1. Jim Baker and Jimmy Swaggert have written an impressive new book. It's called "Ministers Do More Than Lay People." 2. Transvestite: A guy who likes to eat, drink, and be Mary. 3. The difference between the Pope and your boss is that the Pope only expects you to kiss his ring. 4. My mind works like lightning. One brilliant flash, and it is gone. 5. The only time the world beats a path to your door is if you're in the bathroom. 6. I hate sex in the movies. Tried it once. The seat folded up, the drink spilled, and that ice -- well, it really chilled the mood. 7. It used to be that only death and taxes were inevitable. Now, of course, there's shipping and handling, too. 8. A husband is someone who, after taking the trash out, gives the impression that he just cleaned the whole house. 9. My next house will have no kitchen -- just vending machines and a large trash can. 10. A blonde said, "I was worried that my mechanic might try to rip me off. I was relieved when he told me all I needed was turn signal fluid." 11. I'm so depressed. My doctor refused to write me a prescription for Viagra. He said it would be like putting a new flagpole on a condemned building. 12. My neighbor was bit by a stray rabid dog. I went to see how he was and found him writing frantically on a piece of paper. I told him rabies could be cured and he didn't have to worry about a will. He said, "Will? What will? I'm making a list of the people I want to bite." 13. Definition of a teenager? God's punishment for enjoying sex. 14. As we slide down the banister of life, may the splinters never point the wrong way.
This is kinda old: MAN : lord, what is a million yrs. to you? LORD: like a second. MAN : what about a million dollars? LORD: like a cent. MAN : so,can i have a cent? LORD: ok. wait a second...
Billionaire Paul Allen helped found Microsoft and is one of the richest men in the world. He's donating eleven and a half million dollars to the search for extra-terrestrial life. Allen believes we should be able to detect radio waves from a distant planet. Well yeah -- sure. Detecting radio waves from a distant planet is easy. The tricky part is being the 15th caller and winning the prize.
Two women meet in the afterlife: 1st woman: Hi! My name is Wanda. 2nd woman: Hi! I'm Sylvia. How'd you die? 1st woman: I froze to death. 2nd woman: How horrible! 1st woman: It wasn't so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold, I began to get warm & sleepy, and finally died a peaceful death. What about you? 2nd woman: I died of a massive heart attack. I suspected that my husband was cheating, so I came home early to catch him in the act. But instead, I found him all by himself in the den watching TV. 1st woman: So, what happened? 2nd woman: I was so sure there was another woman there somewhere that I started running all over the house looking. I ran up into the attic and searched, and down into the basement. Then I went through every closet and checked under all the beds. I kept this up until I had looked everywhere, and finally I became so exhausted that I just keeled over with a heart attack and died. 1st woman: Too bad you didn't look in the freezer--- we'd both still be alive! :lol:
^^^ LMAO :lol: That's excellent jorja_fan86! An old man is sitting on a park bench crying. A young man is walking by and asks him why he's crying. The old man says, "I'm retired and I have lots of money, a huge luxury apartment" The young man says, "Well then why the hell are you crying!?" The old man replies, "I can't remember where I live!"
Here's another blonde joke... So one day a blonde from New York walks into a bank and asks for a loan. She's going to Europe for two weeks and wants $5,000. The loan officer tells her that she needs collateral, she offers her brand new Rolls Royce. The bank gives her the loan, and one of the employees drives the car into the banks underground parking lot. The employees all have a laugh over this "dumb" blonde offering a expensive car for a 5,000 loan. So in two weeks, she comes back and pays the loan and interest, which amounts $5,014. The loan officer says, "We're happy to have your business and glad the transaction worked out so well, but while you were gone we checked into your background and found out your a millionare. Why would you need a loan for $5,000?" The blonde replied, "Where else in New York City could I park my car for 2 weeks for only $14 and expect it to be there when I return?"
Here's a Yo Mamma joke! I love these ones :lol: Yo mamma so fat that when she went to a restaurant they gave her the menu and she said "Okay!" :lol:
Wife asks her husband to help. Wife: Could you fix that leaking pipe in bathroom? Husband: I'm not a plumber *the next day* Wife: Could you fix that micro wave oven? Husband: I'm not an electrician *next day* Husband: You don't have anything what I should fix? Wife: I had hairdryer, but young man from downstairs fixed it already. As a reward he asked that I either have sex with him or bake him a cake. Husband: WHat did you do? Baked a cake? Wife: Gosh, I'm not a baker.
Yo Mamma that a classmate convinced me to post: Yo Mamma's so fat that when she went in the ocean for a swim the whales started singing: We are family even tho youre bigger than me!