ladyhunter
Head of the Swing Shift
Sara sat on the cold, concrete bench in the cemetery. It was cold, misty and damp; typical for that time of year around the Bay area.
She is wearing a black dress and sweater. Tears are starting to come to her eyes.
There is a tombstone directly in front of her. LAURA SIDLE is the name on it.
“ I didn’t believe them when they told me”. She said to herself.
“I can’t believe you killed yourself instead of spending the rest of your life in prison.” Sara said out loud.
Sara could feel her face getting warm. “Angry, that’s how I feel”. I’m angry at YOU!”
Sara got up from the bench and walked towards the tombstone. It was also cold as she put her hand on it.
OH MOM! Sara sobbed. What happened to you? Tears are starting to run down her face. Sara wipes them away. I guess in a way I’m like you. I wasn’t strong enough either.
But you were strong enough to fight back. Fight off the man that did all those horrible things to you. Sara is sitting on the plot.
You were strong enough to carry me while he beat you. And my brother and sister, yes Mom, I know about the twins. I know how he beat you so badly that you practically miscarried them in the bathtub. Luckily HE got you to the hospital in time to have them die. Although I was young, I still knew what was going on.
It was hard not to miss. Actually the whole neighborhood knew about it.
What I don’t understand is how you said that you LOVED this man? You were young when you got married. But lots of people are.
I guess that’s where I went wrong. I thought I was in love. Actually I was. And I thought he was too.
I remember when I met him. I was just out of college. He had come to Berkeley give a lecture. Do you remember when I enrolled in Grad School? I know I didn’t complete a whole year, but that is what I thought I wanted at the time. Working in the Crime Lab was more my speed, but I had to try.
Actually the guy I was seeing at the time convinced me to go. It was going to be a “date”. If you could call it that. But he never showed up to pick me up. So I went alone.
I walked into that auditorium by myself. There were lots of people there. I was surprised to see so many people interested in Forensic Entomology. He is only one of 15 people in the country to study that kind of entomology. And since he was going to start his own crime lab, how could I not go? I thought it would be fascinating.
And it was!
He walked into the room and stood at the podium. I couldn’t keep my eyes off of him.
I practically hung on his every word.
The fact that he is very attractive made it easier.
I might have even asked him a question. I’m not sure. I couldn’t stop looking at him.
Then he approached me! I couldn’t believe it! One of the professors has told him about my thesis; Sara put her cupped hand on the edge of her mouth and said out the side of her mouth, that I never finished, on blood spatter. I know boring, but I couldn’t think of anything else to write about.
“Excuse me, are you Sara Sidle?” He asked. How he knew my name, I’m not even sure.
“Yeah”, I sort of gushed out to him. I’m… I know who you are, I immediately responded. How do you know who I am? I replied again with some authority.
Actually, your Graduate professor told me about you. I was hoping that you would come tonight. “Why is that?” I said. “Because I think you would be perfect for me.. I mean my lab.” He said. “What do you mean?” I said. “Well, I’m relocating to Las Vegas and I’m looking for a team of Crime Scene Investigators.” “Why me?” I asked again.
“I heard about your paper on blood spatter”. He said. “And your work at the San Francisco lab.” “You are very highly recommended.” He said right to my face.
My heart was racing. My face was getting warm, as it always does when I hear a compliment. “We forensic scientists are a strange bunch, don’t you think?” I wasn’t sure if he was serious or not, so I let out a little laugh. “We need to stick together.” He said.
“Sure” I said, as I leaned my head, still glued to his face.
Then he walked away.
Was he serious? Did he really want ME to come join his team in Las Vegas?
But that wasn’t the last of him.
I saw him again the following evening. There was a reception for him on campus.
I almost didn’t go. I went anyway. In the midst of all those people, he saw ME!
I wanted to blend in, but he saw me and there was no getting away.
“Hello again”. He said. “Hey, I said” sort of taken aback.
So, will I see you in Vegas?” “I’m, I’m not sure”. I said. “I have to think about it”.
“My home is here, so is my family”. “And my… ““Boyfriend” he said smiling.
“Something like that”. I said. His eyes were looking right through me. I couldn’t help but look at him. “Tell you what; if you change your mind, here is my cell number”. “Call me Ms. Sidle, I could really use you.”
Then he walked away from me again.
And that is what began our beautiful, wonderful, painful relationship.
I think it took me two weeks to pack my stuff. I gave my notice to the San Francisco lab the next day. It all happened so fast. The fact that my “boyfriend” dumped me the following week didn’t matter.
I was going to Vegas to start a new life. I had only been once when a friend of mine in college won a free trip. I can’t even remember the time I was there. It was hot, I do remember that.
Getting used to a new city is not easy. I moved during the late summer. It was still really hot in Vegas. I found a place to live not to far from the lab.
Getting used to HIM was a whole different story. I had certain expectations of my job and what exactly I was supposed to be doing.
I’m not sure he knew what they were.
I thought I was used to all the stuff we see in our line of work. The dead bodies, the mutilations, rape, murder, and dead animals.
But it was different somehow in Vegas. Although most of the crime was off the Strip, it was still hard to see a dead child or a strangled prostitute. I had a hard time adjusting.
I remember once right after I started, I went into his office after a hard case. A woman was raped then robbed. She was left for dead. It was our first case working together. She wound up in the hospital brain dead. Her husband thanked me for finding the person who did it to her. It still didn’t make me feel any better. I stood in the doorway.
He was at his desk. Tears were in my eyes. I know, not professional. I wiped them away and I asked if he could sleep with me. What I meant is if he could stay with me until I couldn’t hear her scream anymore. Then I accused him of being a robot. He shrugged it off and told me I needed to toughen up or I’ll never survive.
I almost quit right then and there. But no, I stuck it out. For 7 years now I stuck it out.
Then things got better, sort of. We didn’t work together as often. Sometimes we didn’t even see each other the whole day. Most of the time if I had a question, I would go to Catherine. She became his “right arm”. She knew as much as he did, but she was easier to talk to sometimes.
Eventually she became the swing shift supervisor so she wasn’t around as much either.
That was fine by me. I eventually got to the point where I would go in, do my job then leave. Sometimes I would stay if he asked. But mostly I went home. I became a recluse.
I ordered food in, watched movies on TV, ordered clothes from a catalogue.
Then I met Jamie. She was my friend. I met her on the Strip. She was trying to sell me a time-share or something. I was window shopping, something to do besides being at home. I wanted to buy some new clothes. I decided that I was no longer going to stay in my apartment. It only made me think about him. That is what I didn’t want, to sit around and think about HIM all day! So I ventured out into the “real world”. That’s where I met her. She was outside one of those big casinos on the Strip. She wasn’t very good at it. She almost started to cry. “I don’t even know why I do these things”. She said. “I came here to start over, to make it big, and THIS is what I am reduced to?” “Me too”, I managed to say to her. Now Jamie is not like any of my other friends. She is someone I would never have pictured myself being friends with. She sort of reminded me of Catherine. Jamie was from LA. She had bleach-blonde hair that she wore short. She had big blue eyes and wore too much make-up. Every time I saw her, she had on eye shadow that matched the color of her eyes. I didn’t like it, but what do I know about make-up?
