Re: "Yeah... whatever!" -- I Am the Better Man: As told by G
Thanks for all who have glimpsed at it at fanfiction.net!
I understand some people do not want to click on links to view it, though, so I'll post it chapter by chapter here.
We'll take it a bit at a time. :3 This fic has twenty chapters. Do tell me what you think!
Disclaimer: CSI: Crime Scene Investigation is © Anthony E Zuiker/CBS. None of these characters belong to me. One instance in this chapter is from the series, episode “You Kill Me;” everything else is a play-off. Whatever happens besides is coincidental. Enjoy! :]
I Am the Better Man
Chapter 1
“Did you hear?”
“Hear what?”
“Sara left.”
I turned away from my locker for a second and looked at Nick, processing what he had just said and the look on his face as he looked up at me from the bench. I loosened up and gave a small chuckle, looking back inside my locker and taking off my jacket. Nick, Nick, Nick… always trying to tease me. Why must you torture me so?
“Haha, good one, Nick – “
“I’m serious, Greg.”
I looked at him again. The way he was talking was extremely serious and subdued; I could barely believe it was him. If I didn’t know he was there, I would have thought he was my boss or something. The smile on my face had disappeared. An uncomfortable silence seemed to have made itself comfortable in between Nick and I, stuck. Not sure how long it lasted, but I didn’t like its company.
“You’re not… you can’t be serious…” I closed my locker slowly, my gaze still on Nick. He pursed his lips, as he usually does when he’s sure of things, and started working on tying his shoes on the bench.
“Yeah, needed time away I heard… she was really stressed out. I can understand. After that case with Hannah and Marlon… it was hell the first time, but to see them again? It’s a wonder I’m still here, with everything you get out of this job.” Nick finished with his left foot, set it down on the floor and raised his right foot onto the bench, working on those laces now.
“She was stressed out…” I repeated those words to myself, more than a thousand times it seems in my head. I sat down slowly on the bench next to Nick, staring at the locker in front of me. I stared at the scratches on it, I could barely make out a butterfly… “Why didn’t she tell me?”
“She didn’t tell me,” Nick answered, making a content face at his shoes. I turned my head to face him, a little confused.
“Then who told you?”
“Catherine.” Catherine seems like the sort of person Sara would tell… but at the same time she doesn’t. I asked again to make sure:
“And who told her?”
“Grissom.”
Grissom. I paused, hoping in my head Warrick had told Grissom about Sara’s departure. Or even Hodges. Just not directly to Grissom… “Who told Grissom?”
“Sara wrote him a letter. Apparently it was…” I didn’t hear much after that. My heart plunged. Never felt so hard to swallow my own spit. Of course I knew about Sara’s relationship with Grissom – the whole lab knew! Doesn’t mean I was hunky-dory with it. I was kinda-sorta happy because I thought Sara was happy, and that’s all that mattered to me. That she was happy. But to find out that she had left because she was stressed, needed time away, that she wasn’t happy. That hurt… that hurt a lot. And what made it worse was that Grissom didn’t do anything to comfort her. With all the extra time together, you’d think Sara’s emotions would get through his thick head. If I were Grissom, I would have found a way to prevent her from leaving, prevent her from even thinking about leaving. If I were Grissom… I’d be better. For her.
But was I really the better man? I like to tell myself that. Yet with Sara’s choice… I can’t help but question it.
And then I heard Nick’s voice again, “… we should go comfort Grissom.”
“Huh?”
“You know… take him out to eat or something. He must be real hurt.”
“Hurt?” Was this person Nick I was talking to? The guy that knew I had feelings for Sara from the get-go? Who teased me for such feelings? But here he is, telling me we should comfort some other guy? Boy did my blood start to boil.
Unfortunately, I didn’t know how to leave casually without seeming like an ass, so I said, “... I think I hear the kettle calling. Blue Hawaiian… can’t waste that.”
“I don’t hear anything – “
“That’s because it’s calling to me and me only…”
“Yeah, see you around, Greg.” Fortunately, I don’t think he got it.
I got to the break room and decided a cup of coffee wouldn’t be such a bad idea. I pulled up a chair and slouched in it, leaning over my elbows on the table, playing with my fingers. Porn wasn’t of my best interest at the moment: I was trying to figure out why Sara didn’t tell me that she’d left…
As I pondered over my grief, Catherine came into the room.
“Hey Greg.”
“Hey Catherine. What’s up?”
“Ah… long day.”
“Sure is…” I sighed, inconspicuously I hoped; I didn’t really want to talk to anyone at the moment. She didn’t respond, so I thought she’d leave soon, but I guess I shouldn’t assume. She sat in the chair next to me. I could feel her eyes on my face averting hers. I realized how odd I looked just sitting there, hunched over in my chair over… nothing. Or, nothing she could see, which is why I guess she started to talk again, “You all right?”
“Yeah! Yeah. I’m all right.” Even that much was a lie.
