to pour in, and Sara became more and more unavailable to me as a friend. I started picking up on the little clues, but for some reason this time I didn’t want to follow the evidence. I just ignored it. When I was thinking about it, which was a lot more often than I probably should have, I decided that their happiness together was what was most important. But, the idea of her getting married to a man that she’s had a crush on for a decade and a half seems stupid, and that’s all it is right? A crush?
I’ve brought something for Sara almost every time I’ve come to visit. Usually I bring books, but whatever I have in my hands varies from time to time. I brought her my portable DVD player so she can watch movies, so sometimes I bring her an old flick or two that I know she’ll like, even though Warrick is the one that has a taste in movies that most closely matches hers. Thus, usually, I bring books. My sister Becky, she’s the second youngest, has the same taste as Sara in books so I usually call her on my way to Sara’s and stop off at McGuire’s Books to pick up whatever new novel Becky says she might like. Lately, though, I’ve been doing a lot better at personalizing my little gifts for her, so I decide not to call my sister, I’ll talk to her later.
I could take the easy way out and buy her a forensics magazine, which I know she'll gobble up and get excited over. If I know Sara like I think I do, she's still going crazy about not being able to work. Any taste of work excites her and gets her going, her sharp mind wanting to tackle anything other than "The View" and "Days of Our Lives". However, I don't know if it would send the wrong message. I don't want her rushing back to work when she's not ready. She's already stubborn enough as it is. If she finds out about some new technique or gizmo introduced in a magazine, she'll push herself to get back to work earlier than she needs. She'll stress herself out, work through her pain without slowing down, and it'll take so much longer for her to get better.
No, a forensics magazine definitely won't do. There's a gift shop on the ground level of the hospital, where hopefully I'll find something that matches this odd palate of feelings I have for my coworker. I miss her at work, but in a different way than some of the others, I think. Sara and I have always had a friendly relationship, rich with bantering and teasing, almost like she's one of the guys. I like to bust her chops, and she busts mine right back. But I've been missing more than just that, I've realized, but I can't quite put my finger on it. And like the investigator I am, I can't stand it. She's truly one of my best friends, but I don't think of her romantically really. How in hell am I gonna find a gift that'll express that?
I decided about a month ago that I wanted to get her tickets to see Wicked the musical down in Los Angeles. I know that I can’t be sure if she’s going to like Wicked as much as she loved the Wizard of Oz as a child, but I already took the chance. She did call me last night, to tell me that she finished the book and thought it was one of the most beautiful stories she’s ever read, so I think that I made a safe purchase with my money. Since I ordered the tickets a few days ago, I had the insight to buy three tickets so she can take Ryan, and probably Grissom with her. There’s a small thrift store that I know about on Chestnut Street that I decided to stop in, on my way. I know that the tickets, all six hundred dollars worth of them, will be a great gift but I just want to do something with the presentation. I know it’s not exactly the most manly thing in the world to know where a decent thrift store is, but I do have five sisters after all. I found the place with Mary when she was here on her last visit. I take the few turns and pull up in the parking lot.
It takes ten or fifteen minutes of perusal on the shelves I spot the perfect thing. It’s a music box with a cover that looks like a slightly topographical map of the land of Oz. When it’s opened you see the figures of Glinda and the Wicked Witch in the center with a host of other character dancing around them, the background features a silhouette of Dorothy. The song it plays, I know from spending time with my nieces over Christmas, is “For Good” the final song from the musical.
I snatch the music box up, and hand the cashier the five dollars to cover the cost - practically free compared to the $200 tickets they'll hold. I smile as I make my way back to the truck and sift through my wallet on the way, knowing that Sara will absolutely love my gift. Is it normal that I find so much joy bringing even an inkling of happiness and hope into her day? Lord knows she must get so bored and disheartened, sitting in that hospital room all day long. I know I did, when I had a prolonged stay after the events that unfolded a couple years ago now.
I find the three tickets, which I've tucked away safely in my wallet and stare at them proudly as I turn the ignition, particularly that $200 price tag on the stub of each of them. My heart suddenly drops, realizing that Sara will see the price on her ticket. Two hundred dollars? That's the amount of money a parent might spend on a child, or a boyfriend might splurge on his girl for an anniversary, but a friend on a friend? Will she think it's too much? I clear my throat and place the three tickets inside the slightly worn music box - it's a comfortable wear, like its last owner has loved it well. I'm almost sure that she'll find the box just as wonderful as the tickets themselves.
About ten minutes later, I pull into the garage next to the hospital and find a spot. I pick up my pace a little, mostly because I can't wait to give Sara her gift, but I don't want to appear over-zealous. My feet take me along the familiar path towards the elevator, up to her floor, and finally to her room. As always, I hear a faint hum of a voice from outside her doorway. There's always someone there with her, whether it's Grissom, Alex, Ryan, or someone from the team. I knock politely as I step into the doorway to find Sara looking quite fragile and bored. Alexander is sitting in one of the chairs next to Ryan, and appears to be helping him with some school work.
I haven’t exactly met Ryan and Alexander yet, but I do know that they have the habit of being here all the time. It was easy for me to decide which of the people occupying Sara’s room was her son, and which was her husband. I smile and walk into the room, where I trigger Alexander to stop quizzing Ryan as he prepares for some test, and everyone looks up at me. Ryan stands and extends a hand for me to shake. I oblige quickly and then walk past him to wrap Sara up in a hug for greeting. Something about the grin I see on her face, excitement to see me, makes me feel like I should squeeze her as tightly as I possibly can. The deep hug must have been exactly what she wanted because before I have time to pull away she whispers in my ear that she missed me. I haven’t been here in a week, but the sensation of knowing that Sara actually missed me does something to my mind that I can’t quite conceive. I pull away from her gingerly, allowing the secret that passed from her lips to my ears to remain private.
I can see a little twinkle her eye as I pull up a chair next to her bedside. It feels nice to feel wanted. The fact that she missed me makes me feel like a little kid being praised. I feel like I'd do anything to keep pleasing this woman before me. Anything I could do for her I would without hesitation. She deserves that.
"How are things going?" I ask before I can stop myself. It's a standard greeting, but in this situation not quite appropriate. Things don't change so much from day to day, and I feel like maybe I've reminded her of her situation, and what happened to her by this simple question. She sighs, preparing herself to robotically answer it with a 'The doctors say I'm improving' or 'I'm feeling a bit better', when I stop her.
"Sorry. That was lame." I tell her, and she offers me a little smile in agreement. I really want to ask her about Grissom, and about if he's proposed to her yet. She sure isn't acting like someone's just proposed to her. I see her eye wandering to the box I have in my hand, which is hard to hide.
"I brought you something." I announce with a childish amount of promising foreshadowing. Sara smiles, her little gap showing momentarily as she waits.
"You're just full of surprises." She tells me as she shakes her head.
She reaches out to take the box from me and a glint from her left hand tears my eyes from her jubilant face and commands my attention. Grissom must have already proposed because she’s wearing an engagement ring. Moreover a rather tasteless engagement ring, did Grissom actually think that Sara would be bought off with a gaudy fake diamond set in such an elaborately overdone orangey-gold band? I feel sick. I don’t know why, but it’s this overpowering feeling like I want to vomit that has filled my stomach. I’m tempted to ask her what the hell she was thinking when she begins to open the box. I see her brown eyes glow like the ring she deserves would and I decide not to think about anything but taking in the look in her face when she sees what’s inside.
Her mouth gapes adorably, and her lips soon take on the form of a full-out Sara Sidle smile. Her eyes and her whole face glows as she picks up the three pieces of paper inside. I know the $600 is well-spent when she looks at me a moment later - her eyes are full of such love and appreciation.
"Nick!" She exclaims like a bubbly teenager who's just been invited to the prom. "Oh my God! What the hell?" She asks in true Sara-ness.
I have to chuckle at her excitement and expression - it warms my heart to see her smiling and know I'm responsible for it.
"It's three tickets for The Wicked in LA." I explain, as if she can't read, but also for the other two men in the room who are wondering what has Sara so excited. "They're open tickets, so you can go whenever you decide." I'm cut off when Sara throws her arms around me, not at all shy this time to show her emotion.
"Nick, this is so great!" She exclaims, still holding on to me. I rub my hand up and down her back and notice footsteps behind me. Not that I'm going overboard, but I pull away and place a single quick kiss to her forehead - something I do on occasion. Alex comes around to the other side of the bed, smiling a little, wondering what has Sara so excited. She thrusts the tickets into his hand.
Sara suddenly realizes that even though I introduced myself quickly to her son, I haven’t been formally introduced to Alexander and Ryan. Sara pushes me away from her. I can tell it’s because she remembered the ring on her finger. She looks at Alexander, and closes a hand gently around his.
“This is Nick,” she tells him. “He’s the one who brings me books all the time, I’d go insane without him. He’s a dear friend.”
“I’m Alexander.” The man extends a hand in greeting, “Sara’s uh... well... I’m not sure anymore.”
Sara tickle-grabs him in the stomach and smirks. I'm sure she's just as confused, being proposed to by Grissom, but being married to another man. And how the hell is Alexander coping with this? Talk about being overthrown. I extend my hand across the white sheet, under which lies the woman we both care about.
