Jokes Thread

Discussion in 'Miscellaneous' started by glam_chic86, Oct 30, 2005.

  1. ineverysunflower

    ineverysunflower Coroner

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    I cant believe Im posting a blonde joke since Im blonde too lol

    Two blondes were driving along a road by a wheat field when they saw a blonde in the middle of the field rowing a row boat.

    The driver blonde turned to her friend and said "You know - it's blondes like that that give us a bad name!"

    To this, the other blonde replies "I know it, and if I knew how to swim, I'd go out there and drown her."
     
  2. saraholic

    saraholic Corpse

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    There is. :D It was for the sake of the joke. :D
     
  3. glam_chic86

    glam_chic86 Head of the Graveyard Shift

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    :lol: Hahaha that's a fantastic joke. It shows that men are suckers for beautiful woman who remove their clothes....hehehe j/k. Seriously though I loved it.
     
  4. Hollis

    Hollis CSI Level Two

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    A couple of New Jersey hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head. The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps to the operator: “My friend is dead! What can I do?” The operator, in a calm soothing voice says: “Just take it easy. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead.” There is a silence, then a shot is heard. The guy's voice comes back on the line. He says: “OK, now what?"
     
  5. glam_chic86

    glam_chic86 Head of the Graveyard Shift

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    Things You Wouldn't Know Without Movies

    -It is always possible to park directly outside any building you are visiting.
    -A detective can only solve a case once he has been suspended from duty.
    -If you decide to start dancing in the street, everyone you bump into will know all the steps.
    -Most laptop computers are powerful enough to override the communication systems of any invading alien civilization.
    -It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a fight involving martial arts - your enemies will wait patiently to attack you one by one by dancing around in a threatening manner until you have knocked out their predecessors.
    -When a person is knocked unconscious by a blow to the head, they will never suffer a concussion or brain damage.
    -No one involved in a car chase, hijacking, explosion, volcanic eruption or alien invasion will ever go into shock.
    -Police Departments give their officers personality tests to make sure they are deliberately assigned a partner who is their total opposite.
    -When they are alone, all foreigners prefer to speak English to each other.
    -You can always find a chainsaw when you need one.
    -Any lock can be picked by a credit card or a paper clip in seconds, unless it's the door to a burning building with a child trapped inside.
    -An electric fence, powerful enough to kill a dinosaur will cause no lasting damage to an eight-year-old child.
    -Television news bulletins usually contain a story that affects you personally at that precise moment you turn the television on.
     
  6. jazzfan

    jazzfan CSI Level Two

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    A redneck was stopped by a game warden in Tennessee recently with two
    ice chests of fish. He was leaving a cove well known for its
    fishing.

    The game warden asked the man, "Do you have a license to catch those
    fish?" "Naw, sir, I ain't got none of them there licenses, no. You
    must understand these here are my pet fish."

    "Pet fish?" said the game warden.

    "Yeah . Every night I take these here fish down to da lake and let
    them swim 'round for a while. Then I whistle and they jump rat back into
    this here ice chest and I take them home."

    "That's a bunch of hooey! Fish can't do that!" says the warden

    The redneck looked at the game warden for a moment and then said,
    "It's the truth Mr. Government man, I'll show you. It really works."

    "Okay," said the game warden, " I've GOT to see this!"

    The redneck poured the fish into the lake and stood and waited.
    After several minutes, the game warden turned to him and said,
    "Well?"

    "Well, what?" said the redneck.

    The warden said, "When are you going to call them back?"

    The redneck said, "Call who back?"

    "The FISH!" replied the warden.

    "What fish?" answered the redneck.

    We in Tennesse may not be as smart as some city slickers, but we
    aren't as dumb as some government employees.
     
  7. glam_chic86

    glam_chic86 Head of the Graveyard Shift

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    Blonde Driving

    Q: Why did the blonde get pulled over by the police?
    A: Her headlights weren't working, so she was flashing people.
    ------------------------------------------------------------
    Brunette Meets Genie

    A brunette is walking through the country, when she finds a bottle. She rubs it and, you guessed it, a genie appears.
    The genie says, "You are allowed three wishes. But, I must warn you, anything you get, all the blondes in the world get twice as much."

    The woman says, "Okay. Give me a nice house."

    The genie replies, "You now have one nice house and all the blondes in the world have two."

    The the lady says, "Give me a gorgeous man."

    The genie replies, "You now have one gorgeous man, while all the blondes have two."

    The lady says, "For my last wish, Genie, see that stick over there? Beat me half to death with it."
     
  8. Hollis

    Hollis CSI Level Two

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    ^^ I love that genie one. :lol:

    Two weasels are sitting on a bar stool. One starts to insult the other one. He screams, "I slept with your mother!" The bar gets quiet as everyone listens to see what the other weasel will do. The first again yells, "I SLEPT WITH YOUR MOTHER!" The other says, "Go home dad you’re drunk."
     