“Listen, I don’t know if you’ve heard, but…” she trailed off, looking around through the windowed-walls of the room. Wonder who she was looking out for? I perked up a little, hoping for some lab gossip, or a hot case.
“Buuuuut…?”
“But Sara’s gone, and – “
“Oh, yeah…” I slouched again. I should have known, “horrible, isn’t it?” I looked at Catherine in the eyes, then down to my hands on the table, “The lab just doesn’t feel the same.”
“It really doesn’t.” she stood up at the sound of a bell, indicating the coffee was ready. I grinned, maybe someone was actually going to comfort me! ME! And of all people, Catherine! Who would have thought?
She brought a mug of the lovely, aromatic, Blue Hawaiian goodness to the table. Oh Catherine, you shouldn’t have, you brought the coffee to me!
And then she killed me, “Someone needs to talk to Grissom. Calm him down a bit.”
Dammit! Why? Why Catherine, why? I thought you had something for a second.
“What’s wrong with him?” I answered, irritably. She gave me a baffled look, and I returned it. Maybe she’d restate her statement.
“Are you sure there’s nothing wrong with you?” Of course there’s something wrong with me. My heart aches! How can you not tell?
“I’m… a bit upset is all.”
“Oh, Greg… we’re all upset.” What’s this? A little acknowledgement? Oh, do go on! “But don’t worry… we’ll make it through. It’s just Grissom needs the most help now, I think.”
“Why?” I snapped. I should feel bad… but I don’t.
“Where have you been? He’s suffering from heartache.”
Oh, my heart! How you ache! What? What’s that? Suffering for more than a year, and you’re still not recognized? Poor you. Life isn’t fair.
“Oh, there he is!” and with a sip of MY coffee, Catherine scurried away. I looked down at the mug. At least I almost thought it was for me.
But I don’t get it; I honestly don’t get it. For people who solve crimes for a living, looking for clues and the subtleties in life, I’m surprised these people are still employed. I crushed on Sara back then. When I felt things were getting a little intimate between her and Grissom, I still felt the same way for her, if not it grew stronger. When it was official something was going on between her and Grissom, sure I felt bad… but my affection for her never disappeared.
I looked at my reflection in the coffee and sighed deeply.
“No one understands you, Sanders. It’s a real shame…”
Then Catherine came back.
“What’s a real shame?”
Tell her. Tell her how you feel about this whole matter. How furious you are; how irritated you are; how terribly your heart aches. Make her and everyone else realize their wrongs.
“Nothing.” Idiot. Why’d I say that?
“Oh… okay. You sure?”
No. No. I’m not sure. I mean I am sure. I am sure there is something shameful in how
am being treated. I am sure!
“Yes!”
“Well, that’s good. We don’t need any more touchy people right now.”
Sanders, you messed it up again! I AM one of those “touchy people” right now! Oh… just forget it… this will all blow away soon enough. No need to make people feel like you’re insane. Just change the subject. Ask how Grissom is doing. You don’t have to say his name.
“That was quick.”
“What was quick?”
Don’t say his name.
“What you just went to do.”
“Greg, I did a lot of things in the past couple minutes.”
Really? How?
“Did you?”
“Yes.”
Don’t say his name.
“I mean… that thing you had to do… urgently… the urgent thing.” Catherine’s face showed that of realization. I grinned at my cunning. She understood!
“… did Lindsey call?”
No! She didn’t understand! Now you’re getting her scared. Ah, for heaven’s sake…
“No… Grissom.”
“Oh, well, it’s going to take a lot of time for him to deal…”
“… time?”
“… yes. As do all love-related issues.”
Wow, did I feel like yelling into a pillow. I must’ve had the most blank expression on my face, save for a pained smile. After holding her gaze for a few long seconds, I stood up and left. I even left my coffee. Without a word. Gone. Woosh. Disappeared! Just like how everyone feels my emotions towards Sara have done. God, I can’t stand all this ignorance! I just need to get home, away from all these people.
I rounded the corner, pretty damn flustered, and wouldn’t you know who just happened to be approaching me? Hope he doesn’t talk to me, doesn’t say a word to me. Don’t even acknowledge that he’s there, Greg Sanders. Just ignore him…
“G’night, Greg.”
Damn, I looked. He spoke to me. Say something sharp, Greg. Retaliate. Show him how much of a better man you are than he is. Make him regret the day he ever took Sara away from you.
“Yeah, whatever…”
… smooth, Greg. Smooth.
Chapter 2
I returned to work the next day after a restless day’s sleep. I still felt irritable, but I accepted the fact that no one could tell I was hurt. What else could I do? A real man wouldn’t sit around, waiting for people to feel sorry for him. I’m thinking this only makes me stronger, able to withstand other people’s ignorance. That way, you don’t expect anything to happen; and if something does end up happening, cope with it naturally. Nothing worse than a fake image, and I know I’m not fake.
