MacsGirlMel
Mac's Personal Assistant
Be nice, I haven't had this beta'd, I wanted to get it up for today. A little Mac angst combined with some Smacked goodness 
Title: Phoenix Rising
Author: Mel
Rated: G
Teaser: Mac finds new hope on a day that’s brought him so much sadness
Spoilers: none
Pairing: Smacked
Disclaimer: I don’t own them, I just borrow them.
He always hated this time of year. It was natural that the anniversary would be commemorated, but they always started talking about it near the end of August, doing news stories, TV specials, magazine articles, and now movies, all the way up until the day. Mac was rather glad he didn’t have much time for any of those things. He’d come so far back then, had finally started to pick up the pieces of his life, but as the day got closer, the wounds became fresh and raw once more and he grieved and mourned all over again, becoming something of the reserved, brooding, tormented man he’d been in the days and months after Claire had died.
On the actual anniversary, there would come the flashbacks, the haunting memories of the chaos: thick, dust-laden air, wailing sirens, raining ash and debris, the smoke-filled sky, the cries and screams and the quaking and roaring. The desperate aftermath, hoping against hope when she was found only to feel his world falling apart as he sat by her battered, dying form giving her a final kiss and touch, telling her that it was okay, to go ahead and rest, and saying a tearful goodbye.
He sat in his office after most of the lab had already left, pondering these things, when he heard a knock.
“Mac?” Stella said.
“Come in”
“I was…just wondering how you were doing…”
“All right, I guess. Wishing I didn’t have to be surrounded by reminders like this every year for weeks at a time. I mean, I know they’re going to do it, remember it and all but it’s hard to move on when every year they insist on reminding me of the whole thing for days on end.”
“You’ve done well in the face of everything you’ve been through ….” She reached out, rubbing his shoulder. “I don’t know many people who have the strength you do.” She pulled him closer to her.
“Sometimes I wonder exactly what *is* ahead for me…I know I’ve come a long way since then, and I’m happy to still be doing something meaningful with my life…my job does make me happy…but I want more. I still feel so empty, so lifeless at times. I lost so much that day…everything I dreamed of, everything I thought was in my future was suddenly gone.”
“I’m sure you’ll find your way…sometimes these things take a long time, but just remember that no matter what, you still have a meaning…you do a lot of good for a lot of people, Mac. I know sometimes it seems hopeless, like you’re going to be alone forever, but hopefully the time will come when you do feel fulfilled again, when you do find someone or something else to make you happy.”\
Mac felt so much he wanted to say, but he wasn’t sure if it was right. He could see her eyes, though, and knew that there was so much left that could not be said with words but that was loud and clear in her eyes and in his own. Swallowing hard, his heart pounding, he spoke.
“Is it wrong…I mean our jobs and everything…and I hope you don’t think I’m a total idiot…but am I wrong to think that maybe I already have found what makes me happy and just don’t know it? That maybe it’s you? I know you probably don’t feel the same way, and that’s okay, I’ll respect it if you don’t…I don’t want to lose your friendship—“
She put a hand up to shush him. “Mac, no it isn’t. It’s not wrong at all.”
“It’s not?”
“I was beginning to think you’d never come to your senses” she said. “That’s the only reason I started seeing Frankie…I thought that either you were never going to wake up or that you only saw me as a friend. I wanted to respect that so I didn’t say anything…and then Frankie happened…even though I thought he was nice, I wasn’t happy. And when he turned into a scumbag, all I really wanted was you. When I was at the hospital…afterward…I wished you were with me and it hurt when you weren’t there, but I didn’t want to pressure you.”
“Frankie…That scared me more than I can ever say…I wanted more than anything to be at the hospital with you and just hold you and never let go. I was so afraid I’d lost you that night when that call came in. But I was also sickened by the thought of you being arrested for it…I thought I could help you best by doing my job and figuring everything out and making sure you were clear. And then when you left the hospital, I was afraid to ask you to stay with me for fear of crossing lines and you not accepting the help. But I should have at least offered to let you stay with me afterward. Can you forgive me?”
“I can’t say it didn’t hurt me….but yes, I think I can. I’m just glad you finally woke up to what was happening.”
“I didn’t say anything earlier because…well first it was too soon…and then, when I was finally ready to move on with my life I was too scared to say anything because I didn’t know how you felt. I was afraid I’d ruin our friendship and lose you completely, and I didn’t want that.. Then I saw you with Frankie and I thought I was either too late, that you’d found someone else, or that I was right about you only feeling friendship for me, and that’s why I started going with Peyton.
But she’s known for some time I think that it wasn’t working…she’s a great person and we cared about each other a lot, but we weren’t in love, at least not that way. She said she wanted me to find someone who could make me as happy as I deserve to be.. And these other things…Aiden’s death…what happened to Flack…it made me realize that we don’t know how long we have and that if I didn’t say something now, I might not get the chance ever. And that was more than I could handle. Now, I’m not afraid to say it, to tell you how I feel. I love you, Stella I think I always have and was just too dense to see it until now.”
