(Nick and Det. Vega come back into the Krusty Krab with the nets and the Krabby Patties™. Nobody is visible with the power off, but they turn on their flashlights and begin calling around) Det. Vega: Mr. Krabs! Spongebob! Anybody!!! Mr. Krabs (off Camera) We're stuck in the heads! ARRRGGHH!!! (Nick and Det. Vega race into the men's room and find Mr. Krabs stuffed into one of the toilets with just his head sticking out.) Nick: Let's get you outta here! (Det. Vega and Nick begin pulling on Mr. Krabs caripace) Det. Vega: Heave!!! Nick: Ho!!! Det. Vega: Heave!!! Nick: Ho!!! Det. Vega: Heave!!! Nick: Ho!!! (After the third pull, Mr. Krabs comes flying out, knocking Det. Vega and Nick onto their backs on the floor. Spongebob pops out of the toilet after him, full of water, which he then discharges back into the toilet, right on top of Squidwards head as it emerges from the toilet.) Squidward: YUCK! Why did I have to suffer the indignity of being stuck underneath you and Spongbob, Mr. Krabs?!?!? Mr. Krabs: Never mind that Squidward! Did the two of ye get those thievin' Plankton? Det. Vega: Not yet, but we did recover your stolen Krabby Patties™. (Nick holds them up) Nick: We're going to have to take them back to the crime lab for testing, but we can either dispose of them or return them to you after we're done. Mr. Krabs: Do with 'em what you want, so long as you nail Sheldon J. Plankton to the wall. (Det. Vega looks at Nick) Nick: Well, that may not be easy as he wasn't found in that pod of plankton that ran off with your Krabby Patties™. And since we recovered the stolen merchandise, he might be able to get off with a fine or just a few days in jail, and that's only if we can prove he solicited his family into doing this. Mr. Krabs: Arrggghh! That's the problem with having such an easily defeated arch rival...
(We see Nick bag up the Krabby patties to be taken back for evidence. The Camera closes in on one of the patties and we see... Sheldon J. Plankton on top of one of them, grinning evilly) Plankton: I'll just right this evidence back to the crime lab and let those CSIs analyze these patties, indvertantly revealing the secret formula to me! Oh sweet domination!!! (Cut scenes kick in and take us to the MermaidRose Place Apartments. We see Lena Flounder with a suitcase in her hand hurriedly leaving her apartment. As she fiddles with her keys, trying to open her boatmobile, we see a pink fin tap her on the shoulder.) Lena Flounder: Aaaah! Excuse me, you scared me. I'm in a hurry. Catfish Willows: Yes, I bet you are. Lena: Who are you? Cat: Catfish Willows, Bikini Bottom Crime lab. My friend here is Detective Jim Bass of the Bikini Bottom PD. (Camera shows bass stepping into the frame.) Bass: You left an interesting deposit of DNA in the front seat of a car owned by a Mr. Patchy McWhale. Lena: So? Patchy's my boyfriend! Cat: That same car has critical evidence linking it to the murder of your ex-boyfriend, Phillip Dirt. Lena: So what? Phil kept on calling me up, begging me to take him back. Patchy had a talk with him, but that doesn't mean he killed him. Cat: We're not talking about Patchy, Ms. Flounder. Lena: What do you mean? Cat: On the night of Phil's murder, Patchy was shooting pool at the Salty Spittoon. He'd loaned out his boatmobile to you because you were supposed to be having a Girl's night out. Lena: Yeah, so? Bass: The only female scales found in Patchy's car were yours, Ms. Flounder. If you'd been driving for the Girl's night out, there'd be other female DNA besides yours. Lena: (Hastily) Well, I just met the girls where we were going to eat. Cat: I've already spoken with Mrs. Puff, Mama Krabs and your other friends. They already indicated you didn't show up for the outing that night. Lena: Well, I had a flat tire, so I dropped by the Boating School and replaced it with one of the spares we have in the motor pool. Bass: Nice try, but again, not quite right. (CSI reconstruction video kicks in as Bass narrates) You were on your way to the girl's night out, got stopped at the light over by the Krusty Krab and your ex-boyfriend Phil shows up, once again begging you to take him back. You got fed up with him, cranked up the engine and began chasing him down the street, back into the parking lot and ran him down. After that you tossed him into the dumpster and tossed the tire that ran him over. Lena: No, I didn't. Cat: Yes, you did. We found your scales on the tire and on Phil's shirt. You also figured that Patchy would get blamed for it given his previous rap sheet and the confrontation between him and Phil a few weeks ago. (Bass pulls out his handcuffs, begins cuffing Lena Flounder) Bass: You're under arrest, Lena Flounder, for the murder of Phillip Dirt. You have the right to remain silent... (As Bass continues to read off her rights the camera zooms in on her, showing her looking angry, like someone discovered, not like someone surprised or guilty.)
HAHAHAHA....plankton- by the way im loving these names.((Listed in the first couple replys))They are so clever. They just crack me up!!!When ever Im sitting in the middle of boaring algerbra I think of this....It makes my day...or 43 minutes of class!!!!!!!!