Jamie was a friend that I kept to myself. I hardly ever talked about her. If I did, I felt the two worlds I created would collide. I felt that way because I also confided in her about HIM! How I felt we had “chemistry between us.” Jamie convinced me to do something about it. She would drag me to lingerie stores and to high-end boutiques on the Strip. We would spend hours picking out lipstick and make-up. She said the kinds of “relationships” you have with your boss are the best kind. No one knows about them and it’s more fun that way. I guess that was true. But I wasn’t even sure we had a relationship. She was fun. I never had a friend like her before.
“Bastard, “God Damn F#%*ing Bastard! “How could he do this to me?” “I’d be a great Lead CSI and HE knows it!” “Sara?” Jamie’s voice said over the phone. “Yeah?” “What time is it?” “About 5:20 am, Why?” I asked. “Listen honey, she said with her slight Oklahoma accent. “I’ve got to be at work at 8:30, can I get another hour of sleep?”
“How could he do that to me?” I asked again. “Well,” said Jamie in a sleepy cracked voice, “ from what you told me about the rendezvous you had with him, you know, how you were inches away from each other, something about a case..” “Yeah, “I blurted out. “What does that have to do with anything?” “Well, darlin’, he’s probably covering his tracks, trying not to play favorites. You know, it’s all about how things look”.
“I guess”. I said. “It’s probably just as well that there was not money in the budget for that position.” “But, I still would have been a better Lead CSI than Nicky; he failed his gun test for Christ’s Sake!” “Listen” Said Jamie. I really need to get some more sleep. I guess she was right, but I was still pissed off. I guess that is when I started drinking. A few beers after work, but did it matter if I got off work at 9 am?
Hey, it’s Vegas. There is always a place to get a drink. I mean, the casinos will serve you for free.
Then there was this one case...I should have known something was up by the look on his face. He wouldn’t let me inside to see the body. I was to take the perimeter. There was a strange aura about him.
He couldn’t bring himself to look at me either. Her name was Debbie Marlin. Her throat had been slashed by a former lover. A lover who is older than her. Someone who was once her boss.
I really didn’t put the pieces together until the case was almost closed. But it was what he said afterwards that made me think that possibly he is human. When Catherine said, “I swear that could be you lying on that table,” I didn’t know what to say. It was remarkable. I look like her or she looks like me. It didn’t matter. It was him sitting in the interrogation room that I remember. He was sitting there with bloodshot eyes, circles under them. In the same clothes he had on 18 hours earlier. I think my heart stopped. Was he talking about us, or the case? He said I was beautiful. But, he didn’t choose to be with me. It would ruin everything he worked for.
Several experiences I had over the years made me start to rethink staying at the lab. The DNA lab blew up. I was lucky. If I had walked past the lab any earlier, it would have been me they rushed to the hospital instead of Greg. That experience really made me think about my work and if I wanted to continue.
I was held a knifepoint by an inmate at a mental institution. I was suspended for “mouthing off” to Catherine then to her boss, Conrad Ecklie. Then last year Capt. Brass got shot. That experience most of all made me realize that life is too short. All these fleeting moments go by unnoticed; until somebody comes into your life and helps you see them differently. HE was that person. I think it took us all those years to realize that. He could be with me and love me, and I could be with him and love him.
The first time we made love was shortly after Capt. Brass got shot. I didn’t think is a very appropriate time, but then I remembered the year before when Nicky was kidnapped and buried alive. Warrick got married. He said also that Life is too short.
He did not want to miss an opportunity to be with the one he loved. I guess the same went for us. We didn’t have to say it but I think we felt it at the time. I won’t forget it.
We got a room at the Bellagio. His eyes were so blue they matched the shirt he was wearing.
He was so gentle and patient with me. I have to admit, it had been a long time since I had been with a man. When he kissed me; I felt it everywhere. When he touched me, my stomach jumped. I was shaking just at his touch. It was like I was waiting a lifetime just for that moment. I touched his face and he touched mine. I didn’t want to stop looking at him.
And when we did make love, I didn’t close my eyes the whole time. I was afraid if I did, he would disappear. I held on to him tightly. I pressed my body up against his. I wanted to be next to him. I didn’t want to let him go. I wanted to have him inside of me forever.
It felt so right. I never wanted it to end. He said he knew when I was going to climax because he had studied me for years. I think both of us reached a point that we had never felt before. When it was over, he leaned into my ear and whispered it… I LOVE YOU SARA. “I love you too” I whispered back. We held each other for a long time.
I never thought of us as a “regular couple.” Nothing much had changed from what went on between us at work anyway. We never moved in together. He had his townhouse on one side of town; I had my small apartment on the other. We went out to dinner, to the movies and stayed in. Sometimes he would stay at my place and sometimes I would stay at his. Mainly we hid it from everyone. I’m sure they knew.
We would exchange looks at work, he would leave me notes on my computer or in a file I was working on. I would sometimes call his cell phone and leave a message for him. That is what we did.
I thought, through it all, at least I would have HIM. He would always be there for me.
But he didn’t talk about most everything that went on in the lab. He didn’t talk much at all at that point. His job was mainly a supervisory one and desk work instead of crime solving. He hated it. I knew he did. That was also true of his hearing loss. That is how we are similar~ if I talk about it, it becomes real. If I don’t talk about it, it’s not real.
Sara, are you okay?” a voice came from outside of the Ladies Room. I had just vomited for the second time that morning. “Yeah” I said as I washed out my mouth and washed my hands. I walked out of the restroom. Catherine was waiting for me. “Ok?” she asked with an all-to-familiar look on her face. “Why don’t you go sit down and I’ll get you some water.” She said. “Ok, I murmured.
I walked towards the lounge, “It’s Lady Barf-o-Rama eh, Sara?” Said Nick.
“Yeah, must be the bad Chinese food I ate last night.” I said with a slight smile
“Hope you feel better.” Said Nick in passing.
Now I knew, or at least I had a good idea what was going on. It had nothing to do with bad Chinese food. It was more like… If I don’t ask the question, I don’t have to know the answer. But I knew the answer. I was pregnant!
Like if I admit I’m pregnant, than it’s true. I also hid that too. I wore baggy clothes; I avoided standing in front of him. When I was sick, I said I was too tired so he would stay at his place.
I was in denial for awhile. Catherine knew. I’m sure Nicky and Warrick knew also.
But it was HIM. Did he know? How should I tell him? Finally, after three weeks of vomiting in the morning (and every other time of day, morning sickness, my ass)
I summoned up the courage to tell him. I walked into his office after standing in the hallway for several minutes. I rubbed the small bump that was beginning to form in my belly and smiled. “This won’t be so bad.” I thought. “He might even be happy about it.”
“Okay, here goes”, I said as I rubbed some more.
“Hey Gris- I made out as I walked in his office and found Catherine and Ecklie.
“Cath” I stammered out. “What are you doing here?” At that point, Ecklie’s cell phone rang. “Where’s Grissom?” I asked with a painful look on my face. “Gone.” Said Catherine flatly. “What do you mean, gone?” I asked holding back the tears.
Catherine was sitting at his desk, and Ecklie was standing next to her.
“I’m taking over until we can get someone else here. Ecklie is trying to get a hold of Sophia.” So, it’s all me.” She said with light in her eyes.
I was happy for her. I knew she wanted his job. I knew she wanted to be the “head guy” but not like this.
“Oh, Sidle, there you are.” Said Ecklie while he closed his phone. I had a hard time looking at him. “It seems we are in a bit of a jam here. When do you feel you can come back to work?” “What do you mean?” I asked. “In your condition”. He said. Oh My GOD! Does EVERYONE know? I thought to myself.
“I’m fine.” I replied.