"Nice to meet you." We exchange a firm shake. I then get introduced to Ryan, who must be having a bit of an off day, because he's not all that talkative and looks kind of annoyed - probably from being quizzed nonstop on whatever he's studying. He offers an unexcited hello and then lets his head rest against the back of the chair. Poor kid, having to be away from home for so long, and to live the rest of the time away from his own mother. Alexander must be pretty strict with the kid, because he clears his throat and shoots Ryan a bit of a look. Ryan sighs and sits up straighter, going back to his studying.
"I loooove The Wizard of Oz, Nick. This is perfect." She oozes, reading the ticket over again.
“How could I forget?” I ask and flash her a happy grin.
She’s smiling and I guess that’s more than I could really ask. I haven’t had the chance to see her smile this way in a long time, not since before the whole incident. I feel a great deal of pleasure knowing that I’m at least partly responsible for making that smile return.
Alexander takes me aside, before I’ve been there too long and asks me a favor. Apparently he hasn’t had the chance to ask any of Sara’s other friends because Grissom is the one that’s usually here, or Catherine and she just seems too occupied with her daughter. He tells me that he’d like to go and pick up a few things in the interest of cutting the expenses of staying long term in Vegas
and he tells me that he’s wondering if I wouldn’t mind giving him a ride to a few stores. He wants a portable refrigerator, some groceries, some clothing items for Ryan, and maybe an X-box or
Playstation for the kid. As much as I want to spend time with Sara I agree that we can socialize a bit longer with her in her room and then that I’d be glad to help him out.
I follow Alex back into the room, and see him wander over to Ryan to have a few words with him. That gives me a chance to have a little more one on one time with Sara. The sunlight is shining through the window just by her bed, and I can't remember the last time she looked so beautiful. She seems to be getting more hope back lately, though it comes and goes. As I come close to her bed, she starts singing 'Somewhere Over the Rainbow', in her adorable, slightly off-key voice. I grin at her as I sit next to her once again.
"I would tell you how awful your voice is, but my mother taught me not to make fun of invalids." I tease her, receiving a surprisingly hard punch in the bicep.
"You used to tell me I had a nice voice." She counters my insult, and I know just what she's talking about. Sara sings randomly working on cases, something she says she can't control, and honestly she does have a pretty good voice, but, as I said, we like to bust each other's chops.
"I'm teasin'." I assure her, and we both overhear Alex and Ryan's exchange just a few feet away.
"Ryan having a tough time?" I ask softly, because neither of the men sound too happy as they're talking. Sara nods and twirls her engagement ring around on her finger slightly.
"I think he's just bored. I don't blame him. Alex just wants to make sure he's getting his work done."
There are things I’m feeling right now. Things that have all taken ablaze in the last few days, since Grissom mentioned that he might propose to her. Listening to her sing, seeing her with a child, her child, watching her smile. These things weren’t right, she was someone’s fiancé now after all.
I decide, in hopes that I can sway my mind from the inappropriate places it was taking me, to let Sara tell me about her son and his accomplishments for the remainder of our time together. I can tell that the life she left behind in California was beautiful, she was a mother and a wife to two people that she couldn’t possibly love any more. How could Alexander let someone like her go? And why would she run away to someone so undeserving of her love as Grissom? Not that it’s my place to say who she should be with and who she shouldn’t, she’s only my friend, right?
Alexander wanders over eventually, after smoothing things over with Ryan, apparently. The man must be a good father, because Ryan's demeanor has changed drastically now. His features seemed to have lightened, and he looks set now to continue with his work and hang out with his mom, as I'm sure Alexander has explained. Alexander leans down and presses a tender kiss to Sara's cheek, much like I did earlier on her forehead. Somehow it doesn't surprise me that so many men seem to adore Sara. She's got two guys who want to be called her husband, and I know
Warrick and I sure care about her deeply.
"Nick agreed to take me around town for a while to run a few errands." Alex tells her in a bit of a murmur. Sara nods and glances at me, smiling.
"Well, that's very nice of him, to take you on a date." She teases some more.
"Ha ha." Alex gives her a playful glare. "Ryan's sticking around to tackle some more geometry."
Sara nods affirmatively and smiled up at her husband and then at me. I can’t help but observe that she kind of looks at us the same, but I can’t quite put my finger on what that means. It’s probably just all the boredom of being in the hospital, her being all excited to see me, and the way she’s smiling at me. Right now I can’t believe I’ve never much paid attention to the way she smiles at ‘just friends.’ Then again, if that’s the ‘just friends’ smile, why is she looking at Alexander that way? Even if they had just started out as deer friends, wouldn’t that relationship evolve over sixteen years? So, that means that in the eight years of our friendship we’ve developed a deep bond right? I guess I can’t deny we have a bond, but it’s not fair of me to be questioning feelings right now. Sara is getting married, so whatever’s confusing me, and whatever I think I see, or I want to see behind her eyes... that’s going to have to be my little secret.
“Have fun, you two.” She wishes us as she gives Alexander’s hand a tender squeeze. I have the sudden urge to touch Sara, because through this ordeal and through my nightmare also, I’ve learned to show the people you care about that you love them. I settle for a friendly rub on her forearm. She puts her hand over mine and gives me another gap-toothed smile that always warms my heart.
“Don’t go running off anywhere.” I tell her, feeling a smile forming on my face. That’s me and Sara’s relationship to a T – giving each other a hard time playfully. She gives me a playful punch to my arm as I walk away, chuckling.
I lead the way down the hall, and hold the elevator open to let Alexander enter before me. It’s a politeness that men don’t usually share with each other, but the two of us already have something in common, a deep caring for Sara. Besides, I assume that not many of the people he’s met since he has been here have tried to be very nice to him. So, in an attempt to make think that Sara hasn’t taken up with a group of egotistical jerks, I decide to give the whole welcoming thing a try. We’re standing in the elevator, and I’m looking at the numbered buttons as the lights click down. Though I want to be welcoming, it’s hard for me to dredge up warm feelings towards him. I’ve decided, to let him break the ice and be the first one to speak. Too bad I think he might have made the same decision about me.
It’s hard to say who exactly is the “host”. We’re at a hospital – not exactly anyone’s turf. Sure, I live in Las Vegas, but Alexander has practically taken up home in that hospital room. I decide, after almost fifteen seconds of silence, to break it, since he is the one in town visiting, and I’m the Vegas resident.
“Sara’s doing better, don’t you think?” I strike up the conversation about the one thing I know we have in common. Alex’s face forms a smile and he nods affirmatively.
“Yeah, I’m so glad there’s finally an end in sight to her hospital stay. It’s been rough on her, being all cooped up.” I can tell that Alexander knows her as well as anyone close to her. Sara’s not the type to just sit around being a victim. It seems like she’s really perked up, knowing that soon she’ll be out of that mini-prison of a hospital bed, and back to a normal life.
The elevator dings and the door opens to the first floor. I lead the way out, and we fall into a comfortable side-by-side stride. “Yeah, I’m sure she’ll be glad to get back to work.”
Alexander chuckles a little, and I can tell it’s not out of happiness. “Well, between us, I’m glad she’s been away from work for a while. What you guys do is so dangerous. I worry about her all the time.”
I nod in understanding, wondering how this guy can live in another state, while his wife with a dangerous job lives alone in one of the most unsafe cities in the country.
“I’d like to tell you that our job is pretty safe, which I guess compared to being a patrol officer it is, but the truth is we’ve had some pretty terrible things happen to CSI’s over the years.” I assume that Sara has been pretty open with him about our work life, even though I don’t know how accurate the assumption is. “But... I don’t think that any of us would trade our jobs in for the world. It’s really satisfying work.”
“Sara tells me about a lot of the cases, especially the ones that really get to her.” Alexander tells me, rubbing a hand through his hair. “Sometimes I want to tell her to stop, to leave CSI and get another job, but I know that helping people that way makes her happy.”
Alexander really was a wise man when it came to Sara. He knew that Sara’s life was her work. She got a deep satisfaction about speaking for the victim and solving cases. It was her calling in life, and she was truly great at her job. But if it was my wife seeing and doing the kinds of things I do every day, I don’t know if I could handle it. I suddenly feel myself having deep respect for Alexander, the way he can take a step back and let Sara live the way she wants, even if it causes a lot of hurt and worry for him.
“Well, she really is one of our best CSI’s. She shows me up all the time.” I tell him honestly as I use the clicker to unlock my truck in the garage. We both climb into the truck and I start up the ignition.
“I just hope she’ll be more careful from now on. You do have the woman who did that to her locked away, right?”
“Oh, yeah. Caught her later on that evening. She’ll be locked up for a long time.” I assure him. I know that all the CSI’s, Grissom especially, will be damn sure we get Natalie the harshest sentence possible. You don’t come after one of our own and get off easy. I clear my throat, and try to change the conversation to something more pleasant.
“So, you wanna go to the grocery store and then where else?”
“Well, I’d like to pick Rye up a few more pairs of jeans and shirts, you know?” He tells me, “We’ve been here a while longer than we expected and I think he’d be more comfortable in something he hasn’t worn every day for a while.”
“Ahh, well we could go to a Target, they have clothes and some food, and a few other necessities there” I tell him. I can tell by the way he and his son dress and carry themselves that neither of them have probably ever stepped foot into a target, or any other form of department store. “Or, if you’d be more comfortable, there’s a mall on the other side of town. There’s more variety there.”