“I love you too. I never want to not have you in my life.”
“And I always want you in mine. The job, I guess…well, I think we can handle it, we’re professionals, we’ll just keep it professional at work, that’s all. The worst they can do is switch one of us to another shift, and as much as I’d hate the split, it would be worth it.”
“Yes, it would.” She chuckled “And who knows, the time might come when we have a family and I decide to stay home with the kids or at least work less, and it won’t be as big an issue.”
“You’d make a great mother.”
“I’ve always wanted a family, and you’re the one I want it with. You’ll make a great father, I know it.”
“Now, I think I *do* feel complete…I know that some of the pain will always be with me…and that no one can ever replace Claire in my heart. But now I’ve found someone to fill some of the emptiness, to make me whole again.”
“I’m glad I can be that for you. And I think Claire would be happy for you.”
“Yes, I think so.”
Later that day, after getting off shift, they drove over to the cemetery, and Mac walked out to the headstone and brushed off some of the dirt and leaves.
“I still love you, Claire, nothing will ever change that. No matter what, you’ll always be in my heart” he told her. “Moving on, it hasn’t been easy. I miss you terribly, and I always will. But now I’ve finally seen something I should have seen long ago, that the person who can heal me has been here with me all along. I think, now, I’m finally ready to start over, to open my heart and love someone else. Stella won’t replace you, no one ever can. But for the first time since I lost you, I finally feel whole and alive again. And I think…no, I know…that if you could talk to me, you’d tell me you were happy she was the one who could fill the void in my life. I don’t know what’s ahead, but I know that I love her and that she loves me, very much. She’ll take good care of me for you until…well, whatever comes next, if there is anything. It’s kind of ironic, isn’t it, that after so much heartache on this day, now something good has happened on it.”
Mac talked to Claire for a short while longer, and then said a quiet goodbye, and moved back down the path toward Stella, who took him into her arms. He couldn’t escape the irony as they held each other close…This day had been so full of tragedy and pain for him, its events had brought so much sadness and emptiness into his life. But now, even as he cried tears of sadness for what he had lost, he also cried tears of joy for what he had found.Sept.11th had brought a glimmer of new hope, of something beautiful and wonderful rising from the ashes like the mythical phoenix…The hope of a new beginning.
Title: Phoenix Rising
Author: Mel
Rated: G
Teaser: Mac finds new hope on a day that’s brought him so much sadness
Spoilers: none
Pairing: Smacked
Disclaimer: I don’t own them, I just borrow them.
He always hated this time of year. It was natural that the anniversary would be commemorated, but they always started talking about it near the end of August, doing news stories, TV specials, magazine articles, and now movies, all the way up until the day. Mac was rather glad he didn’t have much time for any of those things. He’d come so far back then, had finally started to pick up the pieces of his life, but as the day got closer, the wounds became fresh and raw once more and he grieved and mourned all over again, becoming something of the reserved, brooding, tormented man he’d been in the days and months after Claire had died.
On the actual anniversary, there would come the flashbacks, the haunting memories of the chaos: thick, dust-laden air, wailing sirens, raining ash and debris, the smoke-filled sky, the cries and screams and the quaking and roaring. The desperate aftermath, hoping against hope when she was found only to feel his world falling apart as he sat by her battered, dying form giving her a final kiss and touch, telling her that it was okay, to go ahead and rest, and saying a tearful goodbye.
He sat in his office after most of the lab had already left, pondering these things, when he heard a knock.
“Mac?” Stella said.
“Come in”
“I was…just wondering how you were doing…”
“All right, I guess. Wishing I didn’t have to be surrounded by reminders like this every year for weeks at a time. I mean, I know they’re going to do it, remember it and all but it’s hard to move on when every year they insist on reminding me of the whole thing for days on end.”
“You’ve done well in the face of everything you’ve been through ….” She reached out, rubbing his shoulder. “I don’t know many people who have the strength you do.” She pulled him closer to her.
“Sometimes I wonder exactly what *is* ahead for me…I know I’ve come a long way since then, and I’m happy to still be doing something meaningful with my life…my job does make me happy…but I want more. I still feel so empty, so lifeless at times. I lost so much that day…everything I dreamed of, everything I thought was in my future was suddenly gone.”
“I’m sure you’ll find your way…sometimes these things take a long time, but just remember that no matter what, you still have a meaning…you do a lot of good for a lot of people, Mac. I know sometimes it seems hopeless, like you’re going to be alone forever, but hopefully the time will come when you do feel fulfilled again, when you do find someone or something else to make you happy.”\
Mac felt so much he wanted to say, but he wasn’t sure if it was right. He could see her eyes, though, and knew that there was so much left that could not be said with words but that was loud and clear in her eyes and in his own. Swallowing hard, his heart pounding, he spoke.