“Good, then here is your work assignment, and this is for you also.” He said as he handed me my work slip and an envelope.
“Thanks” I said as I took them both. I quickly scanned the assignment. Lab results. “What is this?” I asked Catherine. “We thought it would be best if you weren’t out in the field.” “Whatever!” I said sarcastically.
Then I opened the envelope………
My Dear Sara,
Words cannot describe how you have filled my life. You showed me that I can open my heart to someone I care about and not get hurt You will always mean so much to me. Part of me will love you forever.
But as I’m getting older, I realize this job doesn’t mean as much to me as it once did.
You helped me realize that. My life cannot be just about my job. You knew, as I did, this day would come.
Everyone that I have worked with over the years, Catherine, you, Warrick, Nick, Jim, Greg, and Sophia has all become my family. I know that everyone will continue to do outstanding work and keep our lab one of the best.
Now I’m not sure where my life will take me. I want to experience more that what I have created. Again, another part of me that you helped bring out.
Trust in this, I will never forget you. You have touched my life in a way I will always remember.
Yours forever
Gil
“Thanks Nicky”. I said as he hands me a bag of Chinese food. “Are you sure you don’t want to stay?” I ask. “No Thanks Sara, I have a date.” I’m meeting her at PURE in about half an hour.” “But if there is anything you need, ANYTHING at all, let me know. I’m a sucker for a pretty pregnant woman” He said smiling as he rubbed my tummy. I smiled back.
“Bye, Nicky” I said, “Bye Sara.” He said back
I closed the door, went to the living room put down the food, turned on the TV and went to the kitchen for a drink.
The news was on.
“In other news this evening, prominent up-and-coming Casino Host Jamie Gallahager died this afternoon in a car crash about 100 miles South of Reno. Another unidentified male was in the passenger seat of the 2006 Mazda.
Although Gallahager is from Las Vegas, local law enforcement and crime scene investigators will handle the case since it is outside of Clark County.
Channel 8 has learned that early investigation leads that alcohol and speed were a factor in the crash. We will bring you further details of this horrible accident as they are available.
Now… the weather… and to you John…..”
Chinese food spilled all over my floor. I stood at the TV for a few minutes. Then I had to sit down. I started to rub my bulging belly. “OH JAMIE!” I cried. And that’s what I did. I cried and cried and cried.
Sara, Sara, can you hear me?” “My name is Casey. I’m an OB resident.” I’m here to take care of you and your baby.” “I’ll be here until Doctor Torres comes in.” “Do you understand?” I shook my head. Blood was coming out of me. I must have dialed 911 because all of a sudden I was being rushed into the hospital.
The lights and the white walls were whizzing by in flurry. Lots of people were talking but I couldn’t understand what anyone was saying. The only person I could make out was Casey the resident. He had blond curly hair and blue eyes. I tried to focus on them.
They took me into a triage room. “She is about 8 centimeters Doctor.” One nurse said. “Blood is still flowing.” “I’ll draw blood for platelets, and see about an OR.” “Do it” Said Casey.
“Sara, you are suffering from what is called placenta previa, the placenta is coming away from the uterus wall causing all the blood.” “Do you understand”. “Yes,” I barely made out.
“Good”. “We have to get the baby out soon or he will not survive.” “Do you understand?” I shook my head again. One nurse put an oxygen mask over my mouth. I took it off and said “It’s too soon”. I’m not due for another two months.” “I know”. He said calmly. “We will do the best we can but you are already 8 centimeters dialated.” I think this baby is going to come sooner rather than later. Don’t worry; I will take care of you.” With his words I felt reassured.
I closed my eyes. I opened them to find myself in the Delivery Room.
Nurses were standing in the corner, along with a big plastic box. “That is where the baby will be when he is born. It’s an incubator. It is a HE isn’t it?” Said a nurse. “Yes, I said. It’s a boy.”
“Do you have a name?” She asked nicely. “William”. I managed to get out before a huge pain made my breath disappear. “You are having a contraction Sara; do you feel the need to push?” Asked Casey. “Uh huh” I said weakly. Well, Dr. Torres is going to miss this because here he comes.” PUSH, PUSH, PUSH! Is all I heard. He came out of me so fast I barely knew what was going on.
He came, quietly, with no cries. A flurry of nurses and doctors rushed to take him from Casey. I still couldn’t hear any cries. “What’s wrong, is he ok?” “Relax Sara, I’m going to stop the bleeding. If we can’t do it in the next few minutes or so, I might have to go in and fix it from the inside. So, please, lay back and relax. The baby is in good hands.”
I closed my eyes again. I woke up in a recovery room. I quickly put my hands to my stomach. It was empty. I sat up. I looked around for the baby. I called the nurse. A nurse quickly came to my room. “Are you okay Sara?” “Where’s my baby?”
“He is in the NICU, the Neo-Natal Intensive Care Unit”. She said. “When can I see him?” “When you are cleared to get up. The doctor has to check you out then you can go see him.” “Well, don’t just stand there, get him.” I almost yelled. “Where is he, where is Casey?” “He is with another patient Ms. Sidle, if you relax. I’ll get the doctor and we’ll get you to your baby.” “Ok.” Stubbornness runs in the family.
I thought I was ready to get up and out of bed, I wasn’t ready to see the NICU.
All of these tiny little babies in plastic boxes. That’s what they looked like to me. It made me sad in a way.
After scrubbing my hands until they were raw practically, I was told to put on another hospital gown and then a nurse took my hand and led me to the box, the incubator where my baby was sleeping.
I had knots in my stomach. My heart sank when I saw him. He had tubes and needles coming out of every inch of him it seemed. I was shaking. I put my hand on the side of the incubator. “Would you like to hold him?” asked one of the nurses. “My name is Lindsay, I’m the nurse assigned to your son.” “Very much.” I said as tears came down my face.
“Sit here, she led me to a rocking chair. “Here you are.” I was still shaking.
She put this tiny little body in my lap. He had lots of tubes still attached to him.
“You said his name is William.” “William Daniel Gilbert Sidle. “After all the men I love.” “Now we can put a name on his chart. “ And if you want to know, he weighs 3 lbs and 3 oz. “Not bad for someone so premature.” I might not remember all of my anatomy class, but I know that babies need to eat and that mother’s provide that food.
“When can I feed him?” “ Your milk won’t come in for a few more days, we can give you a breast pump so you can pump your colostrum. That will help him grow and fight off infection. Right now he is getting some food through the IV. We are more worried about his lungs. They are the last to grow inside the womb, so right now he is hooked up to a machine to help him breathe.” More tears ran down my face.
I sat there and held my baby for a long time. I rocked him. Sang to him. I touched him and just looked at him. I memorized every thing about him. He had short dark sprigs of hair. His eyes were still shut. I was hoping he would have blue eyes like his father.
He was kind of yellow color, and wrinkled. Then I realized I didn’t have anything for him. I couldn’t bring myself to buy any baby clothes or blankets. I didn’t even have a crib. In my mind if I bought all that, then I would have to acknowledge that the pregnancy was real. And that I was doing it alone. Without HIM.
I thought about all the stuff the baby would need; clothes, blankets, diapers, toys, bottles…A father.
________________________________________________________________________
Sara begins to wipe away tears again. She is still sitting on her mothers’ plot. The sun is now starting to break up the clouds that there when Sara began to talk to her mother.
“Mom, I loved him with all that I had. It wasn’t enough. He left. I have no reminders of him now. He is gone and so is the baby. He hurt me. Not like how dad hurt you, nothing can ever take away or under mind what dad did to you. But you are gone now too. More tears run down her face.