“Oh, well whatever’s easier is fine. I just want to make sure he’s set, I have court in three days and I’ll have to go back home for about a week.”
Man, this guy is a saint. I have a few friends who have kids of their own, but this guy seems to take it to a whole other level. I can tell how much he loves his kid, and that it tears him up he has to live without his mom. If there were more fathers in the world like this guy, I wouldn't have a job, which I think in that case, I wouldn't mind so much.
“Well, he seems to be a really well adjusted kid.” I tell him honestly. “I know quite a few teenagers, and none of them are as well-behaved as Ryan. And he seems really happy.”
Well, Lindsey is my main comparison here. And no offense to Cath, but she can be a bit of a hellion at times. Ryan seems to be a saint in comparison to Lindsey’s ways.
“Thanks, Nick. He’s a pretty good kid, I think, but of course he has his moments. Do you have children?”
God knows how much I wish I did. I see guys my age with their kids – some even have teenagers – and I can’t help but wonder what it’s like to have someone love you and completely depend on you the way a kid does. When I see families together, I wonder if I’ll ever get to that point; if I’ll ever meet someone I want to have kids with. I desperately want a family, but the right woman just hasn’t come along for me yet, and through it all, I can’t help but wonder if my chance of becoming a father is dwindling away with each passing day.
Not having kids sometimes really sucks. I have five sisters and a brother, all of which are married, and the only one without kids already, Julia, just told me that she’s officially pregnant again. This will be her second attempt at a child, unfortunately she miscarried her first. I’m pretty sure that she’s not telling our parents until Thanksgiving, but still, I’m the last of seven brothers and sisters, and I’m not even in a relationship, let alone married and expecting a child. Having sixteen nieces and nephews is nice sometimes. You can always take the kids back to their parents when they are being bad, but I wouldn’t mind a troublemaker so much, as long as he or she was my little troublemaker.
I know, well I have a pretty good idea, that this is an absolutely terrible suggestion. Grissom certainly should be the one to make the offer, but I decide to go for it.
“I don’t know what you plans are, but Ryan’s welcome to stay at my place until you get back from California, if you and Sara want.”
Alexander glances over at me, I sense a bit surprisingly, at my offer. “That’s awfully nice of you.” He tells me as I drive towards the mall. “I wouldn’t want to impose on you, though.” Alex says politely.
“No, it’s not a problem at all.” I assure him. “I have a spare bedroom in my apartment, and it’s in a good neighborhood. He could come to the lab with me if he’d like, or he can just hang out at my place and do homework.”
“Wow, that’s quite an offer.” He runs a hand over his hair in thought. True, he doesn’t know me very well, but I think he can tell that Sara trusts me implicitly. I truly think that Ryan won’t be a problem at all, the way he behaves in public. And it’ll only be a few days; it’s not like I’m adopting the kid.
“Please don’t feel like you’d be imposing. Really. I enjoy having a little company every once in a while.” It’ll sure be interesting living with a teenager for a few days, if Alexander accepts, which I think he will.
“Well, God knows I’d like to accept.” He says to me with a laugh. “But, I should probably talk to Sara about it first. I think she was hoping that he’d stay with Grissom for a few days, you know, because of the engagement and all. He will be Ryan’s step father.”
He is obviously trying to have a good sense of humor about the whole concept of Grissom and Sara getting married, but I can tell that he, like me, feels more than a little uncomfortable with the idea. I couldn’t imagine losing my wife, or any woman like Sara, to a man and then having to share my child with him.
I nod. This was precisely what I was thinking he’d say. I decide just to leave one more word of offering out there and then let the issue alone “Well, he’s more than welcome.”
“Yeah, well believe me, I want to take you up on the offer but... I just don’t know if it would be appropriate.” he tells me. I’ve heard rumors about this family’s obsession with politeness and proper public form, but I just don’t know how they do it.
I turn into the mall parking lot, and Alex and I fall into a comfortable silence as I search for a parking spot. I pull into an open spot and the two of us head into the building. I’ve had to buy enough Christmas and birthday presents for my nieces and nephews to know where all the stores teens like to shop at are. One of my nieces once gave me a mini-tutorial on where was okay to shop for teenagers. So, the educated shopper that I was, I led Alexander into American Eagle first.
I’m surprised at how easily I seem to get along with Alexander. We’re not just sharing small talk, as I find out that he’s also a Dallas Cowboys fan, and that he has family in Texas. I can’t shake the feeling that I actually like the guy, and think we could be good friends if we lived in the same town. We spend about forty-five minutes at the mall, and after trips into Hollister, Abercrombie, and PacSun, we head back to my truck.
We breeze through the rest of the errands and on our way out of the last store, an upper scale grocery store, Alexander sees a flower display. He grabs a bouquet of white roses, and asks the clerk behind the florist stand to wrap them up in green and silver tissue paper. He gives the lady a nod and a twenty dollar bill, and without waiting for change greets me at the sliding glass doors at the front of the building. I laugh at him a little bit. Sara Sidle is going to be spoiled by the way all of the men in her life dote upon her.
“Man, she gets more gifts than a rich kid at Christmas.” I say to him with a laugh. “I mean, her room is littered with gifts from the men in her life, Warrick brings her movies and he got her that bear. Grissom and all of those flowers. I bring her books. Greg, I don’t know if you’ve met him or not, but he brings her chocolates and food. And now you... and roses.”
“She’s lucky that she’s got so many people around here that care about her.” He says, deciding to be grateful and not jealous. We’re back in the car and on our way back towards the hospital as we finish the conversation. “I think I’ll sleep a lot better now, now that I know how great Sara has it here, and how much her friends care about her.”
“She’s got a lot of people in her corner,” I say, turning down the last street before the hospital. “But that doesn’t change anything, what happened to her... It should never have happened.”
“Well, I’m just glad she has good people around her. Thanks for being there for her.” He tells me as I turn into the garage.
“My pleasure.” I reply. Nothing makes me feel better than helping other people, especially people I care deeply about like Sara. It’s just not in me to let Sara suffer without trying to help her, just like she helped me after my ordeal. Sara knows I’m there if she needs me, whether it’s just hanging out and talking, or sneaking her in a bar of chocolate.
Soon, we’re back in the hospital room with Sara and Ryan, who has since finished his geometry homework. He rolls his eyes a bit when he sees the labeled bags. I get the sense that Ryan doesn’t like his father shopping for him, but like most guys, I doubt he really likes shopping trips.
“Oh, God. You bought me clothes?” Ryan plopped the novel he was now reading while his father set the bags down on the floor. Alexander took out a pair of pants he’d found at Hollister and unfolded them, holding them out for his son’s approval.
“Not bad.” Ryan nodded in approval as he stood to check out what was in the other bags.
“Are you gonna show us?” Sara asked her son. Ryan gives his mother a look. “Do I look like a girl to you?”
I’m about to make some sort of comment to the teen about how I think his father did a pretty okay job picking out clothes when I hear the familiar ring of Sara’s cell phone. It had taken the efforts of almost all of Sara’s friends for her to manage to keep her cell phone in the hospital room. The three men in Sara’s room listened to her speak to the caller for a few minutes before she told the person on the other end of the line that she’d talk to Ryan about it, whatever it was, and call back in a few minutes. With a quick thank you she said goodbye and snapped her phone closed.
She then turned and gave Ryan a half grin. She knew that she’d be in hot water with her son if she didn’t start explaining right away. “That was Catherine, you remember her right babe? Well her daughter said that there’s a party tonight, she thought you might want to come.”
Ryan reaches up and smoothes some of his hair down, as if suddenly afraid that he isn’t presentable at the mere mention of a girl his age. The poor kid has probably been so cut off from people his age he doesn’t know how to relate to them any more. I can’t tell right away if he’s happy about this or not. His mother just kind of made a play date with him. However, she had also made an effort to get him out of the hospital and have some sort of a social life.
“That’d be cool.” He tells his mother, nodding. “What’s she like?”
Sara looks at me with a sort of amused expression, knowing she’ll relate to how she’s feeling. How to describe Lindsey? She’s probably just like her mother was at that age – always worrying her parents to death, flirty, sometimes talked back. But of course other times she was perfectly pleasant, like the little girl who used to come into the lab with Catherine, smiling and bright-eyed.
“Well, you’ve met Catherine. She’s got the same hair and looks. Takes ballet. She’s pretty popular at school, I think, so she probably knows some more people you can hang out with while you’re here. Very friendly.”
Not too friendly, I hope. Lindsey’s very into the flavor of the week, and hope that she won’t treat Ryan that way. He’s too good of a kid to be blown off later by someone like Lindsey; to be used. And while I care about Lindsey, I can’t help but feel like giving her a little phone call to warn her to handle Ryan with care. Surely, Catherine has already told her about what’s going on in Ryan’s life.
“Popular.” Ryan says in response to my description and then rolls his eyes. He looks as though he might be sick, and I’m forced to gather that he doesn’t co-mingle very well with the more popular crowd “She’s not a cheer leader is she?”
