Sara's Diary

G

gsrLOVE

Pathologist
Sara's Diary

PRE-GSR-CANON. Sara is not dating Grissom, but lusting over him. "DIARY" version. With rejection, and hurt, she turns to her diary, her diversion.

RATING: PG - With some mild language, and some sexual (But not full) talk.
DISCLAIMER: I don't own these characters, so don't throw pebbles at me!


May 02, 2007

Today, I glanced towards Catherine, who was sitting in the breakroom talking on her cellphone. I could hear her silently yelling at Lindsay, who had once again rebelled against Cat's rules. She has been having such a hard time lately controlling her, but she's a teenager - and they will do what they want, when they want. She knows not to ask me for help, or advice since I couldn't help her if my life depended on it. I was likely worse when I was Lindsay's age, and Catherine simply fears she will go down her own tracks and become a Stripper. She once told me, "Lindsay said she wants to be stripper.. She wants to be able to flaunt her body. She doesn't realize that it's not just a job - it's a hard job. I worked hard when I did it, but the when the guys' stare, and drool - you can't help but turn away and realize that it's not where you want to go in life." Everytime Catherine told me about her past, her relationships - I realized more, and more that I wanted to be with Grissom. Why couldn't he realize that I'd treat him well, I'd love him?

It's been a hard day at work, though. With so many unsolved cases, more and more involving young girls - it's no wonder so many CSIs burn out. I can't help but get emotionally involved. I get told day in, and day out that it's not helping any cases when I sit there trying to figure out the next Jane Doe. Can you blame me? Honestly? If you had this job, you'd be in a crazed delusion as well.

I walked into Grissom's office today, he was sitting there with Sofia. I looked at him, and I looked at her, I couldn't help but become jealous. It should be me sitting there laughing at him. Everytime we talk - I begin talking about my problems, I've asked him out for dinner more than a few times in the past year - and always get turned down. Is he really afraid to be with me? Am I not - so - good looking? Am I too young for him? Maybe I'm just not understanding that co-workers should not date, they shouldn't be romantically involved. I long for the day that we grasp in each other's arms, and never let go. Just last night, before starting shift - I told him that he was more than a boss to me, and if it weren't for him - I wouldn't have came to Vegas. God knows this crime town is depressing. Nothing he's never heard come out of my mouth before, ever since I got stopped for that DUI, and he took me home.. I can't help but feel something there, does he feel it too? Perhaps not, but I have hope that one day he will turn around and say "Hey, Sara, let's go grab a salad."

I've never liked the bitch, Sofia since she came here. Acting as if she was top notch, with her face looking flawless, and her dress code with perfection. I can't help that I don't blast my face with make up, or wear damn slutty clothes. Catherine told me the other day that, "Really, it's not about how you look - it's about how you present it." I'm a smart woman, and with my background, I'm surprised at how successful I am.. Would I have been, if it weren't for Grissom in the first place? Catherine, always looking sharp, doesn't give a damn about any other woman that goes near a guy she likes, so why I must be so jealous over Grissom? If he won't be with me, what makes me think he'd turn to Sofia?

Last week, I was wrapping up a case about a young girl who had gotten shot walking down the strip. She was going to her friends house - just a few blocks away. When we finally interviewed the shooter, he told us "She looked sexy, her tits were hanging out of her shirt. She wanted it, she teased us. She wouldn't give it to us, so we threatened her." They threatened her, by killing her? I will never understand why human beings feel they must take a life - to defend their own, to save their own? Are they really willing to go in hiding, or spend life in prision, just because a 17 year old girl won't have sex with them? Maybe she should have dressed properly walking down The Strip - but she was young, and it was no excuse to kill her. This man was 20 years older than her - either way, he would have been charged with Rape. Are they actually happy about ruining not only this one girl's life, her families - but their own, simply because they want to have sex with someone "fresh".

Age is a big factor in many relationships, even Grissom and I's, but we're older - we're mature. We are scientists - does it really take chemicals for him to understand that we belong together?

Greg has asked me to dinner a few times - but I keep declining. Maybe I will just ask him out for a burger (Veggie for me!) tomorrow. At least he takes a minute of his time to glance at me.

One day he will realize that I am what he needs - to live, to love, to be happy, and when that day comes - hopefully I'll still be in the same place of heart.
 
Ohh, GSRlove. Keep going. I want to see how Grissom reacted about Sara went out with Greg as a date, not realize it not.

If you write GSR, can you write Catnip, please?
 
