Saturday Night Live Weekend Update Norm MacDonald: Jonathan Schmitz, the “Jenny Jones” guest who killed his secret gay admirer because of his fear and hatred of homosexuality, has been sentenced to 25 years in prison. Well, I guess that plan backfired! Jimmy Fallon: This week, Georgia’s board of education approved a plan that allows teachers to keep using the word “Evolution” when teaching biology. Though, as a compromise, dinosaurs are now called “Jesus Horses.” Jimmy Fallon: New Scientist Magazine reported this week that in the future, cars could be powered by hazel nuts. That’s encouraging, considering an 8-ounce jar of hazel nuts costs about nine dollars. Yeah, I got an idea for a car that runs on bald eagle heads and Fabergé eggs. Tina Fey: DirecTV has filed suit against O.J. Simpson accusing him of pirating its satellite television signal. In an unrelated story, DirecTV has been stabbed to death. Tina Fey: As part of February sweeps, ABC announced that “Good Morning America” will air a live broadcast of a baby being born. Not to be outdone, “Fox Morning News” will show a baby being conceived. Tina Fey: At a South Dakota school this week, a police officer roamed the school with an unloaded gun to test the response. The school passed with flying colors when concerned students spotted the gun and shot him. Deep Thoughts by Jack Handy Once while walking through the mall a guy came up to me and said "Hey, hows it going?". So I grabbed his arm and twisted it up behind his head and said "Now whose asking the questions?" If you work on a lobster boat, sneaking up behind people and pinching them is probably a joke that gets old real fast. If you ever drop your keys into a river of molten lava, forget em', cause, man, they're gone. When Gary told me he had found Jesus, I thought, Yahoo! We're rich! But it turned out to be something different. Too bad you can't buy a voodoo globe so that you could make the earth spin real fast and freak everybody out. When you go in for a job interview, I think a good thing to ask is if they ever press charges. If trees could scream, would we be so cavalier about cutting them down? We might, if they screamed all the time, for no good reason.
Okay if anyone has seen Extras, here's some quotes from it. If you haven't, it's a show about a man who plays the roles of extras in films. On the set of films the main characters meet the celebrities who are staring in the films. Some of Britain's most famous celebrities have been on this show playing themselves. [referring to Lord of the Rings, explaining how he played the part of a wizard so skillfully] Ian McKellen: How did I know what to say? They had my lines written down on a script. How did I know where to stand? People showed me. [Sits in front of Maggie] Daniel Radcliffe: Oh God, I've still got these on. I don't need glasses they're just for the character. Even if I did need glasses, I never read. Maggie: ... right. Daniel: Oh... hey *pulls out cigarette box and waves it in front of Maggie's face* fags. Maggie: You smoke, do you? Daniel Radcliffe: Me? Oh yeah, just a little bit. You? Maggie: No. Daniel Radcliffe: No... Good girl, good girl. Very wise. I've got to cut down. *fakes a cough* Daniel Radcliffe: .....I've done it with a girl. Maggie: What? Daniel Radcliffe: I've done it with a girl... Intercourse wise. So if you're looking for--- Daniel's Mom: Daniel? Daniel Radcliffe: Here's my mom, say they're your fags! Daniel's Mom: What are you doing? Daniel Radcliffe: Nothing. She's trying to give me fags. Daniels Mom: You should know better, you're old enough to be his mother! Daniel Radcliffe: And she was trying to have it off with me! Daniel's Mom: Of course she was, you're bloody gorgeous. Come on you. [They leave] [Later that day, Daniel's still trying to seduce Maggie] Daniel Radcliffe: When she comes back make some exuse to leave us alone, okay? Andy: What have you got planned? [Daniel pulls an opened condom out of his pocket] Andy Millman: You've unraveled it already? Daniel Radcliffe: Got to be ready for action. Only hope it's big enough. Daniel Radcliffe: Hey Maggie! Listen. I'm going to cut to the chase cause I respect you too much to bullsh*it you. It's over, yeah? It's over between us! I don't want tears, that's the kind of guy I am. You knew that going in. I just think it's better that we end things now before you fall in love with me any deeper. You knew it wasn't forever... I said it was playtime, we had some laughs, but I cannot be tied down to one chick. Maggie: Okay. Daniel Radcliffe: [Pulls out the unraveled condom] I don't want to waste this on you. I've