Saying GoodBye

Discussion in 'Fan Fiction' started by CaptonMatthew, Apr 7, 2008.

  1. CaptonMatthew

    CaptonMatthew Dead on Arrival

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    SAYING GOODBYE!
    Written By: Matthew
    Tiffany and her best friend , Katie were walking home from school. Katie said , hey Tiffany lets take a short cut through the woods. Tiffany replied , I don’t about this Katie it doesn’t look like there is a trail anywhere? Katie then showed Tiffany where the trail started. After a few minutes of going back and forth over weather to take the trail or to just stay the main street , Tiffany and Katie finally made up there minds and took the short cut through the woods.

    Katie and Tiffany walked down the trail for a bit talking about this and that. Katie stopped short of the waterfall and said , hey Tiffany come over here for a second! Tiffany walked over and said , ok what am I listing for? Katie then replied , just be really quite. Katie and Tiffany both herd what sounded like somebody being beating up not to fare up a head.

    Tiffany walked up a bit more to see if she could see anything while Katie stayed back and tried to find her cell phone to call the police. As Tiffany got close 4 loud bangs rang out through the air , Katie dropped her bag and cell phone on the ground.

    Shortly after Tiffany came running back , towards Katie and out of breath and said , Tiffany , you wont believe this , but someone has just been shot four time’s down by the waterfall.

    Katie called the police and said , yead I’m calling to report and shooting down by the Kurt waterfall , my friend told me that she saw’ someone get shot about four times. The 911 dispatcher replied , okay I need you girls to go back to the trail head and meet with the investigator’s? Katie replied , okay.

    First to arrive on the seen was Greg Sander’s. Katie ran up to the car and said , come on hurry up it’s down here Greg? Greg replied , sorry girls I can’t let you on the trail it’s now considered a crime seen. Tiffany said , okay walk down to the first marker on the trail there is a side trail that lead’s right down to the water fall.

    Later Brass and Grissom arrived on seen and brass said , never thought I would be back here again? Grissom replied , bring back old memories Jim?

    Brass then said , Katie and Tiffany , report seeing somebody shot down by the waterfall , just shortly after 3:30 this afternoon. Grissom said , yea Greg herd the dispatcher and he is already here going over the seen with the corner’s office. Greg came back up to get a bag so he could collect the murder weapon. Grissom , remained Greg that he was working towards becoming a level 2 csi.

    Grissom then walked down to the waterfalls with brass. Brass said , so what’s the deal with Sara these days? Grissom replied , I don’t know anymore she is not happy with being here and she keeps lashing out at her co worker. Brass then said , well either way something has to happen and has leader of the grave yard shift you need to have a talk with her.

    Grissom told Brass then he couldn’t talk to Sara right now because he was working on a murder case. Brass said, I know. Greg then said , hey Grissom I have something over here trapped under a rock? Grissom walked over with his flashlight and said , here put these gloves on and lift the rock very carefully.

    When Greg lifted the rock Grissom said , well you don’t find that everyday! Greg said , umm Grissom if memory serves me correctly but a few years back didn’t Nick and Sara have a case on Body part being found all over Los Vagus.

    Grissom replied , yes I remember the case very well. Greg then said , okay here is what I think happened? The vic and the suspect were in the middle of a bad drug deal that much we do know for sure Greg Brass said , wait a second how would you know they were dealing drugs this early in to the investigation? Greg then answered , well if you look at the arms of our vic he has sing’s of shooting up cocain , and he has the needle marks to prof it.

    Later that night after collecting every little bit from the seen , brass said okay girls how are you guys getting home tonight? Katie and Tiffany said , we don’t live to far from here just 8 blocks from here sir.

    Brass then replied , okay get in to the car I’ll drive you girls home , I need to ask your parents a few questions as well.

