Problems with my father.

C

Calihan

Captain
I needed some place to get advice from unbiased people, couldn't find that so I'm coming here instead.

I am having real problems with my father right now. He's constantly berating me, and I've been talking to my mom about this and she's saying that it's getting to the point of being abusive.

I really can't decide what I should do. I could cut all ties with him but he doesn't understand how what he says is a problem and it's wrong to do that to someone who doesn't understand. On the other hand whenever I'm around him he makes me really hate myself. He knows whats going on in my life and does say things relating to that to make me feel terrible about myself.

The best example that I can think of right now is a couple weeks ago I had to take a day off from school for rest. I still have fatigue from recovering from my double pneumonia this winter and he said to me at the rate that I'm going by missing school I'll graduate at his age. He stuck by this statement and didn't understand when I told him that I've finished with the classes I had the day and didn't really miss anything. Now it might not sound like much however graduating is a serious topic right now in my family as some of my friends are graduating this year however because of shitty schools I've been in before I'd be graduating in two years and I've been trying to talk my mom and school into seeing if I could graduate next year.

What kind of person says that to their son who they know is having depression relating to their graduation? He says a lot of other things like that another example is I had a bag of candy in my desk and we were watching TV and I got mnyself a piece and he got a few for himself too. Fast forward a few minutes, I see him going into my desk drawer and take candy. I say to him 'I don't mind if you have some but will you ask me before you take some and go through my desk'. Later on we're watching TV downstairs and he says to me 'Go get your candy from your desk, or are you still feeling selfish?' I'm sorry I'm selfish because I want you to ask me before you go through MY desk drawers and have some of MY candy. :wtf:

I seriously don't know if I should break off ties with him or deal. Talking doesn't work with him as he'll then talk about whatever he wants to talk about and interrupt me as he always does.

I need advice from you all.
 
Not sure what to say ...I do know that when someone berates you or puts you down they themselves have low self esteem issues, and its easier to take their anger out on someone else rather than fix the problem. Now I am by no means a specialist but I've been around awhile and I know that you can't change his behavior even if you sit down and talk it out. An abuser is an abuser be it verbal, mental or physical its still the same. You sound like you have a good head on your shoulders....keep up your acedemics, try not to let his insensitivity get to you..... and the best thing to remember is that its just words, they can only get to you if you let it. Its all about control in the end.
I know what your going through, I've been there, I've been through it with my family and my soon to be ex-husband, I let their words and the abuse dictate my life, but now I'm going back to school and doing for me and nothing they say is going to get to me anymore. Because in the end the only opinion that matters is my own. I don't know if this helps but if you need an ear I'm here. Take care.
 
:(Your dad sounds exactly like my dad and my ex-husband. They are classic verbal abusers and control freaks. My many years in therapy said to cut ties with the abuser but since it appears you live with your father at this time, that seems to not be an option. If going away to school at some point is an option, then cutting ties at that time may be an option. Otherwise, try to find a friend, clergy, or counselor to talk to about this. I know it is hard to take but it does make it easier to talk to someone.

I'm sorry I don't have better advice than that but I can assure you I have been were you are and I know it helped to talk it out. Like csisue said, I'm here to listen as well. Good Luck and take care!:)
 
The best thing to do with your father is doing what I did when I had problems. Just ignore the guy. I know that it is a little bit difficult, but it will eventually work out. Just try to avoid him, and try not to see him for a day or two, even though you live in the same house (I lived with my step father in the same apartment and I managed not to see his face for 3 days in a row). Try to talk with a very good friend about it, they can offer a great deal of support, and if it is possible try to spend a night at one of your friend's house. It will give you some time off to take a break and think about it. Try not to mind every single thing he says. I know it's hard in the beginning, but it works in the long term. Try to think about the time you'll leave your parent's house :lol: That will sometimes make you daydream. Another thing that may work is trying to stand up to him, if he sees that you are not afraid of him he will tone down a bit. Just be patient. That is the secret. And just talk about this with your closest friend. it will help. I am here to listen as well and if you need something just PM me :)
 
Hmm... my dad can be like that too... I'm pretty sure he said almost the exact same thing about the candy. At first I was a smart ass to him but that didn't get me very far. When my mom notices he's taking stuff a bit too far she'll tell him to stop and make him realize what he's doing. Sometimes it works and sometimes it doesn't. But you could get your mom to talk to him if talking to him yourself doesn't work.

If all of that doesn't work, I'd say just ignore him. I know it feels like he's kicking you when you're already down but I promise his words won't weigh as much as they do now if you just ignore what he says and don't feed it further. You said you're graduating, which means you can go off to university/college and not have to deal with him.

So I would just know you're better than what he tells you and not take what he says to heart. You don't have to take it much longer. You can PM or whatever if you want. :]
 
Hi.
I'm sorry to hear about your problems with your father.

My dad is an ass too. He is on all kinds of drugs and ditched being my dad on my 18th birthday. My birthday was in october 2007 - ive seen him once for 5 minutes since that day.
He's chosen his new girlfriend over me and has adopted her children as his own.

Now, i idolised my father growing up. He was my hero and my inspiration but now i'd rather ignore him.
I got a tattoo because he said I couldnt have one. Dont get me wrong, I wanted a tattoo but the one i've got is purely a symbol of my pity and hate towards my father. I was and still am that angry towards him but i'm slowly starting to calm down.

My advice - Ignore your dad.
You shouldn't have to be the one to make the effort if he is the one being the ass. You don't have to talk to him or even acknowledge him. Once he realises you're pissed, he'll probably come crawling back.
Don't cut of ties with him as it could lead to being one of your biggest regrets.
If you need to rest, ask a friend or another family member can you stay with them for a bit, just to recollect. Tell your mum but don't tell your dad that you're leaving for a bit.

I hope this helps. Make him come to you.

Keep your head up ;)
 
Thank you all for your replies which have had great advice. Luckily I don't have to live with him (parents got divorced when I was 6 but separated when I was 3ish) I do see him one day a week and that is one of the few days a week I work in the afternoon. What I'm thinking of doing is going the route of when he says something confront him and lay it all out there for him.

I can't thank you guys enough for your encouragement and advice. I am indebted to you.
 
My Dear Calihan, I am so so so sorry! Here is a BIG HUG.

I was in that boat myself. This breaks my heart but the only way his abuse stopped was with his passing in December. I started counseling and it has helped me. I feel very empowered and even stronger than I ever have. Being degraded is so humiliating well it was for me. My suggestion is empower your self and put the cards on the table. Don't be afraid to walk away and never look back. Do what you can, talk to ever you need to but get away from this. I'm 29 and it has caused me a lot of heart ache that has waisted the last 16+ years of my life. You are a wonderful person! Don't let any one ever make you feel that you hate yourself!

with love, Austin
 
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