got a better bird now. Maggie: [Indifferent] Okay well thanks for your honesty. Daniel Radcliffe: *kisses her* There.. something to remember me by. Maggie: Have you brushed your teeth today? Daniel Radcliffe: *child-like* Yes! Ben Stiller: I've kissed Cameron Diaz and Drew Barrymore! I've slapped Jennifer Aniston's butt! Maggie Jacobs: Yeah, in films. Ben Stiller: It still counts! It still counts... Kate Winslet: How many more movies do we need about the Holocaust? I mean, we get it, it was grim. Ian McKellen: If we were to draw a graph of my process, of my method, it would be something like this: Sir Ian, Sir Ian, Sir Ian, action, wizard "You shall not pass!", cut. Sir Ian, Sir Ian, Sir Ian. Agent: Yeah, I'm hearing you, all right. But do you know what? This is typical first-night nerves. I know what you're thinking - you're thinking "oh, the script's not funny, it's lowest common denominator," and - you know - you're right. But don't worry about it! Because people will watch anything, all right? Particularly if it's after EastEnders and they haven't got to change the channel. Those sort of morons will help us win the ratings war. And, uh, you know, ratings in the end are what count. And merchandise. Orlando Bloom: We've just done our kissing scene, and the directer says, perfect, I've never seen better acting! And the producer says, Orlando, that was bloody brilliant! And the whole cast applauds. And Keira says, oh, can we just do that kissing bit again? And I laugh and say, if you want to kiss someone, why don't you kiss Johnny Depp? And she says, Johnny Depp, don't make me f**king vomit. [After Andy admits privately to David Bowie that he thinks he's sold out] David Bowie: [sings] The little fat man who sold his soul... Andy Millman: The little...? David Bowie: [sings] Little fat man who sold his dream... Chubby little loser... David Bowie: [turns round and plays piano] Chubby little loser... National joke... David Bowie: [stops singing] No, not chubby little loser... David Bowie: [sings] Pathetic little fat man... No one's bloody laughing... The clown that no one laughs at... They all just wish he'd die... He's so depressed at being useless... The fat man takes his own life... David Bowie: [stops singing] No, no David Bowie: [sings] He's so depressed at being hated... Fatty takes his own life... David Bowie: [stops singing] Fatty? Fatso? Maggie Jacobs: Fatso, I like fatso David Bowie: Yeah, let's go with fatso David Bowie: [sings] Fatso take his own life... He blows his bloated face off David Bowie: [stops singing] No David Bowie: [sings] He blows his stupid brains out Linda: But the twat'd probabably miss! David Bowie: [stops singing] Yes, Linda, I like that! Andy Millman: [Sarcastically] Yes, so do I. It's brilliant Linda. David Bowie: [sings] He sold his soul for a shot at fame... Catchprase and wig and the jokes are lame... He's got no style, he's got no grace... He's banal and facile... He's a fat waste of space... David Bowie: [stops singing] Yeah, yeah. Everybody sing that last line. One, two, three... Crowd: He's banal and facile... He's a fat waste of space... David Bowie: See his pug-nosed face... pug, pug, pug, pug [stops singing] Again!
Grissom: "I hear you got head." Doc Robbins: "You just came in." Wow the writers have some interesting things on their mind for comdey sake.
I've let a few CSI quotes slide, but I'm going to step in a bit here. This forum is non-CSI, so it is quotes from other TV shows, not CSI. There are threads within the CSI forums for CSI quotes.
Just a few, I love family guy, and have all the season's on DVD, so this is just two of several favorite quotes. I've also got one from Seinfeld Brian Griffin: Lois, my God, what happened?! We thought you were dead! Chris Griffin: Mom, we thought Dad killed you! Lois Griffin: No. He didn't, Chris. But someone tried to. Peter Griffin: Do you remember who it was? Lois Griffin: Yes I do. IT WAS STEWIE! Lois: Peter! What the hell? You can't just bring that horse in here with us! Peter: Oh, come on, Lois. I mean, to you he's just a horse, but to me, he's a friend! I take care of him, and I brush him and feed him, and I really do love... okay, the horse may have just pooped in the bed. Kramer: It's a write off for them. Jerry: How is it a write off? Kramer: They just write it off. Jerry: Write it off what? Kramer: Jerry, all these big companies, they write off everything. Jerry: You don't even know what a write off is. Kramer: Do you? Jerry: No. I Don't. Kramer: But they do. And they're the ones writing it off. Jerry: I wish I could have the last 20 seconds of my life back.