    Brass drove Katie home first and said , okay Tiffany come with us , I can’t leave you in the squad car by self. Both of Katie’s parents came out after seeing Captain Brass bring Katie to the door. Katie’s father said , what’s seems to be the problem officer? Brass replied , there is no problem your daughter was a witness to a murder earlier this afternoon. Katie father then told both Tiffany and Katie to please go inside while they spoke with Brass.

    After half an hour both of Katie’s parents came back in and sat down on the couch and said , okay girls so here is what is going to happen tomorrow , both of you are going to have to go down to the police station to fill out a report on what you saw. But before you do that Tiffany call your parents and tell them that you are safe and sound.

    When Tiffany’s mom answered the phone Tiffany broke down in tears and said ,

    mom someone got killed this afternoon and I’m so scared that they are going to come after me and Katie. Sweety no , captain Brass is here and he wont let that happen to you okay everything is going to be okay.

    Mean while Grissom had another issue he had to deal with. Grissem headed down to captain Brass’s office and said , okay , how do we handle Sara or what should I do about her? Brass said , Gill , you have been here just as long as I have and you know Sara a lot better then me.

    Grissom said , well I don’t ‘ want to have to fire Sara she has done a lot for our lab over the years.
     
    Last edited: Apr 8, 2008
  2. xPORCELAINDOLLx

    xPORCELAINDOLLx Dead on Arrival

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    Okay. I'm going to be brutally honest here. This story needs some work. For one thing, misspelling character names is definitely bad. It's Grissom, not Grissem.

    Two, quotation marks are your friends. See how much easier this reads:

    Katie and Tiffany walked down the trail a bit, talking about this and that. Katie stopped short of the waterfall and shouted, "Hey Tiffany, come here for a second!"
    Tiffany walked over. "Okay what am I listening for?"
    "Just be quiet," Katie replied. They both heard what sounded like somebody being beaten not too far ahead.

    Than this:

    Katie and Tiffany walked down the trail for a bit talking about this and that. Katie stopped short of the waterfall and said , hey Tiffany come over here for a second! Tiffany walked over and said , ok what am I listing for? Katie then replied , just be really quite. Katie and Tiffany both herd what sounded like somebody being beating up not to fare up a head.

    Three. Spell check? Also your friend. Nobody's perfect with their spelling. MS Word and Open Office both have spell check. If you don't have one or the other, then get someone to check it over for you before you post it.

    Four. Grammar, punctuation, and word usage errors. You have a lot of them. For example:

    Brass drove Katie home first and said , okay Tiffany come with us , I can’t leave you in the squad car by self

    You should have used the word yourself instead of self. It should read:

    Brass drove Katie home first and said, "Okay Tiffany, come with us. I can't leave you in the squad car by yourself."

    And in this sentence: Tiffany and Katie finally made up there minds and took the short cut through the woods.

    The word there should be their. And it's an easy mistake to make. Again nobody's perfect.

    And I hope I didn't sound too mean but you do need to work on it. But I'm certain that, with a little more effort and a lot more practice, you'll get the hang of it and go on to write something wonderful. But, it takes patience, practice, effort, and time to make a story great.
     
  3. CaptonMatthew

    CaptonMatthew Dead on Arrival

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    after I posted it I realized the spelling mistakes. so the story is being redone. So hopefully with in another couple of days it will be better then what it is now. thanks for letting me know.
     
  4. CaptonMatthew

    CaptonMatthew Dead on Arrival

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    If you are ready the first post of saying Goodbye I already know, how bad it is, with out the comas and other stuff that i should have put in when I was writing the draft. Since this post I have kept the same storyline and have added some new details in to the story. Here is just some of the new Saying Goodbye, and I hope you like it.

    I hope I did this right:

    Tiffany and Katie, were walking home from school, on a hot summer's day. Katie said," you know, Tiffany I think this has to be the hottest day we have had, in a month." Tiffany replied, " yea, I think, it is to." As the two friends, walked down the street, looking for some, shade to get out of the, heat. Tiffany looked over, and happen to notice the trail was opened.

    tbc
     

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