“Is it wrong…I mean our jobs and everything…and I hope you don’t think I’m a total idiot…but am I wrong to think that maybe I already have found what makes me happy and just don’t know it? That maybe it’s you? I know you probably don’t feel the same way, and that’s okay, I’ll respect it if you don’t…I don’t want to lose your friendship—“
She put a hand up to shush him. “Mac, no it isn’t. It’s not wrong at all.”
“It’s not?”
“I was beginning to think you’d never come to your senses” she said. “That’s the only reason I started seeing Frankie…I thought that either you were never going to wake up or that you only saw me as a friend. I wanted to respect that so I didn’t say anything…and then Frankie happened…even though I thought he was nice, I wasn’t happy. And when he turned into a scumbag, all I really wanted was you. When I was at the hospital…afterward…I wished you were with me and it hurt when you weren’t there, but I didn’t want to pressure you.”
“Frankie…That scared me more than I can ever say…I wanted more than anything to be at the hospital with you and just hold you and never let go. I was so afraid I’d lost you that night when that call came in. But I was also sickened by the thought of you being arrested for it…I thought I could help you best by doing my job and figuring everything out and making sure you were clear. And then when you left the hospital, I was afraid to ask you to stay with me for fear of crossing lines and you not accepting the help. But I should have at least offered to let you stay with me afterward. Can you forgive me?”
“I can’t say it didn’t hurt me….but yes, I think I can. I’m just glad you finally woke up to what was happening.”
“I didn’t say anything earlier because…well first it was too soon…and then, when I was finally ready to move on with my life I was too scared to say anything because I didn’t know how you felt. I was afraid I’d ruin our friendship and lose you completely, and I didn’t want that.. Then I saw you with Frankie and I thought I was either too late, that you’d found someone else, or that I was right about you only feeling friendship for me, and that’s why I started going with Peyton.
But she’s known for some time I think that it wasn’t working…she’s a great person and we cared about each other a lot, but we weren’t in love, at least not that way. She said she wanted me to find someone who could make me as happy as I deserve to be.. And these other things…Aiden’s death…what happened to Flack…it made me realize that we don’t know how long we have and that if I didn’t say something now, I might not get the chance ever. And that was more than I could handle. Now, I’m not afraid to say it, to tell you how I feel. I love you, Stella I think I always have and was just too dense to see it until now.”
“I love you too. I never want to not have you in my life.”
“And I always want you in mine. The job, I guess…well, I think we can handle it, we’re professionals, we’ll just keep it professional at work, that’s all. The worst they can do is switch one of us to another shift, and as much as I’d hate the split, it would be worth it.”
“Yes, it would.” She chuckled “And who knows, the time might come when we have a family and I decide to stay home with the kids or at least work less, and it won’t be as big an issue.”
“You’d make a great mother.”
“I’ve always wanted a family, and you’re the one I want it with. You’ll make a great father, I know it.”
“Now, I think I *do* feel complete…I know that some of the pain will always be with me…and that no one can ever replace Claire in my heart. But now I’ve found someone to fill some of the emptiness, to make me whole again.”
“I’m glad I can be that for you. And I think Claire would be happy for you.”
“Yes, I think so.”
Later that day, after getting off shift, they drove over to the cemetery, and Mac walked out to the headstone and brushed off some of the dirt and leaves.
“I still love you, Claire, nothing will ever change that. No matter what, you’ll always be in my heart” he told her. “Moving on, it hasn’t been easy. I miss you terribly, and I always will. But now I’ve finally seen something I should have seen long ago, that the person who can heal me has been here with me all along. I think, now, I’m finally ready to start over, to open my heart and love someone else. Stella won’t replace you, no one ever can. But for the first time since I lost you, I finally feel whole and alive again. And I think…no, I know…that if you could talk to me, you’d tell me you were happy she was the one who could fill the void in my life. I don’t know what’s ahead, but I know that I love her and that she loves me, very much. She’ll take good care of me for you until…well, whatever comes next, if there is anything. It’s kind of ironic, isn’t it, that after so much heartache on this day, now something good has happened on it.”
Mac talked to Claire for a short while longer, and then said a quiet goodbye, and moved back down the path toward Stella, who took him into her arms. He couldn’t escape the irony as they held each other close…This day had been so full of tragedy and pain for him, its events had brought so much sadness and emptiness into his life. But now, even as he cried tears of sadness for what he had lost, he also cried tears of joy for what he had found.Sept.11th had brought a glimmer of new hope, of something beautiful and wonderful rising from the ashes like the mythical phoenix…The hope of a new beginning.