I love House quotes. My favorites right now are: House: There's a bullet in his head. Cameron: He was shot? House: No Someone threw it at him. House: (House intentionally drops his bottle of Vicodin, Cuddy bends over to pick it up) (wide-eyed) OH. MY. GOD! You're not wearing underwear! Cuddy: Of course I am, I— House: Skirt that tight, you got no secrets. Skirt that tight, I can tell if you've got an IUD. Seen Dr. Cole? Cuddy: No... House: You're blushing. Cuddy: I am not. House: Look at me. (Cuddy turns to House) House:OH. MY. GOD.
NCIS Gibbs: Y'know, some of these guys freeze on their first jump. Have to be kicked in the ass to get them out. Tony: Not me. Gibbs: Nope. You fall in the category that want a kick in the ass on the ground. Gibbs: Go tell Abby that I want her. Now. Abby Sciuto: [walks in pushing evidence cart] Oh, Gibbs! I never never knew! Special Agent Ziva David: McGee you look like you've seen a goat. CSI NY [Danny and Stella enter a sushi restaurant in which the food is served on nude women] Det. Stella Bonasera: Oh, that can't be sanitary. Danny Messer: Who cares if it's sanitary. I want to see the menu. [Danny is reading 'Trendy Magazine'. Stella enters] Det. Stella Bonasera: If you wanted beauty tips, all you had to do was ask. Danny Messer: Do you know that waterproof mascara dries out your lashes? That's amazing. [Danny holds up a fingerprint sample, stares at it through the light of a torch] Det. Stella Bonasera: You are gonna do more than just stare at it. Danny Messer: I am waiting for it to talk to me. Det. Stella Bonasera: Then you might have to buy it a drink first. Criminal Minds Garcia: You've got a problem. Deadbolt's the number one password crack-resistant software out there. You're gonna have to get inside this guy's head to get the password. Special Agent Derek Morgan: I thought I was calling the office of Supreme Genius. Garcia: Well, gorgeous, you've been re-routed to the office of Too Frickin' Bad. Garcia: [answering call] Office of Unfettered Omniscience - how may I help you, O fortunate one? Garcia: [answering call] Oracle of Quantico - speak if you deign to hear truth! Garcia: [answering call] Font of all Knowledge, check my flow! Garcia: Rainmaker, how wet do you want it?
I loved watching HD/L&S when I was younger, and I thought I'd share some quotes from the shows. Happy Days Richie Cunningham: All we had was beer in teeny-weeny little glasses. Howard Cunningham: How many teeny-weeny little glasses did you have? Richie Cunningham: Seventy-two. Howard Cunningham: I think it's time for some teeny-weeny cups of coffee. The Fonz: Heyyy! Ralph Malph: I've still got it! The Fonz: You ain't nobody until you do what you want! Richie Cunningham: Sit on it! Laverne & Shirley Squiggy: I woulda worn my tuxedo but my polo pony ate it! Laverne De Fazio: Ahhhh! I just said bet your buns to a nun! Carmine Ragusa: I once met Eddie Fisher! Shirley Feeney: Oh really? And just what was his excuse for breaking poor Debbie's heart? Carmine Ragusa: I don't really know. I gave him the towel, he gave me the quarter and that was it! Rosie Greenbaum: Shirley, is that the sexiest thing you have to wear? Shirley Feeney: Is there something wrong with this? Rosie Greenbaum: Shirley, Shirley, ya gotta advertise a little! Put the goods in the window! That's what Big Rosie does. Laverne De Fazio: Oh yeah? I always thought ya put 'em right out on the street. Shirley Feeney: Laverne, I'm telling you, flying is safer than driving! Nobody has ever crashed into a cloud! Laverne De Fazio: Yeah well nobody ever fell 40,000 feet from a DeSoto either. Shirley Feeney: What did you call that woman again? Laverne De Fazio: Banana-face. Shirley Feeney: People do not like to be called fruit! Squiggy: Hey, what's with all the tropical flora? Leonard 'Lenny' Kosnowski: Didn't you used to date her? Squiggy: Nah, that was Teresa DeFluca. Shirley Feeney: I do NOT vo-dee-oh-doh-doh! Laverne De Fazio: You vo-dee-OH... Rosie Greenbaum: I'm the bimbo with the bucks!