She wipes them away. “Do you know that I actually thought about ending my life?” Shortly after William died, I asked myself ‘what do I have to live for?’ ‘What’s the point?’
Then I realized… I was loved. I loved a man who couldn’t stay with me, but I was loved. And I loved my child, however short his life was. And as hard as it was, I picked myself up and tried to make a normal life for myself. That’s why I can’t believe that you did this to yourself.
“Mom, if only you had realized that we loved you, maybe you could have gone on with your life too, instead of doing what you did.” More tears came to Sara’s face. She sat there awhile just crying. “I LOVE YOU, MOM” Sara said as she got up and walked away.
Manzanita, Oregon, One year later
“I kept driving, this is where I stopped” He said. “I went home, saw my mom’s house, stayed awhile, and then drove north.” “I love the Ocean. Living in Vegas all those years made me realize how much I miss it.” He said. “It’s so calming.” “All the problems of the world seem so small compared to the crash of the Ocean. “ “You look good Sara.” “You look good too, no more dark circles under your eyes.” I said. “I miss you.” He said pulling me close. “I miss you too.” He kissed me. I kissed him back. I couldn’t help myself.
“I’m pregnant.” I said as I pulled away. “OH, Congratulations.” He said. “No, I mean I was… last year.” “Oh, I see... wait...”
“Yes, Grissom, he’s yours I mean ours.” “What happened?” “HE, you said He”
“Why didn’t you tell me?” He turned away and looked out the window. “I tried, but you left.” “You left me a letter, a God Damn letter!” “How could I tell you?” “You walked away from me again.” “I picked up the phone several times, but I couldn’t.” “Why not?” He asked. “It doesn’t matter now.” I said. “What do you mean, it doesn’t matter now?”
“He’s gone.” I said. “What do you mean gone?” he asked. He walked away from the window. “I guess you did what you had to do.” He said. “It’s not like that.” I said.
I started to cry. “He was born too soon.” I said sobbing. “He came out of me so fast... I was barely 7 months along.” “Something about placenta previa.” I didn’t know what that was either.” I cried harder.
He came over to me and put his hands around my shoulders. “He lived for three days.” I managed to say. “I named him William after my grandfather.” He stopped in his tracks. Then his hands picked up my chin so I was looking right at him. I was speechless for a minute. Then I managed to say...”He had your eyes” “Looking at him was like looking at you. “ I looked at him all the time. The nurse said babies that young don’t open their eyes, but he did, he looked right at me.” “I held him for two days.”
“Oh Sara.” He said sympathetically. “He was so beautiful.” I said through my tears.
I kept his picture to remind me of him... and you” I took it out of my wallet and handed it to him. My hands were shaking. This is the first time I have looked at it since he died.
He looked at the picture, smiled, then handed it back to me. “What happened?” “He stopped breathing.” I said, again, through my tears. “He was born too soon. He was so little. He wasn’t strong enough and I wasn’t strong enough to carry him.” I sobbed again.
He pulled me to his chest and for the first time, he gave me a hug. It felt sort of odd having his arms around me when we weren’t making love. We stayed there, holding each other for a long time. I could hear the ocean outside. Then he touched my face and wiped away my tears. Then he kissed me. I couldn’t say NO to him. We made love for the last time.
The Ocean was so calming that afterwards I fell asleep for a while. When I woke up it was dark. I found him sitting in a chair. I walked into the bathroom to wash my face.
“Mexico”. He said. “What?” I said coming out of the bathroom. “Mexico, let’s go to Mexico. Start over, just you and me. Maybe have another baby”. As he put his hand on my stomach. “That, that sounds nice,” “Marry me, marry me Sara and let’s go to Mexico.” “WOW!” “I don’t know what to say”. “Why not?” “Because you walked away from me one too many times. I can’t do that again.”
“You left me a letter Grissom, a God Damn letter. What is to keep you from doing it again?” You left!” I thought we were happy. What would be any different?” “You, you are here.” He said. “And a baby, do you really think that would make a difference?” “Well, you did!” he said shooting me a fierce glance. “I kept the baby as a part of you. He was my link to you. If you were out of my life, the baby will always be there.” “ You know that is not a healthy relationship.” He butted in. “Like you would know!” I shot back.
“Oh Grissom... Gil.” “I love you.” “I have loved you since the first day I met you.” “But it’s too hard. I have lost so much over the last couple of years; my best friend, you, the baby, my job, and now my mother.” “So let’s get married.” He said. “If you would have asked me 3 years ago, I would have jumped to marry you. Now I know you better.” I said slightly smiling. He smiled too. “I can’t, I can’t put myself in that position again. It’s probably best that you go your way, and I go back to California.” “As much as it hurts.” “Like you said, you are not sure where your life will take you.” “I’m not sure I want to wait around to find out either.”
“I want to be strong. I want to be stronger than my mother; I want to be strong FOR my mother.” I want her to know somehow that I can survive all of this and not take the easy way out like she did.
“Sara you are right. You always seem to put me in my place. I love you too. I have loved you since we met all those years ago. I guess when I let my guard down I didn’t know how to handle it. You have touched me in a way that I won’t forget. I mean that Sara. Living in a silent world, I was used to keeping my feelings inside. When I did open up to you, I got scared, and felt vulnerable. I didn’t know how to handle that either. It was easier to put on paper than to look you in the face. I know I shouldn’t have left the way I did. I’m sorry for that. You will always be a part of my life. And since learning we had a son, we will always have a connection.”
“The sun will be up soon.” He says. “Yeah” I say. “I should get going.” “Are you going to California?” He asks “Yeah” and you?” “I want to drive north. I hear Washington State is nice. “I’ll just drive until I stop.”
Gil and Sara hug. They silently leave the hotel. They smile at each other then walk away.
FIN
***Epilogue***
Gil stands outside his mailbox holding a letter.
G. Grissom
P.O. Box 738
Las Vegas, NV 89109
He opens the letter. It’s a wedding announcement.
David Louis Bennett
And
Sara Ann Sidle
Announce their joyous union
August 23, 200-
San Jose, Ca
Two wallet-sized pictures fall out. He catches one. It’s a picture of a baby. Sara’s baby. She looks just like her mother he thinks. The child has lots of brown hair, big brown eyes and round cheeks.
He turns over the picture. Laura Elizabeth Sidle-Bennett it reads, 6 months.
The other picture is of Sara on her wedding day. She is wearing a plain white dress and holding a bouquet of multi-colored flowers. Gil smiles as he looks at the picture.
A hand-written note is tucked in behind the announcement.
Gris-
In case you were wondering what I have been doing the past 18 months.
His name is David. He is a science teacher. We met at a book store. We reached for the same book. I know a few years ago I said I was “anti-stupid” meaning anti-marriage. I was wrong.
I loved you with all that I had. I know now that you loved me with all you had. I thought it was enough at the time. It turns out I needed more. But, I had a hard time letting you go. I almost followed you that day back in Oregon. I thought you were the only person who could make me happy. I learned that I need to make myself happy. I learned I could love someone new. And I am. I am very happy.
David gives me more than I could ever ask for.
As for Laura, she is the best thing to happen to me besides her father. Her brother William’s picture is right next to hers.
You will always be a part of me Gris. Every time I look at William I see you. I hope the next woman who loves you knows what a wonderful man you are. I hope that she loves you like you loved me. I hope you let her love you. I wish you a wonderful life. Follow your passions. That is what you are good at.