“Nah, nothing like that.” I assure the kid as Sara and I both try to stifle a laugh at the thought of Lindsey cheer-leading. She’s popular in the sense that she’s always getting invited to parties and stuff. The truth is, she couldn’t be less school oriented unless she didn’t actually go. I haven’t known that child to do a single extra-curricular activities sponsored by the school since she roped Warrick and I into chaperoning her fourth grade camping trip. The ballet is something she started when she was so small I’m not sure I ever remember a time when she wasn’t doing it but she makes sure to tell anyone who makes the confusion that it is absolutely not a school related group.
“Babe, she’s really down to earth. She makes a lot of friends and knows just about everybody in the town, sometimes even I’m surprised by how many people she knows,” Sara jumps in, saving me from my complete failure in describing my ‘niece.’ “Trust me sweetie, I think you’ll really like her. She’s got a lot more in common than you’d think. She likes to read, she’s great at math, she’s really interested in science. She’s just... a little less willing to show that side of herself to just anyone.”
Ryan looks back and forth between Sara and I suspiciously, looking a bit worried. "You guys are talking like there's something you're covering up. She's not crazy or anything is she?”
I clear my throat in amusement and look over at Sara, who looks just as amused. It’s not that she’s a bad kid…it’s just that she’s a free spirit. After knowing Ryan for an abbreviated amount of time, I can sense that he’s not into that type of girl, but at a time like this – when he’s been uprooted from all he’s known – he’s a bit desperate for anyone to call a friend.
No, Ryan.” Sara chuckled in response, but Ryan doesn’t look that relieved yet. “She’s just very energetic; very free-spirited.” When Sara sees that her son still isn’t convinced she shakes her head at him in amusement.
“We’re not asking you to marry her, Ryan. We just thought you might like to get out with someone your age.”
Ryan nods and looks at me, surprisingly, for more reassurance. I give him a smile. “She’s a nice kid, Rye. But if you feel like leaving, you can always give me a call and I’ll pick you up.” I offer him.
The teenager takes all this information into consideration and thinks for a few moments, then turns to his mother. “Okay, mom. I guess I’ll go.”
Sara smiles, seemingly glad that Ryan is agreeing to a little social time. “Great! I’ll call Catherine.”
“Hey Sar,” I say to her with an overly exaggerated whisper as she puts the phone to the ear. I know I’m making those overly foolish hand gestures that people always make when they are talking to someone who is on the phone. “Tell Catherine that I don’t mind dropping him off, if it’s easier for her.”
Sara gives me some sort of nod, whispers the word great, smiles at me, and gives me a thumbs up. I assume this is code for she received the message and she’ll transfer it as soon as she can. The display was so funny that she has Ryan, Alexander, and I laughing through gritted teeth.
While Sara is on the phone, trying to locate Catherine, I watch Ryan move across the room and lean towards his father and ask a question. From the way he’s pointing at his head and the clothing bag across the room from him, I assume that it’s some sort of request for a shower. My suspicions are confirmed when Alexander walks over to me and tells me quietly that he and Ryan are going back to the hotel to have a quick dinner and so Ryan can wash up. He tells me, also, that he’d like it if I’d have Sara call him with a time to meet back at he hospital so I can give Ryan a ride. I nod in understanding and wave them out of the room.
I’m left with the revelation that I’m now alone in the room with Sara. Well, alone with a large array of flowers, balloons, chocolate, and books, that is. I turn from where I’m sitting next to her high hospital bed and smirk at one of my best friends. She mirrors my expression, something that she couldn’t bring herself to do not long ago.
“I can’t believe I had to convince my own son to go out with a girl.” She confesses jokingly as she adjusts herself a bit on the surely uncomfortable mattress. As a reflex of my upbringing, I assist her the best I can, fluffing up her pillow and making sure it’s in just the right spot behind her back as I answer her.
“Well, I don’t blame him for being suspicious, the way we were describing Lindsey.”
Sara lets out a bit of a dry laugh. “Well, I don’t think I’d even want them dating, no offense to Catherine, but going out a few times while Ryan’s here won’t hurt.”
I nod and find myself just staring at her face. I’ve seen her face so many times, but lately, I think because we almost lost her, I’ve been trying to notice the little things I love about Sara. Like that tiny gap between her perfectly white teeth; the way her eyebrow quirks up when she’s confused, and how she frowns when she’s deep in thought.
Having five sisters, I know what kinds of things my devotion to memorizing her face implies. Becky and Mary, the two sisters I talk to most often, have been teasing me for years about my crush on my co-worker. I’ve denied it implicitly, of course, for just as many years. Greg was the one with the crush on Sara, this has always been my argument, as though it’s a strong one. That, and the fact that while Greg was the one with the crush, Grissom was the one with her heart. Well, Greg’s crush fizzled into deep admiration and a quirky friendship years ago and I’m starting to questions the power that Grissom holds over her. So, do I have a crush on Sara Sidle? How in the hell should I know? If you ask my sisters, yes. If you asked Greg, what I feel for her is probably some sort of deep friendship. Asking me, however, is absolutely useless because I don’t have a clue.
I just came to the sudden realization that I’ve been standing over the head of Sara’s bed, hands wrapped up in her pillow, looking down at her with a dopey and absent look on my face. Either she’s going to start getting the wrong idea, or she’s going to think I’m high. I clear my throat and decide to play a cheap card and save face the only way I can think of.
“Uhh sorry... I was... I was thinking about the accident. I’m really glad you’re here Sara.” It’s a bold faced lie, I wasn’t thinking about the accident at all, but I find solace in my assumption that she’ll believe it.
She gazes right back at me, and I wish I could read her mind right now. Does she ever have fleeting moments like this, when she wonders if she has a crush on me? As she looks at me directly in the eye, I think it just may be possible, but I’m too chicken to do anything about it.
“Yeah. Me too.” She whispers after a bit of a pause. “Thanks for hanging out with me. I know it must be boring to watch a bed-ridden workaholic laying around trying not to go crazy.”
I chuckle a little at her humor, which she’s managed to keep through all of this. “My pleasure.” I answer honestly, hoping she isn’t being freaked out by my behavior. I know I love Sara as a friend, but I can’t shake the feeling today that I have special feelings inside for her; feelings I don’t have for other females in my life, like Catherine and Mandy and Wendy. Why are they working their way to the surface now? And do they really mean anything? I mean, how many girls in my life have I had little fleeting crushes on, which turn out to be nothing?
I give her the Texan grin that I discovered a long time ago always has the ability to put a smile on her face big enough to expose that gap in her teeth. Then, realizing that I’m cascading myself into dangerous territory a I step back from her bed side just a few inches, and pull a chair up beneath me. As I sit here I know that I have to get her talking about something, so she doesn’t get freaked out by all of this weird attention I suddenly have the desire to give her. So, I ask her what she thinks about the book, Wicked, which seems to work to my advantage. She goes into detail about how she loved the passage near the end of the first section, the part about the baby witch and the beast beneath the bridge.
I’m not paying her any attention though. Well, I’m paying her a lot of attention, but not to her words. I’m looking at the edge of her casted arm and where it sits on her body right now. Laying across her abdomen, leading its way dangerously close to her breasts. Crush or not, I realize, if I’m staring at her cleavage while she’s laying in a hospital bed, something’s going on in my mind. It’s weird that I don’t notice the arm that I’m watching move, but before I know it she’s slipped her fragile hand down and rested it on top of mine where it rests on my leg, she squeezes but doesn’t let go.
“Nick.” She says to me and I can tell she’s about to ask me what’s on my mind, but decides not to. Maybe she believed my fib about feeling especially wounded that I might have lost her and she’s trying to console me, to show me she’s right there. Maybe she just wants to touch me. Maybe could mean a lot of things in this situation, and I don’t have any idea as to what.
She doesn’t get a chance to finish her sentence because there’s a knock at the door, ruining the moment. Sara whips her hand away so fast, that it makes me wonder if the touch of her hand was somehow inappropriate. I mean, we’ve touched each other on the hand and arm before. It’s not like I was groping her. What the hell am I talking about? A moment? I know I’m over-thinking this too much. When I turn around, I realize why Sara snatched her hand back so fast.
Grissom walks in with a fresh bouquet of sweet-smelling flowers to add to the collection. Sara beams at him, her face slightly reddened. I wonder if it’s because she thought touching me had gone too far. To be frank, I kind of enjoyed it. I clear my throat and give Grissom a nod and step back as he leans down and plants a kiss on her lips right in front of me. I’m reminded, quite bluntly, that whatever feelings I’m having are in vain. At the end of the day, Sara belongs to Grissom.
Another new chapter. Sorry for the wait!
Symphony of Change
Chapter 6.
I've been trying to head over to the hospital to visit Sara about every other day or so, which is around the same that everyone else is. Well, besides Grissom. I still can't believe that he actually asked me what I thought about asking Sara to marry him. I mean, if the guy feels that way, I guess it's a logical next step. I'm not sure how Sara feels about it. But after a couple days of contemplating this, I still can't shake the feeling that it's just...wrong. You know that feeling? Kind of like if you were to try to pair Chyna the wrestler with Mr. Brady - it just doesn't feel quite right. They're not quite as polar opposites as those two, but it makes my stomach upturn to think about Sara - beautiful Sara - ending up with this older guy. And he's her boss nonetheless, and used to be her teacher. Obviously they're both consenting adults, but I wonder if Sara feels weird being attracted to a former professor. I let out a guttural sigh as I slow to make a left turn in my truck.
