The Raven Vs. Nick Stokes

Discussion in 'Fan Fiction' started by myfuturecsi, Oct 16, 2008.

  1. myfuturecsi

    myfuturecsi Corpse

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    In keeping with Halloween, here is a remake of Edgar Allan Poe's The Raven starring Nick Stokes



    THE RAVEN

    Once upon a midnight dreary, while I sauntered weak and weary,
    Over many a beer and Sports Illustrated lore
    While I nodded, nearly napping, suddenly there came a tapping
    As of someone gently rapping, rapping at my front door.
    “Must be some...v…v…v…visitor,” I gulped. “Tapping at my door.”
    Only this, and nothing more.

    Ah, distinctly I remember it was in the bleak December
    And each football team I routed, wrought their ghosts upon the floor
    Eagerly, I wished for tomorrow and vainly, I had sought to borrow
    My Sports Illustrated swimsuit edition as I sit in sorrow
    And was just about to drift into a snore.

    And sad uncertain rustling of each of my mom’s purple curtains
    Filled me with terrors, only felt six feet under before.
    So that now, to calm the beating of my heart, I stood repeating
    “Okay, Nicky, just some visitor knocking at my door
    Just some idiot visitor knocking at my door
    Just this and nothing more.

    Presently my soul grew stronger; hesitating then no longer,
    I called, ”Hey! Who’s there. Sorry I did not answer;
    But the fact is I was napping,
    And so faintly you came tapping, tapping at my door
    With my gun in tow, I opened the door but
    Darkness there, and nothing more.

    Back into my house, churning, all my soul within me burning,
    Soon again I heard a tapping somewhat louder than before.
    `Okay,' said I, `surely that is something at my window;
    Greg or Hodges making my temper soar-
    So I’ll just calm down and look at this window some more; -
    'Course it could be the wind and nothing more!'

    Open here I flung the shutter, when, with many a flirt and flutter,
    In flew a raven Grissom would compare from some poem galore
    This bird made no sound, as flew through my front door
    But, with mien of lord or lady, perched above door -
    Perched upon a Dallas Cowboys banner just above my door
    Perched, and sat, and nothing more.

    So this bird makes me laugh, as I wasn’t sure if it was my beer
    Or years of stress, or politics or Grissom’s bugs or fear
    Was this bird for real I thought, and gave voice to these thoughts as
    I said. “Tell me, what are you doing above my door?
    Do you have a name? And if so what is it I implore?
    Quoth the Raven, “Nevermore!”

    Now I know I’m losing my mind as I marveled at this fugly fowl
    Hearing him use such meaningless discourse I abhor
    Did Discovery Channel or Animal Planet ever show such a bird
    Sitting above a CSI’s front door?
    Uttering words like “Nevermore!”

    But the raven, sitting lonely on my beloved banner, spoke on,
    That one word, as if his soul in that one word he did outpour
    Wondering if I should switch alcoholic beverages at the store
    But I thought, he’ll be gone by tomorrow as other birds before
    Quoth the Raven, “Nevermore!”


    Damn bird, I thought he’s screwing with my mind
    Straight I wheeled a chair in front of the bird, poster and door
    Sat into thinking, “I should have gone to the shrink because
    Now I’ve got this bird sitting there in front of me quoting crap like
    “Nevermore”

    Then, I swear on my grave the air grew denser from an unseen censer
    Whose footsteps creak along my living room floor.
    “Dammit!” I cried, “Am I being haunted by the ghosts of stalkers, kidnappers and
    and dead prostitutes. I seem to have that allure’
    Respite-respite and nepenthe from these memories of Kristi, my long lost whore
    Quoth the Raven, “Nevermore!”

    “Oh you little freakin thing of evil, said I, “Or are you some kind of prophet of evil or the devil.’
    Am I finally losing my marbles as everyone swore
    Or have you been sent by Hodges and his lab rats,
    Tell me, tell me I implore
    Quoth the Raven, “Nevermore!”

    “Okay, so you’re not gonna tell me, must I beat it out of your little head?”
    And then send you back to the Lab with a note saying to Hodges, “Hahaha your bird is dead.”
    Or maybe, just maybe you are here to give me a message from my lost radiant Kristi,
    My fair and heavenly whore
    Of why my life in Vegas as always been such a chore!
    Or that promotion I so should have gotten
    Or the stalker who was stalkin
    Or the Tahoe that got stolen
    Or the coffin and the ants who ate me swollen
    Or the Supervisor who is so sullen
    Will you answer me this while I call you from the floor
    Tell me, Raven, who the hell are you? Will you tell me?
    Am I ever gonna know what it is you’re here for?
    Quoth the Raven, “Nevermore!”

    “Be that word of our departure, you freakin bird!” I shrieked upstarting
    “Get your beak back out into the night by Lake Mead’s shore!”
    Don’t leave bird crap on my Tahoe or the Denali
    Leave my loneliness unbroken, get your ass off my door.
    Take that freakin beak out of my shredded heart and take yourself off my door”
    Quote the raven, “Nevermore!”

    So the raven, never flitting, is still sitting,
    Sitting on my Dallas Cowboys banner just above my door
    And his eyes have this all seeming of a demon, that is dreamin
    And the light from my TV over him, streaming throws his shadow on the floor;
    And my broken soul from out his shade lies floating on the floor
    And it shall be lifted-nevermore!

    :eek::devil:

    By SM
    Copyrighted SM
     
  2. my_last_chance

    my_last_chance Police Officer

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    I loved it, and a few parts made me laugh out loud. Excellent job.
     
  3. Smokey

    Smokey Nickaholic Moderator

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    You posted it! Yay! :lol: Very apropos for the season. Nice job!
     
  4. ladyhunter

    ladyhunter Head of the Swing Shift

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    That's great!
    What a great interpretation of a classic.

    I loved it :D
     
  5. myfuturecsi

    myfuturecsi Corpse

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    Thanks folks.

    It's my absolute favourite poem of all time.

    And I got the idea when I was watching the Simpsons version of it and thought, "Well hell if Homer Simpson can be the protagonist then surely Nick Stokes can be as well."
     
  6. Speedystokesgirl

    Speedystokesgirl Judge

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    I left you a review over at fanfiction, but you did a great job with this.

    Great interpretation and you have just that 'twisted' :lol: enough mind to accomplish it too! :devil:
     
  7. myfuturecsi

    myfuturecsi Corpse

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    Yes indeed. I do.:devil:

    I was thinking of writing another Edgar Allan Poe tale starring...Nick Stokes..
     
  8. Deirdre

    Deirdre Coroner

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    I'm here not to often but I need to leave a small comment here:D

    Great job! I really enjoyed your version of The Raven. Some parts made me laugh very hard. Again, great job! I love The Raven too;)
     
  9. Jacqui

    Jacqui Police Officer

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    :guffaw: :guffaw: :guffaw: :guffaw:

    OMG, that part had me laughing out loud!! Nice job, mfcsi!
     
  10. GregNickRyanFan

    GregNickRyanFan Holographic Moderator Moderator

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    The lines about Kristi cracked me up. This was very creative. Good job!
     
  11. myfuturecsi

    myfuturecsi Corpse

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    Yeah given that 'whore' rhymes with 'nevermore' I just had HAD to add that one.

    And while I know Nick would never use words like nepenthe or say things like 'Leave my loneliness unbroken' I had to use it keep the momentum of the original poem in there.
     

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