Love to you always;
Sara
She is wearing a black dress and sweater. Tears are starting to come to her eyes.
There is a tombstone directly in front of her. LAURA SIDLE is the name on it.
“ I didn’t believe them when they told me”. She said to herself.
“I can’t believe you killed yourself instead of spending the rest of your life in prison.” Sara said out loud.
Sara could feel her face getting warm. “Angry, that’s how I feel”. I’m angry at YOU!”
Sara got up from the bench and walked towards the tombstone. It was also cold as she put her hand on it.
OH MOM! Sara sobbed. What happened to you? Tears are starting to run down her face. Sara wipes them away. I guess in a way I’m like you. I wasn’t strong enough either.
But you were strong enough to fight back. Fight off the man that did all those horrible things to you. Sara is sitting on the plot.
You were strong enough to carry me while he beat you. And my brother and sister, yes Mom, I know about the twins. I know how he beat you so badly that you practically miscarried them in the bathtub. Luckily HE got you to the hospital in time to have them die. Although I was young, I still knew what was going on.
It was hard not to miss. Actually the whole neighborhood knew about it.
What I don’t understand is how you said that you LOVED this man? You were young when you got married. But lots of people are.
I guess that’s where I went wrong. I thought I was in love. Actually I was. And I thought he was too.
I remember when I met him. I was just out of college. He had come to Berkeley give a lecture. Do you remember when I enrolled in Grad School? I know I didn’t complete a whole year, but that is what I thought I wanted at the time. Working in the Crime Lab was more my speed, but I had to try.
Actually the guy I was seeing at the time convinced me to go. It was going to be a “date”. If you could call it that. But he never showed up to pick me up. So I went alone.
I walked into that auditorium by myself. There were lots of people there. I was surprised to see so many people interested in Forensic Entomology. He is only one of 15 people in the country to study that kind of entomology. And since he was going to start his own crime lab, how could I not go? I thought it would be fascinating.
And it was!
He walked into the room and stood at the podium. I couldn’t keep my eyes off of him.
I practically hung on his every word.
The fact that he is very attractive made it easier.
I might have even asked him a question. I’m not sure. I couldn’t stop looking at him.
Then he approached me! I couldn’t believe it! One of the professors has told him about my thesis; Sara put her cupped hand on the edge of her mouth and said out the side of her mouth, that I never finished, on blood spatter. I know boring, but I couldn’t think of anything else to write about.
“Excuse me, are you Sara Sidle?” He asked. How he knew my name, I’m not even sure.
“Yeah”, I sort of gushed out to him. I’m… I know who you are, I immediately responded. How do you know who I am? I replied again with some authority.
Actually, your Graduate professor told me about you. I was hoping that you would come tonight. “Why is that?” I said. “Because I think you would be perfect for me.. I mean my lab.” He said. “What do you mean?” I said. “Well, I’m relocating to Las Vegas and I’m looking for a team of Crime Scene Investigators.” “Why me?” I asked again.
“I heard about your paper on blood spatter”. He said. “And your work at the San Francisco lab.” “You are very highly recommended.” He said right to my face.
My heart was racing. My face was getting warm, as it always does when I hear a compliment. “We forensic scientists are a strange bunch, don’t you think?” I wasn’t sure if he was serious or not, so I let out a little laugh. “We need to stick together.” He said.
“Sure” I said, as I leaned my head, still glued to his face.
Then he walked away.
Was he serious? Did he really want ME to come join his team in Las Vegas?
But that wasn’t the last of him.
I saw him again the following evening. There was a reception for him on campus.
I almost didn’t go. I went anyway. In the midst of all those people, he saw ME!
I wanted to blend in, but he saw me and there was no getting away.
“Hello again”. He said. “Hey, I said” sort of taken aback.
So, will I see you in Vegas?” “I’m, I’m not sure”. I said. “I have to think about it”.
“My home is here, so is my family”. “And my… ““Boyfriend” he said smiling.
“Something like that”. I said. His eyes were looking right through me. I couldn’t help but look at him. “Tell you what; if you change your mind, here is my cell number”. “Call me Ms. Sidle, I could really use you.”
Then he walked away from me again.
And that is what began our beautiful, wonderful, painful relationship.
I think it took me two weeks to pack my stuff. I gave my notice to the San Francisco lab the next day. It all happened so fast. The fact that my “boyfriend” dumped me the following week didn’t matter.
I was going to Vegas to start a new life. I had only been once when a friend of mine in college won a free trip. I can’t even remember the time I was there. It was hot, I do remember that.
Getting used to a new city is not easy. I moved during the late summer. It was still really hot in Vegas. I found a place to live not to far from the lab.
Getting used to HIM was a whole different story. I had certain expectations of my job and what exactly I was supposed to be doing.
I’m not sure he knew what they were.
I thought I was used to all the stuff we see in our line of work. The dead bodies, the mutilations, rape, murder, and dead animals.
But it was different somehow in Vegas. Although most of the crime was off the Strip, it was still hard to see a dead child or a strangled prostitute. I had a hard time adjusting.
I remember once right after I started, I went into his office after a hard case. A woman was raped then robbed. She was left for dead. It was our first case working together. She wound up in the hospital brain dead. Her husband thanked me for finding the person who did it to her. It still didn’t make me feel any better. I stood in the doorway.
He was at his desk. Tears were in my eyes. I know, not professional. I wiped them away and I asked if he could sleep with me. What I meant is if he could stay with me until I couldn’t hear her scream anymore. Then I accused him of being a robot. He shrugged it off and told me I needed to toughen up or I’ll never survive.
I almost quit right then and there. But no, I stuck it out. For 7 years now I stuck it out.
Then things got better, sort of. We didn’t work together as often. Sometimes we didn’t even see each other the whole day. Most of the time if I had a question, I would go to Catherine. She became his “right arm”. She knew as much as he did, but she was easier to talk to sometimes.
Eventually she became the swing shift supervisor so she wasn’t around as much either.
That was fine by me. I eventually got to the point where I would go in, do my job then leave. Sometimes I would stay if he asked. But mostly I went home. I became a recluse.
I ordered food in, watched movies on TV, ordered clothes from a catalogue.
Then I met Jamie. She was my friend. I met her on the Strip. She was trying to sell me a time-share or something. I was window shopping, something to do besides being at home. I wanted to buy some new clothes. I decided that I was no longer going to stay in my apartment. It only made me think about him. That is what I didn’t want, to sit around and think about HIM all day! So I ventured out into the “real world”. That’s where I met her. She was outside one of those big casinos on the Strip. She wasn’t very good at it. She almost started to cry. “I don’t even know why I do these things”. She said. “I came here to start over, to make it big, and THIS is what I am reduced to?” “Me too”, I managed to say to her. Now Jamie is not like any of my other friends. She is someone I would never have pictured myself being friends with. She sort of reminded me of Catherine. Jamie was from LA. She had bleach-blonde hair that she wore short. She had big blue eyes and wore too much make-up. Every time I saw her, she had on eye shadow that matched the color of her eyes. I didn’t like it, but what do I know about make-up?
Jamie was a friend that I kept to myself. I hardly ever talked about her. If I did, I felt the two worlds I created would collide. I felt that way because I also confided in her about HIM! How I felt we had “chemistry between us.” Jamie convinced me to do something about it. She would drag me to lingerie stores and to high-end boutiques on the Strip. We would spend hours picking out lipstick and make-up. She said the kinds of “relationships” you have with your boss are the best kind. No one knows about them and it’s more fun that way. I guess that was true. But I wasn’t even sure we had a relationship. She was fun. I never had a friend like her before.