  9. glam_chic86

    glam_chic86 Head of the Graveyard Shift

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    Telemarketer Repellant

    If they say they're John Doe from XYZ Company, ask them to spell their name. Then ask them to spell the company name. Then ask them where it is located, how long it has been in business, how many people work there, how they got into this line of work, if they are married, how many kids they have, etc. Continue asking them personal questions or questions about their company for as long as necessary.

    Say "no" over and over. Be sure to vary the sound of each one, and keep a rhythmic tempo, even as they are trying to speak. This is most fun if you can do it until they hang up.

    If MCI calls trying to get you to sign up for the Family and Friends Plan, reply, in as sinister a voice as you can, "I don't have any friends, would you be my friend?"

    If they start out with, "How are you today?" say, "I'm so glad you asked, because no one these days seems to care, and I have all these problems. My arthritis is acting up, my eyelashes are sore, my dog has the gout..."

    If the company cleans rugs, respond: "Can you get out blood? Can you get out goat blood? How about human blood?"

    Tell the telemarketer you are busy at the moment and ask him/her if he/she will give you his/her home phone number so you can call him/her back. When the telemarketer explains that telemarketers cannot give out their home numbers say, "I guess you don't want anyone bothering you at home, right?" The telemarketer will agree and you say, "Me either!" Hang up.

    Ask them to repeat everything they say several times.

    Insist that the caller is really your buddy Leon, playing a joke. "Come on, Leon, cut it out! Seriously, Leon, how's your momma?"

    Tell them you are hard of hearing and that they need to speak up . . . louder . . . louder . . .

    When the salesperson asks, "Is this the homeowner?" say, "Is this the salesperson?" And when they say, "Yes," hang up.

    :lol:
     
  10. Guest

    Guest Guest

    LOL! I will try that next time a telemarketer calls.

    More blonde jokes, cause I can't resist. :D

    A broke blonde decides to ask God for help. "Dear Lord," she prays, "if I don't get some cash, I'm gonna lose everything. Please let me win the lottery."
    Lottery night comes, but the blonde doesn't win. She prays even harder, saying, "God, why have you forsaken me? My children are starving. Please just let me win this once."
    Suddenly there is a blinding flash of light, and the blonde hears God speak.
    "Sweetheart, work with me on this," he says. "Buy a ticket."

    A blonde is terribly overweight, so her doctor put her on a diet. "I want you to eat regularly for 2 days, then skip a day, and repeat this procedure for 2 weeks. The next time I see you, you'll have lost at least 5 pounds." When the blonde returned, she shocked the doctor by losing nearly 40 pounds. "Why, that's amazing!" the doctor said, "Did you follow my instructions?" The blonde nodded... "I'll tell you though, I thought I was going to drop dead that 3rd day." "From hunger, you mean?", asked the doctor." No, from skipping."

    :lol:
     
  11. Dynamo1

    Dynamo1 Head of the Swing Shift

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    jorja_fan86, for telemarketers, I keep an airhorn bside the phone. When they call and start their sales pitch, I just give them a blast. They might want to keep some aspirin handy.
     
  12. glam_chic86

    glam_chic86 Head of the Graveyard Shift

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    ^ :lol: That's f*cking hilarious. I'll have to give that a try one time. Anyway I got another set of jokes for everyone

    10 Ways to Annoy Cops

    Say, "Damn, officer, you must have been going fast to keep up with me!"
    When he approaches you, stare at his gut and say, "Hmmm. I thought cops had to be physically fit."
    Sway and ask if his bulletproof vest protects him from projectile vomiting.
    Lie on the ground and ask him to draw your outline in chalk.
    Throw his nightstick and tell the police dog to fetch it.
    Ask him if you can use his pepper spray to spice up your pizza.
    Tell him you wanted to be a cop, but decided to graduate high school instead.
    When he asks you to walk the line, "Riverdance" instead.
    Instead of pleading the 5th amendment, plead the 13th or 16th.
    When he asks for your license, say, "Oh sure, officer, can you hold me beer for a sec?"

    :D
     
  13. jazzfan

    jazzfan CSI Level Two

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    Tech Support: "I need you to right-click on the Open Desktop."
    Customer: "Ok."
    Tech Support: "Did you get a pop-up menu?"Customer: "No."
    Tech Support: "Ok. Right click again. Do you see a pop-up menu?"
    Customer: "No."
    Tech Support: "Ok, sir. Can you tell me what you have done up until this point?"
    Customer: "Sure, you told me to write 'click' and I wrote click'."
     
  14. MrsWBrown

    MrsWBrown Police Officer

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    was that a blonde customer :D lol
     
  15. jazzfan

    jazzfan CSI Level Two

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    :lol: :lol: :lol:
     

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