(Several cut scenes take us back to the Crime Lab. Nick Sturgeon and Haddock Brown have laid out all the purloined Krabby Patties on the table, have tagged them and are contemplating what to do next.) Nick: Thanks for the hand on this, bro! Haddock: No problem. Haven't we enjoyed many a Krabby Patty after work on more than one occasion? Nick: No joke, Haddock. However, these aren't for eating--we need to check for trace on the buns and see if there's any other evidence we can find that can tie these stolen patties back to Sheldon J. Plankton. Haddock: Well, let's get started. (Hidden from view, Plankton makes a quick run from the Patty he's hiding in to a safer place to observe things.) Plankton: Just a little more time and the secret of the Krabby Patty formula will be MINE!!!! (A montage kicks in showing Nick and Haddock scraping slime off of some of the buns, centrifuging, separating, testing, titrating and all the usual methods of analysis used for trace. At one point, they cut a section out of a Krabby Patty, grind it down and start an analysis of the contents. Occasionally, we see Plankton pacing from his hiding place, behind a computer monitor, rubbing his flagella together as he anticipates getting the Formula. The process continues.)
(Greg Sandshark enters the lab and sees Haddock and Nick embroiled in their analyses of the purloined Krabby Patties) Greg: Hey guys! Whoa! Is that lunch? Gimme a patty! Haddock: (Whacks Greg's outstretched fin) Hands off! This is evidence from a crime scene, not lunch! Greg: Awww... So what're you two waiting on then? Nick: We ran a complete trace analysis of some various materials we found on some of the buns, as well as on a section of a whole Krabby Patty! Greg: Oooooh! Does that mean we'll find out the secret Formula for a Krabby Patty? Haddock: Not necessarily. We'll get the chemical breakdown on the materials inside the patty, but it won't give us a recipie or anything. Greg: Ahhh... like how most people don't know the chemical formula for Aspirin is salicylic acid! Nick: Exactly! Plus, since a Krabby Patty is made up of all kinds of complex organic chemicals, just like any meat or tissue, it would take a real genius to recognize the ingredients from a set of chemical formulas! (Plankton grins as the camera zooms in on him from his hiding place) Plankton: And lucky for me... (Shouting, forgetting he is hiding) I AM A GENIUS!!!! NOW I'LL HAVE THAT FORMULA AND ALL WILL BOW DOWN BEFORE THE AWESOME MIGHT OF SHELDON J PLANKTON, WHO STOLE THE KRABBY PATTY SECRET FORMULA FROM RIGHT UNDER THE NOSE OF BIKINI BOTTOM'S FINEST!!! HAA HAA HAA HAA!!! (Suddenly, a fin wraps around Plankton's body) Nick: (Off-camera) Gotcha!!! Plankton: Uh-oh. Something tells me I just made a mistake. Haddock: We figured you were probably hiding in one of the patties, and we knew you couldn't resist the chance to steal the secret formula. Greg: Wow! He basically confessed to orchestrating the whole crime. Nick: Yep, and now, you're going to Jail for your crime, Plankton! Plankton: OH NO!!! (Two BBPD Uniformed officers come into the lab, lock Plankton's whole body into one cuff of a set of handcuffs and start to haul him out of the lab) Plankton: You may have got me now, CSI-boys! But I'll get out! And when I do, you'll live to regret this! I WILL GET THE KRABBY PATTY SECRET FORMULA! I WILL!!! (Nick, Haddock and Greg chuckle and shake their heads. Gills Grunion comes on in after witnessing Plankton being hauled off.) Grunion: Good work you two! Greg: What about me? Grunion: Sorry, pats on the back go to those who do the work, not just hang around and kiss ass. You want that kind of a reward, you can work for Ecklie. Greg: Ah. Point taken. Haddock: I don't know about you guys, but I'm hungry. Nick: Me too. Grunion: Well, let's go to the Krusty Krab and give Mr. Krabs the good news. Maybe he'll even give us a discount on restroom tokens... Nick: That old cheapskate? Yeah right! (Suddenly, the scene cuts over Squidrad Ecklie's office, as he goes in with Dave Codges fawning behind him as he reads a report.) Dave Codges: I must say, Mr. Ecklie, that you resolved that case most effectively. Squidrad Ecklie: All in a day's work, Codges. (Ecklie sits down and suddenly a LOUD FARTING sound erupts.) Codges: Maybe a little less bean sprouts in the diet might help you, boss. Ecklie: (reaches under his cushion and pulls out a deflated whoopie cushion) GRUUUNNNIIIIIOOOOONNNNNNN!!!!! (scene cuts back to Grunion and the guys, who hear Squidrad Ecklie screaming all the way down the hall) Haddock: Let's not invite the day shift! Grunion: I'm with you on that! (At this the four of them laugh and the screen freezes. "Who are you?" by the Who starts playing and the closing credits roll. Final credit screen states "Produced by Jerry Bruckheimer and Steven Hillenberg.)
Thanks! I'm glad that this fanfiction has tickled everyone's funnybones. I'll be taking a break for a week--I have an Actuarial Exam on Tuesday, November the 8th. Season 1, Episode Three of CSI: Bikini Bottom, will feature the oft-requested Sara Sailfish working the A case with our intrepid lead CSI, Gills Grunion. Stay Tuned!!!