“Bastard, “God Damn F#%*ing Bastard! “How could he do this to me?” “I’d be a great Lead CSI and HE knows it!” “Sara?” Jamie’s voice said over the phone. “Yeah?” “What time is it?” “About 5:20 am, Why?” I asked. “Listen honey, she said with her slight Oklahoma accent. “I’ve got to be at work at 8:30, can I get another hour of sleep?”
“How could he do that to me?” I asked again. “Well,” said Jamie in a sleepy cracked voice, “ from what you told me about the rendezvous you had with him, you know, how you were inches away from each other, something about a case..” “Yeah, “I blurted out. “What does that have to do with anything?” “Well, darlin’, he’s probably covering his tracks, trying not to play favorites. You know, it’s all about how things look”.
“I guess”. I said. “It’s probably just as well that there was not money in the budget for that position.” “But, I still would have been a better Lead CSI than Nicky; he failed his gun test for Christ’s Sake!” “Listen” Said Jamie. I really need to get some more sleep. I guess she was right, but I was still pissed off. I guess that is when I started drinking. A few beers after work, but did it matter if I got off work at 9 am?
Hey, it’s Vegas. There is always a place to get a drink. I mean, the casinos will serve you for free.
Then there was this one case...I should have known something was up by the look on his face. He wouldn’t let me inside to see the body. I was to take the perimeter. There was a strange aura about him.
He couldn’t bring himself to look at me either. Her name was Debbie Marlin. Her throat had been slashed by a former lover. A lover who is older than her. Someone who was once her boss.
I really didn’t put the pieces together until the case was almost closed. But it was what he said afterwards that made me think that possibly he is human. When Catherine said, “I swear that could be you lying on that table,” I didn’t know what to say. It was remarkable. I look like her or she looks like me. It didn’t matter. It was him sitting in the interrogation room that I remember. He was sitting there with bloodshot eyes, circles under them. In the same clothes he had on 18 hours earlier. I think my heart stopped. Was he talking about us, or the case? He said I was beautiful. But, he didn’t choose to be with me. It would ruin everything he worked for.
Several experiences I had over the years made me start to rethink staying at the lab. The DNA lab blew up. I was lucky. If I had walked past the lab any earlier, it would have been me they rushed to the hospital instead of Greg. That experience really made me think about my work and if I wanted to continue.
I was held a knifepoint by an inmate at a mental institution. I was suspended for “mouthing off” to Catherine then to her boss, Conrad Ecklie. Then last year Capt. Brass got shot. That experience most of all made me realize that life is too short. All these fleeting moments go by unnoticed; until somebody comes into your life and helps you see them differently. HE was that person. I think it took us all those years to realize that. He could be with me and love me, and I could be with him and love him.
The first time we made love was shortly after Capt. Brass got shot. I didn’t think is a very appropriate time, but then I remembered the year before when Nicky was kidnapped and buried alive. Warrick got married. He said also that Life is too short.
He did not want to miss an opportunity to be with the one he loved. I guess the same went for us. We didn’t have to say it but I think we felt it at the time. I won’t forget it.
We got a room at the Bellagio. His eyes were so blue they matched the shirt he was wearing.
He was so gentle and patient with me. I have to admit, it had been a long time since I had been with a man. When he kissed me; I felt it everywhere. When he touched me, my stomach jumped. I was shaking just at his touch. It was like I was waiting a lifetime just for that moment. I touched his face and he touched mine. I didn’t want to stop looking at him.
And when we did make love, I didn’t close my eyes the whole time. I was afraid if I did, he would disappear. I held on to him tightly. I pressed my body up against his. I wanted to be next to him. I didn’t want to let him go. I wanted to have him inside of me forever.
It felt so right. I never wanted it to end. He said he knew when I was going to climax because he had studied me for years. I think both of us reached a point that we had never felt before. When it was over, he leaned into my ear and whispered it… I LOVE YOU SARA. “I love you too” I whispered back. We held each other for a long time.
I never thought of us as a “regular couple.” Nothing much had changed from what went on between us at work anyway. We never moved in together. He had his townhouse on one side of town; I had my small apartment on the other. We went out to dinner, to the movies and stayed in. Sometimes he would stay at my place and sometimes I would stay at his. Mainly we hid it from everyone. I’m sure they knew.
We would exchange looks at work, he would leave me notes on my computer or in a file I was working on. I would sometimes call his cell phone and leave a message for him. That is what we did.
I thought, through it all, at least I would have HIM. He would always be there for me.
But he didn’t talk about most everything that went on in the lab. He didn’t talk much at all at that point. His job was mainly a supervisory one and desk work instead of crime solving. He hated it. I knew he did. That was also true of his hearing loss. That is how we are similar~ if I talk about it, it becomes real. If I don’t talk about it, it’s not real.
Sara, are you okay?” a voice came from outside of the Ladies Room. I had just vomited for the second time that morning. “Yeah” I said as I washed out my mouth and washed my hands. I walked out of the restroom. Catherine was waiting for me. “Ok?” she asked with an all-to-familiar look on her face. “Why don’t you go sit down and I’ll get you some water.” She said. “Ok, I murmured.
I walked towards the lounge, “It’s Lady Barf-o-Rama eh, Sara?” Said Nick.
“Yeah, must be the bad Chinese food I ate last night.” I said with a slight smile
“Hope you feel better.” Said Nick in passing.
Now I knew, or at least I had a good idea what was going on. It had nothing to do with bad Chinese food. It was more like… If I don’t ask the question, I don’t have to know the answer. But I knew the answer. I was pregnant!
Like if I admit I’m pregnant, than it’s true. I also hid that too. I wore baggy clothes; I avoided standing in front of him. When I was sick, I said I was too tired so he would stay at his place.
I was in denial for awhile. Catherine knew. I’m sure Nicky and Warrick knew also.
But it was HIM. Did he know? How should I tell him? Finally, after three weeks of vomiting in the morning (and every other time of day, morning sickness, my ass)
I summoned up the courage to tell him. I walked into his office after standing in the hallway for several minutes. I rubbed the small bump that was beginning to form in my belly and smiled. “This won’t be so bad.” I thought. “He might even be happy about it.”
“Okay, here goes”, I said as I rubbed some more.
“Hey Gris- I made out as I walked in his office and found Catherine and Ecklie.
“Cath” I stammered out. “What are you doing here?” At that point, Ecklie’s cell phone rang. “Where’s Grissom?” I asked with a painful look on my face. “Gone.” Said Catherine flatly. “What do you mean, gone?” I asked holding back the tears.
Catherine was sitting at his desk, and Ecklie was standing next to her.
“I’m taking over until we can get someone else here. Ecklie is trying to get a hold of Sophia.” So, it’s all me.” She said with light in her eyes.
I was happy for her. I knew she wanted his job. I knew she wanted to be the “head guy” but not like this.
“Oh, Sidle, there you are.” Said Ecklie while he closed his phone. I had a hard time looking at him. “It seems we are in a bit of a jam here. When do you feel you can come back to work?” “What do you mean?” I asked. “In your condition”. He said. Oh My GOD! Does EVERYONE know? I thought to myself.
“I’m fine.” I replied.
“Good, then here is your work assignment, and this is for you also.” He said as he handed me my work slip and an envelope.
