Comical case openings

Zipster

Zipster

Witness
Reading through the stories here I thought it would be fun to see if people could write their own comical or satirical opening scenes to cases… I like the character of DB and I had this little flash so decided to write it down; I realize it isn’t the best idea, but it was fun writing it nevertheless!


Enjoy!



‘Boss,’ Nick stepped into what used to be his office and, not for the first time, felt a little annoyance at the man sitting in the chair opposite him.
DB looked up from the file he was reading, a bemused look on his face. ‘Nick.’
‘I’ve been doing a background search on Charlie Perrault. He’s French, originally from Paris, moved to Vegas in eighty-nine. It says here that he’s clean, not even a speeding ticket. Freelance journalist. I don’t think we have anything to tie him to the murder of Cerise, but we’re still looking.’
‘How did she die?’
‘Doc Robbins says she was mauled by a large dog or dogs. They’re doing an impression of the teeth marks now to be sure. Brass found dog prints at the scene, along with Perrault’s wallet. Could be he had a dog. ’
‘What kind of dog?’
‘Big, best we can come up with is a wolfhound.’
DB nodded then a smile crept across his face. ‘Le Petit Chaperon rouge.’
‘Excuse me?’ Nick’s face must have said more and DB smiled and waved him to sit.
‘Come on Nick! The Little Red Riding Hood!’
‘Okay,’ Nick frowned. He had no idea where with was going.
‘Charles Perrault! This is too much of a coincidence. Hold on,’ He pulled apart his collection of books until he had what he was looking for. ‘Yep, here it is. The Little Red Riding Hood, the Brothers Grim. But you see, they didn’t write the original. Charles Perrault did. I was just reading this story to my wife the other night in bed,’ Nick held up a hand.
‘I get it, the name’s the same.’
‘Tell me about the story.’ DB was all business. He pointed to the chair and Nick took a seat. DB stared at him without blinking.
‘You want me to tell you about The Little Red Riding Hood?’
‘I’m all ears Nick.’
‘Okay man,’ he couldn’t quite stop the chuckle from slipping out as he related the story, as best as he could remember it. ‘So, she took some food to her grandmother and on the way met a wolf, then got to the house to find the wolf had eaten the grandmother and taken her place.’
‘Well, not quite. A wolf wants to eat the girl but is afraid to do so in public. So he approaches Little Red Riding Hood and she naïvely tells him where she is going. He suggests the girl pick some flowers, which she does. In the meantime, he goes to the grandmother's house and gains entry by pretending to be the girl. He swallows the grandmother whole, and waits for the girl, disguised as the grandma. Now, when the girl arrives, she notices that her grandmother looks very strange. Little Red Riding Hood then says, "What big hands you have!" In most retellings, this colloquy eventually culminates with Little Red Riding Hood saying, "My, what big teeth you have!" to which the wolf replies, "The better to eat you with" and swallows her whole, too.’ DB looked at Nick for a moment, Nick smiled.
‘Well I don’t see how this affects the case one way or another.’
‘That’s because you’re thinking too literally about the subject. What’s Cerise’s last name?’
‘Cowell.’
‘Cerise Cowell.’
‘Yes,’ Nick was a little frustrated now.
‘Come on Nick! Cerise? Red? Cowell? Hood?’
‘Come on man, Cowell isn’t even spelt right.’
DB waved a hand at him. ‘Semantics. Red Hood is mauled to death by a dog and Charles Perrault is in the frame. You know what this means don’t you?’
Nick had no clue. ‘Why don’t you tell me?’
‘We need to start looking for grandma's house!’


........... WHO ARE YOU...............
 
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:guffaw: That's hilarious! Love it! I wish I could think of something like that, but I can't. Nicely done. :) That last line made me laugh so hard.
 
The sun was just rising over the picturesque white-sand beach. The only audible sounds were of the constant and soothing lapping of the sea, falling slowly away from the broken body that had recently been deposited into a heap along the shoreline, along with the flapping of one end of crime scene tape, which had detached itself from its holding rod in the gentle sea breeze. Alongside the cadaver, half kneeling, Lieutenant Horatio Caine rested his right arm over his left knee, sunglasses held lightly between finger and thumb. He surveyed the girl with sadness in his youthful eyes. Doctor Lowman finally arrived carrying a silver case, he kicked sand as he trudged across the beach and when he reached the body, the two man made eye contact.
‘Doctor,’ Horatio stood moving sideways to allow Lowman access to the body.
‘Dead no longer than an hour, I’d say.’ He pushed the temperature gage into the body and watched the display. ‘Rigor Mortis is just setting in and her eyes are just developing a cloud.’
‘Anything else Doctor?’
‘Well, ‘Lowman pulled the body towards him and noticed something. ‘She was dead well before she was in the water, see here?’
‘Yes, blood pooling on her back.' He indicated to her hand. 'Hold on a moment. What is she holding?’
Lowman pulled her hand apart to reveal four small kidney shaped pebbles. ‘I'm not sure,' he handed one to Horation. 'They look like pebbles Horatio.’ Lieutenant Caine took one and studied it.
‘Beans,’ he corrected. He handed it back to Lowman.
‘I’ll get them back to the lab, to be sure.’
‘Do that please Doctor,’ Horatio turned as Calleigh Duquesne approached him. ‘Ma’am,’ he said with affection.
‘Horatio, we’ve identified the victim as Jacqueline Hammond.’
He looked back at the body and frowned.
‘She lives about two-miles from here, a small out of the way place, Delko is over there now. She’s not in the system, clean record. Lives with her aging mother. ’
Horatio was about to ask something when his phone rang. He held up a finger. ‘Caine. I see. I’ll be right there.’ He closed off his phone.
‘Problem?’ She asked at his look.
‘That was Eric, there’s another body at her house. Stay with Lowman.’ He slipped his glasses on and crossed the sand to his hummer.

Five minutes later Horatio pulled up at another scene. Frank Tripp and Eric Delko approached.
‘Gentlemen,’ he said exiting the car.
Delko took the lead. ‘H you’re never going to believe this.’
‘Say it like it is, Eric.’
They walked as they talked, Frank to Horatio’s left, Delko to his right.
‘Well, it’s ugly. Dead man, broken neck from the looks of it. Looks like he fell some distance. Given the description of the dead girl, I can’t imagine she could have done this.’
‘Why?’
‘He’s a huge guy, probably seven to seven and half feet tall. Must weigh three-hundred pounds minimum.’
‘It’s possible that he killed the girl,’ Horatio said turning to Tripp. ‘Anything else?’
Frank shrugged. ‘Well, we found a number of items of value in the house, gold coins, cash and various trinkets. I’d say we’re looking at a regular little thief.’
They reached the body. Horatio removed his glasses. ‘What have we got here, Frank?’
‘What we’ve got,’ Tripp replied in his characteristic Texan manner, ‘is a dead giant.’
Horatio paused for a moment. ‘A girl called Jack found dead on the beach, beans clasped tightly in her hand, and now a dead giant in her backyard....’
Delko laughed. ‘No way….’
Horatio nodded and turned to Tripp. ‘I think we need to look closer at this scene.’
Frank sighed. ‘What are we looking for, exactly?’
‘We’re looking,’ he paused, slipping on his glasses,’ for a beanstalk, Frank.’

............ YEAH! We won't get fooled again! ..............
 
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