So, in wanting to keep this real image, I kept my hair the way it was found when I rolled out of bed this morning. Doesn’t look bad or anything. In fact, it looks like a ‘do I’d normally carry. Despite that being said, I attracted many eyes from my fellow co-workers as I meandered the lab. The stares might not have been due to my hair, but to me talking to myself.
“And to our right we see the locker room, interestingly enough co-ed. Very different than how I remember it being in high school… first stop: my locker.” Narrating is fun. It was helping me keep my mind off of… other things.
And my mind was kept off of those “other things” for a good while. I must admit, I had quite a dashing smile on my face.
“Next stop: break room for case assignments!” I swung the door shut and started to make my way out of the locker room, when I found my path was obstructed by no other than Grissom himself.
Yeah. My dashing smile flew the coup.
“Hello Greg.”
‘Yeah, whatever.’ I was about to say that again, but I didn’t let that happen. No, instead I did something better: I didn’t respond at all. Doesn’t mean I left – I just didn’t say anything. But then again, I guess I wasn’t making a good impression by standing with my mouth agape either, so I pulled myself together, straightened up, licked my lips and looked him right in the eye.
“Grissom. Hey…” Oh yeah, SO much better than before, “I was just about to see you.”
“Yeah?” Grissom stepped inside the locker room and stood in front of me, his clipboard held tightly to his chest. It seems he carries that thing everywhere.
“Yeah…” Stay calm, Sanders. Don’t explode on him, “you know, for our case assignments.”
“Oh.” Did I disappoint him? I should ask.
“I do get a case today, don’t I?” Or are you going to take that away from me, too?
“Of course. Listen, Greg –“
“Hey Grissom!” Nick! Thank you Nick! Grissom turned to face Nick, who was standing in the doorway. I tip toed over Grissom’s shoulder to see Nick, and furrowed my eyebrows at the bouquet in his hands.
“Nick.” Grissom answered after a moment of silence. Nick stepped forward with a large smile on his face and gestured the flowers towards Grissom. Was this true? Could I believe what I was seeing?
“Gris, these are for you. Thought they might liven up your office with some, you know, color. Nothing like color to brighten up your day!”
I couldn’t help myself. I broke out in hysterical laughter. I should be upset, shouldn’t I? That those flowers weren’t for me, but for Grissom. I knew why they were for Grissom, the actual reason behind it, but it was way too funny. The look on Grissom’s face, the determination on Nick’s face to hand the flowers off, roses! – all too funny.
“Nick, thank you…” Grissom took the flowers slowly and sniffed them a couple times.
“Hahaha! Ooh, nothing like a few dead flowers to ‘liven up’ the mood, eh? Haha! See you guys in the break room!” And off I went, leaving the two baffled, and probably in an awkward situation. All I know is I passed Warrick on the way out of the locker room, who paused at the doorway looking from the flowers, to Grissom, then to Nick.
“… wait for me, Greg…” he said as he changed his mind, jogging up to me. I didn’t stop walking, but didn’t ignore his presence with me, “It’s been crazy here lately, hasn’t it?”
“What makes you say that?”
“Well… what with Nick giving Grissom flowers and everything. Hodges, apparently, is making a board game. Did you hear about that?”
Interesting. Hodges, a trace-geek who just might have it in for me (more than “just might,” actually), made a board game! I should try that… might be fun.
“Hodges? A board game? Why… no. That’s interesting. What’s it about?”
“It’s like Clue, but pertains to what we do in and out of the lab. It’s called ‘Lab Rats.’”
“’Lab Rats,’ huh? Sounds very interesting… could bring me back to the good old days.”
“Being cooped up in the lab? You miss being a techie, Greg?”
“In some ways…” we reached the break room and grabbed ourselves a couple of chairs. Warrick leaned back in his chair, trying to figure out how I could possibly miss being a lab geek.
“How so?”
“Well… for one thing –“
I can never finish explaining my feelings, I’ve noticed. At that point Catherine walked in with Nick and Grissom, who was still carrying his lovely bouquet from Nick. Catherine and Nick sat down with a few final words of a conversation about free time and plans. Didn’t know what they meant by that, and quite frankly, I didn’t care. I just wanted my case.
“Catherine,” the “big guy” started, handing a file to her, “you’ll be handling a case with Warrick, just in from the strip: a hit and run. Nick, Greg and I are going to investigate an alleged murder of two newly weds. Brass is waiting for us there.”
A murder, all right! So long as I’m not the one told to do all the dirty, tedious work, I’ll be fine - if that much at all. Once Catherine and Warrick left the room, I realized then with whom I was working with. Shouldn’t matter much, since technically the case is divided up between the three of us, and I’m not forced to converse…
“Coming Greggo?” Nick teased, already out the door. Grissom was still standing there. He was staring at me. I stared at him. Even though neither of us said a single word, he knew I was upset, and I knew he knew. I think he also knew why I was edgy, although I really shouldn’t assume.
I stood up and left the room without looking at Grissom, following Nick. I know I’m not forced to converse with him, but I can only delay it for so long.