“Thanks” I said as I took them both. I quickly scanned the assignment. Lab results. “What is this?” I asked Catherine. “We thought it would be best if you weren’t out in the field.” “Whatever!” I said sarcastically.
Then I opened the envelope………
My Dear Sara,
Words cannot describe how you have filled my life. You showed me that I can open my heart to someone I care about and not get hurt You will always mean so much to me. Part of me will love you forever.
But as I’m getting older, I realize this job doesn’t mean as much to me as it once did.
You helped me realize that. My life cannot be just about my job. You knew, as I did, this day would come.
Everyone that I have worked with over the years, Catherine, you, Warrick, Nick, Jim, Greg, and Sophia has all become my family. I know that everyone will continue to do outstanding work and keep our lab one of the best.
Now I’m not sure where my life will take me. I want to experience more that what I have created. Again, another part of me that you helped bring out.
Trust in this, I will never forget you. You have touched my life in a way I will always remember.
Yours forever
Gil
“Thanks Nicky”. I said as he hands me a bag of Chinese food. “Are you sure you don’t want to stay?” I ask. “No Thanks Sara, I have a date.” I’m meeting her at PURE in about half an hour.” “But if there is anything you need, ANYTHING at all, let me know. I’m a sucker for a pretty pregnant woman” He said smiling as he rubbed my tummy. I smiled back.
“Bye, Nicky” I said, “Bye Sara.” He said back
I closed the door, went to the living room put down the food, turned on the TV and went to the kitchen for a drink.
The news was on.
“In other news this evening, prominent up-and-coming Casino Host Jamie Gallahager died this afternoon in a car crash about 100 miles South of Reno. Another unidentified male was in the passenger seat of the 2006 Mazda.
Although Gallahager is from Las Vegas, local law enforcement and crime scene investigators will handle the case since it is outside of Clark County.
Channel 8 has learned that early investigation leads that alcohol and speed were a factor in the crash. We will bring you further details of this horrible accident as they are available.
Now… the weather… and to you John…..”
Chinese food spilled all over my floor. I stood at the TV for a few minutes. Then I had to sit down. I started to rub my bulging belly. “OH JAMIE!” I cried. And that’s what I did. I cried and cried and cried.
Sara, Sara, can you hear me?” “My name is Casey. I’m an OB resident.” I’m here to take care of you and your baby.” “I’ll be here until Doctor Torres comes in.” “Do you understand?” I shook my head. Blood was coming out of me. I must have dialed 911 because all of a sudden I was being rushed into the hospital.
The lights and the white walls were whizzing by in flurry. Lots of people were talking but I couldn’t understand what anyone was saying. The only person I could make out was Casey the resident. He had blond curly hair and blue eyes. I tried to focus on them.
They took me into a triage room. “She is about 8 centimeters Doctor.” One nurse said. “Blood is still flowing.” “I’ll draw blood for platelets, and see about an OR.” “Do it” Said Casey.
“Sara, you are suffering from what is called placenta previa, the placenta is coming away from the uterus wall causing all the blood.” “Do you understand”. “Yes,” I barely made out.
“Good”. “We have to get the baby out soon or he will not survive.” “Do you understand?” I shook my head again. One nurse put an oxygen mask over my mouth. I took it off and said “It’s too soon”. I’m not due for another two months.” “I know”. He said calmly. “We will do the best we can but you are already 8 centimeters dialated.” I think this baby is going to come sooner rather than later. Don’t worry; I will take care of you.” With his words I felt reassured.
I closed my eyes. I opened them to find myself in the Delivery Room.
Nurses were standing in the corner, along with a big plastic box. “That is where the baby will be when he is born. It’s an incubator. It is a HE isn’t it?” Said a nurse. “Yes, I said. It’s a boy.”
“Do you have a name?” She asked nicely. “William”. I managed to get out before a huge pain made my breath disappear. “You are having a contraction Sara; do you feel the need to push?” Asked Casey. “Uh huh” I said weakly. Well, Dr. Torres is going to miss this because here he comes.” PUSH, PUSH, PUSH! Is all I heard. He came out of me so fast I barely knew what was going on.
He came, quietly, with no cries. A flurry of nurses and doctors rushed to take him from Casey. I still couldn’t hear any cries. “What’s wrong, is he ok?” “Relax Sara, I’m going to stop the bleeding. If we can’t do it in the next few minutes or so, I might have to go in and fix it from the inside. So, please, lay back and relax. The baby is in good hands.”
I closed my eyes again. I woke up in a recovery room. I quickly put my hands to my stomach. It was empty. I sat up. I looked around for the baby. I called the nurse. A nurse quickly came to my room. “Are you okay Sara?” “Where’s my baby?”
“He is in the NICU, the Neo-Natal Intensive Care Unit”. She said. “When can I see him?” “When you are cleared to get up. The doctor has to check you out then you can go see him.” “Well, don’t just stand there, get him.” I almost yelled. “Where is he, where is Casey?” “He is with another patient Ms. Sidle, if you relax. I’ll get the doctor and we’ll get you to your baby.” “Ok.” Stubbornness runs in the family.
I thought I was ready to get up and out of bed, I wasn’t ready to see the NICU.
All of these tiny little babies in plastic boxes. That’s what they looked like to me. It made me sad in a way.
After scrubbing my hands until they were raw practically, I was told to put on another hospital gown and then a nurse took my hand and led me to the box, the incubator where my baby was sleeping.
I had knots in my stomach. My heart sank when I saw him. He had tubes and needles coming out of every inch of him it seemed. I was shaking. I put my hand on the side of the incubator. “Would you like to hold him?” asked one of the nurses. “My name is Lindsay, I’m the nurse assigned to your son.” “Very much.” I said as tears came down my face.
“Sit here, she led me to a rocking chair. “Here you are.” I was still shaking.
She put this tiny little body in my lap. He had lots of tubes still attached to him.
“You said his name is William.” “William Daniel Gilbert Sidle. “After all the men I love.” “Now we can put a name on his chart. “ And if you want to know, he weighs 3 lbs and 3 oz. “Not bad for someone so premature.” I might not remember all of my anatomy class, but I know that babies need to eat and that mother’s provide that food.
“When can I feed him?” “ Your milk won’t come in for a few more days, we can give you a breast pump so you can pump your colostrum. That will help him grow and fight off infection. Right now he is getting some food through the IV. We are more worried about his lungs. They are the last to grow inside the womb, so right now he is hooked up to a machine to help him breathe.” More tears ran down my face.
I sat there and held my baby for a long time. I rocked him. Sang to him. I touched him and just looked at him. I memorized every thing about him. He had short dark sprigs of hair. His eyes were still shut. I was hoping he would have blue eyes like his father.
He was kind of yellow color, and wrinkled. Then I realized I didn’t have anything for him. I couldn’t bring myself to buy any baby clothes or blankets. I didn’t even have a crib. In my mind if I bought all that, then I would have to acknowledge that the pregnancy was real. And that I was doing it alone. Without HIM.
I thought about all the stuff the baby would need; clothes, blankets, diapers, toys, bottles…A father.
________________________________________________________________________
Sara begins to wipe away tears again. She is still sitting on her mothers’ plot. The sun is now starting to break up the clouds that there when Sara began to talk to her mother.
“Mom, I loved him with all that I had. It wasn’t enough. He left. I have no reminders of him now. He is gone and so is the baby. He hurt me. Not like how dad hurt you, nothing can ever take away or under mind what dad did to you. But you are gone now too. More tears run down her face.