Dead Like Me: George: (voice over) They say your entire life flashes in front of your eyes the moment before you die. That might be true if you're terminally ill or your parachute doesn't open, but if death sneaks up on you the only thing you have time to think is... George: Awww shit. Roxy: You know what your problem is? You wake up every morning wondering what the world's gonna do for you, wondering who's gonna bend over backwards, kiss your ass and make you happy when you should just thank God for another day and leave it the f**k at that. Roxy (to an irate guy she just gave a ticket to): Hey, hey, cool it. Sir, I'm going to say this as politely as possible. I will f*** you up. George: Do you not like me anymore? Rube: Well not right this minute. You're a constipator, peanut, you disturb my shit and that's annoying. 30 Rock: Kenneth: i know, i'll use my sexuality as a weapon just like Sydney Bristow from Alias. to the wig shop!! Liz: i didn't know bras were on the endangered species list Liz: we'll make our own network and call it bitch tv!!
Sanford and Son... This is for all us youngen's....oh the memories of the good ole day's :lol: :lol: Fred Sanford: Oh, this is the biggest one I ever had. You hear that Elizabeth? I'm coming to join you honey. Fred Sanford: I ain't afraid to give you one across the lips. Lamont Sanford: That's the way it used to be, Pop, now adays they give you one of them needles and you don't even know what hit you. Fred Sanford: Oh, now I know I ain't going. Lamont Sanford: Why not? Fred Sanford: Are you kidding? A needle. I don't wanna get hooked on that stuff. It'd change me from Friendly Fred to Junkie Joe. Fred Sanford: You just dumb, son. You just dumb. Bubba: The characters on that show are a lot like you. There's the grouchy father, the dumb son, the ugly sister in-law and the stupid, bungling friend [looks at Grady] Grady: [sarcastically] Your too hard on yourself Bubba. Lamont Sanford: You're a dirty old man ya know that? Fred Sanford: And I'm gonna be one 'till I'm a dead old man. Fred Sanford: I still want to sow some wild oats. Lamont Sanford: At your age, you don't have no wild oats, you got shredded wheat. Fred Sanford: [Coughs violently] Smokin' less but enjoying it more. [Lamont enters room] Fred Sanford: Hey Lamont you bring me cigarettes? Lamont Sanford: What? Fred Sanford: Cigarettes. Smokes. Did you get them? Lamont Sanford: Did you hear yourself just now? Fred Sanford: Yeah I asked if you brung me cigarettes. Lamont Sanford: No I mean did you hear yourself coughing? I heard you a block away, it sounded like they was tearing up the streets. Fred Sanford: We could have a little pork and beans now and a little zucchini later. Or a little zucchini now and a little pork and beans later. Or if you like the pork and beans, you can have them and I'll take the zucchini or I can take the pork and beans and you the zucchini so what will it be? Zucchini or pork and beans? Lamont Sanford: The oven don't work. Fred Sanford: Oh, in that case, we'll have some cold pork and beans now or... Lamont Sanford: Would you stop that? Lamont Sanford: Pop, since you was 10, you smoked a cigarette 41 miles long. Fred Sanford: That's real super king sized ain't it? Lamont Sanford: 41 miles. That's like you smoked a cigarette from here to Disneyland. Fred Sanford: My name's Fred Sanford. That's S-A-N-F-O-R-D period. Fred Sanford: Now she's got TB. Lamont Sanford: What? Fred Sanford: Terrific Body. Melvin: Did you listen to your father? Fred Sanford: Every time he raised that strap, he had my complete attention. Fred Sanford: Tell him in Puerto Rican - "Goat-o, get out of el house-o." Lamont Sanford: When a person has three heart attacks, he's dead. You had fifteen. Aunt Esther: Who you calling ugly, sucker? Fred Sanford: I'm calling you ugly, I could push your face in some dough and make gorilla cookies. Fred Sanford: On behalf of Elizabeth, would you care for something to eat? Aunt Esther: Oh I wouldn't mind a little snack. Fred Sanford: Son, go in the kitchen and fix your Aunt Esther a fish-head sandwich! Sanford: Listen, Esther. In the first place, you can't enter that contest because your not eligible. See one of the things you have to be is a part of a certain race. Woody Anderson: What race? Fred Sanford: Human! Fred Sanford: Goodbye, dear Aunt Esther: Oh, you called me dear. Fred Sanford: Why shouldn't I call you DEER? You look like Bambi's father! Fred Sanford: All you got to do is enlist Esther in the Navy. And that