Why am I even thinking about this so much? It's not like it concerns me or anything. Maybe if I was that Alex guy, I would be worrying, being her husband and all. I've seen those two interact, though, and they sure don't seem married. Good friends, yes, but not in love. And for the life of me, I can't tell if Sara is in love with Grissom.
I’ve had just as long to adjust to the idea of the two of the together as anyone else on our team but I just can’t get used to the idea. I’ve even had more time, in a way, because back when he wasn’t paying her any attention at all she and I used to go out on the weekends and she’d talk about how she just didn’t understand why she wasn’t good enough for him. I didn’t understand it either. Then, finally, the signs that Grissom had met someone started to pour in, and Sara became more and more unavailable to me as a friend. I started picking up on the little clues, but for some reason this time I didn’t want to follow the evidence. I just ignored it. When I was thinking about it, which was a lot more often than I probably should have, I decided that their happiness together was what was most important. But, the idea of her getting married to a man that she’s had a crush on for a decade and a half seems stupid, and that’s all it is right? A crush?
I’ve brought something for Sara almost every time I’ve come to visit. Usually I bring books, but whatever I have in my hands varies from time to time. I brought her my portable DVD player so she can watch movies, so sometimes I bring her an old flick or two that I know she’ll like, even though Warrick is the one that has a taste in movies that most closely matches hers. Thus, usually, I bring books. My sister Becky, she’s the second youngest, has the same taste as Sara in books so I usually call her on my way to Sara’s and stop off at McGuire’s Books to pick up whatever new novel Becky says she might like. Lately, though, I’ve been doing a lot better at personalizing my little gifts for her, so I decide not to call my sister, I’ll talk to her later.
I could take the easy way out and buy her a forensics magazine, which I know she'll gobble up and get excited over. If I know Sara like I think I do, she's still going crazy about not being able to work. Any taste of work excites her and gets her going, her sharp mind wanting to tackle anything other than "The View" and "Days of Our Lives". However, I don't know if it would send the wrong message. I don't want her rushing back to work when she's not ready. She's already stubborn enough as it is. If she finds out about some new technique or gizmo introduced in a magazine, she'll push herself to get back to work earlier than she needs. She'll stress herself out, work through her pain without slowing down, and it'll take so much longer for her to get better.
No, a forensics magazine definitely won't do. There's a gift shop on the ground level of the hospital, where hopefully I'll find something that matches this odd palate of feelings I have for my coworker. I miss her at work, but in a different way than some of the others, I think. Sara and I have always had a friendly relationship, rich with bantering and teasing, almost like she's one of the guys. I like to bust her chops, and she busts mine right back. But I've been missing more than just that, I've realized, but I can't quite put my finger on it. And like the investigator I am, I can't stand it. She's truly one of my best friends, but I don't think of her romantically really. How in hell am I gonna find a gift that'll express that?
I decided about a month ago that I wanted to get her tickets to see Wicked the musical down in Los Angeles. I know that I can’t be sure if she’s going to like Wicked as much as she loved the Wizard of Oz as a child, but I already took the chance. She did call me last night, to tell me that she finished the book and thought it was one of the most beautiful stories she’s ever read, so I think that I made a safe purchase with my money. Since I ordered the tickets a few days ago, I had the insight to buy three tickets so she can take Ryan, and probably Grissom with her. There’s a small thrift store that I know about on Chestnut Street that I decided to stop in, on my way. I know that the tickets, all six hundred dollars worth of them, will be a great gift but I just want to do something with the presentation. I know it’s not exactly the most manly thing in the world to know where a decent thrift store is, but I do have five sisters after all. I found the place with Mary when she was here on her last visit. I take the few turns and pull up in the parking lot.
It takes ten or fifteen minutes of perusal on the shelves I spot the perfect thing. It’s a music box with a cover that looks like a slightly topographical map of the land of Oz. When it’s opened you see the figures of Glinda and the Wicked Witch in the center with a host of other character dancing around them, the background features a silhouette of Dorothy. The song it plays, I know from spending time with my nieces over Christmas, is “For Good” the final song from the musical.
I snatch the music box up, and hand the cashier the five dollars to cover the cost - practically free compared to the $200 tickets they'll hold. I smile as I make my way back to the truck and sift through my wallet on the way, knowing that Sara will absolutely love my gift. Is it normal that I find so much joy bringing even an inkling of happiness and hope into her day? Lord knows she must get so bored and disheartened, sitting in that hospital room all day long. I know I did, when I had a prolonged stay after the events that unfolded a couple years ago now.
I find the three tickets, which I've tucked away safely in my wallet and stare at them proudly as I turn the ignition, particularly that $200 price tag on the stub of each of them. My heart suddenly drops, realizing that Sara will see the price on her ticket. Two hundred dollars? That's the amount of money a parent might spend on a child, or a boyfriend might splurge on his girl for an anniversary, but a friend on a friend? Will she think it's too much? I clear my throat and place the three tickets inside the slightly worn music box - it's a comfortable wear, like its last owner has loved it well. I'm almost sure that she'll find the box just as wonderful as the tickets themselves.
About ten minutes later, I pull into the garage next to the hospital and find a spot. I pick up my pace a little, mostly because I can't wait to give Sara her gift, but I don't want to appear over-zealous. My feet take me along the familiar path towards the elevator, up to her floor, and finally to her room. As always, I hear a faint hum of a voice from outside her doorway. There's always someone there with her, whether it's Grissom, Alex, Ryan, or someone from the team. I knock politely as I step into the doorway to find Sara looking quite fragile and bored. Alexander is sitting in one of the chairs next to Ryan, and appears to be helping him with some school work.
I haven’t exactly met Ryan and Alexander yet, but I do know that they have the habit of being here all the time. It was easy for me to decide which of the people occupying Sara’s room was her son, and which was her husband. I smile and walk into the room, where I trigger Alexander to stop quizzing Ryan as he prepares for some test, and everyone looks up at me. Ryan stands and extends a hand for me to shake. I oblige quickly and then walk past him to wrap Sara up in a hug for greeting. Something about the grin I see on her face, excitement to see me, makes me feel like I should squeeze her as tightly as I possibly can. The deep hug must have been exactly what she wanted because before I have time to pull away she whispers in my ear that she missed me. I haven’t been here in a week, but the sensation of knowing that Sara actually missed me does something to my mind that I can’t quite conceive. I pull away from her gingerly, allowing the secret that passed from her lips to my ears to remain private.
I can see a little twinkle her eye as I pull up a chair next to her bedside. It feels nice to feel wanted. The fact that she missed me makes me feel like a little kid being praised. I feel like I'd do anything to keep pleasing this woman before me. Anything I could do for her I would without hesitation. She deserves that.
"How are things going?" I ask before I can stop myself. It's a standard greeting, but in this situation not quite appropriate. Things don't change so much from day to day, and I feel like maybe I've reminded her of her situation, and what happened to her by this simple question. She sighs, preparing herself to robotically answer it with a 'The doctors say I'm improving' or 'I'm feeling a bit better', when I stop her.
"Sorry. That was lame." I tell her, and she offers me a little smile in agreement. I really want to ask her about Grissom, and about if he's proposed to her yet. She sure isn't acting like someone's just proposed to her. I see her eye wandering to the box I have in my hand, which is hard to hide.
"I brought you something." I announce with a childish amount of promising foreshadowing. Sara smiles, her little gap showing momentarily as she waits.
"You're just full of surprises." She tells me as she shakes her head.
She reaches out to take the box from me and a glint from her left hand tears my eyes from her jubilant face and commands my attention. Grissom must have already proposed because she’s wearing an engagement ring. Moreover a rather tasteless engagement ring, did Grissom actually think that Sara would be bought off with a gaudy fake diamond set in such an elaborately overdone orangey-gold band? I feel sick. I don’t know why, but it’s this overpowering feeling like I want to vomit that has filled my stomach. I’m tempted to ask her what the hell she was thinking when she begins to open the box. I see her brown eyes glow like the ring she deserves would and I decide not to think about anything but taking in the look in her face when she sees what’s inside.
Her mouth gapes adorably, and her lips soon take on the form of a full-out Sara Sidle smile. Her eyes and her whole face glows as she picks up the three pieces of paper inside. I know the $600 is well-spent when she looks at me a moment later - her eyes are full of such love and appreciation.
"Nick!" She exclaims like a bubbly teenager who's just been invited to the prom. "Oh my God! What the hell?" She asks in true Sara-ness.
I have to chuckle at her excitement and expression - it warms my heart to see her smiling and know I'm responsible for it.
"It's three tickets for The Wicked in LA." I explain, as if she can't read, but also for the other two men in the room who are wondering what has Sara so excited. "They're open tickets, so you can go whenever you decide." I'm cut off when Sara throws her arms around me, not at all shy this time to show her emotion.
"Nick, this is so great!" She exclaims, still holding on to me. I rub my hand up and down her back and notice footsteps behind me. Not that I'm going overboard, but I pull away and place a single quick kiss to her forehead - something I do on occasion. Alex comes around to the other side of the bed, smiling a little, wondering what has Sara so excited. She thrusts the tickets into his hand.