She wipes them away. “Do you know that I actually thought about ending my life?” Shortly after William died, I asked myself ‘what do I have to live for?’ ‘What’s the point?’
Then I realized… I was loved. I loved a man who couldn’t stay with me, but I was loved. And I loved my child, however short his life was. And as hard as it was, I picked myself up and tried to make a normal life for myself. That’s why I can’t believe that you did this to yourself.
“Mom, if only you had realized that we loved you, maybe you could have gone on with your life too, instead of doing what you did.” More tears came to Sara’s face. She sat there awhile just crying. “I LOVE YOU, MOM” Sara said as she got up and walked away.
Manzanita, Oregon, One year later
“I kept driving, this is where I stopped” He said. “I went home, saw my mom’s house, stayed awhile, and then drove north.” “I love the Ocean. Living in Vegas all those years made me realize how much I miss it.” He said. “It’s so calming.” “All the problems of the world seem so small compared to the crash of the Ocean. “ “You look good Sara.” “You look good too, no more dark circles under your eyes.” I said. “I miss you.” He said pulling me close. “I miss you too.” He kissed me. I kissed him back. I couldn’t help myself.
“I’m pregnant.” I said as I pulled away. “OH, Congratulations.” He said. “No, I mean I was… last year.” “Oh, I see... wait...”
“Yes, Grissom, he’s yours I mean ours.” “What happened?” “HE, you said He”
“Why didn’t you tell me?” He turned away and looked out the window. “I tried, but you left.” “You left me a letter, a God Damn letter!” “How could I tell you?” “You walked away from me again.” “I picked up the phone several times, but I couldn’t.” “Why not?” He asked. “It doesn’t matter now.” I said. “What do you mean, it doesn’t matter now?”
“He’s gone.” I said. “What do you mean gone?” he asked. He walked away from the window. “I guess you did what you had to do.” He said. “It’s not like that.” I said.
I started to cry. “He was born too soon.” I said sobbing. “He came out of me so fast... I was barely 7 months along.” “Something about placenta previa.” I didn’t know what that was either.” I cried harder.
He came over to me and put his hands around my shoulders. “He lived for three days.” I managed to say. “I named him William after my grandfather.” He stopped in his tracks. Then his hands picked up my chin so I was looking right at him. I was speechless for a minute. Then I managed to say...”He had your eyes” “Looking at him was like looking at you. “ I looked at him all the time. The nurse said babies that young don’t open their eyes, but he did, he looked right at me.” “I held him for two days.”
“Oh Sara.” He said sympathetically. “He was so beautiful.” I said through my tears.
I kept his picture to remind me of him... and you” I took it out of my wallet and handed it to him. My hands were shaking. This is the first time I have looked at it since he died.
He looked at the picture, smiled, then handed it back to me. “What happened?” “He stopped breathing.” I said, again, through my tears. “He was born too soon. He was so little. He wasn’t strong enough and I wasn’t strong enough to carry him.” I sobbed again.
He pulled me to his chest and for the first time, he gave me a hug. It felt sort of odd having his arms around me when we weren’t making love. We stayed there, holding each other for a long time. I could hear the ocean outside. Then he touched my face and wiped away my tears. Then he kissed me. I couldn’t say NO to him. We made love for the last time.
The Ocean was so calming that afterwards I fell asleep for a while. When I woke up it was dark. I found him sitting in a chair. I walked into the bathroom to wash my face.
“Mexico”. He said. “What?” I said coming out of the bathroom. “Mexico, let’s go to Mexico. Start over, just you and me. Maybe have another baby”. As he put his hand on my stomach. “That, that sounds nice,” “Marry me, marry me Sara and let’s go to Mexico.” “WOW!” “I don’t know what to say”. “Why not?” “Because you walked away from me one too many times. I can’t do that again.”
“You left me a letter Grissom, a God Damn letter. What is to keep you from doing it again?” You left!” I thought we were happy. What would be any different?” “You, you are here.” He said. “And a baby, do you really think that would make a difference?” “Well, you did!” he said shooting me a fierce glance. “I kept the baby as a part of you. He was my link to you. If you were out of my life, the baby will always be there.” “ You know that is not a healthy relationship.” He butted in. “Like you would know!” I shot back.
“Oh Grissom... Gil.” “I love you.” “I have loved you since the first day I met you.” “But it’s too hard. I have lost so much over the last couple of years; my best friend, you, the baby, my job, and now my mother.” “So let’s get married.” He said. “If you would have asked me 3 years ago, I would have jumped to marry you. Now I know you better.” I said slightly smiling. He smiled too. “I can’t, I can’t put myself in that position again. It’s probably best that you go your way, and I go back to California.” “As much as it hurts.” “Like you said, you are not sure where your life will take you.” “I’m not sure I want to wait around to find out either.”
“I want to be strong. I want to be stronger than my mother; I want to be strong FOR my mother.” I want her to know somehow that I can survive all of this and not take the easy way out like she did.
“Sara you are right. You always seem to put me in my place. I love you too. I have loved you since we met all those years ago. I guess when I let my guard down I didn’t know how to handle it. You have touched me in a way that I won’t forget. I mean that Sara. Living in a silent world, I was used to keeping my feelings inside. When I did open up to you, I got scared, and felt vulnerable. I didn’t know how to handle that either. It was easier to put on paper than to look you in the face. I know I shouldn’t have left the way I did. I’m sorry for that. You will always be a part of my life. And since learning we had a son, we will always have a connection.”
“The sun will be up soon.” He says. “Yeah” I say. “I should get going.” “Are you going to California?” He asks “Yeah” and you?” “I want to drive north. I hear Washington State is nice. “I’ll just drive until I stop.”
Gil and Sara hug. They silently leave the hotel. They smile at each other then walk away.
FIN
***Epilogue***
Gil stands outside his mailbox holding a letter.
G. Grissom
P.O. Box 738
Las Vegas, NV 89109
He opens the letter. It’s a wedding announcement.
David Louis Bennett
And
Sara Ann Sidle
Announce their joyous union
August 23, 200-
San Jose, Ca
Two wallet-sized pictures fall out. He catches one. It’s a picture of a baby. Sara’s baby. She looks just like her mother he thinks. The child has lots of brown hair, big brown eyes and round cheeks.
He turns over the picture. Laura Elizabeth Sidle-Bennett it reads, 6 months.
The other picture is of Sara on her wedding day. She is wearing a plain white dress and holding a bouquet of multi-colored flowers. Gil smiles as he looks at the picture.
A hand-written note is tucked in behind the announcement.
Gris-
In case you were wondering what I have been doing the past 18 months.
His name is David. He is a science teacher. We met at a book store. We reached for the same book. I know a few years ago I said I was “anti-stupid” meaning anti-marriage. I was wrong.
I loved you with all that I had. I know now that you loved me with all you had. I thought it was enough at the time. It turns out I needed more. But, I had a hard time letting you go. I almost followed you that day back in Oregon. I thought you were the only person who could make me happy. I learned that I need to make myself happy. I learned I could love someone new. And I am. I am very happy.
David gives me more than I could ever ask for.
As for Laura, she is the best thing to happen to me besides her father. Her brother William’s picture is right next to hers.
You will always be a part of me Gris. Every time I look at William I see you. I hope the next woman who loves you knows what a wonderful man you are. I hope that she loves you like you loved me. I hope you let her love you. I wish you a wonderful life. Follow your passions. That is what you are good at.
Love to you always;
Sara