way, you can have her face buried at sea! Fred Sanford: For $500 dollars, I can turn Yewell Gibbons into a meatloaf freak! Sanford: She's gonna be competing with her own peers. Fred Sanford: Her Peers? Lamont Sanford: Yes. Fred Sanford: You mean Godzilla is in the contest? Aunt Esther: What's wrong with my posture? Fred Sanford: It's full of prune pits! Fred Sanford: Polly-Esther - that's you. Half woman, half parrot! Fred Sanford: Who is it? Aunt Esther: It's Esther! Fred Sanford: Esther who? Aunt Esther: You know Esther who! Open this door fool! Fred Sanford: I can't open the door! Aunt Esther: Why not? Fred Sanford: You too ugly! Fred Sanford: [Officer Hopkins helps Grady inside] What's the matter, Grady? Officer 'Hoppy' Hopkins: It's really nothing much to be concerned about, Mr. Sanford. He's merely experiencing a mild gastrointestinal imbalance precipitated by acute anti-gravitational pull in the lower abdominal cavity. Grady Wilson: I gotta throw up! Lamont Sanford: These two Russian seismologists said they've discovered a new fault. Fred Sanford: Well what was wrong with the old one? Sanford: They're predicting a massive earthquake on November 6. Fred Sanford: November 6? That's only five days away! Lamont Sanford: Don't worry about a thing, Pop, it's not possible. Grady Wilson: Oh I beg to differ with you, Lamont. Today is November 1, and it's extremely possible that November 6 is only five days away. Fred Sanford: Looky here. This is the bedroom. [Slams door] Fred Sanford: Second bedroom. [Slams door] Fred Sanford: Sun room. [Slams door] Fred Sanford: Bathroom. Lamont Sanford: HEY! Fred Sanford: Excuse me. [Slams door] Aunt Esther: I cant believe it, you with a mop in your hand? Its about time you faced up to this mess. Fred Sanford: Speaking of facing up to this mess, who messed up this face. Esther: Fred Sanford, the wrath of God will strike you down. Fred Sanford: And this Louisville slugger will knock you out. Aunt Esther: Woodrow and I are going to have a baby. Fred Sanford: Well somebody better call the zoo. Fred Sanford: Ain't you got some work to do, Oleo? Julio: The name is Julio, Mr. Stanford. Fred Sanford: It's "Sanford", Julio. Julio: Okay, then. Fred Sanford: Why don't you clean your yard up? Go take a bath. Go milk your goat. Julio: I did all that this morning, man. Fred Sanford: Well, why don't you go back to Puerto Rico? Julio: Mr. Sanford, I told you. I come from New York City. And I can live in any 50 states that I want. Fred Sanford: Well, how about Alaska? That's a state. Lamont Sanford: You know what they say, the truth will set you free. Fred Sanford: Your uncle Edgar told the truth, and the judge gave him six months. Fred Sanford: For a dummy, you make a lot of sense. Grady Wilson: She can't stay here, because there isn't any room. Aunt Esther: That's what they told the baby Jesus but they found him a place. Grady Wilson: Okay, I'll build you a little manger out in the back yard and get you some sheep to sleep with. Grady Wilson: Don't you go in my room by mistake, cause if I pull back them covers and see you I might have a stroke and die. Grady Wilson: Fred told me to keep you out of this garden. Aunt Esther: Oh he did huh? Grady Wilson: Yea, Fred said just because he planted a garden of Eden, there was no reason to let the serpent in. Aunt Esther: The next time you see that creep Woodrow, you tell him his behind is grass... and I am the lawnmower. Aunt Esther: Fred Sanford why is it every time I come over to your house you call me ugly? Fred Sanford: Because I'm not the type to lie. [Referring to Donna and Esther, respectively] Fred Sanford: Here are my two most favorite characters from a fairy tale: Beauty and the Beast. [Fred comes home drunk] Aunt Esther: Fred Sanford, you just a messy fool. Fred Sanford: And you just a sessy pool. Aunt Esther: Fred Sanford, you have been sinning and transgressing all your life. If the Lord wanted to strike you down, he'll find ya. Even if you were going to Las Vegas. Aunt Esther: Today is my lucky day. Fred Sanford: Why? Did you look at yourself in the mirror and it didn't break? Julio: Buenos Dias, Mr. Sanford. Fred Sanford: And beans and disease to you, too. Desk Lady: Oh, you two live together? Fred Sanford, Lamont Sanford: If you want to call it that. [repeated line] Fred Sanford: How would you like one across yo lip? Desk Lady: Address? Fred Sanford: 9114 South Central. Desk Lady: Oh, that's in Watts? Fred Sanford: It sure ain't Beverly Hills. Fred Sanford: You big dummy.