Sara suddenly realizes that even though I introduced myself quickly to her son, I haven’t been formally introduced to Alexander and Ryan. Sara pushes me away from her. I can tell it’s because she remembered the ring on her finger. She looks at Alexander, and closes a hand gently around his.
“This is Nick,” she tells him. “He’s the one who brings me books all the time, I’d go insane without him. He’s a dear friend.”
“I’m Alexander.” The man extends a hand in greeting, “Sara’s uh... well... I’m not sure anymore.”
Sara tickle-grabs him in the stomach and smirks. I'm sure she's just as confused, being proposed to by Grissom, but being married to another man. And how the hell is Alexander coping with this? Talk about being overthrown. I extend my hand across the white sheet, under which lies the woman we both care about.
"Nice to meet you." We exchange a firm shake. I then get introduced to Ryan, who must be having a bit of an off day, because he's not all that talkative and looks kind of annoyed - probably from being quizzed nonstop on whatever he's studying. He offers an unexcited hello and then lets his head rest against the back of the chair. Poor kid, having to be away from home for so long, and to live the rest of the time away from his own mother. Alexander must be pretty strict with the kid, because he clears his throat and shoots Ryan a bit of a look. Ryan sighs and sits up straighter, going back to his studying.
"I loooove The Wizard of Oz, Nick. This is perfect." She oozes, reading the ticket over again.
“How could I forget?” I ask and flash her a happy grin.
She’s smiling and I guess that’s more than I could really ask. I haven’t had the chance to see her smile this way in a long time, not since before the whole incident. I feel a great deal of pleasure knowing that I’m at least partly responsible for making that smile return.
Alexander takes me aside, before I’ve been there too long and asks me a favor. Apparently he hasn’t had the chance to ask any of Sara’s other friends because Grissom is the one that’s usually here, or Catherine and she just seems too occupied with her daughter. He tells me that he’d like to go and pick up a few things in the interest of cutting the expenses of staying long term in Vegas
and he tells me that he’s wondering if I wouldn’t mind giving him a ride to a few stores. He wants a portable refrigerator, some groceries, some clothing items for Ryan, and maybe an X-box or
Playstation for the kid. As much as I want to spend time with Sara I agree that we can socialize a bit longer with her in her room and then that I’d be glad to help him out.
I follow Alex back into the room, and see him wander over to Ryan to have a few words with him. That gives me a chance to have a little more one on one time with Sara. The sunlight is shining through the window just by her bed, and I can't remember the last time she looked so beautiful. She seems to be getting more hope back lately, though it comes and goes. As I come close to her bed, she starts singing 'Somewhere Over the Rainbow', in her adorable, slightly off-key voice. I grin at her as I sit next to her once again.
"I would tell you how awful your voice is, but my mother taught me not to make fun of invalids." I tease her, receiving a surprisingly hard punch in the bicep.
"You used to tell me I had a nice voice." She counters my insult, and I know just what she's talking about. Sara sings randomly working on cases, something she says she can't control, and honestly she does have a pretty good voice, but, as I said, we like to bust each other's chops.
"I'm teasin'." I assure her, and we both overhear Alex and Ryan's exchange just a few feet away.
"Ryan having a tough time?" I ask softly, because neither of the men sound too happy as they're talking. Sara nods and twirls her engagement ring around on her finger slightly.
"I think he's just bored. I don't blame him. Alex just wants to make sure he's getting his work done."
There are things I’m feeling right now. Things that have all taken ablaze in the last few days, since Grissom mentioned that he might propose to her. Listening to her sing, seeing her with a child, her child, watching her smile. These things weren’t right, she was someone’s fiancé now after all.
I decide, in hopes that I can sway my mind from the inappropriate places it was taking me, to let Sara tell me about her son and his accomplishments for the remainder of our time together. I can tell that the life she left behind in California was beautiful, she was a mother and a wife to two people that she couldn’t possibly love any more. How could Alexander let someone like her go? And why would she run away to someone so undeserving of her love as Grissom? Not that it’s my place to say who she should be with and who she shouldn’t, she’s only my friend, right?
Alexander wanders over eventually, after smoothing things over with Ryan, apparently. The man must be a good father, because Ryan's demeanor has changed drastically now. His features seemed to have lightened, and he looks set now to continue with his work and hang out with his mom, as I'm sure Alexander has explained. Alexander leans down and presses a tender kiss to Sara's cheek, much like I did earlier on her forehead. Somehow it doesn't surprise me that so many men seem to adore Sara. She's got two guys who want to be called her husband, and I know
Warrick and I sure care about her deeply.
"Nick agreed to take me around town for a while to run a few errands." Alex tells her in a bit of a murmur. Sara nods and glances at me, smiling.
"Well, that's very nice of him, to take you on a date." She teases some more.
"Ha ha." Alex gives her a playful glare. "Ryan's sticking around to tackle some more geometry."
Sara nods affirmatively and smiled up at her husband and then at me. I can’t help but observe that she kind of looks at us the same, but I can’t quite put my finger on what that means. It’s probably just all the boredom of being in the hospital, her being all excited to see me, and the way she’s smiling at me. Right now I can’t believe I’ve never much paid attention to the way she smiles at ‘just friends.’ Then again, if that’s the ‘just friends’ smile, why is she looking at Alexander that way? Even if they had just started out as deer friends, wouldn’t that relationship evolve over sixteen years? So, that means that in the eight years of our friendship we’ve developed a deep bond right? I guess I can’t deny we have a bond, but it’s not fair of me to be questioning feelings right now. Sara is getting married, so whatever’s confusing me, and whatever I think I see, or I want to see behind her eyes... that’s going to have to be my little secret.
“Have fun, you two.” She wishes us as she gives Alexander’s hand a tender squeeze. I have the sudden urge to touch Sara, because through this ordeal and through my nightmare also, I’ve learned to show the people you care about that you love them. I settle for a friendly rub on her forearm. She puts her hand over mine and gives me another gap-toothed smile that always warms my heart.
“Don’t go running off anywhere.” I tell her, feeling a smile forming on my face. That’s me and Sara’s relationship to a T – giving each other a hard time playfully. She gives me a playful punch to my arm as I walk away, chuckling.
I lead the way down the hall, and hold the elevator open to let Alexander enter before me. It’s a politeness that men don’t usually share with each other, but the two of us already have something in common, a deep caring for Sara. Besides, I assume that not many of the people he’s met since he has been here have tried to be very nice to him. So, in an attempt to make think that Sara hasn’t taken up with a group of egotistical jerks, I decide to give the whole welcoming thing a try. We’re standing in the elevator, and I’m looking at the numbered buttons as the lights click down. Though I want to be welcoming, it’s hard for me to dredge up warm feelings towards him. I’ve decided, to let him break the ice and be the first one to speak. Too bad I think he might have made the same decision about me.
It’s hard to say who exactly is the “host”. We’re at a hospital – not exactly anyone’s turf. Sure, I live in Las Vegas, but Alexander has practically taken up home in that hospital room. I decide, after almost fifteen seconds of silence, to break it, since he is the one in town visiting, and I’m the Vegas resident.
“Sara’s doing better, don’t you think?” I strike up the conversation about the one thing I know we have in common. Alex’s face forms a smile and he nods affirmatively.
“Yeah, I’m so glad there’s finally an end in sight to her hospital stay. It’s been rough on her, being all cooped up.” I can tell that Alexander knows her as well as anyone close to her. Sara’s not the type to just sit around being a victim. It seems like she’s really perked up, knowing that soon she’ll be out of that mini-prison of a hospital bed, and back to a normal life.
The elevator dings and the door opens to the first floor. I lead the way out, and we fall into a comfortable side-by-side stride. “Yeah, I’m sure she’ll be glad to get back to work.”
Alexander chuckles a little, and I can tell it’s not out of happiness. “Well, between us, I’m glad she’s been away from work for a while. What you guys do is so dangerous. I worry about her all the time.”
I nod in understanding, wondering how this guy can live in another state, while his wife with a dangerous job lives alone in one of the most unsafe cities in the country.
“I’d like to tell you that our job is pretty safe, which I guess compared to being a patrol officer it is, but the truth is we’ve had some pretty terrible things happen to CSI’s over the years.” I assume that Sara has been pretty open with him about our work life, even though I don’t know how accurate the assumption is. “But... I don’t think that any of us would trade our jobs in for the world. It’s really satisfying work.”
“Sara tells me about a lot of the cases, especially the ones that really get to her.” Alexander tells me, rubbing a hand through his hair. “Sometimes I want to tell her to stop, to leave CSI and get another job, but I know that helping people that way makes her happy.”
Alexander really was a wise man when it came to Sara. He knew that Sara’s life was her work. She got a deep satisfaction about speaking for the victim and solving cases. It was her calling in life, and she was truly great at her job. But if it was my wife seeing and doing the kinds of things I do every day, I don’t know if I could handle it. I suddenly feel myself having deep respect for Alexander, the way he can take a step back and let Sara live the way she wants, even if it causes a lot of hurt and worry for him.
“Well, she really is one of our best CSI’s. She shows me up all the time.” I tell him honestly as I use the clicker to unlock my truck in the garage. We both climb into the truck and I start up the ignition.
“I just hope she’ll be more careful from now on. You do have the woman who did that to her locked away, right?”