May 03 2007

Greg and I had a late dinner at McRobbins diner tonight, just before we started our shifts. While, some people may say it's "chemistry" that two people can develop and share - it's a course, you can't have chemistry, or even chemicals in common. We laughed and we joked. I smiled so hard that my cheeks began hurting. Something I haven't felt in a while- in a long while at that. Maybe chasing after Grissom is a fantasy - something that shouldn't be played out. But what's the difference between Greg and I? I am still much older than him. He's a wild man, he wants to have fun. I want to work, I want to love, I want to cherish each moment I can spend with my lover. He told me tonight that he had feelings for me - ever since he began working. Is that possible, to lust over someone you only just met - and develop such serious feelings for the person? I guess so, it happened to me. Ever since Grissom first came to San Francisco, he'd call me up and tell me he was coming... I'd be the first person there, the first person to sit and listen to his words.

There I go again - talking about Grissom. Why? I had an amazing night with Greg yet Grissom is still on my mind. To be quite honest, all I could think about was... Well, Grissom. Greg knew my mind was elsewhere, but he didn't mind. He kept telling me that he loved my smile - that I was likely to be the most gorgeous woman he's set eyes on. This was a different Greg I've never experienced. Inside he work, he's a quirky self-witty human being, but outside... he was normal, he made me feel special.

I kept coming into the DNA room asking if he had any news for me. Work has been slow, so very slow. He kept smiling at me - I knew he enjoyed our "date", but I felt disappointed that I couldn't have enjoyed it as much as he did. Greg and I were talking about my case when Grissom walked in. Greg, with his ego as big as his brain blurted out, "Sara and I just got off our dinner date." I smiled, trying to hold back a little chuckle. Grissom looked at Greg, then at me, shocked. Was he jealous, or was he just furious that two co-workers had a "date"? That's when Grissom told me to come back to his office with him. I looked at Greg...but I turned around and followed.

Grissom asked me what was going on between us, and I told him nothing. There was nothing going on, we were just two friends having fun. He told me that I shouldn't get work and personal relationships mixed together. I asked him why he cared so much, it's not like he was going to chase after me; and after all, this is my life, and I can do as I want. He said, "I care about you, Sara." I rolled my eyes. If he cared, why is he sitting so far away from me? Why does he avoid me, and why haven't I worked a case with him in four months? Am I obsessing over him, am I taking this too far? I yelled at him, "If you cared you'd give us a try." I got up, and left his office. Catherine was just walking by and caught me with my blood level as high as the sky, she touched my arm and asked if I was okay. Catherine, out of all people cared. I've never been a close person with Cath, we had our problems when I first came to Vegas. She told me her and Grissom wrapped up another case last night, and that she wanted me to work the DB of a 40 something year old woman who was apparently shot by her co-worker. What a mess it was interviewing the suspects. I'm working on two cases now and it's just getting tougher and tougher. She told me, "If you're going to work with me you know you can't have emotion. We all go through hard times. When I see a child hurt, or murdered, I get upset - but I never let it take over my case." Just one more person in this self-loathing world that doesn't give a damn about someone who's life has ended before their time. Or was it? Maybe they were meant to die, by being killed. I'd rather die in my sleep, you know? That way I don't feel pain - it's quick and fast. I guess in some ways I look up to Catherine. She's older, she's experienced different things, she's a wise woman behind those eyes.

Everyone knows about Greg and my dinner. I've been teased about it all night long - just another reason why taking this 'relationship' further with Greg would just be hell in disguise. It was a dinner - I had a veggie burger, and a salad with a glass of water. What's the point anymore? You can't wait forever for that someone to come along. At least I know where I am - I just wish I knew who was going to be here with me.
 
(Sorry guys for such a long "hiatus" I've been quite busy with school and work! And sorry this one is so short)

June 3rd, 2007

My feet have been aching all night. I guess that's what you get for walking around a crime scene for 9 hours. Today has been the longest day of my life, and it's all thanks to Grissom. Catherine and I wrapped up our case last week, that was a long haul. Four different suspects, and it all came down to one thing. Jealousy.

So, we have a 30 mile radius with half a body to find. A man, in his 50's we presume from Doc. Robbins' autopsy. We haven't found the COD, apparently it may have been from a stabbing. But who knows. We can't find the head. Grissom, oh Grissom made me and Greg, walk 18 miles one foot ahead of the next. Did we find it? Nope. I should be used to this by now, but sometimes walking for 9 hours can really make you sore.

I told Grissom before I left work that he was a nut for making us do this. He told me "It builds character, Sara." as if I need character. I go to the gym on my days off.. When I get them. Which is rarely.

Of course, Greg had a good time. Teasing me. Infact, he asked me to go the Las Vegas Music Festival next weekend. I felt bad for saying no, but I don't want him thinking we can have any sort of "thing," and he knows it. I've always had a bit of an attraction to Greg, but it's because he's so young, so spontaneous, so.. different from everyone else. Could I really have feelings for him? The same feelings that I have for Grissom? It's not possible. Is it?
 
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