House Stacy Warner: I need to talk to you. Dr. Gregory House: From the doorway? Stacy Warner: It's confidential. Dr. Gregory House: Cool. I love gossip. Dr. Gregory House: Chicks dig this [waves cane] Dr. Gregory House: It's better than a puppy! Dr. Gregory House: I'm extremely disappointed. I send you out for exciting, new designer drugs, you come back with tomato sauce. Dr. Gregory House: Everybody lies. Dr. Wilson: I love my wife. Dr. Gregory House: You loved all your wives. Friends Phoebe: Chandler still thinks I'm pregnant and he hasn't asked me how I'm feeling or offered to carry my bags. I feel bad for the woman who ends up with him. Monica: Thanksgiving tomorrow four o'clock. [to Rachel] Monica: Guess who I invited? Do you remember that guy Will Cobert from high school? He was in Ross' class marching band. He was kinda overweight... really overweight... I was his thin friend. Rachel: Wow. I don't remember him. Honey, are you sure you're not talking about your imaginary boyfriend? Monica: No that was Jared. Wow. I haven't though about him in a long time. Ross: Oh. *Oh*. Thank God, most women don't even feel them. Rachel: Okay, no uterus, no opinion. Monica: Can you help me fold these napkins? Phoebe: Sure. Monica: I'm gonna go across the hall and check on the yams. [Notices the way Pheobe is folding the napkins] Monica: No... no honey... Not like that, we're not a barn dance. You wanna fold them like swans like I showed you at Christmas, remember? Phoebe: Yeah. It all came screaming back to me. Ross: What are you doing? Chandler: Making chocolate milk. You want some? Ross: No thanks, I'm 29. [Monica knocks] Chandler: You can't come in. Monica: Why not? Chandler: Because, uh, Ross is naked. Ross: What? Chandler: Well, I couldn't tell her *I* was naked. She's allowed to see me naked. Ross: Why does *anyone* have to be naked?
Three's Company quote's. I'm sure some of you remember Jack, Chrissy, Janet. Chrissy: Eat your salad before it gets cold. Chrissy: This breakfast is good enough to eat. Chrissy: You know, if women ran the world there'd be none of these stupid wars! Stanley Roper: Yeah, all the countries would nag each other to death! Stanley Roper: I came up to shampoo your rug. Chrissy: Why? Does it have dandruff? Stanley Roper: Not in my building! Jack Tripper: I swear, it will be completely platonic. Stanley Roper: What's that mean? Helen Roper: Like you and me, Stanley. Jack Tripper: Why did she call me a rat? Janet Wood Dawson: Because you're a pig! Stanley Roper: What's the cake for? Helen Roper: We're celebrating. Stanley Roper: Celebrating what? Helen Roper: The tenth anniversary of my spring outfit. Cindy Snow: If my man was cheating on me I'd break every bone in his body! Jack Tripper: You'll do that on your wedding night. Chrissy: Jack, I have a two-part question... Why? Jack Tripper: How is that a two-part question? Chrissy: [turning to Janet] We both want to know! -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Jack Tripper: Is something burning? Janet Wood Dawson: Oh NO! I left my underwear in the oven. Chrissy: Too bad hot pants are not in style. Stanley Roper: I bet this cot told some great stories. Mrs. Roper: I wish ours could. Mrs. Roper: Well, better get rid of the old set anyway. Stanley Roper: Set what set? Mrs. Roper: An old stove, and old husband, and they both take too long to heat up. Jack Tripper: I have two surprises for you two girls. Chrissy: Oh, I love surprises. It's funny that you never suspect them! Janet Wood Dawson: Chrissy, your dad is a minister, what does he usually say to couples in trouble? Chrissy: He tells them to keep the baby. Jack Tripper: I'm hoping to open up a little restaurant for people who can really appreciate high prices.