“Oh, yeah. Caught her later on that evening. She’ll be locked up for a long time.” I assure him. I know that all the CSI’s, Grissom especially, will be damn sure we get Natalie the harshest sentence possible. You don’t come after one of our own and get off easy. I clear my throat, and try to change the conversation to something more pleasant.
“So, you wanna go to the grocery store and then where else?”
“Well, I’d like to pick Rye up a few more pairs of jeans and shirts, you know?” He tells me, “We’ve been here a while longer than we expected and I think he’d be more comfortable in something he hasn’t worn every day for a while.”
“Ahh, well we could go to a Target, they have clothes and some food, and a few other necessities there” I tell him. I can tell by the way he and his son dress and carry themselves that neither of them have probably ever stepped foot into a target, or any other form of department store. “Or, if you’d be more comfortable, there’s a mall on the other side of town. There’s more variety there.”
“Oh, well whatever’s easier is fine. I just want to make sure he’s set, I have court in three days and I’ll have to go back home for about a week.”
Man, this guy is a saint. I have a few friends who have kids of their own, but this guy seems to take it to a whole other level. I can tell how much he loves his kid, and that it tears him up he has to live without his mom. If there were more fathers in the world like this guy, I wouldn't have a job, which I think in that case, I wouldn't mind so much.
“Well, he seems to be a really well adjusted kid.” I tell him honestly. “I know quite a few teenagers, and none of them are as well-behaved as Ryan. And he seems really happy.”
Well, Lindsey is my main comparison here. And no offense to Cath, but she can be a bit of a hellion at times. Ryan seems to be a saint in comparison to Lindsey’s ways.
“Thanks, Nick. He’s a pretty good kid, I think, but of course he has his moments. Do you have children?”
God knows how much I wish I did. I see guys my age with their kids – some even have teenagers – and I can’t help but wonder what it’s like to have someone love you and completely depend on you the way a kid does. When I see families together, I wonder if I’ll ever get to that point; if I’ll ever meet someone I want to have kids with. I desperately want a family, but the right woman just hasn’t come along for me yet, and through it all, I can’t help but wonder if my chance of becoming a father is dwindling away with each passing day.
Not having kids sometimes really sucks. I have five sisters and a brother, all of which are married, and the only one without kids already, Julia, just told me that she’s officially pregnant again. This will be her second attempt at a child, unfortunately she miscarried her first. I’m pretty sure that she’s not telling our parents until Thanksgiving, but still, I’m the last of seven brothers and sisters, and I’m not even in a relationship, let alone married and expecting a child. Having sixteen nieces and nephews is nice sometimes. You can always take the kids back to their parents when they are being bad, but I wouldn’t mind a troublemaker so much, as long as he or she was my little troublemaker.
I know, well I have a pretty good idea, that this is an absolutely terrible suggestion. Grissom certainly should be the one to make the offer, but I decide to go for it.
“I don’t know what you plans are, but Ryan’s welcome to stay at my place until you get back from California, if you and Sara want.”
Alexander glances over at me, I sense a bit surprisingly, at my offer. “That’s awfully nice of you.” He tells me as I drive towards the mall. “I wouldn’t want to impose on you, though.” Alex says politely.
“No, it’s not a problem at all.” I assure him. “I have a spare bedroom in my apartment, and it’s in a good neighborhood. He could come to the lab with me if he’d like, or he can just hang out at my place and do homework.”
“Wow, that’s quite an offer.” He runs a hand over his hair in thought. True, he doesn’t know me very well, but I think he can tell that Sara trusts me implicitly. I truly think that Ryan won’t be a problem at all, the way he behaves in public. And it’ll only be a few days; it’s not like I’m adopting the kid.
“Please don’t feel like you’d be imposing. Really. I enjoy having a little company every once in a while.” It’ll sure be interesting living with a teenager for a few days, if Alexander accepts, which I think he will.
“Well, God knows I’d like to accept.” He says to me with a laugh. “But, I should probably talk to Sara about it first. I think she was hoping that he’d stay with Grissom for a few days, you know, because of the engagement and all. He will be Ryan’s step father.”
He is obviously trying to have a good sense of humor about the whole concept of Grissom and Sara getting married, but I can tell that he, like me, feels more than a little uncomfortable with the idea. I couldn’t imagine losing my wife, or any woman like Sara, to a man and then having to share my child with him.
I nod. This was precisely what I was thinking he’d say. I decide just to leave one more word of offering out there and then let the issue alone “Well, he’s more than welcome.”
“Yeah, well believe me, I want to take you up on the offer but... I just don’t know if it would be appropriate.” he tells me. I’ve heard rumors about this family’s obsession with politeness and proper public form, but I just don’t know how they do it.
I turn into the mall parking lot, and Alex and I fall into a comfortable silence as I search for a parking spot. I pull into an open spot and the two of us head into the building. I’ve had to buy enough Christmas and birthday presents for my nieces and nephews to know where all the stores teens like to shop at are. One of my nieces once gave me a mini-tutorial on where was okay to shop for teenagers. So, the educated shopper that I was, I led Alexander into American Eagle first.
I’m surprised at how easily I seem to get along with Alexander. We’re not just sharing small talk, as I find out that he’s also a Dallas Cowboys fan, and that he has family in Texas. I can’t shake the feeling that I actually like the guy, and think we could be good friends if we lived in the same town. We spend about forty-five minutes at the mall, and after trips into Hollister, Abercrombie, and PacSun, we head back to my truck.
We breeze through the rest of the errands and on our way out of the last store, an upper scale grocery store, Alexander sees a flower display. He grabs a bouquet of white roses, and asks the clerk behind the florist stand to wrap them up in green and silver tissue paper. He gives the lady a nod and a twenty dollar bill, and without waiting for change greets me at the sliding glass doors at the front of the building. I laugh at him a little bit. Sara Sidle is going to be spoiled by the way all of the men in her life dote upon her.
“Man, she gets more gifts than a rich kid at Christmas.” I say to him with a laugh. “I mean, her room is littered with gifts from the men in her life, Warrick brings her movies and he got her that bear. Grissom and all of those flowers. I bring her books. Greg, I don’t know if you’ve met him or not, but he brings her chocolates and food. And now you... and roses.”
“She’s lucky that she’s got so many people around here that care about her.” He says, deciding to be grateful and not jealous. We’re back in the car and on our way back towards the hospital as we finish the conversation. “I think I’ll sleep a lot better now, now that I know how great Sara has it here, and how much her friends care about her.”
“She’s got a lot of people in her corner,” I say, turning down the last street before the hospital. “But that doesn’t change anything, what happened to her... It should never have happened.”
“Well, I’m just glad she has good people around her. Thanks for being there for her.” He tells me as I turn into the garage.
“My pleasure.” I reply. Nothing makes me feel better than helping other people, especially people I care deeply about like Sara. It’s just not in me to let Sara suffer without trying to help her, just like she helped me after my ordeal. Sara knows I’m there if she needs me, whether it’s just hanging out and talking, or sneaking her in a bar of chocolate.
Soon, we’re back in the hospital room with Sara and Ryan, who has since finished his geometry homework. He rolls his eyes a bit when he sees the labeled bags. I get the sense that Ryan doesn’t like his father shopping for him, but like most guys, I doubt he really likes shopping trips.
“Oh, God. You bought me clothes?” Ryan plopped the novel he was now reading while his father set the bags down on the floor. Alexander took out a pair of pants he’d found at Hollister and unfolded them, holding them out for his son’s approval.
“Not bad.” Ryan nodded in approval as he stood to check out what was in the other bags.
“Are you gonna show us?” Sara asked her son. Ryan gives his mother a look. “Do I look like a girl to you?”
I’m about to make some sort of comment to the teen about how I think his father did a pretty okay job picking out clothes when I hear the familiar ring of Sara’s cell phone. It had taken the efforts of almost all of Sara’s friends for her to manage to keep her cell phone in the hospital room. The three men in Sara’s room listened to her speak to the caller for a few minutes before she told the person on the other end of the line that she’d talk to Ryan about it, whatever it was, and call back in a few minutes. With a quick thank you she said goodbye and snapped her phone closed.
She then turned and gave Ryan a half grin. She knew that she’d be in hot water with her son if she didn’t start explaining right away. “That was Catherine, you remember her right babe? Well her daughter said that there’s a party tonight, she thought you might want to come.”
Ryan reaches up and smoothes some of his hair down, as if suddenly afraid that he isn’t presentable at the mere mention of a girl his age. The poor kid has probably been so cut off from people his age he doesn’t know how to relate to them any more. I can’t tell right away if he’s happy about this or not. His mother just kind of made a play date with him. However, she had also made an effort to get him out of the hospital and have some sort of a social life.
“That’d be cool.” He tells his mother, nodding. “What’s she like?”
Sara looks at me with a sort of amused expression, knowing she’ll relate to how she’s feeling. How to describe Lindsey? She’s probably just like her mother was at that age – always worrying her parents to death, flirty, sometimes talked back. But of course other times she was perfectly pleasant, like the little girl who used to come into the lab with Catherine, smiling and bright-eyed.
“Well, you’ve met Catherine. She’s got the same hair and looks. Takes ballet. She’s pretty popular at school, I think, so she probably knows some more people you can hang out with while you’re here. Very friendly.”
Not too friendly, I hope. Lindsey’s very into the flavor of the week, and hope that she won’t treat Ryan that way. He’s too good of a kid to be blown off later by someone like Lindsey; to be used. And while I care about Lindsey, I can’t help but feel like giving her a little phone call to warn her to handle Ryan with care. Surely, Catherine has already told her about what’s going on in Ryan’s life.
“Popular.” Ryan says in response to my description and then rolls his eyes. He looks as though he might be sick, and I’m forced to gather that he doesn’t co-mingle very well with the more popular crowd “She’s not a cheer leader is she?”
“Nah, nothing like that.” I assure the kid as Sara and I both try to stifle a laugh at the thought of Lindsey cheer-leading. She’s popular in the sense that she’s always getting invited to parties and stuff. The truth is, she couldn’t be less school oriented unless she didn’t actually go. I haven’t known that child to do a single extra-curricular activities sponsored by the school since she roped Warrick and I into chaperoning her fourth grade camping trip. The ballet is something she started when she was so small I’m not sure I ever remember a time when she wasn’t doing it but she makes sure to tell anyone who makes the confusion that it is absolutely not a school related group.
“Babe, she’s really down to earth. She makes a lot of friends and knows just about everybody in the town, sometimes even I’m surprised by how many people she knows,” Sara jumps in, saving me from my complete failure in describing my ‘niece.’ “Trust me sweetie, I think you’ll really like her. She’s got a lot more in common than you’d think. She likes to read, she’s great at math, she’s really interested in science. She’s just... a little less willing to show that side of herself to just anyone.”
Ryan looks back and forth between Sara and I suspiciously, looking a bit worried. "You guys are talking like there's something you're covering up. She's not crazy or anything is she?”
I clear my throat in amusement and look over at Sara, who looks just as amused. It’s not that she’s a bad kid…it’s just that she’s a free spirit. After knowing Ryan for an abbreviated amount of time, I can sense that he’s not into that type of girl, but at a time like this – when he’s been uprooted from all he’s known – he’s a bit desperate for anyone to call a friend.
No, Ryan.” Sara chuckled in response, but Ryan doesn’t look that relieved yet. “She’s just very energetic; very free-spirited.” When Sara sees that her son still isn’t convinced she shakes her head at him in amusement.
“We’re not asking you to marry her, Ryan. We just thought you might like to get out with someone your age.”
Ryan nods and looks at me, surprisingly, for more reassurance. I give him a smile. “She’s a nice kid, Rye. But if you feel like leaving, you can always give me a call and I’ll pick you up.” I offer him.
The teenager takes all this information into consideration and thinks for a few moments, then turns to his mother. “Okay, mom. I guess I’ll go.”
Sara smiles, seemingly glad that Ryan is agreeing to a little social time. “Great! I’ll call Catherine.”
“Hey Sar,” I say to her with an overly exaggerated whisper as she puts the phone to the ear. I know I’m making those overly foolish hand gestures that people always make when they are talking to someone who is on the phone. “Tell Catherine that I don’t mind dropping him off, if it’s easier for her.”
Sara gives me some sort of nod, whispers the word great, smiles at me, and gives me a thumbs up. I assume this is code for she received the message and she’ll transfer it as soon as she can. The display was so funny that she has Ryan, Alexander, and I laughing through gritted teeth.
While Sara is on the phone, trying to locate Catherine, I watch Ryan move across the room and lean towards his father and ask a question. From the way he’s pointing at his head and the clothing bag across the room from him, I assume that it’s some sort of request for a shower. My suspicions are confirmed when Alexander walks over to me and tells me quietly that he and Ryan are going back to the hotel to have a quick dinner and so Ryan can wash up. He tells me, also, that he’d like it if I’d have Sara call him with a time to meet back at he hospital so I can give Ryan a ride. I nod in understanding and wave them out of the room.
I’m left with the revelation that I’m now alone in the room with Sara. Well, alone with a large array of flowers, balloons, chocolate, and books, that is. I turn from where I’m sitting next to her high hospital bed and smirk at one of my best friends. She mirrors my expression, something that she couldn’t bring herself to do not long ago.
“I can’t believe I had to convince my own son to go out with a girl.” She confesses jokingly as she adjusts herself a bit on the surely uncomfortable mattress. As a reflex of my upbringing, I assist her the best I can, fluffing up her pillow and making sure it’s in just the right spot behind her back as I answer her.
“Well, I don’t blame him for being suspicious, the way we were describing Lindsey.”
Sara lets out a bit of a dry laugh. “Well, I don’t think I’d even want them dating, no offense to Catherine, but going out a few times while Ryan’s here won’t hurt.”
I nod and find myself just staring at her face. I’ve seen her face so many times, but lately, I think because we almost lost her, I’ve been trying to notice the little things I love about Sara. Like that tiny gap between her perfectly white teeth; the way her eyebrow quirks up when she’s confused, and how she frowns when she’s deep in thought.
Having five sisters, I know what kinds of things my devotion to memorizing her face implies. Becky and Mary, the two sisters I talk to most often, have been teasing me for years about my crush on my co-worker. I’ve denied it implicitly, of course, for just as many years. Greg was the one with the crush on Sara, this has always been my argument, as though it’s a strong one. That, and the fact that while Greg was the one with the crush, Grissom was the one with her heart. Well, Greg’s crush fizzled into deep admiration and a quirky friendship years ago and I’m starting to questions the power that Grissom holds over her. So, do I have a crush on Sara Sidle? How in the hell should I know? If you ask my sisters, yes. If you asked Greg, what I feel for her is probably some sort of deep friendship. Asking me, however, is absolutely useless because I don’t have a clue.
I just came to the sudden realization that I’ve been standing over the head of Sara’s bed, hands wrapped up in her pillow, looking down at her with a dopey and absent look on my face. Either she’s going to start getting the wrong idea, or she’s going to think I’m high. I clear my throat and decide to play a cheap card and save face the only way I can think of.
“Uhh sorry... I was... I was thinking about the accident. I’m really glad you’re here Sara.” It’s a bold faced lie, I wasn’t thinking about the accident at all, but I find solace in my assumption that she’ll believe it.
She gazes right back at me, and I wish I could read her mind right now. Does she ever have fleeting moments like this, when she wonders if she has a crush on me? As she looks at me directly in the eye, I think it just may be possible, but I’m too chicken to do anything about it.
“Yeah. Me too.” She whispers after a bit of a pause. “Thanks for hanging out with me. I know it must be boring to watch a bed-ridden workaholic laying around trying not to go crazy.”
I chuckle a little at her humor, which she’s managed to keep through all of this. “My pleasure.” I answer honestly, hoping she isn’t being freaked out by my behavior. I know I love Sara as a friend, but I can’t shake the feeling today that I have special feelings inside for her; feelings I don’t have for other females in my life, like Catherine and Mandy and Wendy. Why are they working their way to the surface now? And do they really mean anything? I mean, how many girls in my life have I had little fleeting crushes on, which turn out to be nothing?
I give her the Texan grin that I discovered a long time ago always has the ability to put a smile on her face big enough to expose that gap in her teeth. Then, realizing that I’m cascading myself into dangerous territory a I step back from her bed side just a few inches, and pull a chair up beneath me. As I sit here I know that I have to get her talking about something, so she doesn’t get freaked out by all of this weird attention I suddenly have the desire to give her. So, I ask her what she thinks about the book, Wicked, which seems to work to my advantage. She goes into detail about how she loved the passage near the end of the first section, the part about the baby witch and the beast beneath the bridge.
I’m not paying her any attention though. Well, I’m paying her a lot of attention, but not to her words. I’m looking at the edge of her casted arm and where it sits on her body right now. Laying across her abdomen, leading its way dangerously close to her breasts. Crush or not, I realize, if I’m staring at her cleavage while she’s laying in a hospital bed, something’s going on in my mind. It’s weird that I don’t notice the arm that I’m watching move, but before I know it she’s slipped her fragile hand down and rested it on top of mine where it rests on my leg, she squeezes but doesn’t let go.
“Nick.” She says to me and I can tell she’s about to ask me what’s on my mind, but decides not to. Maybe she believed my fib about feeling especially wounded that I might have lost her and she’s trying to console me, to show me she’s right there. Maybe she just wants to touch me. Maybe could mean a lot of things in this situation, and I don’t have any idea as to what.
She doesn’t get a chance to finish her sentence because there’s a knock at the door, ruining the moment. Sara whips her hand away so fast, that it makes me wonder if the touch of her hand was somehow inappropriate. I mean, we’ve touched each other on the hand and arm before. It’s not like I was groping her. What the hell am I talking about? A moment? I know I’m over-thinking this too much. When I turn around, I realize why Sara snatched her hand back so fast.
Grissom walks in with a fresh bouquet of sweet-smelling flowers to add to the collection. Sara beams at him, her face slightly reddened. I wonder if it’s because she thought touching me had gone too far. To be frank, I kind of enjoyed it. I clear my throat and give Grissom a nod and step back as he leans down and plants a kiss on her lips right in front of me. I’m reminded, quite bluntly, that whatever feelings I’m having are in vain. At the end of the day, Sara belongs to Grissom.
MacsGirlMel
Mac's Personal Assistant
Re: Symphony of Change by Bauerfreak and LostLadyKnight
awww poor Nicky
Please post more soon!
awww poor Nicky
Please post more soon!